Family kicking off

[Guest guest8040]

Well since getting our visa last week we've not had much luck, our 7 year old was not entirely convinced and now certain quarters of the family have gone utterly ballistic. They have known we were doing this from when the process began 16 months ago but have buried their heads in the sand and chosen not to discuss it or ask us anything about it til now and all hell has broken loose. We have no problem with them being upset about us going and we understand how hard it will be, but it's more than that saying we haven't thought it through, they'll never come out and visit etc etc has anyone else had this situation and how do you get through it with your sanity in tact? It's putting awful pressure on us and feels very selfish (as they've never once said 'I can see why we're doing it but...') and I feel we're being emotionally blackmailed. This forum has been so good to us I hope someone out there can help!

[Guest neeks]

its there way of dealing with it,

 

i am a only child and my dad died when i was 18,so i left my mum behind on her own,all through the process she didnt really want to talk about it etc,she would make little snide comments and digs and you could tell she was waiting for something to go wrong.

 

she knew we did it for the kids future as well as ours,the uk has nothing to offer etc.

 

we asked her to come with us but she flatly refused !!,she would say things like im 60 now and i have bad legs and im a smoker,i wouldnt be passed fit to fly so far etc,so you and the kids probably will never see me again etc.

 

we have been here 7 months now and i speak to her once a week,i have sent her photos of the beach,house,kids with koalas etc.

i didnt want to push her into coming to visit so said nothing,of her own back she booked a flight for herself for august to come out.i still get the odd dig about stuff but i think when she speaks to the girls and they tell her all about it she knows it was the right thing to do.

 

it sounds like they are trying to make you feel bad about going,but i can say if you didnt give it a year or so and they would turn it around saying just think what life would be like if you went to australia,does that make sense ?

 

also if the shoe was on the other foot,would they not go if you were like them ?,i doubt it

 

hope peace comes soon

[Guest ReadyPenny]

It's all a part of the process and most of us have been through it. Try not to worry the dust will settle eventually!

[Guest Guest75]

Yep,as ReadyPenny says. It's all part of the process. Once over this period they will be out to see you in no time - our family where!!!

[janice1uk]

My Mum has disowned me and the kids. My Dad has skyped us a couple of time but she leaves the room. I have emailed her photos but she replied back with dont bother sending anymore your no longer my family. It is hard but i have my life and she cant control it so its her loss as far as im concerned.!

[Guest neeks]

oh janice,

 

that sucks

[Misplaced]

We are lucky and don't have a problem with family.

 

However, when I read posts like this I always flip round and by this I mean - who is being actually selfish?

 

Also, and this might be just the way I was brought up but once I had flown the nest it was - you are on your own now and you make the decisions that are right for you and you family.

 

Not much help I know and I hope those that are giving you a hard time wake up and smell the roses.

 

Good luck

 

Mis

[Guest Sachertorte]

Oh Janice!

My thoughts are with you and all those subjected to this mean and selfish ordeal.

Don't expect people to be happy with you/for you as in their perspective you are leaving them behind so they feel devalued.

Sometimes people just refuse to understand that things in modern day Britain have changed and young families are getting a bad deal as a whole (unless of course, you live in the best areas of the country, which means you are doing well and can better things anyway with private schooling, frequent holidays etc)

For the older generations migration must feel like you are rejecting your upbringing and your roots. Some of those left behind feel you are making a statement directed to them and take it very personally.

 

There are loads of threads about the emotional rollercoaster and how various folk have dealt with it.

 

Personally I would just focus on your task of sorting yourselves out and if it looks like some sensibilities are being hurt, then I would get on quietly with my business and avoid contact. Sometimes I find that insisting on bringing on the topic and then not getting the desired reaction brings about more grief, which honestly you can avoid in such stressful time.

 

We didn't do any leaving dos, we went away quietly- I didn't even tell my colleagues until I put my notice in one month before we were due to leave!

 

Save your energy to enjoy your new life!

[trevorpayne]

Pretty much exactly the same I have not spoke to my dad for 4 months his decision not mine.

I new it would be hard but certainly get the impression they want us to fail and never seem happy to see us progress.

On the other hand i thought my wifes parents would cause the most hassle and initially probably did but have now come around and are here now visiting.

So far Australia and Adelaide has given us us all a great life and new opportunities, our daughters come on leaps and bounds on the social side.

Schooling is a lot more relaxed but she loves being there so not overly concerned.

It's not a stroll in the park you get out what you put in here but put it in and you will encounter and enjoy a great way of life.

I have no regrets on our move as it was best thing for all of us.

I wish things where different on the family front and in time I would hope things improve, but life's too short to for what ifs so grab it and enjoy it.

[guspjmh]

My Mum has disowned me and the kids. My Dad has skyped us a couple of time but she leaves the room. I have emailed her photos but she replied back with dont bother sending anymore your no longer my family. It is hard but i have my life and she cant control it so its her loss as far as im concerned.!

 

That is so hard to deal with, but if you don't mind me saying - your mum is being extremely selfish. As a parent surely your priority is what is the best thing for your kids, which for you was obviously emigrating.

 

I hope she learns to deal with it and stops being so unfair.

[Guest moonraker1959]

You may feel a little different about things when your parents are older.I did the reverse,moved back to the UK in my late 30's,yes with my kids,and my Mum is now 80 and in bad health(lives in Adelaide)and not a day goes by where I start thinking "Is this the last time we'll speak"or "I hope I get to see her a few more times before she dies"Ok look at it this way,how would you be feeling if for example your own kids announced one day when older,they were relocating back to the UK?Would you be smiling whilst waving them off at the airport?I doubt it.I actually have alot of empathy for those left behind,because when you have kids,you don't imagine for one second they'll end up living 10,000 miles away.For those of you who's parent/parents are acting grumpy or whatever about you moving,you're better off telling them you love them alot,and will miss them.I've always said,if my kids move back to Oz,then I'll be going too because the distance would kill me.Luckily I'm in a position to do that,most are'nt.Most parents/family would more than likely take a long time to accept your decision,its not just a big move for you,its also a big move for them.

Edited May 29, 2012 by moonraker1959

[Guest guest8040]

Lots of good points that make me feel better, thanks guys! Cant imaginr your situation janice and Trevor - awful.

I'm not taking away the apprehension about the distance etc but I believe if you love someone you give them freedom. I didn't have my children as an insurance policy for my old age and although they're little, and the thought of being without them is awful, I hope when the day comes that they decide what they want to do with their life I'll support them and wish them happiness and send them on their way with my love and blessing and break down if necessary in private! Having said that, all this drama is still very hard to deal with. I wonder how many people get this far in the process and actually don't go?

[Guest moonraker1959]

Easier said than done I think!No I did'nt have my kids as an insurance policy either,its just natural to miss people you love!I think it would be wrong to stay just because your family don't want you to go,my post was really trying to get to the point that a little bit of empathy for those left behind goes a long way.xx

[Guest guest8040]

Oh don't get me wrong we are empathic and totally expected them to be upset as we will be, just a little balance to their hurt in terms of empathy for us and our situation here that we have endured for too long and future for our kids would go a long way as well, that way everyone feels like their feelings are considered. To be honest we've just had one sided judgement, opinions, negativity and huge arguments. Consideration is a two way process. Wasn't having a go at you or your post btw and appreciate your counter arguments as its good to see it from all sides

[Guest Paula H]

Well since getting our visa last week we've not had much luck, our 7 year old was not entirely convinced and now certain quarters of the family have gone utterly ballistic. They have known we were doing this from when the process began 16 months ago but have buried their heads in the sand and chosen not to discuss it or ask us anything about it til now and all hell has broken loose. We have no problem with them being upset about us going and we understand how hard it will be, but it's more than that saying we haven't thought it through, they'll never come out and visit etc etc has anyone else had this situation and how do you get through it with your sanity in tact? It's putting awful pressure on us and feels very selfish (as they've never once said 'I can see why we're doing it but...') and I feel we're being emotionally blackmailed. This forum has been so good to us I hope someone out there can help!

 

Itll soon die down & they will either accept it, or they won't. Either way it won't stop you so try & be the bigger person and concentrate on your move and your kiddies happiness. You can't live your life for your parents hun. I am so close to my parents, they are devestated, but have not once said its the wrong thing to do & have even booked flights to come visit us lol, my OHs parents however have been the opposite: they don't talk about it, have said they won't come out & if it is spoken about in their presence, they say we will be back etc etc.

[Guest Django]

The easy answer is its your life. Yes you will upset people moving here. Some will feel they will never see you again. Some won't be able to understand why you would be doing such a thing (This country is good enough for me, etc). Others will seem hostile because at the end of the day they will be dead jealous. However what these people fail to realise is you have to make your own decissions in life that you feel are right for you and your family. There is no point in staying put to keep others happy while all the time you are dreaming of what your life could be like. Don't end up regretting the things you don't do.

That said the best way to appease them is to give them a time scale. Say for instance you will be making the move and will reassess your situation in x amount of years. So they will have that amount of time to have a cheap holiday in Oz before your possible return. They may well take you up on the offer and actually visit. If so then they will see what life is like out here and will see for themselves that you have made a smart move.

[lorluc]

My Mum has disowned me and the kids. My Dad has skyped us a couple of time but she leaves the room. I have emailed her photos but she replied back with dont bother sending anymore your no longer my family. It is hard but i have my life and she cant control it so its her loss as far as im concerned.!

 

 

Still waiting for my parents to call me...been nearly 6.5 years now!!! I used to phone them, but have given up now...occassionally i got the odd 1 or 2 line email, but thats it.

 

I used to send pics regularly but i got moaned out that it clogged up their emails (couldnt be bothered to get broadband, said their internet usage didnt warrant paying out for broadband) LOL. and trust me they are not poor!

 

Really cant be bothered anymore to be perfectly honest! Dont think i've had any contact now for couple of years?

 

Sad really when you think my kids are their only grandchildren...

[Diane]

My parents are so lovely and have been so wonderful about the move that I'd like to share them with you all. Although I sent my mum some pics of my daughter dressed for her recent formal and she printed it off and took it round to a random neighbour (who she hardly knows) to show them off, as her old friend who used to live next door but one has recently gone into a nursing home....I did find that really sad, I must admit...

 

Anyway, they're lovely and you are all welcome to share them!

[janice1uk]

My parents are so lovely and have been so wonderful about the move that I'd like to share them with you all. Although I sent my mum some pics of my daughter dressed for her recent formal and she printed it off and took it round to a random neighbour (who she hardly knows) to show them off, as her old friend who used to live next door but one has recently gone into a nursing home....I did find that really sad, I must admit...

 

Anyway, they're lovely and you are all welcome to share them!

Thankyou Diane they sound great.

[Guest guest8040]

I can't believe people can disown their children and grandchildren and not speak, life is just too short and none of us know what is round the corner, really feel for you both Janice and lorluc and advice about a timescale seems like a brilliant idea so thank you!

[jtct]

Sending you massive hugs Janice ((()))) - must be so hard for you. (and I'm old enough to be your Mum....)

 

Put you and your family first and try not to feel too guilty. Give her time, you may be surprised in a few years time! (or hopefully sooner)

[Guest Sachertorte]

Janice and Lorluc....More hugs (((())))

My sister has never got off her butt to see me even when I lived a 3 hour flight away for the 12 years I was in the UK. She made up her mind she was seeing me the week I was leaving to Australia... but I was so livid she chose the worst moment to come over that I told her she could stay where she was and that was that

[tracy holland 1]

My sister was very much the same buried her head from the minute we said we were applying 2 months before we were due to leave she said she wanted nothing to do with me or my children ever again and just hoped our new life was a miserable one. Well it certainly has it's ups and downs but we love Adelaide and are sure we have made the right decision. My sister is still trying to cause trouble by emailing my other sister who lives here and saying I have said horrid things about her and her family so now she longer speaks either although all is completely untrue!!!!!

In between all this my son returned to the UK to!!!! so if still want to be here it must be right x All I can say is sometimes you have to be selfish no matter how hard x

[Guest beckeithking]

How very sad, unfortunately being that selfish she has no idea what she is missing in your family. Keep talking to your dad and keep sending e-mails etc - you never know when she will come round, then you can hold your head up and say - I never stopped trying.

 

It can't be easy but I agree with many of the postee's - it is what is right for you, do what you need to do. Invite her to come and reject the place in person!!! - you never know!!

 

Good luck with all family issues - mine will be coming when the visa is through - then it might be me posting!!!

 

Bec x

My Mum has disowned me and the kids. My Dad has skyped us a couple of time but she leaves the room. I have emailed her photos but she replied back with dont bother sending anymore your no longer my family. It is hard but i have my life and she cant control it so its her loss as far as im concerned.!