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    Thread: should i stay or should i go?

    1. #1

      Unhappy should i stay or should i go?

      Hi everyone, this is my first post and i hope that i get some encouraging answers as i do really need them.
      ok then, here goes
      I live in North Yorkshire (Scarborough) and i love it here, mainly the countryside and typical english scenery. I have lived in England all my life and have never even been on a plane. My fear is that Adelaide or surrounding areas are not going to compare and that i will be disappointed. My girlfriend ( Nicola) is currently going through the process of emmigration to Adelaide and myself and our son (Henry) will go on her visa.
      I am, on one hand excited and looking forward to the adventure, however on the other hand i have to sell the house, rehome my dogs (which will hurt), leave my job, sell my bikes,cars etc etc.
      I dont want to break Nics heart as she is all for going over and starting a new life and i would love to support her in that, but there is something inside me making me have doubts. sorry for the negativety its all very confusing aaarrrrgggghhhhh...

    2. #2

      Senior Member
      Join Date
      Aug 2007
      not australia unfortunately
      179 times
      Hi and welcome.
      Do it, go. Adelaide is a fantastic place,everything you have here you will have there.
      Adelaide reminds me and my wife of Oxford by the sea.
      Your dogs will love it.
      JUst go....or let me go in your place :)
      draclee likes this.

    3. #3

      Join Date
      Jul 2010
      Here, not there.
      4890 times
      That's a great deal for you to have to get to grips with.

      Is your partner aware of your concerns and fears? And that you are upset about parting with your dogs? And that you have also never flown before or visited Australia to have an idea of what to expect?

      OK this is the practical me, the one who has already spent almost a decade living in countries other than the UK. The one who has seen both sides from all angles.

      I do believe a move overseas has to have everyone involved fully on board and committed. Otherwise, chances are it isn't going to work. I also feel that moving somewhere because its what your partner wants but isn't perhaps your dream, is not the basis to up sticks and call a city the other side of the world home.

      I've always lived in places I liked. Have been able to visit, spend time in, assess and research about. Moving to a place because its where your partner wants to be, or to a place you don't love (or at least like a great deal) doesn't usually make for a happy home in the long term. You need to both feel an affinity with where you choose to call home. Otherwise its not home. At least not in my book. Overseas is doubly more so in those respects. I spent almost a decade overseas and know how hard it can be to live somewhere you don't really love being.

      If you are going to sell your house, give up your job, part with your dogs (though you can take them with you and I would give serious consideration to this if you are going to be giving up everything else for this move) you are doing an afwul lot to help toward someone elses dream. But is it really yours also?

      I love Adelaide, what I know if it. I've not spent masses of time there but long enough to know it has its appeals to me and to have an idea of where I would want to live, why and so on. But I also have a good network of hubby's family there already to help our transition when I expat and hubby inpats back. Going without knowing a single person or street of a city is a huge leap and not one I would take lightly. Not if it means thousands of pounds of expense and selling my home.

      Have you at least discussed taking a holiday out there first? Checking out the city and spending a few weeks so you can get a feel for the place? See what appeals and what doesn't. It wasn't till my most recent visit I finally decided I could get used to everything being brown and not green as it is here. Although I do recall going out into the Adelaide hills in spring and it being very like England with lush grass, cattle grazing and huge trees dotting the landscape. But those trees were not oak or beech but eucalyptus. And once summer was in full force and 40C plus kicked in, by late summer, early autumn it was very much brown and dusty again.

      But Adelaide is beautiful. I love the parklands round the city, the CBD and the cafes lining the terraces. The wide streets and huge sky. The birds flying round never cease to amaze me. Bottlebrush trees I adore to see in bloom. Bob Neill even walked past us one evening once to my hubbys delight and I had finally seen a Uni legend (hubby plays Aussie rules).

      Excitement is good. But it isn't enough if you really don't know what you are going to be facing. I'd say go jump on a plane and spend a few weeks there and get a feel for it. Yorkshire it ain't. There is no comparison so I'd not even try to compare them. Accept Adelaide for itself, its own city and don't stand anything alongside it to stack up. Go meet it and see if you can fall for its charms. It has many. And then when you've done that have a good think about all the pros and cons and why you really want to move out there.
      BAZnDAF, sueoc, Cope and 3 others like this.

    4. #4

      Senior Member
      Join Date
      Apr 2007
      Seaford Meadows, Adelaide, AUSTRALIA woohoo
      264 times
      I would say there's no harm in giving it a go. Could you not rent out your house rather than selling it so that you have a safety net to fall back on?

      The country side is not like Yorkshire but is equally as beautiful in its own way, especially in the winter when itis all green.

      Does your girlfriend know how you feel? If not, talk to her about it, tell her your fears and concerns and you may be suprised, she may have the same feelings or suggest an alternative. Having a holiday here before hand would be the ideal solution but not always financially practical. Talk to her, look into renting your house. If you decided to make the move could you not bring the dogs?

      Hope that helps and good luck with whatever you decide.

    5. #5

      Senior Member
      Join Date
      Jun 2009
      842 times
      I agree with others, don't sell your home, rent it out and if you do come over bring your dogs with you. Look at it is a trial trip. I've travelled a lot and have to say Adelaide is happily my home but that's because of its memories and links to people I care about too. You have to both want to move. Talk to your partner, there are a lot of people who have thought that they have moved here permanently and have decided to move back, so no harm done if it works out that way. At least if you know it is a trial then you have still got your "home" to go back to and you can look at it is as an adventure. That's my thoughts for what it is worth. cheers Kris
      draclee likes this.

    6. #6

      Senior Member
      Join Date
      Jun 2008
      Pt Noarlunga
      436 times
      I am from North Yorkshire and know Scarborough and understand your fears as do many who have been through the process.
      All you can do is discuss your options. You don't have to sell everything you cna bring your bikes and cars too if that what you want.
      Rent your house out for 12mths just be on the safe side
      I think you can even put your dogs in long term boarding for 3 mths until you get just in case then you can ship them out once your settled.

      Try not to look at what you will be leaving behind more about what you will be gaining in to the move.

      If you can afford a reccie then go for that but if not even a short hop on a plane to france or somewhere cheap just so you know what going on a plane is like might take some of the "fear of unknown" out of it.
      My husband says thats why we get stressed is because of the fear of unknown.

      Good luck
      draclee likes this.
      Michelle, Phil, Nathan, and Libby. PR175 arrived Oct 2009

    7. #7

      Join Date
      Jan 2007
      422 times
      I went to teacher training college there many years ago. I luv it around there...especially the beaches and the countryside.
      In comparison..the beaches and countryside are about the same with the wow factor.
      The bonus is that the city is much better, cleaner,safer than Scarborough.
      draclee likes this.

    8. #8
      You are in a tricky position my friend. First and foremost you must discuss your feelings with your partner. Moving to the other side of the world is the most amazing and exhilarating experience, but it is also the most stressful thing we have ever done, for both us and our families we left behind in the UK. If your girlfriend is totally unaware of your feelings then could potentially end in disaster for you all. We learned really quickly that it is good to talk about your fears and worries and it really does make coming to an agreement that works for you all much easier.
      We are from Yorkshire, and yes the countryside and surroundings are without doubt some of the most beautiful settings, especially in the north where you are, but, there are many spectacular views and outlooks in our little corner of Australia. Adelaide is very different to most other big cities in Oz, the city centre reminds me a little bit of Leeds, and down in the south where we are in Aldinga, the views of the the hills over the ocean remind me very much of Whitby, just need Dracs castle!!
      I can't promise you that you will feel like home here as that is a very personal opinion, but Adelaide is a very family friendly city. It doesnt feel big or overpowering and the people are the friendliest we have ever met.
      If you decide to go for the move consider that you can bring your dogs with you, and even your car and bikes!! A 40" container will fit an awful lot of stuff in it and it costs about an extra 5000 for a car to be imported from UK to Aus and made road ready here. (Bear in mind that 2nd hand cars are ridiculously expensive here and if you have a decent car I would seriously consider doing this, wish we would have!!)
      Also, if you have big worries that Adelaide or indeed Australia won't live up to your expectations, then it might be worth booking a few cheap flights and popping over to see for yourself. Plenty of people do move here without ever visiting first, but if you have such big fears then it might just help to sort you out one way or the other. You must remember though that Australia is not England and it is very very different in all aspects of life, some great some not so great, (but in my opinion all better than the life we lived in the UK!) We get on the beach 9 months of the year in glorious sunshine not in thermal undies and wintry conditions, our winters last weeks not months and even then it rarely drops below 15c in the day. Family social lives are vastly improved due to the amount of friends you will make and the wonderful outdoor lifestyle that everyone leads. If you are a surfer, then there are some of the worlds best surfing beaches right here in SA, with good conditions all year round. You even get the added bonus of surfing with dolphins (and sharks :-S)

      All in all, what I am trying to say is that, Adelaide is a lovely place to live and fantastic for young families to grow and enjoy each other. There are ample opportunities here for you to follow whatever dreams you may aspire to and plenty of activities for you and your family to enjoy, but it isnt for everyone and you are well within your rights to have fears and worries about making such a massive move. You need to decide between yourselves whether or not moving here is the best thing to do for you all as a family unit before you go to all the expense and stress of arranging everything that needs doing. For us, it was the best yet hardest thing we have ever done. We face new issues every day, but we know that we have found our home here in Adelaide and would struggle having to go and live back in the UK now.
      I wish you all the very best of luck in your soul searching and family discusions, and truthfully, hope to see you here on the sunny side really soon! :-)
      Cope, jtct and draclee like this.

    9. #9

      Senior Member
      Join Date
      Oct 2007
      1017 times
      Quote Originally Posted by draclee View Post
      I live in North Yorkshire (Scarborough) and i love it here, mainly the countryside and typical english scenery. I have lived in England all my life and have never even been on a plane. My fear is that Adelaide or surrounding areas are not going to compare and that i will be disappointed...

      i have to sell the house, rehome my dogs (which will hurt), leave my job, sell my bikes,cars etc etc...

      I dont want to break Nics heart as she is all for going over and starting a new life and i would love to support her in that...
      I've cut out some of your words but the ones left suggest to me you're about to start living someone else's dream rather than your own. Very good of you to do this but is your girlfriend aware of your feelings? Sorry to sound harsh, but if you love it where you are, is she as willing to support your dream and stay in England?

      I'm not of the view that you don't lose anything by trying - you can lose a great deal - financially, wellbeing, relationships, job etc (you can also gain a great deal, no doubt aboout that, but it helps to be clear what it is you want to gain that you don't currently have). In short, what's your compelling reason to make the move? If it's to help your girlfriend live her dream, then you need to be sure that outweighs what you'd be giving up.

      We had a great life in England and simply fancied the adventure, but that was how we both felt. Had one of us not wanted to make the move, we'd have stayed where we were and been quite happy - there was no compelling reason for us to go unless we both wanted to.

      Adelaide has a lot going for it and we like it here, but then we could say the same about loads of places - many of them (gasp, shock, horror) in the UK.

      As others have said, why not holiday here first? Rent your property out and put the dogs somewhere temporarily until you decide what's best ... for you.

      Guest75, foxychick, jtct and 1 others like this.

    10. #10

      Senior Member
      Join Date
      Jul 2010
      148 times
      Everyone has given you great advice. A couple of thoughts I had while reading your post:

      First, get on a plane. If you can't get over to Australia for a reccie, I would suggest a hop over to Ireland, that way you get to experience all the security customs type things, as well as a plane trip that isn't too long. You also get to experience being in a english speaking environment that is nevertheless a slightly different culture.

      If you do decide to move over here, you might want to consider planning and booking a trip back home to visit friends and family within the first year (but give yourself a good few months to settle first). Knowing when you will be visiting home can be a great help in combatting feelings of homesickness and culture shock. That first trip back home will also usually remove the rose tinted/homesick glasses, and remind you that there are negatives as well as positives about your home country.

      The main condition I set when I agreed to come join my partner out here was that we would budget for an annual trip back to the UK. Having lived abroad before (albeit only a two hour plane trip away) I know that I would not cope going much longer than that without seeing my family and friends. I usually find that afer a 2-3 weeks I've had my fill of home and refuelled the travel batteries, and am ready to leave again for another year. Again, this is expensive, but if you budget for it, it's not such a rude shock when you go to book the tickets.

      Get your family and friends in the UK hooked up to skype before you leave, if they don't already have them, give them headsets/webcams for their birthdays/christmas so they have no excuses.

      But first and foremost, discuss your fears with your girlfriend. This is a huge upheaval, and you have to face it together, or it just won't work.
      draclee likes this.


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