Leaving family behind

[Guest Mark&Pamela]

How do you tell people you are going to live on the other side of the world? it is so hard, especially for a sole surviving parent in their 70's who have only ever lived in one place and can't understand why anyone wants to emigrate, and definitely will NEVER make the trip to visit. What do you do? put your own life on stop/hold waiting for them to pass-away (a horrible thing to say I know) ? whilst at the same time feel quite resentful of them for stopping you from getting on with your life.

 

Having to put up with horrible comments from my sole sibling, who is basically saying ''you go off and enjoy yourself, I will be the martyr here and be here for Mum''. Is it a jealousy thing? or am I missing something?

 

We have already had to return once due to family pressures, and have regretted it every day since .......... probably the worst thing we ever did, but 3 years of phone calls asking ''when are you coming home'' ''your brother can't have a holiday unless you come home'' ''your brother is depressed'' ''here is where your home is'' ''you can have your birthday/christmas card when you come home'' etc etc - was REALLY hard, and eventually we gave in. We so regret that now - it is even harder to try to leave the second time.

 

Sorry for the ramble .......... but feeling pretty stuck at the moment, any words of wisdom would help!

[Guest dglamoore]

As hard as it may be you must do what you feel is right in your heart for your family. And as awful as it sounds you cannot put your life on hold for the sake of others - your mother has lived her life and must let you now have yours.

 

I know my parents will probably never visit and as we have the only grandchild we know we have caused hurt but at the end of the day we knew if we did not go we would have resented it. If you wait for something to happen to your mum it may be too late for you.

 

If they love you they will understand - it will not be easy and will take a lot of time and patience but at the end of the day they should realise this will make you happy and so be encouraging you to make the most of your life.

 

Lisa:cool:

[Guest mOZzy]

hello mark and pamela!

i am sorry to hear that you are having difficulties with others letting you go - not an easy thing to do!

 

but still, i second what lisa said before and in the end the parents do have to let go of their child!

and if it's to the other end of the world.

 

just explain to them that you really tried to live your life here and make it work for all of you but you are not happy here! that alone should tell them everything!

 

i also have left my family 6yrs ago to come to the uk - true, it's not the other end of the world but only 2.5hrs on the plane - but still, they did give me a hard time though in the beginning - especially my mum who is rather sick and said she'd never be able to see me (she did come over 3 times in the 6yrs) - i have 4 siblings of who only 1 stays in regular contact with me; the others i might get a line via email for birthdays or xmas - so in the end: they all have their own lives to live and can't depend on someone else all the time anyways!

 

take your own life in your hand and go for it ... be happy!

[Guest Guzzler&Sas]

Hi guys

There is no easy way and all of us have a story to tell about families - the comments, the blackmail, the not letting go .....

Really good luck with it all - there are no pearls of wisdom coming from me because you have already been through this process.

My parents were dead set against this move, said they would never visit but as time went on, they have, and told us not to come back to live in the UK because the country has gone to pot (as we all know). My folks are in their 70s, my dad just had a double heart bypass when we left but we have been really lucky, they have made the trip and are already talking about the next one. But I know this is not the same for everyone and cannot imagine what it must be like for others.

You just have to think about what is right for you, and your family now - be selfish.

Here's hoping to see you this side - BTW aren't these sites for having a bit of a rant on ocassion?

Sas

x

[Guest Mark&Pamela]

Hi Guys -

 

Thank you so much for your kind replies; although it is nothing that we don't already think about, it is so nice to know that others have been in the same boat.... and guess that is the supportive thing about sites like this.

 

No easy answer, and feel awful at causing family to be upset and angry with us. Can imagine that if we do make the break again, then some members of the family will 'cut us off' - not easy to take.

 

Thanks again for your words of wisdom , appreciate it

[Guest sarahsmartiepants]

I could write for miles on this subject, but Lisa has said it all in a few paragraphs so well.

 

The only thing I think I can add is a saying I heard once and thought it was vey true, and sometimes in this sort of situation, very meaningful....

 

"Just because you create a child doesnt mean they are your possesion"

Or something like that! Cant remember the actual words:).

 

You must do what is right for you, not others.

Good luck, Sarah

[Guest Django]

No easy answer, and feel awful at causing family to be upset and angry with us. Can imagine that if we do make the break again, then some members of the family will 'cut us off' - not easy to take.

 

Just go and live your lives and do whats best for your immediate family. Have you got a current visa? If you hang around until your mother passes away(I know not the best way of putting it but you know what I mean) you may find you will be too old to get one. Then you will go though the rest of your life remembering your mother as the person who spoiled your life.

Sorry to be hard here but family ties may have to be cut. If they dis-own you and 'cut you off' so what? They are the ones being selfish and short sighted. I haven't seen or spoken to one of my sisters for about 10 years and I haven't migrated yet. Am I bothered? When we leave these shores next year it may be the last time we ever see our family and friends. They may visit, they may not. We may visit, we might not be able to afford to. This is one of the downsides to moving so far away.

Don't let them make you feel the bad person here. Its your life to lead not for them to order you about. If they throw their toys out of the pram its their problem not yours as you will be too far away to pick them up.

Don't feel guilty about leaving your mother behind. She has your brother and if he can't cope then how can he expect you to.

Be strong and think of yourself for once. You only get one chance in this life and so you gotta do what you have to do for you and your family.

[Guest Weez]

hey guys i really feel for you , we have all of our parents and a few of our grand parents still alive and very much kicking !!! but that doesn't stop the guilt and the feeling of 'daughter from hell' i get from my side !! it is not talked about at all and i have been told that there is no way we will be getting any visits, so the distance in my very close relationship i have with my parents is already opening up!! i haven't told them we have the visa and that we are validating at xmas but as soon as i have finished this i am going to email them ( it's the only way i can tell them about it as we are banned from talking about it ) i am absolutely pooping myself !! i would leave it till we go there for good but my uncle for Adelaide is coming to visit next month and no matter how tempting it is i don't want them to hear it from him!!

despite feeling crap about it i know it is the best decision i have ever made for my family and i wish i had made it sooner, i am doing this to give my boys a bit of a childhood that i had , now how can they argue with that??

live your life for yourself and not for others , it is YOUR life !!!!

good luck, now it's time for me to write THAT email !!

 

weez;)

[Hayshake]

I feel I must reply to this chain, as my wife & I are in the position of The Parents of the son who decided to up and go to Aus.

We have Australian friends, and their daughter came to stay with us in England to see the country. To cut a long story short, she fell in love with our son, and asked him to marry her, so he gave up an excellent job in the UK and went over to Australia.

My wife & I were distraught at the time, and I think our son also felt very guilty about what he was doing.

Probably for about 2 years things were strained between us, but we have all moved on.

We have managed to get to Aus for the wedding, and every year for a prolonged period since, so much so that our Australian daughter law asked us to consider emigration, so that they could look after us as we got older.

We had news that we had our VISA on a Wednesday, providing we sent the sizable sum needed to buy our visa, and on the Friday were informed by our son that their marriage was going through a very rocky time and that they were going through counselling. We then had to decide whether to cancel the whole visa process or push on regardless. (I should add that we also have a son & daughter in law in England).

We have made the decision that we will proceed to Australia, (the marriage now looks doomed) in order to support our son and our Grandchildren.

My wife has just got off the phone from our Aussie friends, (our daughter in laws parents) who were in tears at what their daughter was doing not only our son but also to their family, as it is the daughter who had somehow gone off the rails. They cant wait for us to get to Aus to also give them support as they have other problems beside their daughter.

My final thought, Life has its ups & downs throughout ones lifetime, and you never really know what the future holds. The one thing that is certain is to stay strong, keep a sense of humour, and try to understand the point of view of others.

Life does seem very hard at times!!!

[Guest Mark&Pamela]

Thanks to you all for your replies to my ramble ... it really does help to hear other people's stories and advice.

Where we are at now, is that my brother has said he doesn't want to know me, and told me to ''have a nice time, and that he will continue to be the 'looser' staying here'' . I worry that if anything happens to my Mum, he will not tell me about it - when we were in Aus/NZ previously, he didn't answer my emails or telephone calls for over 2 years.

So stressful ..... and I do recognise that I should be strong, but I hate upsetting people, and am very sensitive to other peoples feelings - not always a good thing I know.

 

Hayshake - thanks for sharing your story. Good for you to continue with your plans to go to Australia, I hope your son and his wife will sort things out; your support out there will help I am sure.

 

Weez - tell me ?????????? how did it go. I really do hope that your parents took it okay. I really felt for you when I read your email - that is exactly how it has been for me, the look on their faces when you so much as mention Australia, I get a nervous stomach every time I go to Mum's house, and have to summon all my courage to mention it. However, when I saw the hurt I felt I was causing, that look of sadness in her face - I no longer talk about it.

 

Django - thankyou for your guidance and strong words - very reasurring, wish I could be as strong as you,

 

and mOZzy - good sound advice, thanks

 

All in all guys - thanks, and good luck to those of you going through the same turmoil with families that we are.

So wish we could have a family that are pleased for us, support us, and wish us well - but guess that is not too be. Will have to resign myself to that.

 

 

Pamela

[Guest bigdamnhero]

Hi!

 

I am going through the same sort of dilemma when it comes to leaving my frinds and family. However, having given it serious thought and consideration, i return to the lifestyle and space Oz has to offer my two young boys. Their lifestyle will significantly improve if we go there. Here is taxation upon taxation, expensive living for little return, crap weather, and few options for independant living for the boys as they get old. Hell, even the pension will end up paying for otherpeople now. It is a hard fact of English living that we are forced to pay out so much, including childcare, whilst we work our butts off for what?

 

The more i think about it, the more i am convinced Oz is a viable and sensible option.

 

What it all boils down to for me, in the end, is my gut instinct and the care and consideration i have for my life now. Im sure if my kids were older, i would support anything they choose to do for themselves and their own too - even if i feel upset about it.

 

Trust in yourself my friend. It is YOUR life. After all, isnt the job of parents to enable their kids to live independantly and responsibly?!!!

 

Paul