Wanting to return after 10 years

[TheBritishAussie92]

On the 3rd of October I hit the milestone of 10 years in Australia. I moved here with my parents and brother when I was 14, that was in 2006.

 

I have spent this time living in the Adelaide Hills, Littlehampton, Balhannah and now Mt Barker. I had two short stints one living on Rundle Mall and the other for 3 months with my parents in Rockleigh.

 

My parents achieved their dream in 2010 of buying a hobby farm and started rescuing animals... they love their property and although my mum has thoughts of returning to the UK as she misses her sisters, neices and nephews efc she says she won't leave her animal. She has hated every single job she had worked in here though, all high power jobs but the pay is nothing compared to what she got in the UK, and my dad retired in 2011. My mum said to me if she knew how poor the pay was here, we would never have moved...

 

My two biggest issues are; 1) I fear leaving my parents as my dad nearly died in 2012 and is getting on now. 2) I married an Australian man in April 2015, he hates the cold, has never left Australia and has no interest in living in the UK, not even to try it for a year or two. And even if I can convince him to try it, here comes the third issue... 3) he doesn't qualify for a skilled visa.

 

I'm so torn, I don't know what to do. I have a large family back in the UK, I moved from Scotland out here and have family in Scotland, Yorkshire and London.

 

I want to go home, yes after 10 years, I still consider the UK home. I've only been able to return once for a month when I was 18. My parents lied to get my brother and I out here, promising they'd take us back every two years... I haven't been in the UK at the same time as my folks since the day we left in 2006. They have been back multiple times though.

 

Sorry but I needed somewhere to write this, some way to vent and hopefully, get some advice. Or hear from others in the same situation or similar.

 

I also have issues with my spine, and due to the largely private healthcare system here getting appropriate treatmwnt has been a nightmare. I complete my psychology degree next month and I just want to pack my bags and leave

 

Advice really appreciated!

[snifter]

Hello and welcome.

 

You are in rather a difficult situation. I don't know there is any easy solution and whatever you decide, its going to come with some big sacrifices to either yourself or your husband and family here.

 

You are possibly harbouring resentment and/or anger at your parents for the things you mention. The not having trips back to the UK, the being lied to (though I do wonder if this is the case like many find that once living here, the actual reality of being able to afford to go back and visit with the entire family isn't something that can be afforded) and other things. Do your parents know how you feel about it all and about your desire to return to the UK and live?

 

I think the big issue here is that your husband has no desire or intent to want to try life in the UK and is quite happy to remain here in Aus. Getting him a partner visa for the UK is possible but it would take a big chunk of money or you'd need to meet the financial requirement re employment to be able to sponsor him. Its a lot tougher to get a partner into the UK these days than it was.

 

Personally, if it were me and I really wanted to move back to the UK and there were no children to consider then I'd go. I don't see how the marriage could really have a chance if I really didn't want to be here and my husband really didn't want to move. Marriage and relationships are two way streets and if someone is truly unhappy and their partner doesn't want to budge even a little, I don't see much of a future in such a relationship. But that is me. It might not be you or how you feel.

 

Consider very carefully that should you remain in Aus and in future have children it could mean any chance or choice you had about where to live your life is out of your control. This is because permission would be needed from the father for you to remove the children from this country to move to the UK. So, should you have a baby and separate after the baby is born, you could not take the child out of the country to live elsewhere without his consent. So it could mean you are stuck in Aus for the long term. It does happen to couples sadly and all too often I read of one person stuck in a country they don't want to be in because they can't/won't leave their kids behind once their relationship ends or breaks down.

 

If you are going to make a move, to at least try it and see if it gives you the happiness you are searching for, to see if its that that is missing from your life, then you probably need to go and try it. Sooner rather than later. If that is on your own or with your husband, only you can decide that. Personally, I think you need to find out for yourself and your own well being if the UK is going to be the answer you are looking for. You could move back and find that its not what you had hoped and it isn't for you anymore. Keep in mind there is no way of knowing for definite till you go and live it and try it. Looking from afar here, the longing could be resolved if you move, it may be a big disappointment and you are not happy there either. I'm just trying to give you both side of the coin, though I'd hope it was the more positive side

 

Work wise, salaries have changed a great deal in 10 years between the UK and Aus, as has the exchange rate so I'd not really think about those things or base your situation on what was your mothers experience. I could tell you that financially, we are better off since moving here from the UK (fwiw I'm married to an Aussie who spent 8 years in the UK with me). We lived in a pricey part of the country where even combined salaries meant only a small house in a town outside of the city was possible and even that was a big expense compared to here as salaries there still don't match salaries here and housing wise, we had more options here with affordable areas and houses etc. But that is us. Others don't find that and struggle. As I said, everyones migration, going either way or to anywhere is going to be different.

 

So, keep this about you. Focus on what you have, what you want and what you are prepared to give up or compromise on or leave behind completely. Only you know how you feel about leaving your parents. If you really want to move back, you'll have to bite that one and learn to deal with it, toughen yourself up to it a little and take the plunge. You are 24 hours away on a plane sort of thing, same as any migrant moving between the UK and Aus and something anyone choosing to leave is most likely going to have to face. I know leaving my parents wasn't easy but it didn't come close to stopping me or spoiling my wanting to leave. I think migration as an adult requires a fair bit of selfishness in leaving behind loved ones and you returning to the UK is IMHO pretty much the same thing in reverse. You were a kid then, an adult now and migrating back to the UK and leaving them behind. I think any parent migrating with a teen is possibly prepared that child may not settle long term in the country they have moved to and needs to be prepared and accept their kids may not stay once they are adults. Heck, people could stay in the UK and find their kids move overseas in this day and age of global travel and work.

 

I think the UK, depending on where you settle and if you find a decent job and can afford to live etc is a lovely place to live. I was very happy there but am very happy here too. I was happy living elsewhere in the world also for the most part. I don't however have any big longing to be back there living but don't dismiss others that do want to return for whatever reason. I think if you've ben here 10 years you know deep down if its working for you or if you need to make changes. Hopefully if you return you have family you can stay with till you find your feet.

 

I'd go, find out if its what I was wanting, needing in my life and it it made me happy, I'd stay. But that is me. Only you can decide what it is you want. Whatever you decide, I hope you find what you are looking for