Pressure from back 'home'

[Beanbear]

:arghh:

 

Has anyone else been put under extreme pressure to move back by parents/in-laws? How do you justify this big move when it's at someone else's direct expense?

 

As fast as we move forward and settle and overcome obstacles this issue looms up (usually in a weekly phone call that we force ourselves to make). What is the solution? Will time really make all the difference?

 

God I hope so - she says as she downs a rather large glass of wine with OH in the background trying once again to smooth things over.

 

[Guest skellysgirl]

The last thing i would want is my children hanging around a place they dislike for my sake, i want them to fly, im lucky enough to have parents that brought me up that way and are proud that im embarking this adventure they even understand me taking their grandchildren away,

my OH different story, they think its a mistake, only because they want him in uk around them, but thats for themselves, not for his or our families good

You have to do whats best for the future not the past, and i suspect you have done the hardest bit already

[Guest moonraker1959]

Hi there!

I'm from Adelaide and moved to the UK 10 years ago.As yet I am undecided whether to return to Oz,but I do know the pressure you are under believe me lol My twin who lives in S.A wants me to desparately move back to Oz.If I email her and tell her we may stay here she then does'nt talk to me for weeks on end which I find very distressing.I have my 2 aussie kids here and grand daughter and its not an easy decision.I guess in time your in laws will get used to it but in the meantime try and stay positive about the move.Maybe if they ever visit they might feel better?

[Guest caoimhe]

We always thought we were lucky with our parents believing we were doing the right thing. But when the visa came through last week apparently mum-in-law started smoking again after 2 years and it looks like we are to blame.

We are doing what we think is right for our immediate family just like they did when bringing us up. I know it is hard and I can't imagine how I will feel if in years to come my boys want to move back here but I will always remember my mum (who is no longer with us) pushing me into moving to England when I was 19 to do the job of my dreams. I never could have went if she wasn't behind me and I know it broke her heart but she knew it was what I really wanted and so she supported me.

Hang in there and try and switch off during those calls or maybe consider telling them you don't need the pressure and if they continue you will not call as often

Good luck

[Guest cunnah10]

:arghh:

 

Has anyone else been put under extreme pressure to move back by parents/in-laws? How do you justify this big move when it's at someone else's direct expense?

 

As fast as we move forward and settle and overcome obstacles this issue looms up (usually in a weekly phone call that we force ourselves to make). What is the solution? Will time really make all the difference?

 

God I hope so - she says as she downs a rather large glass of wine with OH in the background trying once again to smooth things over.

 

Hey we are not even there yet but i can sympathize with you soooo much!I have backed out once before due to emotional blackmail from parents (and MIL)as a few of you know!Yes i am wobbly again but i'm hoping that this is just normal at this stage!My parents would not even allow me to mention the "A" word at one stage (Australia)!I was to blame for all their illnesses,ailments

depression (chest pains) the works and things become so stressful i couldn't take it any longer and i broke down one day and told my OH we had to pull out as i couldn't go through with it!He was "gobsmacked" to say the least and after a few weeks i pulled myself together and felt even more guilty on him and my 4 children so needeless to say we got back on track asap!

Of course your parents/family love you and they want you back in their lives because they miss you soooo much BUT it is for their own selfish reasons!They should be happy for you and support you as much as they can in this hard decision to relocate to the other side of the world!

MY parents only accepted this and realized where i was coming from when i wrote it all down in a heart to heart letter(may sound a bit daft but we weren't communicating without outbursts and tears so i had no other choice).

Things are a lot easier now and they have accepted our decision to go to OZ with their 4 beloved grandchildren!

 

I wish you the best of luck and if Adelaide is where you want to be then stay strong together (don't let other people grind you down until you fall out with each other - they would love that)

 

BY the way what is it like living in the Adelaide Hills (it always sounds so lovely)?

 

Gill

[Guest moonraker1959]

Hi I lived in the Adelaide Hills and yes its very beautiful.Will head back that way if I decide to return to Oz.Have lots of happy memories there and all my mates live there.lol

[Guest cunnah10]

Hi I lived in the Adelaide Hills and yes its very beautiful.Will head back that way if I decide to return to Oz.Have lots of happy memories there and all my mates live there.lol

Daft question maybe - but is it very rural and cut off in the "adelaide hills"?

Anything to be very wary of with 4 young kids?Is it too isolated to bring kids up or wil that depend how far into the hills you live?

How different can the weather (temps etc ) be compared to other suburbs?

 

I used to live on a small holding here in the UK with my parents until i left home and got married at the grand old age of 28!Loved every minute of it!Had horses,goats,chickens,ducks,dogs,rabbits all as pets and then all the wonderful wildlife to go with it!Nearest neighbour was a mile away!Never bothered us though we had a fantastic life and i would be in my element to get anything like that back again!Mu ultimate dream is to get my own horse again or just a cute small pony for the kids to enjoy!They are all animal mad just like me (but not my OH unfortunately - we are defo chalk and cheese but that's probably why we get on so well)He can have his boat and go fishing whenever he wants i've told him as long as i can have a bit of something i want!!!!

Sounds fair to me!!!

Will do some research on internet on these hills i think!!!

 

Gill

[Guest sarahsmartiepants]

Hang in there and try and switch off during those calls or maybe consider telling them you don't need the pressure and if they continue you will not call as often

Good luck

I would definatly take this approach, offer them a place to stay if they should like to visit,(this makes a lot of people feel better once they can see where you are). And say the phone calls will stop unless they brighten up a bit!

I eased back on phoning as it was always like pulling teeth having a convo, once Mum came for a visit she was fine, it has taken 2 yrs to have a "normal" convo with brother!

Mum was never putting pressure on but refused to talk about the "A" word. Brother said a few choice things to the kids but not to me!

sarah

[Guest Guest75]

Personally I'd just switch off - you are making this move for your childrens (and your) future.

Parents have had their day.

 

Bit harsh but true - it is for selfish reasons they want you to stay.

[Guest Guest75]

Daft question maybe - but is it very rural and cut off in the "adelaide hills"?

Anything to be very wary of with 4 young kids?Is it too isolated to bring kids up or wil that depend how far into the hills you live?

How different can the weather (temps etc ) be compared to other suburbs?

 

I used to live on a small holding here in the UK with my parents until i left home and got married at the grand old age of 28!Loved every minute of it!Had horses,goats,chickens,ducks,dogs,rabbits all as pets and then all the wonderful wildlife to go with it!Nearest neighbour was a mile away!Never bothered us though we had a fantastic life and i would be in my element to get anything like that back again!Mu ultimate dream is to get my own horse again or just a cute small pony for the kids to enjoy!They are all animal mad just like me (but not my OH unfortunately - we are defo chalk and cheese but that's probably why we get on so well)He can have his boat and go fishing whenever he wants i've told him as long as i can have a bit of something i want!!!!

Sounds fair to me!!!

Will do some research on internet on these hills i think!!!

 

Gill

 

The Adelaide Hills is a huge area - very beautiful with some lovely towns.

Most of the towns have fairly good transport links into the city so you would not be really isolated.

There are some great property's for sale with land.Smaller ones with a few acres tend to be called Hobby farms.There is a fair bit of "horsey property" as well.Often much more value is placed on the land than on the house .

Quite often the price does not go up according to the size of the land.It may be that the land is very hilly and suitable only for rough grazing.Prices are also held down by the fact that a lot of people just don't want the work attached with land.

Make sure if you by land that you have adequate water - whether it be a good chain of small dams for water catchment or even a water bore.

 

We live on the rural edge down here in Onkaparinga Hills.It's a great compromise - we have sea views but to the back it's rural.

We've had chickens and sheep.

The sheep just wanted to eat anything they were not supposed to - including neighbouring property's.The chickens attracted mice and in turn attracted snakes and in turn attracted a fox that ate the chickens - thought I'd leave it at that!!

 

So you and hubbie can have the compromise!!

[Beanbear]

Personally I'd just switch off - you are making this move for your childrens (and your) future.

Parents have had their day.

 

Bit harsh but true - it is for selfish reasons they want you to stay.

 

There is definitely an element of this - MIL who is the one who is so depressed - moved away from her routes in the NE of England as a young bride and was never around for her own mother. As some of you say, everyone has to do what's best for their own family and this is a great opportunity and our kids are thriving.

 

It's very hard to be threatened and told you have ruined someone's life etc etc, I know this may pass in time, but she was exceptionally close to our two children (saw them almost every weekend) and literally has no other family - very hard. My parents on the other hand are now looking forward to retiring so they can spend half the year here with us and have always been so supportive which keeps our spirits up.

 

The part of the Hills where we live is beautiful. It has a number of small towns, a great view of the sea and city and is awash with gum trees. Today we have a poor wet koala in our garden and we are constantly mesmorised by the amazingly rainbow coloured birds that dart by. It is certainly not cut off or isolated (quite suburban really) and has a good community feel.

[Guest salisbury massive]

Look try not to be too disheartened. Parents can be very good at emotional blackmail. My parents have always been very supportive with our move but they can afford to come here once a year for weeks on end, so I guess its a bit different for them.

 

The in-laws a completetly different matter. They used all sorts of blackmail to get us to stay, were delighted when I was pregnant with Hayley, when i told them I was pregnant the first thing she said was, "great, you'll not be going to Australia now then". She told me I was solely responsible for her only son and granddaughters leaving them for the other side of the world, and when I pointed out her daughter was pregnant & could have a girl and also said she had a step grandaughter with one of her other daughters, I got back, Jodie didn't count as she wasn't proper family and the baby might be a boy. The other sister wouldn't talk about it at all and when we moved refused to talk on the phone or webcam because it upset her too much. When I finally blew my stack and pointed out they had moved from London to Dorset in the 60's because they wanted a better life she said it wasn't the same!!!!! We also got told to move to France instead if we wanted to move so they could visit for long weekends.

 

Its been a long and difficult road but things calmed down when they came to visit after we had been here about 2 years. She finally saw our life and house etc. Even went so far as to say she could see why we did it.

 

so keep plugging away and eventually they will get the picture, if you love it here and think its right for you as a family, stick to your guns.

 

Jo

[Guest Libby1971]

I do feel for you all.

 

My dad said that once you have children, you make the best decisions that you can at the time but always with their interests at heart. Your interests have to come second place to theirs. Now at times I thought he was a lunatic, especially when what I wanted was a night's sleep and the kids thought they should bounce all over the bed. But to some extent he is and was right.

 

My friend has all sorts of aggravation through her mum and dad. Largely because she is the only child still speaking to them both. One sister won't speak to the mum and the other won't speak to the dad. So she feels pressured into going on hols with her parents for 'family' holidays when all she wants is a family holiday for the family she has made.

 

My sister and aunt cried down the phone every time I rang them or they phoned when I first got here. When I spoke to them on Skype, there were tears streaming down their faces (Oh we do miss you etc etc). In the end I did as others have said and told them that while they were living half an hour away from each other, this was a tiny bit unfair to us. I told them I would leave them for a while until we were more settled and left them for 3 weeks, tried calling, and at the first hint of a tremble in the voice, I said got to go now as this is clearly distressing you. AMAZING how quickly they managed to stay positive to keep us on the phone.

 

However, I would not have left my dad. His health was so poor, I knew that he would never be able to come to see me, and I also knew that when the end came, I would not be able to get back in time. I spent the last few months with him asking all sorts of questions about where we were going to live, etc. He'd have loved this.

 

I am firmly of the opinion that you make your choices as best you can, whenever that may be. I also believe that my parents, just as yours, made the decisions they thought best at the time. You may not agree with theirs, and they don't have to agree with yours but well, that's families, isn't it?

 

Libby