I've only checked them quickly so hope nothing too naughty........

Nicked from elsewhere:

. Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for
Christmas. ~Johnny Carson

. I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to
see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. ~Shirley Temple

. Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the
meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer... Who'd
have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and
spirituality would mix so harmoniously? ~Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes

. Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more
pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone
else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven. ~W.
C. Fields

. Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year." ~Victor Borge

. Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and
ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of
the next year." ~P. J. O'Rourke

. The threat of Christmas hung in the air, visible already in the
fretful look of passersby as they readied themselves for the meaningless
but necessary rites of false jovialities and ill-considered gifts.
~Peter Dickinson

. From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would
be necessary to invent it. ~Katharine Whitehorn

. Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of
children, they are all 30 feet tall. ~Larry Wilde

. Many banks have a new kind of Christmas club in operation. The new
club helps you save money to pay for last year's gifts. ~Anonymous

. In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians
called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukka'
and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People
passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy
Hanukka!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!' ~Dave Barry

.I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on
it saying, toys not included." ~Bernard Manning

. Were it not for the shepherds, there would have been no reception. And
were it not for a group of stargazers, there would have been no gifts.
~Max Lucado

. I wish we could put up some of the Christmas spirit in jars and open a
jar of it every month." ~Harlan Miller

. Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very
special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing
centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the
mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the
parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow
her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years
ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking
space. ~Dave Barry

. Let me see if I've got this Santa business straight. You say he wears
a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all
over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn't
laundering illegal drug money?" ~Tom Armstrong

. People can't concentrate properly on blowing other people to pieces if
their minds are poisoned by thoughts suitable to the twenty-fifth of
December. ~Ogden Nash

. There has been only one Christmas -- the rest are anniversaries. ~W.
J. Cameron
Don't Be Rushed For Christmas

A friend of ours waited until the last minute to send Christmas cards.
She knew she had 49 folks on her list. So she rushed into a store and
bought a package of 50 cards without really looking at them.

Still in a big hurry, she addressed the 49 and signed them without
reading the message inside.

On Christmas Day when things had quieted down somewhat, she happened to
come across the one leftover card and finally read the message she had
sent to 49 of her friends.

Much to her dismay, it read like this:

"This card is just to say
A little gift is on the way."
Suddenly she realized that 49 of her friends were expecting a gift from
Santa's Sled
Q: Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?A: Because it has
long-distance runners on each side.
Christmas Pun Punch-line
Entering Heaven Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint
Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through
the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may pass
through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's glasses.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just
what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carol's.
What do reindeer say before telling you a joke ?This one will sleigh you !
Funny Christmas Jokes - Skeleton

Why couldn't the skeleton go to the Christmas Party ?He had no body to
go with!