Family.......

[samandcraig]

I was just wondering if anyone has had a similar story to me!

My mother in law is absolutely devastated that we are going to

australia, I know this is perfectly normal, her sons moving to

the other side if the world, along with her grandchildren.

But we live an hour and a half away from her now and she never

visits us!I can count on one hand how many times she's travelled

up to see us in 10 years, my inlaws have a brand new car and are

both retired so have all the time in the world. Therefore I dont

understand her reacting so strongly! My family are extremely close

to us and are always there for us and our children and although

i know they are extremly upset, they are also very happy for us

and know that our life will be so much better!! It just makes me

frustrated as I want to say to her that she doesn't bother with us

or the kids anyway, we have to call her and remind her of

birthdays and anniversarys, they never call to ask about the kids,

infact they only seem to call when they want something! Harsh but

true! I bite my tongue as my husband (and he's right) doesn't want

to leave on an argument! But I just feel so frustrated!!!

(And breathe) ha ha......sorry for going on, I was just wondering if

anyone has had to put up with similar situations!

[snifter]

Hey :)I quite often read of this sort of reaction on our sister site, by PIO members, about family who don't have much of an active role and then become really upset or angry. I think it is pretty normal and often can be tricky ground to negotiate. I'd go with saying nothing and just carrying on. Its not worth the argument or upset it may cause. Whatever their reasoning or thinking, I doubt they are going to change their way of thinking and the guilt trip will continue. Focus on the postives, spend time with the family that do want to be involved, enjoy your time left in the UK.

[samandcraig]

Hey :)I quite often read of this sort of reaction on our sister site, by PIO members, about family who don't have much of an active role and then become really upset or angry. I think it is pretty normal and often can be tricky ground to negotiate. I'd go with saying nothing and just carrying on. Its not worth the argument or upset it may cause. Whatever their reasoning or thinking, I doubt they are going to change their way of thinking and the guilt trip will continue. Focus on the postives, spend time with the family that do want to be involved, enjoy your time left in the UK.

 

Thanks snifter, I suppose this is what I had planned to do, but I suppose I just wanted to air my thoughts. I think she has maybe realised that she hasn't been there and is probably upset because of that? I just wish she could give some congratulations to my husband because he needs it right now. It's always my family that praise us and help us out and I do think it does affect him and I end up feeling bad for him! We have booked our flights on the same day as their wedding anniversary and she said how could you!! It was a complete accident! But I don't understand why she feels this is such a big deal as its not as though we did anything for it! Maybe I'm not seeing why it's such a big deal to her. If it was her birthday or something like that I would maybe understand! Sorry for going on!!

[wozzie2202]

Hi Sam. I can relate..we've always lived away from our parents and in-laws. Thankfully we've not faced quite as much resistance, although I think until we had our visas come through MIL was always in denial, thinking it would never happen. I recall years ago her saying to me that she expected her sons to look after her in her old age....which caused a bit of debate as we've always moved around with the Army. As it is now, time has made her realise that her children have their own lives to lead and she knows we don't want to stay in UK both for our sake and that of our children. Parents can be very good at emotional blackmail but the way I see it is they have had every opportunity to live their lives how they wanted to and now we are making decisions for our own family. My own mum passed away in July after a battle with cancer, but during this she always maintained that what we were planning to do was the best for us and her only regret was not being able to come to visit us. Yes, leaving will be hard, but I for one could not stay living with the regret of "what if"..Life is way to short and you only get one shot at it...not everyone sees it like that though. Maybe if your other half could sit down and explain the reasons for wanting to go on such an adventure, but I realise that some people just don't want to listen. It's true that we often take for granted what we have so close to us and you never know what you've got till it's gone. Things will work out in the end. x

 

Sarah

[Lazy Cow]

I just feel so frustrated!!!

!

 

I don't know what is motivating your in-laws, but I totally get your frustration!

 

My in-laws were the same as yours sound. After a few minutes of the novelty of the birth of their first grandchild had worn off, that was it. The kids (we have two) sometimes received Christmas and birthday cards, but rarely any attention....until we announced our intent to emigrate.....

 

The kids then became an emotional tool. Suddenly their-laws told us how much they'd miss the kids, their son; how we'd have an awful time here, how so many of their friends' kids had returned, yards yada ra ra ra ad infinitum.

 

Did anything change in the relationship they had with our kids? Nope. We did all the right things, tried to spend more time with them, we even visited them the day before we left, but it changed nothing.

 

Since we've been here, they have phoned simply to reinforce how we aren't going to make it here. The children have gone through primary school, high school, university, teenage years, 2 x 18th, even a 21st all without any interest or interaction on the part of their grandparents.

 

Am I bitter? No, it's their loss. We played the game up until a couple of years ago when we really gave up. So, do what you think is best for you, your husband and kids. The people who matter will support you, and you only have to grin and bear it for a bit longer!

 

Good luck

 

LC

[samandcraig]

Hi Sam. I can relate..we've always lived away from our parents and in-laws. Thankfully we've not faced quite as much resistance, although I think until we had our visas come through MIL was always in denial, thinking it would never happen. I recall years ago her saying to me that she expected her sons to look after her in her old age....which caused a bit of debate as we've always moved around with the Army. As it is now, time has made her realise that her children have their own lives to lead and she knows we don't want to stay in UK both for our sake and that of our children. Parents can be very good at emotional blackmail but the way I see it is they have had every opportunity to live their lives how they wanted to and now we are making decisions for our own family. My own mum passed away in July after a battle with cancer, but during this she always maintained that what we were planning to do was the best for us and her only regret was not being able to come to visit us. Yes, leaving will be hard, but I for one could not stay living with the regret of "what if"..Life is way to short and you only get one shot at it...not everyone sees it like that though. Maybe if your other half could sit down and explain the reasons for wanting to go on such an adventure, but I realise that some people just don't want to listen. It's true that we often take for granted what we have so close to us and you never know what you've got till it's gone. Things will work out in the end. x

 

Sarah

 

Hi Sarah, firstly I just wanted to say so sorry for your loss, I also lost my father in July this year, he passed of a heart attack on his birthday, so completely understand where your coming from when you say life is too short, it anything would make you feel like that it's got to be losing someone you love so much! My dad lived in Sierra leone and seen my children more than the in laws, so having my dad taken I suppose have magnified how I feel.

I just find it so hard to believe how any mother couldn't be happy for their child doing something they have always dreamed of! They are very selfish people, my mother in law had said to my husbands sister that she was going to ask us to delay going so my husband could do some work on her house!! She's unbelievable, but knowing I'm not alone makes me realise it isn't just me!! Families are hard work at times!! I see you are going in April, we go in March, do you know where you are planning to settle?

Sam x

[samandcraig]

I don't know what is motivating your in-laws, but I totally get your frustration!

 

My in-laws were the same as yours sound. After a few minutes of the novelty of the birth of their first grandchild had worn off, that was it. The kids (we have two) sometimes received Christmas and birthday cards, but rarely any attention....until we announced our intent to emigrate.....

 

The kids then became an emotional tool. Suddenly their-laws told us how much they'd miss the kids, their son; how we'd have an awful time here, how so many of their friends' kids had returned, yards yada ra ra ra ad infinitum.

 

Did anything change in the relationship they had with our kids? Nope. We did all the right things, tried to spend more time with them, we even visited them the day before we left, but it changed nothing.

 

Since we've been here, they have phoned simply to reinforce how we aren't going to make it here. The children have gone through primary school, high school, university, teenage years, 2 x 18th, even a 21st all without any interest or interaction on the part of their grandparents.

 

Am I bitter? No, it's their loss. We played the game up until a couple of years ago when we really gave up. So, do what you think is best for you, your husband and kids. The people who matter will support you, and you only have to grin and bear it for a bit longer!

 

Good luck

 

LC

 

Hey LC,

your story sounds very similar to ours, we have been visiting them more often and I think it's because they are making us feel so guilty, I must admit it's more the mother in law than the father in law.

It sounds awful how negative they have acted towards your move!! They want you to fail! I don't know how anyone could act this way, especially to your own family, I find it so hard to believe. How can they not just want the best for loved ones??

Thankyou for your advice, I so relate to your situation as well, your right in saying it's their loss......and the sad thing is I think it's only now they are realising this!!

Sam xx