Telling the parents

[Guest The Waite Family]

My Mum (80) knows that we have been talking about emigrating so I asked her today how much she would like to know and how soon would she want to know if we were really going to go.

 

A year before? 6 months? 3 months?

 

She said as soon as we decide she would like to know so she could be prepared.

 

So I told her we had definitely decided it was now or never and we are waiting to receive the paperwork.

 

She looked a bit sad and said 'you have to do what's right for the children' and she will miss us. My sister left to live in France in December and she is still upset about that so I feel awful for leaving her and know once we go we probably will never see her again and that is something we will have to live with

 

We have even said she can come with us but she said its too hot and it wears her out walking into Pudsey (where she lives) never mind a 24 hour flight!

 

Then she started saying 'who is going to bury me? and I told her that Su (my sister) is only 2 hours away and I can be home in a day.

 

I've told her that we are not going to take anything with us when we go because if I can't take her then nothing else is important, and she said 'well you are taking the dogs and the cat!' she doesn't miss a trick! lol

 

Now the Mother In Law she is a different story altogether, we didn't dare tell her I was pregnant and that was 19 years ago!

 

God knows how she is going to take it because OH sister her only other child is moving to Brisbane in April and she is needing medication to cope with that information.

 

Don't know whether to tell her straight away or leave it till last minute - she is very delicate

 

When is the best time to tell?

[Guest banjo70]

Now the Mother In Law she is a different story altogether, we didn't dare tell her I was pregnant and that was 19 years ago!

 

 

Has she guessed yet?

 

On a serious note telling the aged parents or in my case grandparents - both 90 plus - is the hardest thing you can do. I feel for you - I told both mine we were thinking about it from the outset and keeping them up-to-date about it along the way - there were still tears when we told them the date we were going. There was no easy time - but it was such a relief once it was out there.

[The Monaghans]

It's a tough call for sure. If you tell her now you might be in for months and months of emotional blackmail but if you leave it until the process is almost over, then the shock might be too big for her. Personally speaking, we told everyone as soon as we started the process and yes, we had tears and upset but we felt unable to keep quiet about it for too long. My own mum was devastated, she's a widow and I'm her only child so therefore I was taking her only grandchildren to the other side of the world:sad:. With the aid of skype however, she "sees" us all twice a week and I received an email from her this morning telling me she's booked her flight to come and see us!:jiggy:Whatever you decide, it's going to be hard, but for my money, the sooner the better. Good luck!

[Guest Guest75]

Good for your Mum,we had similar from both of ours.Both wished us well and knew it was a good move for us all.

 

Tough call with your Mum in Law though...........

 

 

I'd leave it fairly late if you really expect bother.

Don't leave her too much time to lay emotional traps and try and brainwash the kids.

 

Hopefully she may realise you are going whether she likes it or not and will come around pretty quickly.

I've read some real horror stories on the forums about aggressive and blackmailing relatives so prepare for the worst and anything else is a bonus.

You really don't need extra stress during your move here.

 

Your Mum lives in Pudsey??

We lived there and had a frozen food shop in Lowtown.

Small world!

 

 

Best of luck!!!

[Guest ali@51]

I think this is a hard decision whichever way you go and we have done it both ways!

We told both sets of parents early on OH parents are very manipulitive and controling and to be honest we have had some troble we them MIL is still saying she wont come as it is too far. Even though she flys to america with other granddaughter:goofy:. FIL despite coments like your taking my only grandson away,to put this into context we also have 2 girls, has now said he will come even if MIL wont. we have just tryed to stay calm and consistent and to be honest time has been a good healer and they have come round to the Idea.

Both my Grans are very elderly 86 & 93 so we left it till the last minuet. The 86 year old reacted predictably with tears and upset and it was it was heart breaking when she said I won't see the children again because she is probably right. the 93 year old however amazed us she is right behind us and says to get out their and give her ggchildren the best life we can. This is despite my parents saying befor hand the news would kill her.

 

So I dont think their is a right or wrong way to do it you just have to pick a time and remain calm and consisten with re iterating your reasons, not rais to emotional black mail and drink copiouse amounts of alchol:biglaugh:

[Guest deborah]

My mum has already started the emotional blackmail thing!! She says that she wants to detach herself from us and the grand children as doesn't want to get too use to them being around!! You would think that she would really want to spend as much time with us a poss!

Just wondering if my girls will want to immigrate back to england when older!!

 

Debs

[Guest The Waite Family]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I was going to tell MIL today of our plans but am not so sure now.

 

If she is already on tablets cos OH sister is leaving in April I think I should leave it a bit?

 

She already has a history of mental illness and I don't want to be reponsible for whatever she might do.

 

We have already discussed the possibility of a suicide attempt the day before we are due to go - she really is that bad! She is not old either she is only 60.

 

Also if she finds out that Daniel (15) doesn't want to go she will get into his head and convince him that he would be able to live with her etc.

 

Good grief I can see why I want to get away from her! lol

 

She will start talking about spiders and all the negatives (I'm sure there must be a couple)

 

The thing is - she is kind of like a stalker! She lives over the road from us and rings if the cars not there to see where we are or if the car is there and it shouldn't be then something must have happened.

 

OH didn't believe me of the amount of times she calls, phones, texts me etc so last year i decided to keep a record of it all in a diary (sad I know but i wanted to make a point) all in all in calls, visits, texts, emails etc it added up to 382 times! That included calling in unannounced 168 times!

 

I think maybe she could be classed as one of the reasons why we want to get away but we can't tell her that can we?

 

Anyway enough of my waffling on.

 

Shall I tell her tonight or not? OH says yes tell her (although he works late on a Wednesday and doesn't come home till she's gone).

 

Kids want to be able to talk about it and not keep quiet when she's around - they could talk freely to their nanna yesterday.

 

I'll let you know if I did or didn't

[Guest The Waite Family]

Well, MIL been and gone and we all sat there looking at each other trying to get each other to say something and nobody did!

 

So she's gone home none the wiser

 

Oh well won't be long before she calls in unannounced so i suppose there will be plenty of opportunity.

[The Monaghans]

Poor you! I didn't realise your MIL was that bad so I'm taking back my previous piece of advice - don't tell her until three minutes before you board the plane!!!!

[Guest The Waite Family]

Poor you! I didn't realise your MIL was that bad so I'm taking back my previous piece of advice - don't tell her until three minutes before you board the plane!!!!

 

Maybe I should call her when I get there and say "The boys won't be coming round for tea tonight!"

 

[Guest Guest75]

Judging by your MIL's behaviour you are going to have "fun":wacko:.

 

If her behaviour is like this now what will it be like when you tell her???

 

I'd certainly leave telling her until all you plans are set.

[Hazel M]

I can totally sympathise coz my MIL is exactly the same - at least I dont have to worry about having to keep a diary of her phone calls etc as they havent een speaking to us for the last 4 months because they were offended that they werent looking after our girls when we went for our reckie in november. Even though we had asked them to help out.. history of mental issues there too so I totally get why you wouldnt want to make things any worse. And I can imagine, in our case, that she would do something dramatic the day before we are due to leave just to put a spanner in the works. Its all emotional crap that we shouldnt have to deal with. Why can't people just be nice and wish their family the best??

My mom has already said that she and dad will come over and see us all once a year - which is great, just wish that OH could have the same support.

 

Hope when you do tell them you dont get it in the neck too badly .... good luck. Sorry for a bit of a rant - but its nice to know that other people are in the same boat too!

 

Hazel.

[Guest Libby1971]

Maybe I should call her when I get there and say "The boys won't be coming round for tea tonight!"

 

 

 

It's what I did. Not to my mother exactly but I sent a letter to my brother from Heathrow. It arrived with him just as we arrived in Adelaide. I wish I could have told him sooner but my mother would ABSOLUTELY have done something to stop us getting on that place out of spite, no desire to see us, just stop us somehow. Brother admitted I was right not to have told him and also that she would have tried something. So that worked out well, she sulked apparently.

 

In your case, does she have any inkling that you are interested in this? Are you absolutely accessible from her point of view in that she thinks you are at her back and call 24/7? I have absolutely no idea how you cope with the fallout from this and have mixed feelings. I think sooner is better than later. That way she can decide how her behaviour affects the time you have left - if she is sensible you and the kids see her, if she is hysterical and upsetting the kids you don't.

 

It is a very simplistic comment based on reading your info and not meant to offend in anyway. I hope I haven't been too familiar!

 

The emotional stuff doesn't stop when you get on a place by the way. I stopped phoning my sister and aunt for a while because every time i did they would cry down the phone. It was bad enough being here without them but that wasn't fair IMO. So I stopped listening, told them I'd be back in 2008 approx Oct and they perked up a bit and now I talk to them weekly. Knowing that they would see us again and roughly knowing when really calmed things down and they are busy planning what we are doing during our time back there. Keeps them quiet and that's fine with me! They are only planning tea parties I think - how hard can a tea party be?

 

Libby

 

PS I do not envy you at all.

[Guest The Waite Family]

Like I said she lives over the road from us! She knows when we are in and when we are out!

 

She drives past and she slows down to get a good look!

 

I am quite concerned that she could actually kidnap Joseph (11) and run away with him!

 

It seems a bit far fetched but she really has gone a bit cuckoo since she found out in Oct that her daughter is moving to Oz. We know for a fact that she isn't coming back but MIL keeps telling us that it's only for 6 months!

 

I will be glad to see the back of her, my OH feels the same and so do 2 of our children which is a shame but I've had to put up with her for 22 years and I've just had enough!

 

She is terrified of flying and has never been on a plane so it might be a while before we see her again but I really do think she will try suicide the day before we go!

 

Families!

 

My poor old Mum said she'd better not start stalking her after we've gone!

[Guest The Waite Family]

OMG Mum rang me in tears this morning saying she couldn't stop crying and her legs wouldn't work properly!

 

Rang the doc and went straight up and it turns out she has had a TIA (mini stroke)

 

The doc said she didn't need to go to hospital if she didn't want to (she didn't) and they have made an appointment for her to have a scan early next week.

 

I had to ring my sister (who went to live in France in November) and she said Mum was fine until I told her I was going to live in Australia.

 

And to top it all Laura (18) failed her driving test again this morning

 

Dianne

[Hazel M]

Hi Dianne,

 

Sorry about your Mum, it must have been a real shock to hear her like that. At least its good to know that she didnt have to go into hospital.

I hope you dont feel responsible for this after speaking to your sister - it could have been triggered by anything... Hope all goes well with the scan and will be able to help put your mind at rest next week.

 

Hazel x

[Guest Nicky&Andy]

:unsure:i told my mum on wednesday, took me an hour to pluck up the courage, wow i couldnt believe how well she took it, now im worried that she took it too well !! i know weve talked about going for years, but its abit different when its a reality,

[The Monaghans]

Oh Dianne, you ARE having a bad day aren't you? Bit mean of your sister placing the blame at your doorstep though. It's absolutely NOT your fault, anything could have triggered it. I'm sure your mum will be fine, the doctor would have insisted she go to hospital otherwise. Keep your chin up, nobody said it would be easy and after the start you've had it can only get better! And Laura can always book another test!!

[Guest Libby1971]

I can't believe it!

 

My gran had a mini stroke putting her hat on as she trying on the outfit for my cousin's wedding. So I somehow don't think that your news about Australia has much to do with it. Totally agree with Liz. Maybe your sister told your mum she had had snails for lunch!

 

As for the driving test, I was told that the best people fail their driving tests on more than one occasion. I find this is giving me hope when I haven't even had a lesson yet and I am about to book one (a lesson, not a test, I am not that convinced I can do this).

 

In all seriousness though, your mum could have had this happen at any time - it is not your fault and your news had absolutely nothing to do with it. This is a sad thing to have happened but purely coincidental.

 

Driving tests are a pain undoubtedly and your daughter is under a lot of pressure right now. I would have been amazed if she had passed. Ten out of ten though for effort.

 

You do realise that you have to tell your MIL now don't you? After your mum and daughter, this will be a walk in the park.

 

Thinking of you

 

Libby xxx

[Guest Racht70]

Maybe I should call her when I get there and say "The boys won't be coming round for tea tonight!"

 

 

I shoudn't laugh but heheee:biglaugh:

Seriously tho i hope it all works out for you guys it must be soooo hard, when i told my mum we was thinking about it she was "yeah cheap long holidays when i retire!' lol im pleased she took that attitude as it dosent make emmigrating such a deal (i know it is tho) but it makes it easier.

[Guest Racht70]

Maybe I should call her when I get there and say "The boys won't be coming round for tea tonight!"

 

 

I shoudn't laugh but heheee:biglaugh:

[Guest The Waite Family]

OMG laura has told her!

 

She said the same thing about my Mum

 

She also said that she was going to go years ago but she couldn't possibly have left her poor old mum all on her own

 

She also has a friend who was an Australian policeman and he said there is more crime in Australia than there is here!

 

Then she cried and I told her that it would be about a year yet because we want to go on holiday to Lanzarote agaiin at Christmas and then she cried again because we wouldn't be spending our last Christmas with her

 

Then she sat outside in the car for about half an hour (presumably crying)

Then she rang OH at work and..................... well cried

 

Oh well its done now at least we can talk about it!

[Guest Racht70]

Awwww hun, well at least its all out in the open now no more pussyfooting around.Good luck with the rest of the time you have with her!

P.S hope your mum is doing ok now.

[Guest macu68]

For goodness sake, you have got a plateful. Tell your daughter to use rescue remedy, most people (especially us women) fail our driving test because we are nervous, you can buy it in boots. I have spoken to another PIA member recently who has stopped/cancelled the whole migration process due to pressure from family/friends. Just stay focussed on what you are doing and why you are doing it. Your MIL made a choice not to emigrate all those years ago and has lived her own life, sounds harsh, I am sorry. Don't give in to emotional blackmail, you are not responsible for the actions of others. I am sorry that your mum has had a stroke, I hope she is recovering well. I am sure you are not responsible for this. You are showing real strength and determination to get through all of this and still keep positive about your move.

 

Hope to see you in Adelaide when we get there (hopefully by end of 2008 latest), keep your chin up and emphasise to your mum and MIL that you want to spend time with them now and enjoy their company and not feel pressured.

 

Good luck

[Guest The Waite Family]

Just thought I'd update:

 

Mum much better and getting out and about again - even managed to persuade her to get some goldfish (to keep her company)

 

She's decided she wants to go into sheltered accomodation when we go so she wont be on her own

 

laura passed her driving test yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!

 

And Mother in law - : her only daughter (OH's sister) emigrated to Brisbane today! Has told her she is coming back in six months yet taken 29 boxes with her and is having her Lexus shipped over so I think it might be a bit of a fib

 

Went out for a farewell meal on friday night and MIL said that her friend emigrated to Australia but had to come back after 4 and a half years because she couldn't get over her fear of spiders AND her daughter was murdered whilst she was there!

 

I think she spends her time thinking of things to put us off but I knew she would so we are just ignoring her stupidity.

 

Dianne