A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.
The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end.
"Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"
Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."
"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.
"How did you know I was at Asda?"
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Bloke walks into John Lewis and looks like a normal bloke in a big shop, a bit lost. One of those many assistants come up to him and asks if she can help.
“Urrm, yes, could you tell me where the womens’ department is please?”
“Certainly sir, it is on the first floor, the escalator is over there”
On reaching the first floor, the man stops again and looks equally quizzical. Another assistant comes over.
“Hello sir, can I help you?”
“Is this the women’s department?”
“Urr, yes sir, what is it you are a looking for?”
“ A Hoover!”
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Man goes to see a wizard and asks him to lift a curse that was put on him years ago. "Maybe," says the wizard, "if you can remember the exact words of the curse you believe you have, then I can reverse it and cure you."
"That's easy," says the man without hesitation. "I pronounce you man and wife."