Stand still, wimp – only failures run off to be expats

[suzer]

Shame on Jeremy Clarkson:

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/columnists/jeremy_clarkson/article5992555.ece

 

"God tells us that there are 10 rules in life: Sir Thomas Beecham, the conductor, maintained that there was only one – try everything except incest and folk dancing. Most people, however, reckon there are two. Never meet your heroes. And never turn your hobby into a job.

 

There is, however, a third rule. It’s a big one. It’s bigger than the one that says you should never meet Chuck Yeager, the US test pilot who became a hero for breaking the sound barrier, because he’ll turn out to be deeply unpleasant. It’s bigger than the one about not coveting your neighbour’s wife. It’s even bigger than not doing morris dancing.

 

It is known simply as Rule Three and what it says is this: do not, under any circumstances, become an expat.

 

You may be thinking of moving to South Africa because some communists have smashed the windows in your agreeable home. You may imagine that you should go to New Zealand because the police have found a builder with a broken bottom in your swimming pool. Or you may consider moving to a cave on the North West Frontier because you have knocked over some skyscrapers.

 

But don’t give in. It is always better to stay where you are and face the music. Even if the music in question is the tinkling of your broken sitting room window or the screams of other prisoners in the showers or the gristly, gooey sound of your fingernails coming out.

 

The fact of the matter is this: every single person who ever moves to another country – with the exception of America where you go to grow – is a failure. Seriously, no one has ever woken up and said: “I am completely happy. I have a lovely family, many friends, a great job and plenty of savings. So I shall move to Australia.”

 

It’s always the other way around. “My wife has left me. My children don’t want to know. The divorce cost a bundle and I don’t have any mates. So I shall move to Oz.” That’s why they call us whingeing poms. Because the poms they get do nothing else.

 

Of course, I have been to a great many palm-fronted island paradises and I’ve thought, as I’ve watched the sunlight dancing in my rum punch, how lovely it would be to live in a place where you just wear shorts and read books.

 

But I know two things. First, home is not where you live; it’s where your friends are. And second, within a week, I’d be a raging alcoholic. I’d start by trying not to drink before 12. But then it’d be 10 and before I knew it I’d be pouring gin on my cornflakes and my nose would be enormous and covered in what look like barnacles.

 

Then the drink-addled bitterness would set in. I’d realise that my existence was shallow and pointless and that every girl I ever met would either be made from leather or interested only in men who had 65ft cruisers in the harbour. Not noses that looked like the bottom of a battleship.

 

To keep myself sane, I’d have to keep reminding myself, by reminding absolutely everyone within earshot, constantly, that I couldn’t possibly live in Britain because it’s full of bloody foreigners who hadn’t bothered to learn English. Then I’d summon Manuel and, in English, order another pint of gin.

 

I was in Majorca last weekend, which is jammed full of British expats all of whom would begin their explanation of how they got there with the same thing: “Well, after I sold the cab . . .”

 

There they were, in their chips and footie bars with their desperate eyes and their booze-ruined noses, regaling everyone with their stuck-record views on life back in Blighty.

 

“Don’t know how you can live in Britain. Bloody weather. Bloody Muslims. Bloody Brown,” and then, after a wistful pause, “. . . you don’t have a copy of today’s Telegraph do you?”

 

I’ve always felt desperately sorry for expats and now, of course, life wherever they may be is even worse than ever because, all of a sudden, their hacienda is worth less than the plot of land they built it on 10 years ago, and they can’t let the holiday flat they bought to supplement their pension. Which is now worthless as well.

 

It’s proof really that there is no God. Because no one who’s supposed to be a force for good would keep on hitting people like that. “I’m going to make you so miserable, lonely and friendless that you break Rule Three. And then I’m going to take away your home, and your income until you are a homeless drunk in a land where you can’t speak the language and you’re vomiting gin into the gutter through your barnacle-encrusted nose at three in the morning.” You’d have to be a complete bastard to inflict that much pain on someone.

 

Sadly, I fear that in the coming months, as deflation takes hold, a great many people will begin to wonder if life wouldn’t be happier on the sunny side.

 

I urge you all to think carefully. Even if they’ve taken your land and your homes, they cannot take your friends. Or your family. And no matter how infrequently your children drop by now, you can trust me on this: if you live abroad, you’ll probably never see them again. Ever.

 

You will sit there in a bar, in your stupid Hawaiian shirt, pretending the waiter is a friend, reading the barcode on a two-year-old copy of The Week, trying desperately to convince yourself that you are happy. But you won’t be, because abroad is where you go on holiday. Britain is home.

 

And you know what? Yes it’s cold. Yes it’s run by idiots. And yes, I wasn’t bothered about Jade Goody either. But at least we don’t throw our donkeys off tower blocks and we don’t cook our food in the garden. And because it’s always 57 degrees and drizzling, we are less inclined to sit outside all day getting sloshed."

[Guest Carl Hallam]

Take it they would'ent have you ?

 

(slightly shorter post)

[ozzieclare2be]

i think its a well known fact Jeremy (im so far up my own rearend i brush my teeth from the inside) clarkson is a t****r.

[lorluc]

Have to say i always have time to listen to Jeremy Clarkson.....might not always agree with what he says...but I take my hat off to him...not afraid to say what he thinks........

 

Certainly would never take any offence to what he has to say......just laugh....

 

Trouble is alot of the time, what he says makes sense.....and some dont like the truth

 

Dont let them shut you up Jeremy...keep them coming.....

[Guest kangomik]

a very very clever man, with great vision

[Guest Lisajonesey]

Blimey..

I quite like good old Jezza Clarkson... but I completely agree with Clare.. Well said!

 

I think it takes a person, a sight braver than your usual "sniffling pom" to make the move. I know where I'd rather be!!

[stomky]

Jeremy, Ahhh, don't mind 1 episode of Top Gear but everytime i leave the room......Husband puts on the repeat, please tell me it isn't on over there, may cancell emigration plans!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[ozzieclare2be]

Jeremy, Ahhh, don't mind 1 episode of Top Gear but everytime i leave the room......Husband puts on the repeat, please tell me it isn't on over there, may cancell emigration plans!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

yep its on here too. I dont mind top gear, and i actually think hes quite good at top gear, but i seriously wouldnt listen to the ramblings of him on other subjects.

[Guest Rob and Clare]

I quite like what Jezza says, look it may not be 100% true and it's written in a very loutish way, lots of people have lots of reasons for migrating that you can't sum up in a paragraph. I think Jezza is proud to be British, i think he still wants Britain to be the best country in the world and doesn't want anyone to leave, but successive governments and politicians have ripped the heart out of the UK. The UK is becoming just a place on the map for people to live, not the bastion of heritage and civilisation that it once was.

[cormcvcr]

Each to their own, I suppose people who can afford to go great holidays a few times a year would defend the place they call home, but for us other mere mortals making the move to somewhere we could only dream about going on holiday, let alone living..... then an expat I will be!

 

Whinging Pom? the only thing I moan about is they have made drive thru's for everything else, why not your shopping, that way I can hand over my list and eat my drive thru food and drink my drive thru apperatif and all would be bliss! L.O.L.

[Rachiegarlo]

Apart from that it is a very British Tradition to send forth its citizens to conquer the world and without them there would be no Polo, no potatoes, no tomatoes, Indian curries, etc etc...... In fact most of those smaller private boarding schools were there to role out the next generation of educated youths who could be sent out to run the Empire in Africa, India and South America and every place in between. The girls of course were shipped out in boat loads to marry them.

[suzer]

Perhaps I'm not understanding the English humour in what old Jeremy is saying, and taking it all too seriously;) But yet, he does come from a position of having loads of money and perhaps not thinking of the common man and his needs.

[suzer]

The UK is becoming just a place on the map for people to live, not the bastion of heritage and civilisation that it once was.

 

Ok, so you know me, so I think I can say this...you think? When I think of England in days of old, I don't really think of it being a bastion of heritage and civilisation, but an imperialist power. Well, I should say it differently perhaps...it's still massively full of culture in a way that where I come from can't compare, so I don't see it all going downhill, as I think you're suggesting.

[Guest the4hopes]

Have to admit he does say some funny things sometimes, but thank goodness he's staying in the UK!

[julie-ruth]

Well love him hate him I think a lot of it is to get a reaction, look at it from his point of view the more he say's or write's controversial things people buy it and the more he gets payed.

 

Julie

[Guest Libby1971]

I think Jeremy Clarkson is a very clever man who either says what everyone else is thinking, or is so outrageous that you say things you normally wouldn't.

 

He lived about 30 mins down the road from me in the UK, in an area I would not describe as particularly well off (Hayshake, do you agree with the description?) although due to his salary, he may have bought the mother of all houses.

 

I have bought one or two of his books and they have had me laughing my head off, especially when he comments on English attitudes towards other people, esp German.

[ShaunWilson]

All said and done, i know where i'd rather be!! As for friendless, no kids and divorced, guess that rules out all the families who moved over. And we have plenty of friends here, with a great diversity that we would never have had the oppotunity to meet had we stayed in Aberdoom, sorry Aberdeen.

[julie-ruth]

Hi Suzer I'd forgotten I had watched this a couple of days ago and laughed if you find him annoying then watch this and see how many friends he has.....

 

 

Julie

[Anne B]

Jeremy Clarkson has made a career out of being controversial and outrageous so don't expect anything else. Sometimes he is a bit off the mark, sometimes spot on, depending on your own viewpoint.

 

I think in the main he was commenting on all the people who have gone to live in Spain. For many of them the dream has ended in a nightmare, the Pound has lost a lot of value against the Euro so their pensions are worth a lot less. Many can't afford to live out there any more and want to come back, but the Spanish housing market has collapsed massively and their homes are hardly worth anything (if they could sell them). Also in France the government has changed the rules so ex-pat Brits no longer get free healthcare, so they now all want to come back to Britain because of the NHS. OK so it's not nice to take the mickey out of people when they are down, but I suppose he is saying it is ironic that they now want to come back to the country they hated so much before.

 

Maybe the grass isn't always greener.

[suzer]

Hi Suzer I'd forgotten I had watched this a couple of days ago and laughed if you find him annoying then watch this and see how many friends he has.....

 

 

Julie

 

good fun thanks;)

[Guest graandjac]

a very very clever man, with great vision

 

The man should run the world

[Guest sarahsmartiepants]

The man should run the world

Yeah he is wasted talking about fast cars all the time!

[Guest Patricia P]

I've never been happier than when I arrived in Adelaide last September! My hubby and I have to keep reminding ourselves that "We're in Australia!" at the top of our voices whilst we're driving around south Adelaide with either views of the sea in the distance or the Adelaide Hills on the blue horizon knowing that we might possibly sit out that evening under our pergola discussing the "stresses" of the day waiting for the barbie to warm up for our tea!

 

We absolutely ADORE it hear and don't miss a solitary THING!

 

Life is what YOU make it and if it doesn't suit you then you only have yourself to blame.