The Nightmare of having Friends Come to Stay!

[Guest Fancy a Beer]

Have a feeling of mixed emotions today!! We waved off our visitors from England yesterday at the airport, and I suppose we are today in a bit of turmoil, do we like visitors coming or not! To be honest our experience is fairly limited in that we have only had 3 sets of guests.

 

My mother arrived 18 months ago for a 5 week stay and returned home after 2 weeks, was horrendous at the time and needless to say we have not spoken since. The damage it did to my kids I will never ever forgive her for!

 

My OH cousin had a bit of a mid life crisis and did a round Aussie Trip for 3 months about 2 years ago and stayed with us and we all had a ball, it was brilliant and was awful saying bye bye.

 

Yesterday I waved off my best friend of 17 years and her two monsters aged 9 and 6.

 

I have to say it was realllly hard work our excitement levels were massive prior to their arrival as we had not had many visitors before hand and so had planned the whole trip for maximum enjoyment to all! I took 2 weeks off work to show them in and around Adelaide to sites we have been to many times before, usual haunts, The Gorge, The Rocking Horse, etc etc Glenleg, Victor Harbour, Hahndorf, etc etc etc

 

Prior to their arrival I basically ran around like a lunatic ensuring the house was 100% perfect, all maintenance up to speed, windows cleaned (god that was hard work) paid for the garden to be done, the car to be cleaned, the carpets to be done, bedrooms totally spotless, huge clearouts and Ebay here we come with so much to sell!! I also did ALL the food shopping when they arrived I made breakfast every morning, made tea/dinner every night, cleared it all away, still hoovered, cleaned and washed like it was going out of fashion, general kept the house tidy etc.

 

I delt with my mates kids being absolute total little w*****s, but did however enjoy the look of horror on my kids faces as they witnessed how their "mates" acted and behaved!! To go on we then suffered with 30 fags a day being smoked and blown into our including the kids faces as non smokers (yes reformed smokers we both are and I know that makes us the worse) but the smell made me wanna heeeeave, the fact that the over filled ashtray was never emptied by our guests but relied on us to do it also really did add salt to injury!

 

This is really just the tip of the iceberg will give you a little more for tasters so you do fully get the picture.......

 

1) Friends 9 year old daughter stole a nail varnish from Big W, then went on to blame my 9 year old for doing it, later admitted she had done it! (No appology received)

2) Had Babysitter for a whole day to entertain kids at home while we hit the Barossa for a tour came back to the babysitter in floods of tears as friends 9 year old daughter been a total bitch all day to everyone inc baby sitter

3) Both friends kids whinged, whined, moaned and groaned at every possible opportunity, at any time they didnt get their own way they increased the volume to ensure they got it!! My kids backed down to them sooooo many times just to keep the peace!!

4) Friends daughter same age as mine, did and said the most horrendous things to my daughter, who 90% of the time just took it bless her just so she kept the peace

5) I could go on and on and on

 

Needless to say the 17 year friendship I have had and enjoyed with my Best Friend was totally tested and I would not go anywhere near saying that I had enjoyed the last 2.5 weeks, it was no holiday, it was at times fun, but was mainly incredibly stressful, Ohh I left the money bit out, we paid for EVERYTHING, at no time was money offered for food, wine, diesel, take aways, the HUGE amount of stuff she continued to wash, etc etc etc. She did pay half of all meals we had when we were out and about and half of the entry fees etc, but that was it! Now we are not tight people but that was taking the piss in our eyes!!

 

So basically we all feel very mixed emotionally today, I feel very sad that the holiday I had planned was totally messed up by her kids, I feel very sad that the 17 year friendship I have enjoyed for so long will never be the same because of her daughter, and to top it all off we are totally bloody skint because I estimate these last 2 weeks have cost us a least a couple of grand!

 

I feel absolutely exhausted today, dont think I have ever felt so knackered, do we want more visitors ...................................................... NO THANKS!!!!!

 

Tell you two positive things that have come out of it though!! My kids promise to be angels from now on (yeah right!!) and made me realise just how very special my two best mates here in Oz really are!!

[Guest rockpool crab]

Hiya

 

Gosh what an honest post. You deserve a medal for enduring it so well. I guess it must be testing as most folk visit for a night, at most back, in UK but when they travel all this way they've got to stay for longer and it's not always easy. Sounds like the friends 9 year old was a total nightmare.

 

Guess all I can say is try to focus on the good times you did have and the bad memories will hopefully fade. It would certainly be a shame to let a 17 year old friendship sink because of it. I'm sure you and you're friend will get through it.

 

Chin up..they've gone now..lol...you can relax...forget cleaning for at least a week and give yourself a well earned break.

 

TTFN....Carol Ann

[Rachiegarlo]

Did you ever have mates come to stay for that long in the UK? Probably your rellies came for a weekend or a week. The problem here is 1) so far away and 2) cost to get here, so that when people come then they have to make it worth while. We had a young cousin of my hub's family come stay last year....for a year's working holiday..... six weeks later she went home. I said she could stay as long as she wanted for free just help out a bit etc. She didn't leave the house except a few times to go to Marion once and the city once or the chippy. Sat infront of heater all day .....in pjs..... and used up most of our internet allowance. She was in her mid 20s and most of my experience with backpackers is they just need a base and they get out there and do stuff, and people to do it with! Oh well, no more loopy relatives for us, close family only is our new rule.

[minkyme29]

Blimey, what a time you had! I can definitely tell you're relieved to see the back of your recent visitors! Justified if you ask me...

 

On Tuesday I said goodbye to my In-Laws after a seven week stay with us , yes under our roof and I am relieved to have my territory back at last. Having said that the house does seem awfully quiet. One noticeable benefit is the change in our two daughters behaviour, there's nothing like normal routine! They were right rogues whilst Granny and Grandad were here.

Like you, we had a very long exciting run up to the arrival of our guests...but once they arrived I found my emotions were all over the place, I'm simply not wired to cater for 2 extra elderly/retired people (1 of each) on top of my own clan. I couldn't stand being asked what I was planning to prepare for dinner at 9am each morning, I'm quite a spontaneous kinda cook and am not too obsessed with having to know such things so early on in the day.

 

On the flip side, we are very grateful that they made the trip as neither of them are in great health and it was a huge effort and expense on their part. My MIL paid for so many treats including a trip for us all to get away to KI where we had the best time all together as a family.

 

Ultimately my frustrations were nothing to do with them as such, simply me being me (an only child who likes her own space big time) wanting normality to reign over what was a very unique and special time. In the end I realized that I had to be the flexible one, step out of my comfort zone, just as they had to to make the trip, and enjoy their company as mush as possible. After all this was their trip of a lifetime and is something that they will not be repeating in the future.

[lorluc]

Bloody hell...looks like i have it good when we have people to stay!

 

So far Jon's mum, sister and nephew have been here twice...our nephew stayed with us for 6 months!

 

Always paid their way, helped out etc.....has been a pleasure to have them around!

 

The goodbyes at the airport have been crap though......

 

I suppose sometimes you can be the best of friends for years and years...but when you are actually living under the same roof...um..different story.

[wizzywozza]

Great ........................... I've got my in laws coming for two weeks in September and I haven't seen them for 32 years! My stress levels have just gone through the roof!

[Guest Fancy a Beer]

Blimey, what a time you had! I can definitely tell you're relieved to see the back of your recent visitors! Justified if you ask me...

 

On Tuesday I said goodbye to my In-Laws after a seven week stay with us , yes under our roof and I am relieved to have my territory back at last. Having said that the house does seem awfully quiet. One noticeable benefit is the change in our two daughters behaviour, there's nothing like normal routine! They were right rogues whilst Granny and Grandad were here.

Like you, we had a very long exciting run up to the arrival of our guests...but once they arrived I found my emotions were all over the place, I'm simply not wired to cater for 2 extra elderly/retired people (1 of each) on top of my own clan. I couldn't stand being asked what I was planning to prepare for dinner at 9am each morning, I'm quite a spontaneous kinda cook and am not too obsessed with having to know such things so early on in the day.

 

On the flip side, we are very grateful that they made the trip as neither of them are in great health and it was a huge effort and expense on their part. My MIL paid for so many treats including a trip for us all to get away to KI where we had the best time all together as a family.

 

Ultimately my frustrations were nothing to do with them as such, simply me being me (an only child who likes her own space big time) wanting normality to reign over what was a very unique and special time. In the end I realized that I had to be the flexible one, step out of my comfort zone, just as they had to to make the trip, and enjoy their company as mush as possible. After all this was their trip of a lifetime and is something that they will not be repeating in the future.

 

 

 

I am totally with everything you say, I to enjoy my own company and the last two weeks made me realise just how much!! Its hard work having people in your house for a long period no matter how laid back you are or they are, and we never had people staying for more than 2 nights in the UK so it is a whole different story!!

 

I guess you feel frustrated here as I was so excited about seeing my friend having not seen her for nearly 3 years and with all the best will in the world it didnt go to plan, but there you go, we have all changed since we last saw her and she and her kids had certainly changed to, we will remain friends I wont throw it all away, 17 years is a long time and we have both been through so much together! But think our friendship will change, cant imagine her coming here again I can just see my husbands face if I said she was coming to see us again, think it would probably end in divorce!! ha ha

 

Still like I said not that I toook it for granted BUT it has made me realise how great my mates are here always there to pick up the pieces as required, I guess they too are hopeing we dont get anymore visitors!!

 

Someone once said to me that their advice is to take a holiday to, as in go away for a week or two with your guests, as then you are all on holiday and therefore the pressure is off, I now think thats a brilliant idea, the amount we have spent could of done two weeks all expenses paid in Hamilton Island!!

[Guest Fancy a Beer]

Great ........................... I've got my in laws coming for two weeks in September and I haven't seen them for 32 years! My stress levels have just gone through the roof!

 

 

Mmmm take a very deeeeeep breath!! :biglaugh:

[Guest Django]

I think you tried to hard. Did you really have to be a tour guide? I would have a list of places of interest and directions to get there and say 'off you go, have a good day'. It's their holiday.

When we went to visit our friends in the USA they got on with their normal lives ie work, meeting friends, etc. We used their house as a base and did our own thing thing. Of course we went out as a group on the odd day but I wouldn't expect them to put their lives on hold to entertain us while we were there.

As for ashtrays. If they want a fag then they can go outside either out front or out back whatever is down wind. When they have finished they can extinguish it and dispose of it in the bin.

 

It your house and they have to follow your house rules. I reckon if the 'spoilt brat' stayed here for any period of time I think I may accidently catch them round the ear with my elbow when putting their meal on the table a la Basil Fawlty style. :biglaugh:

 

Pete

[Guest Guest75]

Ouch!!!!

 

I know exactly how you feel.

 

 

Tyke Towers has seemed like a holiday camp at times - then when we go see friends in the UK they are busy working and so on.

 

It can be an incredibly painful subject and does stress you out having a lot more people in your house 24/7.

 

Saying that we have had some great visitors with whom we have had some good times.

 

I think that the longer you live here, the more you move on and change.

These changes are only seen when when you have visitors.

 

We had a massive family visit here when my step son got married here.

Had em' married around the pool/had catering/band/paid for everything - did not hear a thank you!

[Dawn&Andy]

we have our first visitor here at the moment, my father in law, tooeasys dad:) hes been here 4 weeks and goes home a week saturday and have to say its been a pleasure having him here, kids have thoroughly enjoyed his stay, i was a bit nervous about him staying so long as id never had anything other than over nite visitors before, but have to say we have had no probs at all, hes been helpful round the house, washed up after meals, even cooked a few for us, offered to pay for things, cleaned up after himself, infact its been so lovely having him i keep threatening im sending hubby back to uk and keeping my daddy in law here lol

 

sorry you have had a bad experience, maybe cos its our first visitor since we got here its been different, ask me again once my parents have been:biglaugh:

[Guest LordLucan]

Hiya

 

Gosh what an honest post. You deserve a medal for enduring it so well. I guess it must be testing as most folk visit for a night, at most back, in UK but when they travel all this way they've got to stay for longer and it's not always easy. Sounds like the friends 9 year old was a total nightmare.

 

Guess all I can say is try to focus on the good times you did have and the bad memories will hopefully fade. It would certainly be a shame to let a 17 year old friendship sink because of it. I'm sure you and you're friend will get through it.

 

Chin up..they've gone now..lol...you can relax...forget cleaning for at least a week and give yourself a well earned break.

 

TTFN....Carol Ann

I disagree with you Carol Ann. No friend would ever be so selfish in so many ways. It beggars belief that anybody could go and live in someone else's house for weeks and not contribute towards the cost of being there, apart from all the other problems. Someone who takes someone else so much for granted is no friend, and good riddance I say!

[Guest rockpool crab]

I disagree with you Carol Ann. No friend would ever be so selfish in so many ways. It beggars belief that anybody could go and live in someone else's house for weeks and not contribute towards the cost of being there, apart from all the other problems. Someone who takes someone else so much for granted is no friend, and good riddance I say!

 

If the friendship is strong enough then I would suggest talking about it and airing your views. I know that's what I would have done. I wouldn't let a 17 year relationship go down the tubes because of politeness. I say tell her how you feel and see what happens if she doesn't realise she has been "selfish"..then yes...by all means..good riddance but I just wouldn't dismiss it as quickly as that.

 

Maybe I'm more tolerant and willing to work through things though..each to their own ..we're all different at the end of day and it would be strange world if we weren't.

 

I've had similar situations..a cousin who basically didn't do a hands turn..nor her kids..so what did I to..told her I was at work all day so would appreciate if she could at least make the dinner and then the days I was at home got all her kids doing stuff about the house. If they don't like it..tough..they don't come back..their loss.

 

But that said I still talk to my cousin she's planning on coming over..I didn't take the quick route and dump her, could easily have..but didn't

[Guest guest569]

Saying goodbye is always hard although maybe not in your case !!

So would you have them back again ????

[Guest caoimhe]

When we arrived here we stayed with my Aunt for 2 weeks, I made sure dinner was ready every night she got home from work and made sure the kids never left anything lying around and that the house was always cleaned. I had many arguements with her over paying our way...she didn't want anything as she remembers how hard it was for her when she arrived and wanted to help us out...we tried to show our appreciation by buying her a few small presents and stocking up the bar with some wine. I know its not the same as going on holiday but you can't live in someone's house and not help out financially or physically.

BTW my in-laws are planning on coming for 2 months at Christmas

[Guest GIPSY]

We have our leaving do next Saturday - after this post I have just edited our speech!!

[tina&steve]

Oh poor you xxx but i know how you feel our families came over a last month for our wedding and there was good and bad came out of it. My in-laws to be came and I was dreading it as I've never spent much time with them even tho I've known them for years. But they were fantastic helping out taking them selfs off when I was busy and entertained our son who cried for days when they left and we missed them too. My mother on the other hand was a right bitch and didn't speak to me for most of her stay not even our wedding day!!! So we were so glad when she cut her visit short but has told everyone we were horrible to her:err: we waited on her hand and foot and all she did was moan and was very rude about everything. when we droped her off at the airport our son said thank god she's gone so even he noticed. Which was sad as I didn't want him to pick up on her feelings. Family back home knows she can be moody and sulks so have taken no notice but its still not nice that you have gone out your way for them and thats how they repay you and that the only payment we got from her, only thing she paid for while she was here was the trip to the cinema didnt even get a wedding present.

 

I would have my in laws back but I do think you have to limit the time family stay as they can outstay their welcome. It has made us notice just how much we enjoy our own space;)

 

I really hope your next lot of visitors are a lot better xx

[Scousemouse]

Hmmmmn,,,

my Daddy goes home on monday, after 10 weeks here with us. I am gonna miss the old bugger, but reckon he'll be glad to get back to the 'pool; he misses the Marly, his mates and real beer! I am just sick about him leaving.

 

I dont have many mates in the (y)UK; just a few i stay in touch with...........................and i carefully selected them.

 

Look, none of us is perfect, 'cept me!, and i have little influence on my kids!!

 

Im sorry the kid spoiled the holiday, rotten luck; but at least your family want to come visit; mine and his cant be arsed.....................so stuff them. Count youself lucky yours wanna see you here! Wish it was a problem i had!

 

As for not chipping in for their keep, just damn rude; the moral her is to just say to visitors, cough up, or hit a hotel!

[Guest cazzie]

Fancy a Beer - I hope you are recovering! It makes you wonder if people have any self awareness sometimes. I think your friend must be depressed or have no self awareness at all. I'm afraid that I would definitely have to ask someone to smoke outside as smoking indoors is incredibly selfish when there are kids around. As for not emptying her ashtray ...!

I think it must be worthwhile talking over the rules when arranging a visit - especially regarding smoking, housework and paying your way. Mind you, I guess most people would be willing to share it all anyway.

As for the long term friendship, people can be very fickle. My long standing friendship with a pal came to an end when she refused to come to our wedding. We had a very small family wedding, with a couple of friends and the reception in my daughter's back garden, which isn't big at all. She refused to come because she couldn't bring a guest (she had no partner)! She knew all of my family so would hardly be on her own.

Two years later, I have just had an email from her wanting to renew the friendship, but I don't know if I can be bothered now. Ah well....

Anyway, your post has been a cautionary tale and a great read. Good luck and keep us posted as to what happens next. Cheers.

[Scousemouse]

Enuf with the smoking comments..........................fascists.

 

 

We are addicts; not stupid

[Guest caoimhe]

I'm afraid that I would definitely have to ask someone to smoke outside as smoking indoors is incredibly selfish when there are kids around. As for not emptying her ashtray ...!

.

 

My O/H and I are both smokers and I would have no qualms at all about asking or telling someone to smoke outside (done it with my F-I-L back home) thats the "rules" of our house. We don't smoke in the house so I sure as hell aren't going to let someone else

[Guest Snape Family]

What an awful time you have had, it does appear your friend has been very insensitive to you and your family's needs.

However, I wonder if your friend enjoyed it, or has she had problems (such as with the daughter) that you have not been aware of, so she has basically abdicated responsiblity whilst on holiday to 'get away from it'. Is she on her own bringing up the kids and therefore having discipline problems?

Is she seeing you have the 'prefect life' with 'perfect husband and kids' and therefore feels she is owed some 'me time'. None of these are excuses but might explain some of her behaviour, or has she always been self-centred and selfish, sometimes it takes living with someone for a period of time to see the real person.

 

We visited in Feb/Mar 08 and stayed with my OH sister & family, before arriving we made sure we booked the first weekend away to KI so they would have the first weekend after we arrived alone (break them in gently I say!). We were also lucky in that their eldest daughter had moved out to her own place around the corner so we slept there at night whilst our 2 boys stayed with Auntie and Uncle who they behaved for and respected.

Whilst no rules were laid down we had arranged a hire car so we were independant of them, we bought half the beer (naturally), bought large volumes of meat for the barbeque, did bits of cleaning (though I felt this was a bit tricky as didn't want to imply they were dirty, as they certainly weren't) we paid for some meals out, though they insisted on splitting the bill. I am sure we didn't pay half for all food we ate or water/electricity used but we offered to. They often refused money for things saying it cost enough for us to get out there, so what we did was treat the children, the older one who had moved into her first home (which we were staying in) didn't have much in the way of furnishing so we gave her a gift card from one of the stores with some money on it. We also left some money for the other daughter for her birthday.

 

The arrangment wasn't without problems but when they arose we spoke honestly about them and they were dealt with honestly.

When we rang them to say we needed the activate our visas in October 08 and that it would be a shorter more work orientated visit and less of a holiday as we now needed to save like crazy they didn't hesitate, they understood the position we were in (2 visits to Oz in 8 months for a family of four was very expensive) and offered to put us up immediately. We, of course, paid our way again, and where possible kept out of the way, but they insisted on the whole family trip out to Flinders and we all had a great time.

Our family were the perfect hosts and we tried to be the perfect guests, therefore when we arrive permanently we hope we will have the support we know we will need but give each other the respect and privacy we all require.

 

Tracey

 

PS loved the post about clip round the ear ala Basil Fawlty

[Moosh]

I can soooo sympathise with your experience. We've had a few visitors come and stay with us and they all seem to take the piss so we have decided not to accepted any more visitors. You think the next lot will be different but they just turn out to be the same. DON'T DO IT!!

[wizzywozza]

My sister and I bitch, fight and argue so much when she comes over that she now books into the McLaren Vale Motel and hires a car and pretty much does her own thing. That suits me just fine.

[Guest Fancy a Beer]

I think you tried to hard. Did you really have to be a tour guide? I would have a list of places of interest and directions to get there and say 'off you go, have a good day'. It's their holiday.

When we went to visit our friends in the USA they got on with their normal lives ie work, meeting friends, etc. We used their house as a base and did our own thing thing. Of course we went out as a group on the odd day but I wouldn't expect them to put their lives on hold to entertain us while we were there.

As for ashtrays. If they want a fag then they can go outside either out front or out back whatever is down wind. When they have finished they can extinguish it and dispose of it in the bin.

 

It your house and they have to follow your house rules. I reckon if the 'spoilt brat' stayed here for any period of time I think I may accidently catch them round the ear with my elbow when putting their meal on the table a la Basil Fawlty style. :biglaugh:

 

Pete

 

 

Yeah think you are right we did try to hard, tried to make it all perfect and it didnt work!!