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And for the tightfisted Yorkshire Men out there
Stanley decided to lookup his friend Alf, who was a tight-fisted Yorkshireman. He found Alf at his bungalow in Leeds stripping the wallpaper from the dining room. Rather obviously, he remarked, "You're decorating, I see." To which Alf replied, "Nay Stanley lad, I'm moving 'ouse to Bradford."
Monty Kelly, a rich man who lived near Darwin, Northern Territory, Australia decided that he wanted to throw a party. So he invited his buddies including Darel, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.
The party was held around the pool in the backyard of Monty's mansion. Everyone was having a good time dancing, eating prawns, oysters and drinking and flirting.
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 16ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'
The words were barely out of Monty's mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Darel in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and choke holds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Darel and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Darel strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.
Darel then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. The Monty says, 'Well, Darel, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.' 'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Darel.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about a new car?'
'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Darel.
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Rolex watch and some stock options? Again, Darel said "No."
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Darel, then what do you want?
Darel said, 'I just want the b****** who pushed me in.'
Gee I can see whats going to come my way now!! well wait for the welsh ones, there coming soon!!!
Bloke from Barnsley with a sore arsehole asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, magnum or cornetto?"
I've got a Chinese neighbour, bless her she religiously puts her bins out on collection daqy but last week she missed it.
I saw her that evening and said 'where's your bin'
she said 'I bin Hong Kong'
realising she misunderstood I said 'no wheres your dustbin?'
she said 'I dust bin Hong Kong'
in a final attempt to make myself understood I said 'no --- where's your wheely bin'
she said' I dust told you I wheely bin Hong Kong'
An Englishman an Irish man and a Scotsman, walk into a pub the barman says what's this some type of joke!!
The local shop ran out of milk but fortunately for me my elderly neighbour Ethel has plenty stacked up on her doorstep!
In Bradford last night a Muslim was shot with a Starting Pistol, the police are certain its race related!!
I went to the local chemist for some condoms, the assistant said they haven't got any and have I tried Boots, I said yes but it leaks out of the lace holes!!!
I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest but explaining thay were not a dating agency!
Things were bad when I was a Kid the older boys used to cover me with cream and chocolate and put a cherry on my head..... yes life was tough in the Gateau!!! chringe
Last edited by Keith & Linda; 08-07-2013 at 06:00 AM. Reason: spelling mistake
I'll probably get banned but I couldn't resist these
Some of these are rather risque and they're certainly not politically correct- but a lot of them are rather funny!
Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do
was eat, drink and be Mary.
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a
turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself
next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said,
"Let's hope it's not the 13th then."
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to
hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window.
If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be
honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women
Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can
supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change
supplier I think.
Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said
white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's
Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.
ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"
And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another
Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!
In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver,
bronze, copper & lead.
Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a
Middle aged couple from Weymouth.
An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan ! He is
making land Mines that look like prayer mats! It’s doing well!
Prophets are going through the roof!!
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast,
they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, f@@k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look
horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'
Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face
or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!
An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife
leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what
do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
Jane and Clive
CPV 143 - Feb 2010 Acknowledged 3rd May 2010, VISA GRANTED 3rd June, 2011, Arrived 5th October Moved to new house 18th November 2011, 2014 Living the dream!