Visa granted, wife getting cold feet...

[guspjmh]

Hi all. We got our Visa approved today and we are looking to get the house on the market asap.

 

However, my wife is starting to be quite negative about the whole thing and making comments like she doesn't want to sell the house, she's not sure if we should go, we have great friends here and no-one there etc. I know the move is the right thing for the kids in terms of quality of life and future opportunities, but don't really know how to deal with this negativity - this is a big scary move for me too! It's a bit of a downer because I was hoping we'd be planning and getting excited together, rather than focusing on the negatives - but she must be too worried to think about anything positive.

 

Anyone been through this and got some advice?

Edited May 16, 2012 by guspjmh

[Guest Goochc0]

I am sure until the Visa is granted it doesn't seem quite real - it still seems like a possible until it is granted.

Now you have your Visa it will seem very real to her and understandably she is questioning if it is something she really wants.

I think it is natural to some extent to question your decision but that also means once she has come to the decision again she will be more sure than ever. I can imagine it is scary to move and need to make new friends - perhaps she is just worried.

Good luck and I hope you can both get excited very soon x

[Leeds1877]

Hi,

 

We have had lots of discussions around should we/shouldn't we??

 

We are.going to go for it...selling the house, shipping furniture and rehoming all of our pets.

 

Give it a go- whats the worst that can happen? You try for two years and spend a few quid. If you don't like it you can always come home and say"at least we had the guts to try". When you re old and grey you can look back with no regrets cos the money won't mean anything to you then but you will still have your memories.

 

Good luck planning it all- our house went on market five days ago and had three viewings so fingers crossed ..

 

Anna

[Tamara (Homes Down Under)]

Hi,

This is such a massive step that you are taking and the mixed emotions are all part of the package.

There will be things that you love about Australia and there will be things that you miss about the UK.

Maybe go over the reasons that prompted you to move here in the first place?

 

It's an incredibly stressful experience..you tick so many major stress boxes...selling home, changing jobs, leaving friends and family...making new friends and it's totally normal to have doubts and fears.

 

I hope that everything does work out for you and that Australia is everything that you imagined.

 

take care.

 

Tamara

[Guest ali]

Gus,

 

I'm not married so not an expert in that department. I read your OP twice an came back to the second line. Maybe she's worried that if you guys sell and make the move and for whatever reason (I hope not) you decide that its not for you and want to move back to the UK, then your home won't be there. The way I see it, in life sometimes you lose but the beauty of it is that you become that much stronger and much more experienced and then you start winning again. I know that I shouldn't use the context of win/lose to define what I believe life is but thats the easiest I could think of right now.

 

Your home in your wife's view is the security that gives her peace of mind, that no matter what happens, you still have your own roof above your head. I think that selling it takes away the security she feels. I'm not in your shoes so I can't be 100% right. I believe that what she's questioning is leaving behind the security she feels and the luxury of being familiar to the environment you guys are living in.

 

But this is what going on an adventure in the 21rst century feels like. We are much more luckier than the pioneers that founded America (the whole continent) and Australia. They left without knowing anything. So this adventure of yours, even though its costly but at worst is SAFE. You know the facts, maybe not the feel of the place but you are much more ahead than those before you.

 

I don't know if I've made any sense at all but I hope that you guys decide whatever is best for you.

 

Cheers mate:smile:

[barbaitch]

Hi all. We got our Visa approved today and we are looking to get the house on the market asap.

 

However, my wife is starting to be quite negative about the whole thing and making comments like she doesn't want to sell the house, she's not sure if we should go, we have great friends here and no-one there etc. I know the move is the right thing for the kids in terms of quality of life and future opportunities, but don't really know how to deal with this negativity - this is a big scary move for me too! It's a bit of a downer because I was hoping we'd be planning and getting excited together, rather than focusing on the negatives - but she must be too worried to think about anything positive.

 

Anyone been through this and got some advice?

 

Hi guspjmh:

 

This is one of those de ja vu moments for me!

 

I remember back in 1974 when my husband suggested we go back to live in Australia (we'd been living back in England for 13 years at the time,and were enjoying a really nice social life with good friends, jobs, schools, house, etc - having both emigrated in 1957 (separately; both being 17 year olds the first time, and then met, married and become parents in 1961, before returning to England soon after)) -- and I said, "Leave England? But what about our friends? We don't have friends in Australia!" And he said: "We do have friends in Australia; we just haven't met them yet...!"

 

And he was right! We did go back to Oz(Adelaide) a few months later, and remained them for 19 years, during which time we made some wonderful friends - both Oz and English.

 

Please reassure your wife from me, guspjmh. There are friends aplenty waiting in Oz for you. If you have friends in England, I promise you'll have friends there, too. You'll be okay,I promise.

[spanners]

Don't over complicate things - get a new wife.

[keldaz]

Hi, you've stated that your wife is starting to become negative, but didn't mention how positive she was to begin with. I don't think your situation is unusual, and its more often than not its the guy thats super keen. Think your going to have to address the issue with a serious one to one chat, and genuinely take on board all her concerns. Difficult to give a complete strangers advice, but I suggest the give it a go attitude. We were always 100% together on the move over but before we left my brother in law gave me some sound advice. He said ' you've got to do it, but don't set the whole move in stone, keep your options open, and make sure its working out first. Maybe try to put across thats its an exciting adventure that could lead to a better life for you family, rather than a totally set in stone move without options.

After we'd been here 8 weeks or so I bumped into another ex-pat. Where we have chosen to rent, he had bought, where we bought old cars, he had bought brand new. If you compare us to him, our options are far more open. Funny thing is we love it here, where as he couldn't stop moaning about the place. If decide to move back to UK or interstate, easy peasy lemon queasy.

Hope I've helped a bit. Good luck.

[Guest pixie7]

I think its completely normal. I was excited when we got visa and then reality hit- what you actually expect me to leave family and friends?!!

OH was positive all the way and quite ok leaving family etc, I knew I wanted to go but definately had a dip after the visa- its suddenly so scary and real. 4 months in and we are settled- both working and happy- alot of hard work between visa and this point though! And Ive not once wanted to get on a plane and go home -although would like to fly some people over here

 

The emotions of leaving family and friends and everything you have ever known cant be described and I would never go through it again but now Im here I have no regards.

Goodluck

[Leeds1877]

Pixie - my hubby's biggest fear is leaving his secure deputy head job in the uk to look for a new job in Primary in oz...how have you found the recruitment process thus far?

[jim and adel]

Hi all. We got our Visa approved today and we are looking to get the house on the market asap.

 

However, my wife is starting to be quite negative about the whole thing and making comments like she doesn't want to sell the house, she's not sure if we should go, we have great friends here and no-one there etc. I know the move is the right thing for the kids in terms of quality of life and future opportunities, but don't really know how to deal with this negativity - this is a big scary move for me too! It's a bit of a downer because I was hoping we'd be planning and getting excited together, rather than focusing on the negatives - but she must be too worried to think about anything positive.

 

Anyone been through this and got some advice?

 

The only advice I would offer is to discuss it as fully as you can, listening to the reasons rather than trying to persuade your wife about the merits of moving. I notice you mention negatives three times but the examples you give seem to be concerns that are very reasonable when facing such a big decision. From here it's impossible to tell whether she's being negative or realistic and you positive or unrealistic!

 

The other explanation is that your wife has simply decided she doesn't want to go, in which case all the pros of making the move won't count for much. As for your kids having more opportunities here that's a source of much debate - SA loses more of its kids (once old enough to decide their futures) interstate than any mainland state, and Australia as a whole loses a big proportion of its young people, which is one of the reasons it's got such an ageing population. This suggests many don't think the opportunities here are that great!

 

Good luck whatever the decision!

 

Jim

[Guest vikkiann]

I am sure until the Visa is granted it doesn't seem quite real - it still seems like a possible until it is granted.

 

 

Hi, we started the whole visa application early in 2007. We got our visa August 2008, went over in the November to validate and when i came home i point blankly said i'm never going back to Australia.

Luckily we had a 5 year visa and about 2 years ago i started to change my mind but by then the Uk was in a bad recession, we couldn't really afford to sell the house and my dad had been diagnosed with cancer. It was a total nightmare!

Last summer i finally came to the conclusion that i don't want my kids to grow up here, my hubby is self employed and was working all the hours going just to try and make ends meet and i'd had enough i wanted my kids to know who their dad was and we put the house on the market, we were getting offers 40-50k under the asking then in Feb this year we had an offer 22k under so we took it.

We are just waiting for it all to finalise now.

 

I think that i am the 1 who is more excited than my hubby now but i think if we'd gone in 08/09 as planned we'd have returned because i'd have found a reason to.

It took me a long time to come to my senses and like your wife it was just a dream until we got the visa, once we had it i was life gosh this is real life, do i really want this?!

I tell my hubby that he should have put his foot down and forced me to go but he knows that it wouldn't have worked.

 

I have fantastic friends that i know i may never see again but you can always make new friends, i'm doing it for my kids and sometimes we have to make sacrifices.

 

For us it has been the most heart wrenching thing we'll ever do but i honestly believe that its the best thing for us as a family.

 

Good luck and i hope your wife comes round.

[Guest Paula H]

Hi ya,

 

Firstly CONGRATULATIONS on the visa.

 

It sounds like she is having a wobble as its all 'real' now. Its only normal though and im sure there will be more wobbles before you go. We were granted our visa in Dec and our house was already on the market, in fact we had sold it, we were just waiting on dates to exchange/complete - we are leaving good jobs, great friends, amazing family members (my mum & dad are gutted but have not once said dont do it), yet still we are going.

 

We like you, have no jobs to go to, have never been before and dont know what the future over there holds, but one thing is for sure, we will try dam hard to make it work over there.

 

You have a lot of support on here, the people are great, can she join here and raise her concerns?

 

If you want she can email me direct? PM me if you want my email add for her.

 

It is hard but your country isnt going anywhere once you leave it and im sure she will regret it if she doesnt at least try.

 

Anyway enough rambling from me.

 

Paula

[Guest Sachertorte]

Tough one. I don't completely concur with the suggestion of some that encourage people to "at least give it a go". If only things were that simple. The whole migration process is a very expensive one, and I would not suggest for a minute diving in head first without some sanity checks. Losing tens of thousands of pounds is not light matter!!

 

1) Have you thoroughly researched your job prospects by personally contacting agencies etc just in case you need to re-train.

2) Do you have enough DISPOSABLE cash to sustain you frugally for about 6 months?

3) Are you prepared to be flexible as to jobs?

3) If you owned a house, are you prepared to rent?

 

We came with pre-school aged children, and found it unbelievably hard to for me to have any money left over after nursery fees (we were on the 475 though).

I have no idea about teaching registration, but assuming your wife is job ready, she might have better chances initially... are you prepared to have dad at home?

 

And assuming your reality check gives you a positive score- are you prepared to give it 110%?? We were fortunate enough to come here with jobs, but having said that we decided my husband would come by himself first after we had the visa, as we could not afford a reccie for all the family, and sussed his options. That trip to Aus led to a job later on.

 

I totally agree with Jim and Adel. Talk to your wife. Find out what is scaring her.

 

The opportunities for the kids here are debatable in some aspects. Physical development wise no-one can object to Australia being far superior. I find Aussie kids are far more socially rounded also because they play together a lot from babies stage.

 

But education is a bit behind here and the academic drive here is nowhere as competitive and the drive to get ahead not really that pronounced (unless of course, you look at the top private schools like Scotch). Older kids will feel the pull of Europe.

 

Keep us posted. Thoughts with you.

[Petal38]

Hello everyone, what an interesting discussion!

 

Luckily, so far, both my husband and I are equally excited about our move - although i'm more emotional about acknowledging how difficult leaving family and friends will be when the time comes. We were granted our 176 nearly 2 months ago. We're hoping to rent our house out, so have been busy spending money on it, making it as rentable as possible, over the last year or so. Like a lot of people have said already, it's understandable to have cold feet, but I would be hesitant about making the move, if after some really honest discussions, one of you was still not embracing the idea. I only say that as i am aware of problems it has caused in relationships when one person is only making such a big move to please their partner. I have to be honest that the real push for me was being made redundant last year, my husband had always really wanted to move to Oz. The only decent jobs for me are down in London now, and no thank you moving down there! Also, realising how short life is, and i'm really looking forward to a change of scene having spent half my life where we live now - it's a big world! My dad has recently been diagnosed with cancer and hasn't long left, so i have been feeling guilty about our plans to make the move first quarter of next year. But luckily we told all our family and close friends when we first started the process early in 2011, so thank god we did or it would feel a million times worse now.

 

Arrrrgh, isn't life so complex sometimes. But, i still truly believe we are all so lucky to have this fantastic opportunity, and like someone said, if living in Oz doesn't make you happy, we can always come back and never harbour those regrets about not giving it a go when we're older and perhaps with ill health.

 

Enough warbling from me - can someone please answer a question for me - my husband was the lead applicant for us and secured the 176 state sponsorship. DIAC said the visa has to be 'validated' by 23rd Jan 2013, do both of us have to go over to Oz to validate, or can my husband also validate my visa at the same time??????????????

 

Best wishes to you all - i'm sure we're all facing similar challenges of all these different kinds

[Guest Iron Chef]

Pixie - my hubby's biggest fear is leaving his secure deputy head job in the uk to look for a new job in Primary in oz...how have you found the recruitment process thus far?

 

 

Ironic that my first post isn't in the transport section, but hubby won't have any problems getting a teaching job here (I'm an ex-primary school teacher, married to a primary school teacher). Far easier to get work once you're here than trying to apply for jobs from the UK. Supply teaching (we call it relief teaching or TRT) is very easy to get once you've gone through the necessary hoops to do so.

 

Government schools require special accreditation which can be a bit of a pain (time wise, that is - it's not overly difficult), but private schools don't require that. Private schools generally do their own hiring and firing, so you'll find that the easiest way to get a job is to do a bit of supply teaching. From there, it will be a contract, then a full time permanent position. Males are highly sought after these days!

 

Hope this helps

[Guest K.gordon]

Hi there, we have just had our Student Visa approved too and are sooo excited! It's taken nearly 5 years to get to this point and can't believe we're finally here. The house is on the market to rent, had one couple who seemed great but their credit checks proved otherwise, so back to the drawing board, hopefully it will be let quickly so I can start my course in July. Failing that, I can start my course in the October but just want to get there now.......

 

I too have had negative thoughts, will hubby get a job, will we have enough money etc. etc. I don't doubt for one minute that my children won't fit in, they're 4 and 3 and its the best time for them, making friends is easy (sometimes I wish I was still 4 years old!). We are giving ourselves 2 years to settle, hoping not to return but if it does for whatever reason go horribly wrong at least we have our house to come back to, just safeguarding ourselves really.

 

I wish you all the best and good luck with everything.

[Guest guest8040]

I think it's perfectly normal gus we were granted the same day as you (only 2 days ago remember) and to be honest we're letting it sink in and making time at the weekend to talk about deciding what to do next, with telling our 7 and 4 year old being top priority. I think you perhaps need to just let her adjust - we've both been shell shocked since Tuesday and I'm probably more enthusiastic and 'fortune favours the brave' attitude than my husband. Like others on here have said its a big jump getting that visa granted. We're probably going to be on a similar time line getting out there do tell her there'll be one other friendless lonely mammy in the area!

[Guest Thong02]

Ali, what a great and thoughtful response. We have our visa's and still discussing if we should stay or go. I am a mum and a wife and can completely relate to what you have said. Thanks for the words. x

[guspjmh]

Gus,

 

I'm not married so not an expert in that department. I read your OP twice an came back to the second line. Maybe she's worried that if you guys sell and make the move and for whatever reason (I hope not) you decide that its not for you and want to move back to the UK, then your home won't be there. The way I see it, in life sometimes you lose but the beauty of it is that you become that much stronger and much more experienced and then you start winning again. I know that I shouldn't use the context of win/lose to define what I believe life is but thats the easiest I could think of right now.

 

Your home in your wife's view is the security that gives her peace of mind, that no matter what happens, you still have your own roof above your head. I think that selling it takes away the security she feels. I'm not in your shoes so I can't be 100% right. I believe that what she's questioning is leaving behind the security she feels and the luxury of being familiar to the environment you guys are living in.

 

But this is what going on an adventure in the 21rst century feels like. We are much more luckier than the pioneers that founded America (the whole continent) and Australia. They left without knowing anything. So this adventure of yours, even though its costly but at worst is SAFE. You know the facts, maybe not the feel of the place but you are much more ahead than those before you.

 

I don't know if I've made any sense at all but I hope that you guys decide whatever is best for you.

 

Cheers mate:smile:

 

Thanks for all the replies!

 

I think it's just her way of dealing with her concerns, and I have mine - which I'm sure are even more annoying! We had a chat about it and we both still want to go (despite being scared!)

[Marshy]

Don't over complicate things - get a new wife.

 

Brilliant!!!

[Guest ali]

Ali, what a great and thoughtful response. We have our visa's and still discussing if we should stay or go. I am a mum and a wife and can completely relate to what you have said. Thanks for the words. x

 

Cheers Thong,

 

You are absolutely welcome. I wish for you and other families that are in this position the best and hope that you make the best of your lives. I just sent my medicals and will be waiting for the visa to be granted. If they give it to me and if all of us make it there I hope that we can meet and smile away the worries specially that we've all shared.

 

Good luck and looking forward to reading much good news from you.

[Guest ali]

Thanks for all the replies!

 

I think it's just her way of dealing with her concerns, and I have mine - which I'm sure are even more annoying! We had a chat about it and we both still want to go (despite being scared!)

 

Scared is good mate. It keeps you sharp. I used to box and my coach used to tell me that if you're not scared when you go inside the ring then you're not all right up in the head. So I guess being scared a little bit helps you focus and makes you ready for the big move.

[Guest USA soon just SA]

Don't over complicate things - get a new wife.

 

do you mean a new australian wife, or get a new one before you go. I ask because there already seem to be enough reasons for australians to dislike immigrants. Best get the new one before you go, just to be on the safe side!