Spliff..........

[Guest Guest75]

Three men are sitting in room smoking cannabis.

 

After a few spliffs they run out of gear. One of the men stands up and

says, 'Look, we've got loads more tobacco, I'll just nip into the

kitchen and make one of my specialty spliffs.'

 

Off he goes into the kitchen where he takes some of the spices from

the spice rack, grinds them up and rolls them into a spliff.

 

On his return he hands it to one of his smoking partners who lights it

and takes a long drag.

 

Within seconds he passes out.

 

Ten minutes go by, then an hour, and he's still out cold, so they

decide to take him to the hospital.

 

On arrival he is wheeled into intensive care.

 

The doctor returns to his friends and asks, 'So what was he doing then

– Cannabis.

 

'Well sort of', replies one of the guys, 'But we ran out of gear, so I

made a home-made spliff.'

 

'Oh' replies the doctor, 'so what did you put in it?' '

 

Um, a bit of cumin, some turmeric, garam masala and a couple of other

spices.' comes the answer.

 

The doctor sighs, 'Well that explains it. He'll be here for 3 weeks

before he wakes up.'

 

'Why, what's wrong with him?' asks one of the men.

 

The doctor replies, ‘He’s in a korma'….

[cormcvcr]

very funny!

[Guest Deb17]

Now that's started me off dreaming of curry again lol! Where do you get these gags from Tyke? x

[Guest Guest75]

Now that's started me off dreaming of curry again lol! Where do you get these gags from Tyke? x

 

 

They come from all over I can tell you.

Some come from an old Usenet text group that has been going since 19 0 blob.

 

I like that sort of humour - but a lot I am sent are not for public consumption I'm afraid.

 

Here's one to be going on with..................How true as well

 

THE ITALIAN MOTHER

 

 

 

A young Italian man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen

in love and that he is going to get married.

 

He says, 'Just for fun Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try

and guess which one I'm going to marry.'

 

 

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits

them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

 

He then says, 'Okay Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry.'

 

She immediately replies, 'The one on the right.'

 

'That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?'

 

The Italian mother replies, 'I don't like her.

 

[Guest Guest75]

Aww - go on then - this lot exercised my chuckle muscle.

 

The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in

Swindon, Wiltshire. These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

 

Q. Name the four seasons

A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

 

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to

drink

A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large

pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

 

Q. How is dew formed

A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

 

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans

A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water

tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon,

and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

 

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on

A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well

endowed

 

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections

A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

 

Q. What are steroids

A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

 

Q. What happens to your body as you age

A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

 

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty

A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

 

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes

A. Premature death

 

Q. What is artificial insemination

A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

 

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour

A. Keep it in the cow

 

Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised (eg the abdomen)

A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and

the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax

contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the

five bowels: A,E,I,O and U

 

Q. What is the fibula

A. A small lie

 

Q. What does 'varicose' mean

A. Nearby

 

Q. What is the most common form of birth control

A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

 

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'

A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

 

Q. What is a seizure

A. A Roman Emperor

 

Q. What is a terminal illness

A. When you are sick at the airport

 

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature

A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like

umbrellas

 

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its

meaning

A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face

 

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean

A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

 

Q. What is a turbine

A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

[Guest Deb17]

Ah, thanks for those Tyke...I needed a good belly laugh! x