Two Leeds fans talking. The first guy says: "Did you hear about Bert? 'E were found shagging a sheep behind the barn last night?"
"Female sheep was it?"
"Course it were. There's nowt queer about Bert!"
A tourist in Yorkshire sees a man bent over a sheep.
"Are you shearing?" asks the tourist.
The Yorkshire man replies "No, get your own, there's one over there."
"Hellooo I would like som de-odorant please."
"Certainly sir, ball or aerosol?"
"Neither, I want it for my armpits."
My wife had to take our Schnauzer dog the the vets as it had a hearing problem, the vet found it had a lot of hair growing and getting clogged up, so he clips the hair and tells the wife to get some 'Nair' hair remover and apply regulary and that should solve the problem. So of she went to the chemist and asks for the 'Nair" hair remover, and the chemist offers some advice to her, " if your using this on your armpits then do not use deoderant for a few days" I'm not using it on my armpits she says, "well then if using it on your legs then do not use body lotion for a day or two" (you all know where this one is heading don't you?) I'm not using it on my legs either she says, and if you really want to know I am using it on my Schnauzer, " well, say the chemist, in that case don't ride a bike for a week!"
Originally Posted by Ktee
Ktee, do you think we tell everyone the name of our book?
It took me a while to get this one, probably being blonde doesnt help.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together. A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people the four men can't see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks: ''Can you see me now?'' The four men answer: ''Yes.'' ''Oui.'' ''Si.'' ''Ja.''
An antarctican goes into a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. She looks on the side of her cup and finds a peel-off prize. She pulls off the tab and yells, "I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home! I WON a motor home!"
The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!"
The antarctican replies, "No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!" By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor homes because we didn't have that as a prize!"
Again the antarctican says, "No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!" She hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"
Got it, but i'm grey! (natural)
It's all in the punctuation:
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing."
09-08-2013, 06:36 AM #100
1) Pull up to machine
2) Wind window down
3) Insert ATM card, enter PIN
4) Retrieve cash
5) Drive away
1) Pull up to machine
2) Open door (too far away from machine)
3) Search through all of the 112 compartments in handbag for ATM card
4) Do make up, apply lipstick, fix hair
5) Insert Card
6) Remove card
7) Insert card the correct way up
8) Search for piece of paper with PIN on it
9) Enter PIN
10) Enter correct PIN
11) Retrieve cash, put in bag
12) Drive off
13) Reverse back to machine
14) Retrieve card
15) Drive three miles away
16) Release hand-brake