My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning. Can you believe that….2:30am?! Luckily for him, I was still up playing my bagpipes at the time.
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I managed to beat him off with a vacuum cleaner...talk about Dyson with death.
I said to my Irish mate Mick: "Mick, I'm thinking of buying myself a Labrador."
Mick says: “Really? Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on. I said: “Come on - you're pulling my leg.”
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the footpath. At least I presume she was poor...she only had $1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet...
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst, so I went to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him about it, he reckoned he could stop at any time....
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there, I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin. 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, “they've lost the plot!”
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70 each! “Bug*er this,” I thought, “I can get one cheaper off the web.”
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving around this morning when I saw an RAA van parked by the side of the road. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, “that guy's heading for a breakdown.”
On holiday recently in Spain, I saw a sign that said “English speaking Doctor”. I thought, “What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?”