Dealing with negativity

[Guest k8bug79]

Hi all. We have been talking about moving abroad since August and we have met mixed views from our families. Which I guess is to be expected but one party in particular seems to be very negative about it all and its starting to get to me. My Dad lives about a 4 hour drive away from me and we see him regularly but not necessarily frequently. Its about once every month or two at best and that is really only becasue he has been coming down here for other family commitments now they are nearing an end I wouldn't be surprised if this became less frequent. So its not as though he is around the corner and in the kids life all the time. I know that his comments probably stem from being removed even further from his grandchildrens life. But he has travelled a lot and we never really saw my grandparents when we were little because he moved us where we had to be for his work so I can't see why he can't give us the same freedom.

I saw him at New Year and they asked 101 questions which I don't mind but it did feel like an interrogation. Now me and my husband have done a lot of research, I will admit that we are probably slightly blinkered and naiive as to what it all involves, but equally we are not silly and we feel we have grasped a good idea of how life would work for us out there. We have no misconception of Utopia just another country to live in and it will still have the same ups and downs as the UK, but hopefully with a better lifestyle.

Todays offerings were telling me he had been in contact with some friends down under and that they were surprised I had chosen Adelaide as it was so close to the desert and the summers got very hot (yes we know that) and that the cost of living whilst low (um actually I thought the general consensus was that it was more expensive) the wages were also low and the taxes high (My husband is a chef and the average wage out there is twice what he earns over here and we have worked out the tax and child benefits we oculd recieve and it appears very favourable, if we are right) but then he mentioned that Chefs jobs aren't often permanant out there (yes but there are plenty of caasual cheffing jobs and hubby is happy to flit til a permanant job comes up) grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr he then topped it off with not trying o be negative?????? Then there was a text last week saying hope you are not watching "deadly down under" guessing it was about beasties etc.

My husband is starting to get really narked and I can see him saying something soon. So for the sake of family harmony how do you deal with someone who does not necessarily think you are doing the right thing ??????

[minty]

Its hard to hear but if you and your family are all ready and set to go then dont listen to the comments. We had this from my wifes parents and they said they would never visit. In the end we just said look you have your life and we have ours, we are doing this as we feel its right and there is nothing you can say to stop us and if you do not want to visit then thats your choice and it will be your loss. Now they know they cannot pressure us into changing there minds they just dont bring it up any more. You have to just accept that you hae made the decision and dont listen to comments or negativity.

 

Good luck.

[Guest thekings]

Unfortunately you'll have to get used to it, we have called these little episodes "jealous envy" and even get it at work. The genuine people are pleased for you and back you all the way, the others just want to see your dream go up in flames because they never had the balls to get off their arses and do something with their sad miserable lives .......and breathe

 

We have even fallen out with some people over it unfortunately, but hey its their loss not ours.

 

Go for it, you may only get this one shot, all the best for your future

[Guest Guest75]

That's a tough one

 

The "Offerings" made me chuckle as they all have a grain of truth in them but are distorted to say the least.

Tell him that Tyke who has lived here 10 years says so!

 

I reckon this will get worse as the time for your move gets closer.

 

You are going to have to be tough and ever consider having a a proper "chat" with him about it.

Starting with " I know you are against this move but................"

Get it over with and be able to go forward knowing you have explained your valid reasons.

He'll come around.

[Guest thekings]

Double post :embarrassed:

[Guest Guest75]

Double post :embarrassed:

 

Not on my end......guessing you are referring to Moi?

 

Seemed to be a hiccup in posting .Impatient as I am I hit send again,had the old "Double post " error message but not showing here.

[Guest thekings]

It was me double posting sorry I got impatient too and sent the whole thing twice, didn't want to be accused dare I say it of being a "post w****" I edited it so no one saw it

[Guest k8bug79]

Thanks guys. we have talked about emmigrating for ages and only when we realised we have to do this for our family unit and for us as a couple did we get the balls to go ahead and do it. Ideally we don't want to leave our family behind but I don't think that deep down they would want us to hold ourselves back for them. My Mum is withdrawm about the subject and she says that she is sad but she knows why we want to do it and thinks it will be good for us to do it. I guess tho its nothing new to me that my Dad is outspoken about it he is about everything else. Whats funny is he is the one likely to get on the plane and visit.

[Guest the terry's]

'What are you trying to find, Utopia?' That's exactly what my Dad said to me and my hubby when we told both my parents of our intentions. However, upon returning from our reccie and bringing home half a ton of books, he could see one of our points of view about aussie homes (we even pointed out that some builders build two homes on one piece of land, one for the family one for the grandparents, so when he saw this he thought 'we could sell up and move to oz and have a sort of granny annex'. Amazing what a few pics of houses can do, and since then they've been fine, but I'm not saying they won't be devastated when we do move but will have a more understanding point of view. You only have one life and a short one at that so go for it, it'll be your father's loss if he can't see your side as well, he doesn't have to like it just understand it. I wish you luck.

 

Helenx

[Guest Guest5035]

So for the sake of family harmony how do you deal with someone who does not necessarily think you are doing the right thing ??????

 

Book your tickets and prove them wrong.

 

Stevo

[Guest familygood]

Just to add our experience. My father in law has been so against it he wouldnt even speak about it until recently (we fly in 10 days!!!) My Mum although supportive cannnot help but get constant digs in about how we are leaving with her grandchildren, how noone else would want to do what we are doing etc etc etc.. you get used to it and learn to grow a thicker skin.

 

I think Grandparents need to realise that your immediate family is your family unit and they are extended family especially as you say you are not in daily contact - which we are not either. Do what's best for YOUR family as they did when they were young. I know how hard it is and we haven't had it anywhere near as bad as some but it does hurt and I know the next 10 days is going to be some of the hardest I have ever had.. but hopefully it will be worth it for MY family.

[Guest Andrew Family]

I really do sympathise as it must be tough, but as many before have said: it is your life, your future and you have to decide how to live it. Our problem is the opposite, my close family have a brother-in-law in oz and they are often making negative comments about things that he writes to them (jealous comment) so I can only imagine what they are saying when I am not around, infact it makes me reluctant to keep in contact although it will be hard as it is my brother (who I love to bits). Unfortunately some people chose to live only in the UK and not to experience other parts of the globe but that is not what we want. I am sick of working opposite hours to my husband to make ends meet and not to have any quality family time for us and the kids to share. The will be adults before we know and we would have missed out on so much. So you are right it may not be Utopia but some quality to life is work traveling across the globe for in my view. Life is for the living....................

 

Dawn

[ladycasper]

Even though it is family and they are supposed to love you they are often jealous you had the balls to do it and/or of the lifestyle. Yes it can be hard but for most it is worth it and those that wont speak to you are that nasty kind of possesive jealous love as if you love someone you should be able to set them free if thats their desire !

My husbands mother in her 70's and alone travevelled to Oz to various cities to see 3 of her children. She has since passed away..my parents just under 70 do not have the forsight to juts book a flight and just get here, they prefer to sit in their perfect little home snow bound !

They rarley call me I call them and initiate the skype chats because they say "you are busier than us"

well F...K em thats what I say I am happier than I have been for 20 years ! been her nearly 2 and I love it !

Good Luck and dont let them bother you. Do they realise they probably will make you even more determind ! its YOUR life

Cheers

[Guest Andrew Family]

I will be in the same boat, so to speak, as my mum and dad won't come out but this is mainly due to health reasons. That doesn't mean that I am going to change my plans and won't becoming but I know it will make it harder. But my life say is 'nothing ventured, nothing gained' and it has worked for me so far.

[Guest angiestaff]

my mother-in-law was adament that she would not fly out 2 see us when we left (she was very supportive and no way negative, i think it was just fear maybe?), but now we've been gone over 9 mths she is veering 2wards the ..'when i fly' not 'if i fly'

 

as people have said on previous posts, you have to do this journey 4 u and UR family, not ur parents, siblings etc.., my family consists of me, hubby and 2 staffies (ronnie n reggie) and WE decided that adelaide was best for US....if it doesn't work out we try somewhere else and only when we been to places we want to try then we MAY return to the uk.

 

we always said that we'd hate to be too old and not be able to have the choice to travel....better to try than not try and have regrets

 

good luck with ur choices, ange xxx

[redwing]

Hi all. We have been talking about moving abroad since August and we have met mixed views from our families. Which I guess is to be expected but one party in particular seems to be very negative about it all and its starting to get to me. My Dad lives about a 4 hour drive away from me and we see him regularly but not necessarily frequently. Its about once every month or two at best and that is really only becasue he has been coming down here for other family commitments now they are nearing an end I wouldn't be surprised if this became less frequent. So its not as though he is around the corner and in the kids life all the time. I know that his comments probably stem from being removed even further from his grandchildrens life. But he has travelled a lot and we never really saw my grandparents when we were little because he moved us where we had to be for his work so I can't see why he can't give us the same freedom.

I saw him at New Year and they asked 101 questions which I don't mind but it did feel like an interrogation. Now me and my husband have done a lot of research, I will admit that we are probably slightly blinkered and naiive as to what it all involves, but equally we are not silly and we feel we have grasped a good idea of how life would work for us out there. We have no misconception of Utopia just another country to live in and it will still have the same ups and downs as the UK, but hopefully with a better lifestyle.

Todays offerings were telling me he had been in contact with some friends down under and that they were surprised I had chosen Adelaide as it was so close to the desert and the summers got very hot (yes we know that) and that the cost of living whilst low (um actually I thought the general consensus was that it was more expensive) the wages were also low and the taxes high (My husband is a chef and the average wage out there is twice what he earns over here and we have worked out the tax and child benefits we oculd recieve and it appears very favourable, if we are right) but then he mentioned that Chefs jobs aren't often permanant out there (yes but there are plenty of caasual cheffing jobs and hubby is happy to flit til a permanant job comes up) grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr he then topped it off with not trying o be negative?????? Then there was a text last week saying hope you are not watching "deadly down under" guessing it was about beasties etc.

My husband is starting to get really narked and I can see him saying something soon. So for the sake of family harmony how do you deal with someone who does not necessarily think you are doing the right thing ??????

 

Hi I'm the opposite to your situation, I'm in my mid fifties, arrived here New Years eve leaving behind two children albeit 30 & 32 and three grand kids the youngest only six weeks old and believe you me it hurts when I think about not playing with them.

I to lived about five hours drive away from them, me in East Anglia they in the North West and only saw them may be two or three times a year. When I told them well over twelve months ago that we were moving to Adelaide it was shock and disbelief but they realised they had to accept it and in the end understood our reasons for emigrating. As others have said you have to lead your own life and do what is best for you, hubby and your children. I'm sure your dad will come to accept it wish you all the luck in the world.

Good luck with your venture I sincerely hope it all works well for you.

Steve

[Guest k8bug79]

Just to add our experience. My father in law has been so against it he wouldnt even speak about it until recently (we fly in 10 days!!!) My Mum although supportive cannnot help but get constant digs in about how we are leaving with her grandchildren, how noone else would want to do what we are doing etc etc etc.. you get used to it and learn to grow a thicker skin.

 

I think Grandparents need to realise that your immediate family is your family unit and they are extended family especially as you say you are not in daily contact - which we are not either. Do what's best for YOUR family as they did when they were young. I know how hard it is and we haven't had it anywhere near as bad as some but it does hurt and I know the next 10 days is going to be some of the hardest I have ever had.. but hopefully it will be worth it for MY family.

 

Thanks and good luck with your move I wish we were that close!!!

[Guest Carolandcraig]

I thought i would have a problems with the inlaws. They live about 300 miles from us a the moment and only saw the 4 time in 10 years, but they have been quite the opposite, very supportive and have already put the money away to visit us in september (shocked!).

We have always said from the moment we talked about emmigrating that we would live our lives for us and not for anyone else and no matter what our families say we would push ahead anyway as we want our children to have a better outdoor life. Im thankful our families on both sides are supportive as its a stressful enough time as it is without worring what other people think.

[Guest kangomik]

They love you, they love so much that it hurts, they love their grand children, they love everything that you have. They are so, so proud of what you have and what you have done. They just love you all so much they do not want you to go, go so , so far away.

 

Yet in their mind they know its right, they know they will visit, but they just want to make sure you thought it through.

 

Thats enough of the soppiness!!!!!

 

Guys you have to be kind of selfish, you have to think of you and yours. If your dad had of moved you across england or europe in your early teens, what voice would you have had?

 

Personally your very lucky that your rents, your olds or what ever you want to call em, entertain the idea that you are going, and that they ask questions.

 

We had one set in denial, and one set so adamant that we where going that they would not talk about it at all......... untill 2 weeks before we left.

 

The plus side, they have been out and to be honest love it. They see what we have, and they see what the kids have, they wish they had done it earlier. Suddenly the stories come out then.

 

 

Any way, it's only natural for your parents to be concerned, just like you look after your little ones.

[Guest k8bug79]

They love you, they love so much that it hurts, they love their grand children, they love everything that you have. They are so, so proud of what you have and what you have done. They just love you all so much they do not want you to go, go so , so far away.

 

Yet in their mind they know its right, they know they will visit, but they just want to make sure you thought it through.

 

Thats enough of the soppiness!!!!!

 

Guys you have to be kind of selfish, you have to think of you and yours. If your dad had of moved you across england or europe in your early teens, what voice would you have had?

 

Personally your very lucky that your rents, your olds or what ever you want to call em, entertain the idea that you are going, and that they ask questions.

 

We had one set in denial, and one set so adamant that we where going that they would not talk about it at all......... untill 2 weeks before we left.

 

The plus side, they have been out and to be honest love it. They see what we have, and they see what the kids have, they wish they had done it earlier. Suddenly the stories come out then.

 

 

Any way, it's only natural for your parents to be concerned, just like you look after your little ones.

 

 

Lol he did, we were a Navy family and we moved all around and over to Germany and we had no say.

 

Thanks very much I know I just need to grow a pair and get on with it lol:jiggy:

[Guest cosmonik]

Hi all. We have been talking about moving abroad since August and we have met mixed views from our families. Which I guess is to be expected but one party in particular seems to be very negative about it all and its starting to get to me. My Dad lives about a 4 hour drive away from me and we see him regularly but not necessarily frequently. Its about once every month or two at best and that is really only becasue he has been coming down here for other family commitments now they are nearing an end I wouldn't be surprised if this became less frequent. So its not as though he is around the corner and in the kids life all the time. I know that his comments probably stem from being removed even further from his grandchildrens life. But he has travelled a lot and we never really saw my grandparents when we were little because he moved us where we had to be for his work so I can't see why he can't give us the same freedom.

I saw him at New Year and they asked 101 questions which I don't mind but it did feel like an interrogation. Now me and my husband have done a lot of research, I will admit that we are probably slightly blinkered and naiive as to what it all involves, but equally we are not silly and we feel we have grasped a good idea of how life would work for us out there. We have no misconception of Utopia just another country to live in and it will still have the same ups and downs as the UK, but hopefully with a better lifestyle.

Todays offerings were telling me he had been in contact with some friends down under and that they were surprised I had chosen Adelaide as it was so close to the desert and the summers got very hot (yes we know that) and that the cost of living whilst low (um actually I thought the general consensus was that it was more expensive) the wages were also low and the taxes high (My husband is a chef and the average wage out there is twice what he earns over here and we have worked out the tax and child benefits we oculd recieve and it appears very favourable, if we are right) but then he mentioned that Chefs jobs aren't often permanant out there (yes but there are plenty of caasual cheffing jobs and hubby is happy to flit til a permanant job comes up) grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr he then topped it off with not trying o be negative?????? Then there was a text last week saying hope you are not watching "deadly down under" guessing it was about beasties etc.

My husband is starting to get really narked and I can see him saying something soon. So for the sake of family harmony how do you deal with someone who does not necessarily think you are doing the right thing ??????

 

Hi guys,

i just read your post and really feel for you. I want to say that although i am not in the same position as you having a partner and children making the move, i am doing it alone and leaving all my family back in the UK.

I'm lucky in the fact that my lot are really supportive and my parents even more so as they really wished they did it themselves 20 years ago when they had their opportunity so wholehearteldy back me the whole way. That said i have come across negativity from people at work who i really thought were my friends, i realised pretty quickly that it was jealousy and have since started distancing myself from those people and sticking with the ones who are supportive.

Don't listen to the negativity, youknow why you are making the move and i gusee it's to give youselves and your children a much better life, and no doubt your kids will really thank you for it.

Have a good serious talk with your dad and tell him how much he is upsettimg you and let him know he will be welcome to visit you and i bet you anything he'll be making the trip over as regulary as he can as soon as he can!

 

Best of luck....your doing the right thing:notworthy:

Nicki

[Guest Guest75]

Hi I'm the opposite to your situation, I'm in my mid fifties, arrived here New Years eve leaving behind two children albeit 30 & 32 and three grand kids the youngest only six weeks old and believe you me it hurts when I think about not playing with them.

I to lived about five hours drive away from them, me in East Anglia they in the North West and only saw them may be two or three times a year. When I told them well over twelve months ago that we were moving to Adelaide it was shock and disbelief but they realised they had to accept it and in the end understood our reasons for emigrating. As others have said you have to lead your own life and do what is best for you, hubby and your children. I'm sure your dad will come to accept it wish you all the luck in the world.

Good luck with your venture I sincerely hope it all works well for you.

Steve

 

Similar to your situation, Mrs Tyke left kids and now grandkids.

They were not too bad about it but it get's to Mrs Tyke every time she returns to see them,I think a few things are said.

Mrs Tyke then returns back here /feels guilty