Sorry but I need some help...

[Guest Libby1971]

Hi guys

 

This is particularly addressed to those who have been here for quite a while and have maybe gone through this but quite honestly any suggestions are welcome.

 

I am struggling, really struggling. I feel low, and it isn't that Australia isn't pretty and nice etc, it is just that I don't feel anything for it. I don't like it, I don't dislike it, I don't feel anything. And that makes me feel ridiculous.

 

For the first few weeks after we got here, there was so much to do, it was all a bit of a whirlwind. Find out where our money had gone, get that, shop, find rental, sort licence, sort schools, sort food etc etc etc. And to begin with it was like a very nice holiday but now over more recent weeks, it is getting harder to maintain the positive thoughts. I can feel myself start to withdraw and I am fighting that for all it is worth but don't know what to say when people tell me 'Oz is great'. Oz probably is great, if you want to be here but for me it has never been my dream, it has always been my husband's. I wanted to get the kids somewhere so they could have a more outdoors based lifestyle and they certainly have that here but I could be living anywhere.

 

A lady I work with (till the end of this week when the job finishes) who migrated 20+ years ago told me it took her 15 years to feel like Oz was home. Fifteen years! I feel like I have been cheated when everything I have done for more than 11 years has been focused on getting to Oz.

 

I am trying to stay positive, and I feel sure that the fact I am tired after a stressful term teaching has more than contributed to these feelings but basically, I wondered if anyone had gone through something similar and if they had any pearls of wisdom for how to get through this.

 

I am not about to leave Australia but what I do need is a way to enjoy it. This may not be making a great deal of sense, and it is so embarassing to feel this way when I have tried to be positive for my family and others. I had never expected to feel this way but hey, things bite you on the nose when you don't expect it.

 

I thought the first year would be hard, but for the kids, not me. I knew the husband would be like a dog with 2 tails and he is. Australia is everything he had hoped for and far far more, he is ecstatic everywhere we go (except with drivers) and that makes me feel so guilty as I know he wants me to enjoy it as much as he does too and I don't.

 

Sorry I am rambling. I'll shut up now.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

Libby xx:unsure:

[Guest stufi1997]

Hi Libby, i'm feeling for you and i think that everyone will go through ups and downs at some point. When i was there,(many moons ago) i thought it was wonderful. everything was new and exciting .. then came xmas.... i was walking past some fancy hotel and on the distance in the gardens was a lone piper playing his heart out , now any scotsman at that moment would have done as i did and bawled my eyes out. After he finished the man walked across the grass toward me to pack his pipes away into his car, as he came closer he saw me and said "aye aye min" (thats hello mate) and i just laughed sayin "fit like" ( thats how are you where i come from ) well that was it for us, he was from Huntly (20 mins down the road from me) and had been there for 20 years. I was the first person in all that time who had answered him back in his own tounge, but was no way intending coming back here just for nostalgia.he had come back home for a holiday years before and had forgotten what a down trodden race we had become , that and the longest winters anywhere in the world. Maybe you should stick it out for a year or two, save for a holiday here and come back for a month in the winter, perhaps you may feel different again? just a suggestion! anyway chin up Libby if we get our visa we'll come round and you can get it all off your chest over a glass..( bottle) of english wine!!! All the best Stu.

[The Monaghans]

Libby, I've lost your number (again!) so I've pm'd you. xxxxx

[Guest stephb]

hi libby,

i really feel for you, it must be so difficult feeling indifferent to australia when the rest of your family are so enthused about it. i have not moved over yet, and will be coming alone when i do so i am not in the same position as you. but i do think your feelings are something that anyone could experience, whether or not the initial australia idea was yours.

it sounds like you have been trying to be really supportive of your family while they settle in, which i bet has really helped them. have you been able to think of things that you would like to get from australia? i think sometimes if your feelings are set in contrast to those around you, it can make you feel even less enthused about a place. maybe if you had some time exploring a bit without your family you could look for the bits that you really like? it can really take a while i think to set up a network somewhere new. i moved from north to south london last year which is obviously a little less far () but i was surprised how long it took me to establish a new mini network of friends down here. i know i will really miss my friends when i get there, all the usual faces to catch up and let off steam with are not there. but as time goes on new faces become old... do you feel like you have an external support network apart from your family?

that it took 15 years for someone to feel at home in oz doesnt mean it would take you that. there is a chance it will never feel like your home, but just as possibly you will and it will take you less than that time- we are all different and that is ok.

i wish you all the best with it

steph

[happyhammer]

hi libby,not the news you would prob have off wanted, but just to you let you know you are not alone feeling like you do.

we have been here six months and thinking back to what we had (wife didnt have to work,two cars ,nice house the hols etc) what more was i expecting in oz.

Im glad we have made the move as i prob would have always thought the other side is always greener and like anywhere in the world i think life is what you make it.

we are giving it a year then will go back to uk for a holiday to see how it feels and who knows might be desperate to get back out here in the sunshine.

like me libby and prob a few others try not to keep thinking of the good things back home and as time goes on (so i have been told)it will get easier.take care,ken.

[Guest Guzzler&Sas]

Hi Libby

 

I really feel for you right now .... we were both so behind this move that I cannot imagine what life would be like if one of us was not 100% about it all.

 

However, once the million and one tasks have been achieved here with setting up a new life, reality takes over and life does become a bit routine based again. We have been here 15 months now and love it but then I have days when I wonder, but think that is perfectly normal. Australia for us has some much to offer and we simply love that.

 

I never thought I would come over here and start working again and find something which fits around my 4 and 2 year old girls, but I have and I love that. I have also found a great hobby (not done much of that because of work, but it is still there) so I do get a bit of me time. But it is important to not just be the backbone of your family Libby - and find out "what's in it for you?"

 

I have PMed you because I don't want to get all sentimental publically!

 

I will close with, what you are going through is a cold, hard fact of emigrating and we will all be there at some point to some varying degree ....

 

All the best for now

 

Sas

[Guest jen&ian]

Hi Libby,

 

I just wanted to send you my best wishes. You have just aired something I have been worrying about too. I think some of what you are feeling must be to do with feeling like a fish out of water. When you grow up somewhere even if its not that great everyday things are just sort of part of you, you regognise faces on the news and in the papers. you know the place you live like the back of your hand, but also could point out places a hundred miles away that you have never been to on a map and say something vaguely intelligent about them.You automatically know the required response when someone in the que at the supermarket says "what about that.... footie team....polititian....soap star..." When you go to the other side of the word you lose all that in the blink of an eye.

 

What I'm trying to say in a very long winded way:embarrassed:, is you mustn't beat yourself for feeling this way. As for advice on how long it may last or what you should do I'm really not qualified to say, but i really hope you find a way through it, good luck.......I'll shut up now:jiggy:.

 

Jen

[Guest graandjac]

:unsure:Hi Libby, seeing as we are still here in the uk i would not even try to offer advice on how you feel, but all i would like to say is that to at least come out and be honest about how you feel i admire a great deal and iam sure just doing this might give some other members a chance to help you on this rocky path.

Feeling embarassed you most definitely should not and maybe there are alot more people feeling just like you do right now, but they are just not able to admit it. Good luck Libby and i hope things turn the corner soon . Graham & Jacqui

[Guest nikkiandlee]

HI libby,

 

I can't add anything to what others have said, I am concerned I will have issues with moving so far (we are still in the UK so not really able to offer any advice).

I hope you find piece of mind soon! Maybe you could talk to your husband about your feelings instead of putting them to one side, he may be able to give you the support you need?!

 

Good luck

 

Nikki

X

[Guest sarahsmartiepants]

With out trying to throw a spanner in the works here...I think there are sooooo many posts about how people are "living it and lovin it" that from the UK it must sound like some kind of utopia or fantastic wonderland to live in, where there is no crime, nothing bad ever happens, I could go on...Because of this, some people might expect this and when they get here and the rush ends and they get down to normal life, shopping, cleaning, cooking, kids to school etc they realise it is just the same but in a shinnier bucket, which is my fav saying "same sh1t shinny bucket".

I'm not saying you were like this from the UK Libby, as I dont know you personally, it is just an observation I have made based on the amount of varied people I have met.

I think some people come with high expectations and when they realise it is not what they thought, thats when the rot sets in.

Reading your post, it could be a number of reasons for you, you werent totally behind the move, maybe thats why. Hopefully to make you feel better, I have a friend who has been here almost 2 years, in the first 6 months, she was a state, she went back to UK for a visit and could not wiat to come home, she said she remembered all the reasons she left for after 3 days of being there.

Reading my posts, people must think I am not happy here. I am, would not go back to the UK if you paid me, (unless a large amount! then I could come back) But to say I am loving it to me me is a bit of a strong statement, but I am very happy here. I guess I would say I would love living somewhere if I lived on a sunny sandy Island with a boat, jetski blah blah blah, but I dont, and would probably get bored after a while. So for the mean time i will say I like living in Aus much more than I did in the UK.

Libby, good luck, I think these feelings will pass. Maybe a trip back, just to see.

[Guest BJF]

Hiya Libby,

 

I've been here almost 3 years now, 2 years in Brisbane and 9 months here in Adelaide and me and the kids hate it, we'd go home tomorrow if I could afford the removals and flights.

 

Like you I feel nothing for the place, don't like or dislike it really, it's just not home.

[Guest Devon]

Hi Libby, I can understand you totally and thank you for starting this thread. Like you it is my OH who has been trying to come to Australia for years. It has been a really hard time for me. Like you I don't dislike it but have no feelings towards it - there are brilliant days and really bad days. My OH loves it (although having to work such long hours to earn the $ is starting to get him too tired to have time to enjoy it) this makes me feel so guilty and I really am trying. I will be honest I keep thinking it is my fault as Australia would never have been my dream place to come as it is so far away, the real Spain is beautiful too and so much nearer! I am trying so hard to love it - it is a beautiful place. Sometimes I have read the threads on here and think am I living in a different timeline, everybody loves it and I'm the only one with no feelings, it makes me feel guilty, negative and have all sorts of feelings. There is someone on here who makes me feel that I am failing my partner and not trying hard enough as they seem to love it so much. In this thread though they have said different and that has made me feel so much better! (Not that I don't want them to be 100% happy but that everyone seems to feel like it sometimes so it's not just me). Wasn't you Sarahsmartiepants by the way you're threads have actually kept me going sometimes! How sad is that?!? As I say it is a great place and some days I do like it but others as my visa won't allow me to work I sit at home bored silly thinking what am I doing here - no-one to talk to and can't even ring the UK as they're asleep! Not meaning to ramble on just trying to let you know I think I know where you're coming from. Still OH off for a week after today so we're going to do something yipee!!!! Hope this is a start! Sorry everyone this probably doesn't make any sense but I feel better for getting off my chest so thank you!

[Guest Devon]

Sorry rambled so long logged me off and then went twice!!!!!!

[Guest Welshy]

Hi Libby

I totally agree with the last post. Life here isnt a bunch of roses...its a hard slog setting up your whole life again, and starting new jobs, new schools, new cars etc. There isnt a wide support network for a lot of us and I have gone through a period of months when I felt like you..."whats the big deal about Australia? Its not that special to take us away from family etc". I have also spoken to quite a few friends who have gone through this, usually after around 8 months or so of arriving.. the honeymoon / holiday period has ended and real life has truely set in. We've been out here now for just over a year, it was my husband sidea to emigrate too, not mine. However, after a couple of low months, life is picking up again. Thinking about the reality of moving back to the UK and what that would entail etc has put things back into a bit of perspective. I hope you start to feel up soon, I dont think the winter months help with this either, lots less socialising and getting to the beach etc. Perhaps we have all suffered a bit of 'SAD'..

[Guest muppetbro]

posts like this are not to be dismissed ........

in fact there are too many useless posts that do naff all other than fuel dreams for those in the uk who moan about their lot back HOME - ask your "self which type of person are you..........." (sarahpeskymum)

 

hence ive never apologised for my "get real "postings despite some people having a go at my good character - irony of religion once again!!! - i fear for such people i really do but thats their life and its such a shame people cannot tolerate opinion - sunshine. dophins, surf etc etc do not make sod all difference to quality of life and im a bloody full on uk hardcore surfer who is living in the hills away from the beach.........each to their own but i just cant see how kangaroos and koalas can replace things close to the heart / soul

 

good luck for those who buy houses from the uk good luck for those cheap house prices cos there is a reason a very big reason and believe me there are many area the majority of people would not want to live - relief teaching gives a very good insight into the pulse of youth living within a community......

 

get that kettle on libby

 

martin

[Guest lastboyscout]

Even though it is refreshing to hear that all is not a bed of roses over there, it makes no difference to the reasons why people are emigrating in massive numbers from the UK and not just to Oz, to other countries all around the world.

 

People have differing reasons as to why they want to escape the life here in the UK, but mainly my personal reason is for a better future for my children. I can`t imagine how hard it will be for them in 20 years time and I can personally see no future for them here.

 

Whilst a few people on here will say `it could be the same here in 20 years` I will always have the opinion that if we don`t try it now ,we`ll never find out. The wife and I know we will struggle, we know that we will miss the family, we know that the kids might not settle, we know that we might end up in an undesirable area, we know that we will struggle financially, and if it doesn`t work out , we know that we gave it our best shot. Hopefully with all the effort being put in and working together as a family we will do well:D

 

Libby, with all our heart we hope that it all works out for you, and anyone else who feels this way to be honest, our best wishes go to you and yours and hope that you make the right decision as a family and do whats best for everyone

 

And I would think that if you look at the papers from this country, you probably wouldn`t want to come back

 

Especially if you support Chelsea

[Guest Libby1971]

Thank you, all of you for your support.

 

It helps to know I am not mad!

 

One or two people asked me if I had thought about what I want to get out of all this in OZ and I sat and thought and thought some more, and shocked myself by realising that in all the 11 years we have been planning this, not once have I actually considered what I want from a life in Australia. I can't believe I did it. Or not as the case may be.

 

I am lucky in that the lines of communication between me and the hubbie are open well and truly, whether he likes it or not. I did think about sparing his feelings and I did try to. But this move was something we did together and we have a life together and he needs to know what is happening in my world, good or bad. He has taken it well that I feel little for 'his spiritual home'. He is trying to be supportive but I have told him that right now, his support may consist of little more than dropping me off and picking me up at houses all over Adelaide and the pubs inbetween!!!!!!

 

I am tired which isn't helping. We have concerns about the health of one of our girls, we have just moved house and are trying to get settled, I have a cooker in my dining room (loooonnnggg story) and I miss my sister. I miss the familiarity but I love the Aussie attitude of say it as it is, none of that reading between the lines nonsense which I am rubbish at anyway.

 

I have some good friends in the Uk that I miss. What I found quite hard was the fact that people that I thought were good friends have not been in touch and have made no attempt to reply/ respond to us which is hurtful, no other words for it. I have a couple of friends here, and hope to be making a few more. The holidays will give the time I hope to reflect on my own hopes and dreams for the future and from there we should be climbing upwards.

 

I knew it would be hard and that loneliness and missing friends/ family was always going to be the thing that caused the most tears, but I thought I was more positive I suppose.

 

This really is an incredible opportunity to find out more about yourself. I thought I knew me, but not so! The hard work in a new location and the same ole run of the mill life isn't the issue so much as feeling satisfied at the end of the day when you turn up and smile at the life you have made. Maybe I am rushing things...but I am not patient and then perhaps placing unrealistic expectations upon myself is creating more stress...

 

Rambling again, sorry

 

Libby x

[Guest lastboyscout]

Personally it sounds like you are suffering from SAD, we have it in the UK for 365 days of the year

 

We hope it works out for you and as long as you feel you can talk to your OH and explain how you feel about it , the bad feelings may rescind, and all will be well, at least you aren`t bottling it up with no-one to talk to :GEEK:

 

As for the friends coming to see you/stay in touch stuff, we`ve had all that aswell , and all I say is `well, we aren`t that far away now, and you don`t visit/call, so what difference does a plane ride make'

[Guest ali@51]

Hi All I really feel for those of you over their who are struggeling and hope it gets better soon. I have been watching this tread with intrest as it is something we could all find ourselfes going through when we get their, and trying to think of some positive Ideas that might help.

 

Anyway here goes hope some of these may be of use :-

 

1. Right down all the reasons you wanted to move to oz. When we are feeling down and dishartend it is easy to loose sight of our goles and objectivs.

 

2.Wright a mood diary. Often our moods change impeceptivly over a long period of time and we can sometimes not see the wood for the trees but with a diary you can look back over a longer period of time. Hopefully you will then be able to think well yes i am feeling low but not quite as low as I was 2 months ago. Also it might help you see if their is a trigor for some of your feelings and if teir is you may be able to do somthing about it!

 

3.And heres the contrevecial one! get religion:). Whilst you can always remain true to your own belifes (or lack of them) inside if you can find a busy out going church their are often many other things going on. IE toddler groups, womens groups that do other things (ie walks picnics ect). church picnics curry nights and so on. You will be kept busy put down roots in the community and your brain can very quietly continue to aclimatize you to your new surroundings without you realizing it.

 

4. If you have time join a volentry group ie womens auxilerie? or some such Whilst helping others you may find yourself putting down roots and making new freinds.

 

5. I have also noticed their are a few of you on this sight in the same sittuation. hows about forming the P.O.P(P1ssed Off Poms) group A few good get togethers might help lighten the mood.

 

I realise that this is all from this side off the pond and may not work when we get their but wanted to try and contribut somthing positive. Hope things get better soon.

[Guest dglamoore]

Hi Libby

 

It must be incredibly hard for you at the moment. Many people move here thinking they will find some sort of paradise which it is definitely not

 

Yes the sun does shine more and the aussie attitude is a breath of fresh air but once that holiday feeling wears off it is bloody hard work getting yourself sorted out. We have been here five months and it has taken this long for Greg to get his first aussie company contract after a lot of hard slog and marketing so finally things are falling into place. Ironically I never felt at home in the UK and have wanted to leave since I can remember so this was definitely my dream. I am one of the lucky ones that feel at home here - good friends have helped with this a lot

 

I have a friend that feels very similar to you - she does not love it nor hate it but does not feel at home or settled. They are going back for a visit next year which I think for them will be the deciding factor on where they live. I have another friend that booked her return flight the day after landing and is now back in the UK buying her new home

 

You are not alone and my door is always open for a chat/coffee/wine etc. Never feel daft or embarressed for expressing your feelings. I really hope you find some peace and that something clicks for you one day so you feel more at home

 

Lisa

[Guest massive]

Hi Libby think your thread is great not the fact that you feel like sh**e !!!! but that you and a few replies are being honest Oz is my husbands idea and he gets p***ed of when i say that however I want to be true to myself Iam always saying to him lifes not so bad here 2 hol a year plus mini breaks 2jobs 2kids nice home nice area and his big response is big morgage sh** shift work no family time so i only hope that oz is everything he expects or i cud be you in 12months time however a tell myself we can always come home and bear that inmind 4 yourself and maybe coming home will make you understand where you want to be we have a friend who cudn't settle foe 3 years although her husband and kids loved it she come home for a holiday and went back she's never looked back

Takecare Debbie x

[Guest smit]

Iam always saying to him lifes not so bad here 2 hol a year plus mini breaks

 

 

Doesnt sound too bad to me either

[Guest Libby1971]

Hi one and all

 

Things go from bad to worse!!!

 

I was just starting to feel a bit more focused, if you know what I mean, and Sophie has another fit. She has had more since we have been here than when we were England and she was first diagnosed. This outdoors lifestyle may be just wearing her out a bit more than we thought and need a bit more planning.

 

It is at times like this I feel the absence of good friends who know us well.

 

Emily gets distressed, I get emotional and Bob gets very quiet. Of course we talk together but it gets a bit too much and we need space away. That being said no-one likes to go too far from Sophie as we want to take care of her and she will be sleeping on and off for the rest of the day. But good friends know that with one sentence how to support Bob and Emily - who do need something to do/ say to get it out of their systems.

 

With the time difference, I can't get in touch with anyone. Muppetbro has been great though which I appreciate. We have found some new friends there, methinks and they are a very lovely family.

 

Just wanted to get it off my chest so to speak. Other than that, things are a little better as the sun shines. I am not beating myself up over it all today which is good. I have somewhat bigger priorities.

 

Libby

[ianb]

Libby,

 

sorry to hear about the sickness with the little one. Not sure what else can be said than already has. But fingers crossed for you all. Good news that you are starting to find things slightly better and that meppetbro and family are looking out for you. Hope things settle down soon just try to keep your chin up.

The sun does make a difference to how you feel. Hope you soon settle and just think of us guys left here with the rain lashing down.

[Guest Russfamily]

hi libby my wife and i emmigrated back in 96 and then returned in 2000 only for us to decide to return later this year, i know exactly what u are going through although we didnt have any children worries then, life has afunny knack of working its way out some how or other.

 

chin up and take care we will be in adelaide soon