Its still 'should we come or should we stay'

[Guest nicandchris]

Hi all

 

Im writing this because i need to just let out how sad i feel that yet again my OH is extremely doubtful about heading over and it may seem that we may be not be coming over afterall. He just cannot see the positives about selling up the house, leaving the job (that he hates, moans about and really doesnt want to be there until he's old and grey)

possibly leaving at least one of our dogs and having the stress of moving to a country that hes never been to.

 

If we had the money it would be great to a) rent out the house, but we wouldnt have the money to come b) come for a holiday but again we dont have that kind of money so that he could get a good idea about how life is out there. Im in agreement with him that life at least initially wouldnt be easy and yes we would have to find him a job, a house etc but i think that in the end it should be worth it.

 

I have read some posts recently about 'if they knew now what they knew then' they would have stayed in the UK, that house prices are rising, that unemployment is rising, food, bills but i cant really believe that its not 'better' than the uK with the new Goverment, house prices, bills and geneal life. Im also worried about life for our child growing up in this stressful environment with the gun culture, it scares me. My OH thinkgs that moving to another part of the country may help but i feel just basically depressed thinking of staying here, my job as a nurse isnt safe, whose is?

 

Despite having a job lined up i feel that im getter weaker in my argument for moving over but again feel very sad that 'our would be life' is never going to happen.

Any thoughts would be happily recieved

 

[Guest katsmajic]

Nic, it makes the whole upheaval so much harder if one isnt up for the adventure - heart to hearts needed. Oz isnt going anywhere, but at the same time it isnt going to get any easier if put it off.

Youre not planning on coming til next year, why not take a month off the oz planning and see how things go - im sure once the winter kicks in he'll be dreaming of the lush beaches over here....

Good luck with it all xxx

[tina&steve]

Ah it is hard and its normal to get cold feet, but why not read some of the other posts on here been a few 2 year updates might make you both feel better You will always get the people who moan 'why did we move here' Nothing wrong in that they tried it wasn't for them. Know its not for everyone but I wouldn't ever go back and we haven't had it easy.

 

No matter where you live there is always going be the cost of living going up or what if this or what if that. You both really need to think why you started all this in the 1st place and if it is going to be the right thing for you both. Just dont do something you might regrate. You are lucky you have a job to come too.

 

Goodluck xx

[Guest kangomik]

Why did you originally look at this adventure?

It's not Utopia, but nor is it a dung hole

[taffordbark]

I personaly completely understand how you feel,we went through exactly the same dilemas as you and your oh have and if everyone is honest,the upheaval is huge and emotional,you end up in a foreign country where you know no-one or where to get anything and it is very daunting.

If my mrs had said to me that she wanted to go home before christmas last year I would have beeen off like a shot, was homesick and bewildered to say the least.

However despite the initial worries about coming ,the homesickness( which comes and goes) and the finding our feet problems,I am now relieved to have been here for nearly 18 months,am certain that I have done the right thing and could never see myself going back to the iffy future we seemed to have had in england. Prices are relative to what you earn,some things are cheaper others more expensive,but on balance there is not much difference.One thing Australia is not,is england in the sun! Do it for your kids futures as we have done,as the man says,you only get one shot at thhis life,and to experience coming and living here is a once in a lifetime opportunity,wether it works out for you or not, you can hold your head up and say you did it.

[Guest guest3462]

Hi guys, when I posted that if we had known now what we had known 3 years ago we wouldn't have bothered, I didn't for one minute mean that we regretted moving here cos that is the one thing we know we have done right! Our problem has been getting the permenant visa as Australia don't recognise Richards medical qualifications and if we had known that 3 years ago we would have waited in the uk until rich was a consultant anaesthetist (then they DO recognise the same quals!!)

our children are much happier and healthier than they ever were in Wakefield as are rich and I.

We rented our uk house for the first 6 months and were pleased to sell it when we knew we were settled here. Guys you have such a difficult task ahead of you to decide whether to come here or not. It is a massive decision. I can tell you that our lives have improved so much in the almost 2 years we have been here despite all the ups and down that medical boards and immigration have sent our way. They sy what doesn't kill you makes you stronger eh?

I wish you all the best on your decision. Life in aus in no where close to Scarborough, but for us it's the best life we could have for our little family.

JC x

[Guest WhatNow?]

I think that the issue of a spouse or partner who is not convinced about migrating is one of those 'elephant in the room' issues that migrants don't generally like to talk about.

 

It might be interesting and helpful for you to hear from other couples on PIA who had to deal with lack of commitment from a spouse. I came over on my own and didn't have to deal with this but have many clients/friends who did. It is a long, stressful and uncomfortable process you are contemplating and if both are not fully onboard from the beginning then the stress isn't going to help and whether it finally works out for you or not, it will put a strain on your relationship. However many friends you make on PIA and through work, it is that relationship with your partner and kids that is the one that will largely determine how your experience turns out, as when things are not going well these are the folk you have to turn to for support 24/7.

 

Reflecting on the experience of our friends/clients over the last few years, I would say that dragging someone kicking and screaming across the world on the promise of a better life is maybe not the best way to make a success of migrating, although some have made it work. More, however, have either ended up with broken relationships or have returned to the UK sadder and wiser.

 

I don't mean to pour cold water on your dreams but I firmly believe that a strong relationship and a joint commitment to make it work are essential to your success. Maybe other members who have dealt with this issue personally would like to give you their views, possibly via Private Messages?

 

My heart goes out to you as I can understand how much pain this must be causing you. I hope that whatever happens you can finally make a decision you can both live with.

[Guest Guest75]

As said - you both really need to be strong and committed on the process of moving and settling here.

It's not easy,you will have crappy days............... but for a lot it is part of the process to get through and enjoy the other side.

Nothing comes for free.

 

You really should have a trip out if your OH is unconvinced, no matter that you might not be able to really afford it. If you did come out "unseen" and then returned just think how expensive that would be!!!!

 

A lot of folk don't settle for ages so it's a long process - some "ping pong" - go back then come back here.We have good friends who have done this and know of many others!

 

Have a look at this thread......

 

http://www.pomsinadelaide.com/forum/news-gossip/16040-all-who-have-settled-here.html

[Guest Sachertorte]

We really could not afford a reccie as a family- and coming to Australia was pretty much my idea. We decided that my husband would go alone for 2 1/2 weeks in Feb (as he was worried about the heat) to see what he thought of it. It was amazing to hear back from him how lovely it was and he talked as if we had already decided to go so.... that was so worth it for us. Its not financially impossible- if you forgo a holiday abroad for that year you can find the cash to have a spouse to go.

 

Just a thought

[Guest Chandan]

Growing up in Australia for the first 20 years of my life all I wanted to do after a holiday to the UK at age 12 was to return to the UK.

 

I made that move in 1998 with £100 in my pocket and a one way ticket and a job to go to.. after having a family we moved back to Adelaide in June this year, 12 years later.

 

My husband born and bred in London wasnt too pleased about coming and leaving his huge family behind. In fact, I gave him an ultimatium (not suggesting you do that!).

We made a deal and said we'll try it for 2 years and if worse comes to worse we'll move back to London.. they say the first 2 years will be hard on the old homesickness front , which I do get a little heavy hearted when i think of my life I had in London.

 

Our sons eczema has cleared up in the 13 weeks we have been here, we are getting along better as a couple, we still havent received our shipment -which has had its trying moments, we are living off of one modest wage and surviving without going without.

 

And living in a huge three bedroom home, in london we could only afford a one bed flat.. so the plus' are up . we Skype Chris' family every sunday so they can see the grandchildren..

I get sad sometimes and bow my head determined to get on and it all makes it worth while when the sun shines on your face and makes you stop and remember this is what life is all about.

my hubby took 3 weeks to find a job and away he went, and he is so shy so if he can do it (with no qualifactions, just a grafter) anyone can. the family life/ work balance is so much better here.

 

If you do come.. strongly recommend bringing your duvet.. they dont make them like the uk!!

 

Good luck and yes, it will be hard work, but you get out what you put in. And if hubby is worried about making friends, Chris has now more friends here than what he had in the UK.. It is a change.. but hopefully one for the better.

 

and if it doesnt work out , you can always go back.. UK wont shut its doors on you!

 

Good Luck !

[Guest Chandan]

my favourite quote: Regret the things you do do.. not the things you don't do

[Guest nicandchris]

Thanks everyone for your wonderful reponses and i do appreciate the time that each person puts into what they write on the thread in order to help. I asked my OH again 'what does he want to do then' and he hasnt ruled it out in fact he did say that if we were to come over then he wants to do this on via the sea (well on his own and id see him about a year later - how expensive would that be!).Its really up and down in how he feels i think and i do keep banging on about how less stressful Oz is (haha eventually by the sounds of it!), how lovely it is to feel the sun on your face, have a much bigger house (there is no way that id be able to get a morgage in the UK to help my OH but in Oz i could which would get us a much bigger house by far), i dont know the general feel of space and air, and basically knowing how i felt whilsts being in Oz ten years ago (and how i felt going back to the UK and the instant pressure of it all).

 

I read some of your responses yesterday to my OH and he seemed to think that we dont know how it was for people living in the UK in the first instance, that may be but i think its the same for everyone once they 'dont' live in the UK and i do understand that once youve tasted how life can be, its hard to want to go back.

 

Ill keep posting our path forward and hopefully well see you on the other side somethime next year,

phew i do hope so! xx

[Guest Django]

This is by far the bigest hurdle any family can face. Unless you are both committed from the outset then it'll be very hard to make it work. I have met a few families where one of the adults have come over for the sake of their wife/husband/partner and its gone horribly wrong every time.

However, don't think its all over. I have also met others that have entered into the adventure with an agreement to give it a trial for a certain period of time. After all as stated above the UK isnt going anywhere. Have a time limit and review after this time. Odds are in favour of it going something like this......

 

'Lets give it 3 years' ..................

 

5 years later................ 'Didn't we give ourselves a time scale and if it didn't work out for us return to the UK?'

 

'Are you mad woman? why would you want to move back there when we have all this???'

[Guest nicandchris]

Thanks! The problem being that wouldnt it be doubtful to be able to move back to the UK after selling up to move to Oz, with the house prices etc? My oH doesnt think that wed be able to afford to return.

Any thoughts?

[Guest Django]

Thanks! The problem being that wouldnt it be doubtful to be able to move back to the UK after selling up to move to Oz, with the house prices etc? My oH doesnt think that wed be able to afford to return.

Any thoughts?

 

Do what we and many others have done. Rent out your UK home. If it all goes pear shaped then you still have a house to go back to.

[Anne B]

Thanks! The problem being that wouldnt it be doubtful to be able to move back to the UK after selling up to move to Oz, with the house prices etc? My oH doesnt think that wed be able to afford to return.

Any thoughts?

 

 

House prices are just as high if not higher here in Australia. It has the most overpriced houses in the developed world (according to The Economist). Many Brits are now moving back to the UK and are much better off as prices are so high here and they have made money on their Australian property and £ is very weak.

[Guest nicandchris]

thanks again for this info. We would love to rent our house out but unfortunately we would need the money from the house salet to afford to go i.e. the money for a container, dogs, flights, rental etc etc we just dont have access money for a holiday to oz or rental beforehand.

[Guest kangomik]

Your right Anne, but you have to put that into a little context. Some returning have been here 5 + years and have done well on the housing boom by cashing in and going back and the exchange rate helps this.

 

What have they gone back to, and what they now have are difficult to measure because we don't know them or hear from them. They may have been able to buy a house out right in the UK, but what "if" they could not get work, or good paying work.

 

All the people i have spoken to back in blighty have all said we left at the right time and they wish they had the energy to do the same, which is nice but i am under no illusion that many many people suffer from homesickness or the sudden realisation that all those 300K homes you see on realeastate.com are actually out in the middle of whoop whoop. With the fact that you may need the best part of half a million dollars for a home in Adelaide. Or you could rent. Did i mention you still have to work! I am amazed at how many people in blighty think you spend all day down the beach

 

There are always options with this adventure, and research only helps these options.

 

To the OP, make sure you BOTH want it, it's going to be bloody hard if only one half does. Set a plan in place if you are going to come, give a reasonable amount of time for this plan to work. Please be aware that people change their mind once here, things happen that you may never expect, and be prepared to stick to your side of the bargain, you never know you just may want to go home and he may want to stay.......... Don't laff it happens.

[Guest worrall]

Hi

 

We are in the same situation my OH is not sure about the move, he does'nt want to give up his job or sell up and move without having a job, but I am still working on it.

 

Good luck

 

Lynne

[Guest jessica_svr]

YOU DEFINITELY NEED TO COME OUT TO AUSTRALIA AND TRY IT!!!!!

Heres the thing... If you came out and you didnt like it you can always go back to the UK, but with your OH turning more and more against the idea of even trying, then its got a chance to turn into something you'll regret not doing. I'm not married so I hope this doesnt come across badly, but if he isnt keen on coming, and you totally are, how does he get to decide?!

Wether the property prices are rising, and cost of living is higher or not.. life in australia is 1 MILLION times better than life in the UK!!!!!!

I definitely urge you to try and get your OH back on side... im sure neither of you would regret it!!! GOOD LUCK!!

[Guest nicandchris]

Again thanks everyone! The reason that my OH gets to choose it that its his house that wed be putting on the market! I have a fab job here and earn above £33,000 as a nurse but due to past credit issues im never going to be able to help him to buy a house here in the UK. We have a new son so will be needing a bigger house here but without my help in this curent climate we'd never be able to afford anything much bigger than we have. Whilst in Oz i have a job lined up on similar money even if my OH only got a part time job to help with our little one, from what i can gather (tell me if im wrong) we should be able to afford to buy something reasonable and much bigger in Adelaide.

 

Its the overall lifetstyle that i yearn for as i wish that i could somehow transplant into my OH's mind 'life outside of the UK' (hes never really been abroad) i know that in the end he's love it.

[Guest kangomik]

YOU DEFINITELY NEED TO COME OUT TO AUSTRALIA AND TRY IT!!!!!

Heres the thing... If you came out and you didnt like it you can always go back to the UK, but with your OH turning more and more against the idea of even trying, then its got a chance to turn into something you'll regret not doing. I'm not married so I hope this doesnt come across badly, but if he isnt keen on coming, and you totally are, how does he get to decide?!

Wether the property prices are rising, and cost of living is higher or not.. life in australia is 1 MILLION times better than life in the UK!!!!!!

I definitely urge you to try and get your OH back on side... im sure neither of you would regret it!!! GOOD LUCK!!

 

The joys of being single

[Guest SA Great]

YOU DEFINITELY NEED TO COME OUT TO AUSTRALIA AND TRY IT!!!!!

Heres the thing... If you came out and you didnt like it you can always go back to the UK, but with your OH turning more and more against the idea of even trying, then its got a chance to turn into something you'll regret not doing. I'm not married so I hope this doesnt come across badly, but if he isnt keen on coming, and you totally are, how does he get to decide?!

Wether the property prices are rising, and cost of living is higher or not.. life in australia is 1 MILLION times better than life in the UK!!!!!!

I definitely urge you to try and get your OH back on side... im sure neither of you would regret it!!! GOOD LUCK!!

 

A million times better? Hmm probably spoken by someone who hasn't moved here yet. I prefer it overall but there are better things about the UK than Australia as well. The music for one!!!!! A lot of things here are dearer and people who are close to their family (not me) will feel isolated once the novelty factor has worn off. As Diane said, if you are not both dedicated in giving it a go it could very well end in disaster.

[catherine.c]

We have been here just over 2 years now and love it. We are renting out our house in the UK and renting here. Not ideal but hey I dont lose any sleep over it.

When we talked about coming here we decided we would give it 2 years and if we did not like it then what would we have lost? Money, yes, but what an incredible adventure it could be! So we came, with virtually no money and bought things second hand - even had to rent a fridge (waste of money) as we could not afford to buy one!

I can hand on heart say that I have never yet missed England and even friends and family I have missed less than I thought (Skype is a godsend).

We save more money here than in the UK but confess I have no idea how! We travel and go out more than before. Grocery shopping is often more expensive, petrol half the UK price and electrical goods tend to be cheaper. Cars keep their price well and are expensive to buy second hand.

We have no intention of returning to the UK, who knows whether it would be the same for you but perhaps if you could both look at it as a less permanent prospect you may be able to approach it with some excitement and fun!

Best of luck to you both

Catherine

[Guest Django]

You both need to sit down with a pen and paper each and write a list of pros and cons of staying in the UK and moving to Australia. Then you should discuss every point made that isn't on both lists and decide whether it should be on a combined list. Once you have one list you should both be able to see whether your lives should be in the northern or southern hemisphere. Only you two can make the decission. I would return to the intial discussions that would have took place at the start of the visa process. What made you want to make the move in the first place? What would you expect to get out of living here? What future would your children have in the UK compared with that of one in Australia?

 

My advise is to be honest with each other. What fears do either of you have in staying or moving? It is a big step to take but with a job lined up and a visa in the bag I would argue that the hard work is done. One other thing to remember. There is a fantastic support network over here. Don't think you'll be doing it alone. People here are very helpful you just have to remember to ask. Some folk on this forum are second to none. They will meet you at the airport, happily show you around and even except you into their social circle.

 

Good luck and keep us updated.

 

Pete