Telling parents we are emigrating

[Zeebeth]

I could use some help/advice on how best to re-inform the inlaws that we are moving to Adelaide in 10 and a half weeks.

 

That sounds really bad - so let me explain a bit more.

 

Hubby and I started the visa process in November 2013 but decided to keep everything quiet until the visa was granted as we knew it would upset his parents. They aren't the most adventurous people (his dad's family all lived in the same street for gernations and generations!) and don't like change, there was huge drama when hubby's older sister moved to a town 20 miles from where the parents live (to be fair though she does have a little son); however there wasn't too much upset when hubby and I moved 80 miles from Exeter to Bristol.

 

The visa was granted to us in early December and we weren't going to see his family until Christmas so we decided to tell them on boxing day that we were planning on moving to Oz this September. We also said that our honeymoon in March was also going to be used to decide the city we wanted to live in - at that stage we thought we'd end up in Melbourne as there are a lot more jobs. Hubby's parents were really upset, lots of tears, shouting and of course the "I'm not happy with you". We were fully expecting that.

 

So we went on honeymoon/recci in March had a great time, didn't like Melbourne as a city to live in, and instead settled on beautiful Adelaide. When we got back from the honeymoon we told the in-laws all about it and were totally honest saying we didn't like Melbourne but found Adelaide beautiful and imagine it would be a great city to live in.

 

Nothing more is said about the move for a few months. We then booked our flights in mid-May, meaning we knew for definate when we are moving (2nd of Sep). The in-laws were going on a cruise for 2 weeks at the end of May and hubby was unsure if it would be better to tell them before or after the holiday, so he spoke to his siblings and they all agreed that it would be best to tell them when they got back, which is what we are planning on doing this weekend. However, hubby's sister has said that the parents have told themselves we aren't going ahead with the move as we didn't like Melbourne! We did think things had been a bit too calm, but just presumed they were getting to grips with it, not going into denilal!!

 

Hubby and I are absolutley dreading this weekend now, it is going to be hideous. We expect shouting, crying and almost full temper tantrums! I imagine they will say "but you said you aren't going" and "why are you only telling us 10 weeks before you go" "we'll never see you again!"(we are going back in Oct 2016 for brother-in-laws wedding and have deicded to come back for Christmas 2017) etc etc etc.

 

Does any one have any ideas on how we can break the news gently to them? Anythnig that may soften the blow? We have already bought father-in-law a place on a fear of flying course (he has never been on a plane and thinks it is an unnatural way to travel). I know there is never going to be an easy way to break the news but any help would be appreciated.

 

Sorry for the essay

 

Thanks

 

zee

[victoriasquare]

Well zee I don't think there's going to be an easy way, but since you've already visited Australia, perhaps you could discuss your trip with them, and say that you liked Adelaide, and are strongly considering moving there. This will form a bridge to when you feel you can tell them you are emigrating.

 

In March I found out that my brother who will be 85 this year, still bears a grudge that our parents emigrated to Adelaide in 1964, saying they didn't consult him about it. Apparently they simply told him that they were joining the rest of us who were already there. He would not have joined us, he had become extremely pompous, so joining colonials in Australia would have been unthinkable and intolerable for him.

 

Like your father-in-law he also believes that planes are an unnatural way to travel, and although he flies a lot, would not consider stepping inside an A380 because "it is too big to take off!!"

 

The best of luck whatever you do.

[NicF]

I don't think there is a gentle way of breaking the news to be honest. It would probably have been easier if you had told them right from the start you were thinking of going and made clear when you got back from your visit that you were going to be moving to Adelaide but hindsight is a wonderful thing. I think you just have to come straight out with it and tell them you are going and expect the upset. Yes it will be hard but it sounds like you know what you are going to be in for so you will be prepared. It won't be easy but it has to be done. Good luck.

[snifter]

Echoing the above really. No easy way.

 

I think the best thing is to prepare for the worst reactions, that you'll get tears, upset, anger, accusations, perhaps even the threat of them not having anything to do with you and the like and then if it goes better than that its a bonus. It seems to be the parents are those denying to themselves its happening as siblings know.

 

I must admit, if they have been thinking all along you were not going because of how you worded your decision about Adelaide, then chances are they are just point blank refusing to accept you are migrating. And avoiding the reality of it for as long as possible. That often seems to happen, people cling onto how something was phrased and run with it.

 

I think you are going to need to toughen up on this and steel yourselves for the whole run up to migrating and the possible fall out. Migrating does require a fair chunk of selfishness and the realisation that others are not always going to look at your opportunity and decision in the same way you do. If you really want to migrate, you'll do so with or without their blessing. Of course its lovely to have it and them to understand and support you in your choice, but some loved ones can't or won't do that and sometimes this even leads people to changing their minds about moving (and perhaps regretting it later).

 

If it were me, I'd have a plan thought out. I'd perhaps not land it on them straight away nor just before you leave, but not too long before things wrap up. Wait till you can pick a moment and say you'd like to share your news about migrating. Make it clear you are telling them about migrating. Don't whatever you do just say you have some news else they'll be thinking baby on the way perhaps or something, make it clear you are letting them know about migration to Australia and then just say its all fallen in to place for you in recent months so you are planning on leaaving in X amount of weeks, at the start of September (don't give an exact date perhaps as this may seem too final). Make it clear you are really happy with your choice.

 

I'd then let them ask questions, have their time to ponder, react and whatever you do, if things are said by some in the heat of the moment, don't take it personally or to heart. And if it gets too much, change the subject, don't get drawn into an argument and leave it all for another time. I'd not get drawn into too much detail about trips back or promising to be in the UK for Christmas 2017 etc as honestly, once you are here, the reality of Christmas back in the UK 2 plus years down the road may not pan out or something may happen in the meantime, I'd just say you will plan the trip back for the wedding and leave it at that.

 

Sometimes its not as bad as you are expecting, sometimes it is, sometimes worse. I hope it goes ok for you both. As I said, thick skin, don't take it personally and plough on and don't waiver. If its what you want for you both, you'll be here in September regardless I am sure.

[guspjmh]

I'll never understand when parents are like this; isn't a parent meant to want their children to be happy and live the best lives they can? I understand it must be difficult, but I think it is putting their interests ahead of what's best for their son/daughter.

[samandcraig]

We are on this planet for a short amount of time, live your life the way you want to live it! Be honest, it's hard upsetting people we love, but it's even harder living with regret xx

[Diane]

I'll never understand when parents are like this; isn't a parent meant to want their children to be happy and live the best lives they can? I understand it must be difficult, but I think it is putting their interests ahead of what's best for their son/daughter.

 

Perhaps you'll understand more in about 20 years time when your children want to move to the other side of the world and take your grandchildren with them. Walk a mile and all that....

 

To the OP - are they computer literate? Do they have a laptop/computer/wifi? Good idea to help them set up stuff like Skype, and even FB for them/with them before you leave and practice beforehand so they can see how easy it will be to stay in touch with you. If they are keen on cruises, also talk about the possibility of them coming out to visit you and maybe combining the trip with a cruise to the Barrier Reef/New Zealand/Asia/Fiji.

Edited June 19, 2015 by Diane

[Tamara (Homes Down Under)]

Perhaps you'll understand more in about 20 years time when your children want to move to the other side of the world and take your grandchildren with them. Walk a mile and all that....

 

To the OP - are they computer literate? Do they have a laptop/computer/wifi? Good idea to help them set up stuff like Skype, and even FB for them/with them before you leave and practice beforehand so they can see how easy it will be to stay in touch with you. If they are keen on cruises, also talk about the possibility of them coming out to visit you and maybe combining the trip with a cruise to the Barrier Reef/New Zealand/Asia/Fiji.

 

I can see both sides of this.

My parents were very supportive of my move here. The children were older (teenagers!) so that made things easier. It's not always easy though. When my father moved from the UK to Africa his parents disowned him!

I have experienced both aspects. I have moved and left my parents behind but I have also have the traumatic experience of my daughter leaving Adelaide with the grandchildren and being without them for a year. Where she moved to did have a major influence in the whole process though and if she had been moving to somewhere safe like Adelaide I wouldn't have been so stressed.

I don't have any better advice to add to the above comments...sorry.

The world is a smaller place and hopefully with the expansion of communications the pain will be eased a little. I don't envy you your encounter!

[guspjmh]

Perhaps you'll understand more in about 20 years time when your children want to move to the other side of the world and take your grandchildren with them. Walk a mile and all that....

 

To the OP - are they computer literate? Do they have a laptop/computer/wifi? Good idea to help them set up stuff like Skype, and even FB for them/with them before you leave and practice beforehand so they can see how easy it will be to stay in touch with you. If they are keen on cruises, also talk about the possibility of them coming out to visit you and maybe combining the trip with a cruise to the Barrier Reef/New Zealand/Asia/Fiji.

 

Like I said, it is sad and must be hard, but many parents are able to put their own children's wellbeing ahead of their own. Mine were sad to see me go, but incredibly supportive and I guess I find it hard to see how being that way is anything but selfish (however devastating it may be).

[Misplaced]

I'm with Gus on this one! I do not understand how any parent thinks they have the right to make/influence/blackmail their child's life's decisions for them, once they have reached 18.

 

Maybe I was lucky in that my mum and dad were of the opinion your old enough to make the decisions in life now, if you want advice ask us and we will give it. It wasn't always what you wanted to hear but they were a good sounding board.

 

My advice would be tell them in a firm caring way. Take the shouting, screaming and crying and then politely say 'It's our life and we hope you can find it in your hearts to wish us well, eventually!'

 

Good luck.

[Diane]

Even if your parents take it really well, encourage you to make the move, and are totally supportive you will still feel like you have kicked them in the teeth by moving so far away. You just learn to live with it!

 

I think those of us that do emigrate need a certain amount of selfishness in our makeup. Some more than others.

Edited June 21, 2015 by Diane

[Lily Rainbow]

So have you told them?If so how did it go?If you haven't told them yet,and you're still expecting tantrums etc,you don't need to stay in that environment.Just say calmly you're not prepared to stay if they act/behave that way,and leave.

As for posters saying the parents should "let them leave and with full support etc"I would say the majority of parents with older kids (18+)would be upset to see their kids migrating 10,000 miles away.Its hardly a 2 hr trip to Spain is it?When my kids were young,I didn't even think about the possibility of them emigrating.Like most parents it was natural to assume they would be relatively close to me/us.I'm not saying its acceptable to rant and rave,no,just that you can't expect parents (the majority anyway)to be cheering and waving flags.