1. Nick Helm: 'I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.'

2. Tim Vine: 'Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.'

3. Hannibal Buress: 'People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time.' You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works.'

4. Tim Key: 'Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought ... once you've hired the car...'

5. Matt Kirshen: 'I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess.'

6. Sarah Millican: 'My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards.'

7. Alan Sharp: 'I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure.'

8. Mark Watson: 'Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife.'

9. Andrew Lawrence: 'I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails.'

10. DeAnne Smith: 'My friend died doing what he loved ... heroin.'