Feeling sort of trapped and confused

[Guest 2112030]

Hi there,

 

I've not used this website really since I moved here in 2008. Since then I would have said I have really enjoyed life here. I love the lifestyle and the country and have met wonderful people and in general just made a good life for myself. I met my now husband soon after arriving and married him in 2012. He's aussie and in June this year we had a baby.

 

I think even before having our baby I struggled with grief about leaving my family in england (my mum, dad and sister). But since having our boy my mum came for a visit and now I'm feeling broken hearted not to be nearer to my family, both for my own sake and my son's.

 

Each time I've seen family since moving here I have felt a bit this way, so it may pass again this time. But in the meantime I find myself really thinking seriously for the first time about returning. I would miss the life I have here very much and I dread the thought of all that would be involved in going. But the trickiest bit is I don't know that my husband would like it there. he's very Aussie. I don't know how to explain it but he is just at his best in the hot weather with a relaxing pace of life- I just can't see how the uk could work for him. And I'd be terrified if we went back that I'd love it and want to stay, and he'd hate it and be desperate to return here. How on earth do people manage that? Hard enough before our baby but now so much more complicated.

 

I'd love to know if there's anyone else out there who'd possibly want to return but who has partners who may not for whatever reason. Thanks for reading, think I needed to get it out there :-/

[snifter]

Its a tricky one and there is no easy solution.

 

Being married to someone who is from a different country always presents challenges along the way. I know, I've been with my hubby 11 years and 8 of those were spent with him living in the UK with me. Now we are here in his home town Adelaide.

 

First and foremost, you've not long had a baby (congratulations btw : ) . That is a huge emotional time for any first time Mum. So don't beat yourself up about how you are feeling right now. Its early days and hormones and all the things that come along with a baby can play their part in distorting how you feel or magnifying it. I'd say talk to your hubby about things, let him know whats going on in your head. I do think its perfectly natural that a woman craves being near her family when she has a baby, perhaps more so with the first. I've said before, in laws don't quite cut it. Of course, for some they have no choice and have to manage or cope without them close by. But how you feel is something many women express if living away from their home country.

 

I also think being in this type of 'mixed' marriage (not sure what else to call it) it really is about compromise, give and take and for both parties to be open to possibly living in their partners homeland for a while at some point. I guess when you met your hubby you perhaps didn't realise how it would affect you further down the road and neither did he. He thought you were happy and settled in life here and he himself may have no real interest in living in the UK and probably thought you were here and settled. Did you ever talk about it being a possibility?

 

No move has to be forever or long term. My hubby and I lived in the UK together before we got married and before our child was born. But we always talked about a move to Aus at some point, even before I got pregnant as we felt for us we had to be prepared to live in either places as our lives, needs and wants changed. Once our son was born it also added in that he could get to know the Aus side of the family, his heritage and so on. We remained in the UK for his early years and once he began school we put the wheels in motion to head to Aus and here we are. I think we got the timing right and its allowed him to develop a bond with the UK family and now build one with the Aus side. I doubt we'll move to the UK again while his schooling is ongoing but we do plan to spend 6 months to a year in Europe and the UK at some point in a few years. More to show him the world and because we ourselves want to do it. If you had asked me before I met my husband if I wanted to live in Aus, I'd have said no, no interest whatsoever. Hubby the same about England. But his experience of living in England for 8 years was positive and he loved it. Was happy, built a good life, work and so on for himself and for us. He didn't get homesick or hanker to live back here at any point really. And me here, so far its all good. I am happy, son is happy and while there are some things about it here that I don't love and while its not my first choice of country to live in its good and I am fine being here. Its my turn to make the compromise, although it has never really felt like that at all to either of us. I think we are lucky in that respect.

 

I guess what I am trying to explain is that there are ways of making it work but it can take some effort and compromise on both sides.

 

A couple of things to be aware of in practical and visa terms if you wish to explore a move to the UK. A partner visa for the UK is hard to gain. There are set financial requirements and so on and it is making it nigh on impossible for many Brits with spouses from elsewhere to move to the UK. Your son would hold UK citizenship (by descent) I would figure. So its a partner visa only https://www.gov.uk/remain-in-uk-family/overview .

 

Feel free to drop me a PM if you want to chat more about stuff

[kadina]

Pmd you

[Fotherespie]

Hi Kadina,

 

I'm sorry to read that you feel like this - it sounds like a tough time. We do not have a 'mixed' marriage but we did live away from all family in the UK when our little boy came along and we struggled with this. I'd also say, you've just had a little one and this can mean the ground is shaking for all kinds of reasons ( big hormone, change of roles, the list is huge...) I had some challenges with this in the UK. I just wanted to let you know that if you ever fancy a brew and to chat things through let me know. My little one is now 3 and a half but he loves babies! Hang on in there, Paula

[kadina]

Hi Paula

 

Just saying this has been directed at me not 2112030 that made the comment xx

 

Hi Kadina,

 

I'm sorry to read that you feel like this - it sounds like a tough time. We do not have a 'mixed' marriage but we did live away from all family in the UK when our little boy came along and we struggled with this. I'd also say, you've just had a little one and this can mean the ground is shaking for all kinds of reasons ( big hormone, change of roles, the list is huge...) I had some challenges with this in the UK. I just wanted to let you know that if you ever fancy a brew and to chat things through let me know. My little one is now 3 and a half but he loves babies! Hang on in there, Paula

[Fotherespie]

Ah sorry - the baby brain hasnt gone away!!

[Guest 2112030]

Sorry for my slow reply- I think the emotional wave subsided a bit and I haven't been back on here really since my last post. I have kept thinking about the uk more than I was before but now find I'm thinking more about the drawbacks of life there as well as the perks and I feel less desperate to leave here again! I think for me, now that I like a different country to the one I started in it will never be easy again deciding where to be! But for now I'm just getting on with life here and trying to be more conscious of all the things that I love about it (and there are many- family and long standing friendships are the 'only' things I miss. Will perhaps have to work on improving our income so we can visit uk more often lol

[The Monaghans]

As one who "ping pong'd" back to the UK, I think maybe I can relate to this better than some. We returned to the UK in 2010 after three years in Adelaide. Please feel free to read my posts from that time. We returned because we (ok - my husband) missed family desperately and thought it was in our children's best interests to live where they could see grandparents, aunts, uncles and assorted cousins on a daily basis. It was a lovely idea but the reality was so very different. We had neglected the fact that the cousins are a fair few years older than our children and only had a limited interest in them. Whilst our parents were delighted to see us again, the rest of the family made little or no effort to make contact with us, nor did the most of the "friends" we left behind They weren't being unkind - they'd just moved on. School was a nightmare for our daughter who was shunned at every turn. We felt isolated, angry and helpless - I can honestly say it was the unhappiest time of my life. We returned to Australia - home - about eight weeks after we'd left

.

I know many people leave here without a second glance and are perfectly happy back in the UK but I also know considerably more people who head back to Australia with the same feelings as us - "What the hell were we thinking????" Only you will know if you can live here happily or not, only your husband will know if he could live there happily or not but I urge you to have a longish holiday in the UK first if you can to see how you feel about the place. The picture we paint in our heads is often completely different to the reality.

 

Just my opinion of course...

[Guest Spitfire]

A good thread. I consider going back from time to time, and we are determined to go back so the kids can see more of the family, but the way we are approaching it is to think of it as a temporary adventure back in the UK. We will keep our property here in SA so when we return we have a base straight away. I think two or three years there would be optimum - enough time to get the whole "going home" thing out of our systems without sacrificing what we have built here. The issues for us are basically I refuse the situation where my kids will never know their grandparents, but at the same time I know Australia offers a better standard of living, so this is what I have to balance. The Expat's Curse.

[zebedee]

A good thread. I consider going back from time to time, and we are determined to go back so the kids can see more of the family, but the way we are approaching it is to think of it as a temporary adventure back in the UK. We will keep our property here in SA so when we return we have a base straight away. I think two or three years there would be optimum - enough time to get the whole "going home" thing out of our systems without sacrificing what we have built here. The issues for us are basically I refuse the situation where my kids will never know their grandparents, but at the same time I know Australia offers a better standard of living, so this is what I have to balance. The Expat's Curse.

 

Well said - been here just over two years now and it's very definitely home now, but just had my mum out and saying goodbye to her (again) last Friday was utterly horrid. You just get settled and then something happens to remind you of the distance you are away from family. You can't really make sense of it. We also have our first wedding in the family coming up that we are probably going to miss. Like you say, the expat's curse.

[Guest Spitfire]

Well said - been here just over two years now and it's very definitely home now, but just had my mum out and saying goodbye to her (again) last Friday was utterly horrid. You just get settled and then something happens to remind you of the distance you are away from family. You can't really make sense of it. We also have our first wedding in the family coming up that we are probably going to miss. Like you say, the expat's curse.

 

Yup - home is magnetic and being an expat is like balancing on a tripwire.