As each year passes I hate it more 😢

[star123]

Hello everyone

 

Been a long time since posted on here but I've always been lurking...reading and keeping up to date with everything... to cut a very long story short..

 

Arrived full of hopes and dreams in 2012 with 6 of our 7 children..2 returned home...2 have since come back...1 loves it...1 hanging on by a thread. ..I left my oldest daughter in the uk .. she had since got married and had 2 children... I have not settled here...my husband loves it...my life and my 5 younger children's lives have not changed from what they were like in the uk...in fact our lives are worse...we have no family here...I have zero friends (not thru lack of trying I must add) I'm so miserable it's crazy...as each day...month. .year passes I hate it here more...my husband has said catagorically he will never return to the uk.... so I am now living a life I cannot bear... stuck in this place that promised so much on the tin.... I want to go home...in heated rows my husband has said...Go...take the children. ..I'm never leaving.... not sure if he means it...would he really give up his wife and children?? If not...then I'm stuck here till I'm old...hating him for keeping me here...anyone been in this situation ??? It's just God Damm awful and I can't see a way out of this situation that I find myself in....stuck here so that someone else can live their dream...

[kelbert]

Oh no you poor thing. What an awful situation to be in. I don't really have any suggestions but I hope you find a solution. Good luck

[Blossom]

Ohhhh dear. That really sucks. I certainly don't love the place of hate the UK enough that I'd force my partner to live here if they didn't want to. There is certainly a type of isolation here, and that's with my partners family being here.

I have no solution for you I'm afraid. :-(

[Toni]

Hi Star123 - I don't come on to the Forum much any more but your post really hit a chord with me. From an outside person listening to what you are saying the main thing I pick up is that your husband and you have drifted apart. I understand both your points of views. He has a right to his, as do you. While you are a couple you are also individuals and I think that the two of you have to work this out somehow. Have you thought of some sort of couple counselling? It forces you to listen to each other without interruption and I don't know about you but when I am in a heated situation, I can't really listen to the other point of view even if it makes sense.

[Lazy Cow]

Star123, I have no words of wisdom lol, although I think Toni's suggestion was great. Perhaps someone totally neutral to the situation, whether a counsellor or mediator, will help - if only so you each feel the other has actually listened to you.

 

I love my family, but I can't imagine not being connected to the outside world. I would imagine feeling of isolated at home, as the only person that wants to return to the UK, and without having external contacts to share a laugh / problem / walk with, would be horrible. I feel for you.

 

I'm sure after being here four years you'll have tried most things, like volunteering? You really can get to meet some great people, and even if you don't become BFFs, you share a sense of purpose and set of beliefs (for that charity). Having five kids possibly takes up all your time, but if you have any time to yourself where you don't simply want to collapse, volunteering can be great fun. If your kids are still littlies, maybe volunteer at the school / footy / wherever their interests lie, then you may get to meet people in the same stage of life - with kids - as you.

 

Have you figured out why your husband loves it here so much? Couldn't he share some of that contentment by sharing whatever's going right for him, rather than just telling you he'd put Australia before his family? Got to say that sounds harsh. If he truly means that, then perhaps there's more going on than you realise. Could be fear of going back, feeling that he fits here, having a bit of a tantie, IDK, but it doesn't sound very partner-y.

 

I think I've brought it back to go see a counsellor!

 

https://anglicaresa.com.au/children-families/relationships-2/family-relationship-support/

 

I'm not sure whether they're good, but I've heard good things and at least it's a place to start. I'm sure they could advise you, even if only where to try next.

 

Good luck, Star123.

 

LC

[Sallyh]

Oh I'm so sorry. I also agree that counselling is a great idea. Lutheran community care also have a good counselling service and with staged fees so that you only pay what you can afford.

 

You sound like you need some tlc. (((((((((Hugs))))))))))

 

I've got only 6 children (I love saying it like that!!!) but it's hard work even though it's a joy. And self care is so important. For me, friends are a big part of self care. I can see how you are torn because your family is all over the world. can you go on holiday? Take a break?

 

What does self care look like for you?

I think a first step could be to get yourself some talking time with someone who is paid to listen. I am certain you could get a mental health plan at the dr and get a good referral to a psychologist. Sort out how you are feeling and try to get a plan together for talking to them / someone else with your husband. He may not mean what he is saying, but even if he doesn't, it's really significant that he has said it and very hurtful. No judgement here ... I can see how much pressure you are all under. You need friends to gather round you and support you for a bit.

 

Where do you live? How has trying to make friends looked for you?

 

 

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[Sallyh]

Also: are you tied to that location? Can you think about moving nearer to Adelaide or trying somewhere else? Compromise with that?

 

 

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[snifter]

Very sorry to hear this.

 

I echo the others, to perhaps consider and seek some counselling to help you both try to work through things. You sound like you need some support and if you are not finding it from the person you'd expect it most from, your husband, then it can really hurt. If your hubby is truly happy living here (your dislike aside) and can't see why he should uproot the family to move back, you need to both understand where the other is coming from but not in the heat of the moment. And to perhaps read up on situational depression, a very real thing and something I've read some migrants suffer from after a move overseas and them not liking it for whatever reason or missing loved ones in their home country. Of course, its a bit more complex than that but thats the gist for you. If you feel trapped here because of your husband, again, far from a good thing but you can't just go on as you are as you are only becoming more and more unhappy for various reasons.

 

Is it only you that is struggling and really unhappy here or are some of the kids really unhappy also? I ask as it can be that if others are happy then it can lead to more resentment/upset/anger/sadness from the person struggling. Also feelings can rub off on to others or they pick up on the unhappiness and themselves start to struggle or shut down. Or just bury their head in the sand and hope it will go away.

 

You say its worse because of not having family here and you don't have friends. Again, is that you or some of the kids also? I would suggest similar to what LC has said about volunteering and stuff if you've not tried that already for yourself. It may be you've exhausted it all or perhaps are so jaded with things that you perhaps are not wanting to give it another go. Often if struggling location wise it can be a tough to keep putting yourself out there. Sometimes taking a break from it and then trying again can get a result. Also it can be tough as a parent if we see our kids unhappy and its often that can make us unhappy also in ways we were not expecting. Also we can get so bogged down in whatever it is that is the catalyst for our upset/sadness it can start to build and become a much bigger thing and we perhaps are not able to put the brakes on it as we might usually.

 

Are some of your kids still school aged? If so, can you get involved in some school or sports club stuff and get to know some people that way? I met a few people this way in the early days after we arrived and still do via kids sports clubs like footy or Little Athletics this past summer. That thing of your social life revolving around the kids often holds true wherever you are. And unless you have stayed put and have the same longstanding friends you've known for years, friendship building can be hard going, more so if you migrate. I noticed quite a few people made friends with other Brits and then some of them have either moved interstate, back to the UK or elsewhere and they have a big hole in their life as they lost that friend that they had some common ground (coming from the UK) with. And its hard for them to then start over and build up new friendships.

[star123]

Thank you for all your replies...it's so appreciated...so thank you... xx

 

 

Have had further discussions with husband and no he didn't mean it...he gets sad...frustrated..and struggles to understand my feelings..it's not his child or grandchildren in the uk... (2nd marriage) so he doesn't have the same bind with them as I do...I had a large loving family in the uk...he doesn't..hence why he doesn't miss them!! I work in the mental health / disability sector part time but it's an isolated setting... so unable to make friends via that route...I however love my job and it keeps me relatively sane...my children ages range from 6 to 24.... I have picked up some literature today re counselling for myself as I have very very dark days where I can't seem the point in any of it anymore...the constant battle of trying to be happy...the pressure of Hey I emigrated and I love it kind of face we have to put on..

 

My husband loves it here...he has a great job...great pay .we're 2 minutes from the beach...Bought our own home in a beautiful suburb ..his also in the CFS and doing so well. ..something he always wanted to do back in the uk so now his doing that here his soooo happy....his got everything his always wanted...that's why he'd never go back....

 

I work. ..raise children and supermarket shop...that's it... I'm trying to get out there and I have hosted coffee mornings...but nothing... I ask people..hey pop over when your free for coffee and chat...nope...before I got a job I spent every day alone..not speaking or sering anyone it was and still is soul destroying.. I'm trying really hard to lift the gloom but it seems sometimes to want to swallow me up.... I want this to work here I really do otherwise I know I'll loose everything and everyone..

 

Thank you again to those that replied I can't tell you what that meant to me xx

[Sallyh]

Hugs again. You have shared really personal and difficult stuff. Thinking of you and wanted to come back and see if you had posted again . If you're desperate enough (?!) try church. It's a ready made family always happy to welcome new people. The belief can come later but you could meet people and be loved. can make suggestions on locations if you like. But in any event, really hoping you can make some progress.

 

You don't have to be smiley and real all the time. I think that's the emperors new clothes and actually being real is one way to make better connections with people. Xxx

 

 

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[KennyKen]

Maybe it's because your living in South Australia. Met so many people who have left the state and have never looked back.

[Sallyh]

I love south Australia. And my Queensland friends who moved from s a to Victoria hated Victoria and missed adelaide. They've moved around a lot and have to make new links each time. It's been harder in their home state of Queensland since moving back to where their friends and family are from, than it was in Adelaide. You can't generalise by state.

 

 

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[Lazy Cow]

I have picked up some literature today re counselling for myself as I have very very dark days where I can't seem the point in any of it anymore..

 

.the constant battle of trying to be happy...the pressure of Hey I emigrated and I love it kind of face we have to put on..

 

 

That sounds like a very good move. Counselling sounds like a gift you owe yourself.

 

I'm a great fan of seeking outside help, whether professional counselling of some kind or even, as a starting point, on a forum. IMO, strangers are quite definitely outside the situation and because they don't have any loyalties, they will offer impartial advice. Whether it's right or not, only you can tell!

 

I think there are a good few people who put on a 'brave face', but personally, I reckon it's better to be honest. I think people can recognise when something's not ringing true about a person, but won't necessarily guess what it is. It can send a mixed message. Much easier to be friends with someone who can use your shoulder for a few minutes, then relax and be their happier selves.

 

As I was replying, I remembered a thread from ischa. S/he mentioned an expat support group which might be a way of meeting other people brave enough to discuss how they're feeling. This is the link:

 

http://www.pomsinadelaide.com/forum/aussie-chat/46691-expat-support-group.html

 

It was nice to hear back from you, and it's wonderful to think that the forum might be able to help.

 

LC

[Sallyh]

How are you doing Star123?

 

 

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[KathCats]

Hi Star 123, I can empathise with you in so many ways and understand what you are going through.

Be reassured that there are more people who feel the same and it's not just you who is suffering.

Not everyone settles in Australia but the ones who go back tend to do it quietly, so we don't hear about their stories so much.

When are you free? We could meet for a chat a coffee and a good old moan during school hours I am free Tuesday and Wednesday.

[victoriasquare]

Hi Star 123, I can empathise with you in so many ways and understand what you are going through.

Be reassured that there are more people who feel the same and it's not just you who is suffering.

Not everyone settles in Australia but the ones who go back tend to do it quietly, so we don't hear about their stories so much.

When are you free? We could meet for a chat a coffee and a good old moan during school hours I am free Tuesday and Wednesday.

 

There must be a lot of reasons why some can settle and others not, and I wonder if childhood memories play a part. I returned to England after 2 years in Adelaide, but within a year I was back. It was a marvellous feeling to feel the warm air, experience the wide roads again, the big skies, and soft sandy beaches, Adelaide was a world away from the tightness of England.

 

We do hear of many people who return to the UK from various parts of the world, some believe they are returning to paradise and delight in saying how happy they are, but we hear little from those who are not happy returning to the UK. I think they are afraid of being criticised or being labelled failures. I'm not afraid to admit that leaving Adelaide was a big mistake, at least for me, and although hot summer weather was difficult, I had a lifetime of amazing experiences.

[star123]

Hi all....just a quick update...things seem better...have spoken openly to o/h and his fully supportive and understands why I'm homesick...also spoken to counselor who is advising me that I haven't "let go" and in order to settle etc I need to... I know I won't be returning to the uk to live so I've been given the tools to help me move on here and settle better...it's baby steps but I do feel more positive...onwards and upwards ..no one ever said it'd be easy so I'm up for the challenge... oh and although this may seem weird...I planted fruit trees in my garden....and this has helped me in a weird bizarre way ! !

[Sallyh]

Well done looking after yourself, and putting down roots, literally. as well as acknowledging you haven't let go, also be kind to yourself. You need support from those around you, it's not just a case of pull your socks up. I hope it wasn't a pull your socks up talk xxxxx

 

 

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[snifter]

Good to hear your update

 

I think you could well have moved anywhere in the world and quite possibly experienced the same sort of loss and struggling to settle. What your counsellor has said about letting go does make sense to me. I know when I moved overseas in my 20's I settled well but met over time a number of people who really didn't move over with both feet and had left their toes dipped back over in the UK so to speak. Whereas I had totally made the move, physically, mentally, emotionally and didn't look back at all.

 

I do think being able to focus on the here and now, things around you, rather than what you left behind is a crucial step to starting to allow yourself to settle and find your groove. I like that you planted fruit trees For me, the picture was completed for us not when we bought a house (although it was close) but when 6 months later got a dog from a local rescue to join our family. It really somehow cemented this is home for us all and he's the happiest little dog who we adore.

 

Anyways, hope you are able to continue with positive steps.

Edited June 20, 2016 by snifter
edited

[victoriasquare]

Hi all....just a quick update...things seem better...have spoken openly to o/h and his fully supportive and understands why I'm homesick...also spoken to counselor who is advising me that I haven't "let go" and in order to settle etc I need to... I know I won't be returning to the uk to live so I've been given the tools to help me move on here and settle better...it's baby steps but I do feel more positive...onwards and upwards ..no one ever said it'd be easy so I'm up for the challenge... oh and although this may seem weird...I planted fruit trees in my garden....and this has helped me in a weird bizarre way ! !

 

Lovely to plant fruit trees star123, it is what my mum and dad did when they emigrated to Adelaide in 1964. They also bought two dogs to compensate for the ones they left with a friend in England, it all helped to give them roots so far away from home. Interestingly they never had any desire to live back in England, my mum visited family members in the UK two or three times after my dad died, but she always wanted to return to the warmth of Adelaide. I still have two sisters and their families living in South Australia, one went in December 1958 and the other in 1964, but unlike me who has flitted to and fro many times, they have never wanted to visit England. They were brought up in Torquay, but I think have forgotten the beauty of Devon. I think they would be shocked how narrow the roads are, Adelaide's feeling of space is amazing.

[kadina]

Private messaged you Star 123

[kelbert]

Love the idea of planting fruit trees. We have been here approaching 2 years and although we haven't looked back I have to admit winter here is tough. The weather isn't great and people socialise less and that makes it difficult when you are missing family and friends. The better weather will be here soon and that makes all the difference. Glad to hear you are feeling more positive.

[Glencoe]

I have been reading this thread and my heart goes out to you. It did cross my mind that perhaps some people already settled here wouldn't mind meeting up for a coffee and a chat - and I see someone has offered up this.

 

oh and although this may seem weird...I planted fruit trees in my garden....and this has helped me in a weird bizarre way ! !

 

I loved reading this sentence. You have now 'planted roots' in more than one way.

 

I wish you all the very best for bigger brighter days. Don't stop thinking about tomorrow..the days will come!