One night, Mrs McMillen answers the door to see her husbands best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep.
"Hello Paddy, but where is my husband? He went with you to the beer factory"
Paddy shook his head. "Ah Mrs McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the beer factory, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness stout and drowned"
Mrs McMillen starts crying. "Oh don't tell me that, did he at least go quickly?"
Paddy shakes his head. "Not really - he got out 3 times to pee!"
An Irishman was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large mall's parking lot.
"Lord,"he prayed,"I can't stand this.If you open a space up for me,I swear I'll give up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday."
Suddenly, the clouds parted and the sun shone on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man said,"Never mind,I found one."
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
The only joke I've ever remembered - and to make it better (to me) it follows in the true DaDaist / Billy Boloski / Alexie Sayle tradition. My wife doesn't think its funny but I do.
Bethoven was so deaf he thought he was a painter.
John. Pete & Mick work on a building, john falls off the scaffold and dies, pete and mick toss a coin to see who goes to tell john's wife, Pete loses so off he goes to tell johns wife, an hour later he returns with a six pack of beer, mick asks where did you get the beers pete? Johns wife gave them to me he replies, how come asks mick, well says pete when she answered the door I said are you Johns widow? she said I am not a widow! so I said I'll bet you a six pack!!
As it's Yorkshire day (white rose rules ok!) a rose joke------------------------------ What is better than roses on your piano?--------------------
Tulips on your organ
Originally Posted by Keith
During the War of the Roses, in a village near the border of Lancashire and Yorkshire, the villagers hear the cry "One Yorkshire man is stronger than one hundred Lancashire men."
The village is on the Lancashire side of the border. Offended, the angry villagers run towards the voice of the arrogant Yorkshireman, but none return.
The next day, in a village further along the border the same cry is heard. The villagers ran out to try to find the offensive Yorkshireman making such a bold claim, but again, no one returns to the village.
The next day, in another village on the Lancashire side of the border, the same cry is heard. But before the men of this village set off running, they are stopped by a lone survivor of the previous episodes. He runs towards them shouting 'Stop! Don't go! It's a trap! There's TWO of them!"
Bloke’s missus deed. So, ‘e ‘ad funeral ti sort oot. Talkin’ ti t’undertecker, lewkin’ at ‘eadstoans an’ all.
“What inscription dis tha want?” asks undertecker.
“Oh, nowt special,” sez ‘e. “Costs too mich, tha knows. Just “Ere lies...”, an’ all.”
“Ah’ve gorra special this week – free extra inscription – summat from t’Bible, mebbe. It’ll cost tha nowt.”
“Nowt, eh? Well, reckon a can afford un, then.”
So, undertecker shows ‘im some examples, an’ ‘e decides on, “She was Thine.”
“Aye, that’s a good ‘un,” sez undertecker, an’ tells ‘im to come back next day ti see t’result.
This ‘e dis, an’ ‘e reads inscription. It sez, “Ere lies...”, an’ all, an’ ends, “She was Thin.”
“Ere, that’s neah good!” sez ‘e. “Tha’s missed out the E – learks tha!”
Undertecker looks, sees ‘is misteck. “Give us a couple ‘ours, an’ ah’ll sort it out fer thi,” sez ‘e.
Feller comes back later. Reads inscription: “Ere lies...”, an’ all... “Eee, she was Thin.”
Lancashire man, Londoner, Brummie and Yorkshire man are all in a private jet. Soon the aeroplane runs into difficulties and the four men all draw up an agreement that whoever died, each of the survivors would put £200 each into the dead man's coffin to help him on the way to the next world.
Sure enough, the Londoner dies and the Lancashire man, Brummie and Yorkshireman all agree to putting £200 into the Londoner's coffin. The Brummie puts in his £200 in £20 notes, the Lancashire man puts his £200 in £10 notes. They leave the Yorkshireman to put his money into the coffin - the Yorkshireman writes out a cheque for £600 and takes £400 change.