I say, I say, I say..

[Ktee]

Following on from Keith's thread I thought I would start one where we can share jokes, please try and keep them clean as we are a family forum.

[Ktee]

Why dogs make better spouses:

 

 

1. The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.

 

 

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

 

 

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

 

 

4. A dog's parents never visit.

 

 

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

 

 

6. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

 

 

7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

 

 

8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

 

 

9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

 

 

10. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

 

 

11. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

 

 

And last ... but not least:

 

 

12. If a dog leaves, it doesn't take half of your stuff.

 

 

To test this theory:

If you have a partner, lock them and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you.

[Blossom]

I only know one joke. It's probably too rude...

If you are under 12 stop reading now....

 

What is better than a man with a penis down to his knees?

 

A man with a penis up to his chest. :-D

 

Sorry. :-)

[Keith & Linda]

Following on from Keith's thread I thought I would start one where we can share jokes, please try and keep them clean as we are a family forum.

 

Looks like that fell on deaf ears! or do we say blind eyes in this case, Still a good one though Blossom, think i better keep mine in check!!

[Keith & Linda]

I met a beautiful girl at down the park yesterday, the sparks flew, and we made love there and then! gee I love my new taser!!!

[Guest Guest75]

It had to be said.........................

 

 

 

 

[Keith & Linda]

Think I will use this thread for what my kids call 'daddy jokes' you know the one where they sigh and do not laugh but then they tell their mates at school these great jokes they have. So here goes:-............

2 goldfish in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing"? ; 2 fish swim into a concrete wall one says damn! ; 2 parrots on a perch one says to the other "can you smell fish"?

[Ktee]

Think I will use this thread for what my kids call 'daddy jokes' you know the one where they sigh and do not laugh but then they tell their mates at school these great jokes they have. So here goes:-............

2 goldfish in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing"? ; 2 fish swim into a concrete wall one says damn! ; 2 parrots on a perch one says to the other "can you smell fish"?

Oh dear no wonder the kids sigh

[Keith & Linda]

Just been down to the Gym, they have this great new machine, tough it made make me fell a little sick after half hour, but it gives me everything i need....... Mars bars, Kit kats, crisps the lot!!!

[Ktee]

Can women make you a Millionaire....

Yes as long as you were a Billionaire first

[Ktee]

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password... Something he will use to log on.

 

 

 

 

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in

 

 

 

 

 

 

P...

 

 

 

 

 

 

E...

 

 

 

 

 

 

N...

 

 

 

 

 

 

I

 

 

 

 

 

 

S.

 

 

 

 

 

 

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

 

 

 

 

 

 

***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

[Guest Guest75]

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password... Something he will use to log on.

 

 

 

 

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in

 

 

 

 

 

 

P...

 

 

 

 

 

 

E...

 

 

 

 

 

 

N...

 

 

 

 

 

 

I

 

 

 

 

 

 

S.

 

 

 

 

 

 

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

 

 

 

 

 

 

***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

 

I actually know two ladies who are blonde and honestly thought that 5 / 6 X's were a password.

In real life!

[Ktee]

Holiday Brochure Translation

Brochure circulated by a 5-Star Chinese Hotel

 

 

Getting There:

Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

 

 

 

 

The hotel:

This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

 

 

 

 

The Restaurant:

Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

 

 

 

 

Your Room:

Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

 

 

 

 

Bed

Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

 

 

 

 

Above all:

When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it."

[Toni]

50 Sheds of Grey

 

She stood before me, trembling in my shed.

“I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.”

So I took her to Bunning’s.

 

Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.

She still manages to get into the shed, though.

 

“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly.

“Mmmm, kinky!” she purred.

“Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.”

 

“I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be punished.”

So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

 

“Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!”

“Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?”

 

“Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos.

“I think so,” I gulped. “Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the receipt.

 

“Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.

“Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got fat ankles and no dress sense.”

[Keith & Linda]

I actually know two ladies who are blonde and honestly thought that 5 / 6 X's were a password.

In real life!

 

Just goes to prove that there is really no such thing as 'Blond jokes' there all true!!

[Keith & Linda]

A blonde is walking down by the river when she sees another blonde walking along the other bank, so she souts across " how do I get across to the other side?" the other blonde looks all around before shouting back " you are on the other side"!!!

 

Lost my "e"!!!! (I am grey)

Edited July 6, 2013 by Keith & Linda
senior moment

[Guest Guest75]

A bit of non pc..................

 

[Keith & Linda]

My wife said to me that I am always pushing her around and talking behind her back, I said what do you expect your in a wheelchair!!

 

We were in the pub last night and I said "I love you" she said is that you or the beer talking? I said "it's me talking to the beer"!!!!

[simon@sarah]

Elvis, my pet mouse has just died.....he was caught in a trap!

 

Apparently towels are the biggest cause of dry skin!

 

i buy all my guns from a guy called T Rex..he's a small arms dealer!

[Ktee]

Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are..

Husband: You should have known it the minute I asked you to marry me.

[Ktee]

My Husband And I Divorced Over Religious Differences.

He Thought He Was God, and I Didn't.

[Ktee]

Murphy the Roofer was working when suddenly he started shaking and feeling dizzy.

 

 

He calls down to Paddy the Hod-Carrier and says "I think I must go home, I've just come over all giddy and feel sick".

 

 

Paddy shouts up to Murphy on the roof "Have you got vertigo"?

 

 

Murphy replies, "No I only live round the corner".

[Ktee]

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way

[Ktee]

Paddy O'Murphy's wife gave birth to twins and he demanded to know who the other man was...

[Ktee]

Two blonde guys were working for the city works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole.

 

 

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.

 

 

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

 

 

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-man team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick."