Struggling to find reliable friends

[Guest Sachertorte]

Hi- I occasionally bob my head into the site- and sometimes feel I need to post about a "down" day but have refrained so far....as there are guys with bigger problems who need work etc

However. One realization is now really bugging me..! So here it is.

I thought I was making friends and doing ok in rebuilding my life socially here in Adelaide... Until I realised that -in fact- I have no friends that can be called such

I met several parents through school but it was only this week that the pattern emerged.... they are all unreliable or trying to make money out of you.

They forget dates agreed for get togethers, cancel continuosly at the last minute, and/or forget to tell you they can no longer come when it's genuine!!!!

The only invites I have received turned out to be party plan things like Tupperware etc I find lots of mums selling stuff like candles, intimo, Avon etc are always talking about their wares!

I am helping at school volunteerng 5 hours a week and have been just taken for granted.

Is it just me experiencing this? I am feeling now as if I am living in a vacuum.... Another friend of mine who is an expat (not a British speaking person) has had very similar experiences too

[snifter]

Sorry to hear about this. Although I know it can happen anywhere, no just there. I've found similar since we relocated within the UK last year. Its been very frustrating and I've felt very lonely and passed over on more than one occasion.

 

Can't speak for there but I know from experiences of living elsewhere overseas and within the UK us that it is often hard to make friends via kids connections (ie schools and playgroups). Many Mums already have their circle of friends and it can be hard to break into them, even if they invite you to a few things or for a coffee.

 

I've always signed up for short courses, book clubs, photography clubs, those sorts of things to try to meet people with common interests that do no involve being based around having children. I realise it isn't easy if you've got younger kids but if you can find an evening a week to get out to a group it might be worth it. It might seem a bit strange to begin with but it can be an icebreaker.

 

I also recently volunteered to help organise a holiday club for a local church. I don't attend church of any kind but was asked if I would like to help out as the lady who runs the kids activities knew I was a) a bit lonely and finding it hard to meet people, b) had skills to offer. I happily accepted and attended the weekly meetings and planning and then helped run the toddler playgroup through the week while the holiday club for the over 5's ran next door. I've made a few friends via it that I can now catch up with for coffee and a chat without anything else being an issue.

 

Another thing I've been doing since the spring is fostering dogs for a local dog rescue charity. I've been to fun days, gotten to meet people and am getting to know some of them through the events they plan. Its great to have something non child based and that I really enjoy.

 

I know my husbands mother (in Adelaide) got involved with his schools parents annual play production and has remained doing this since he left over a decade ago! She loves it has made some great friends and socialises with them also.

 

Hope some of this is of help to you

[scooterdan]

Hi,

 

Sorry to hear about your experiences making friends....! I am not sure how common this problem is but i am sure your not the only one who sometimes thinks that!

 

We have have met many people of this site, many are now good friends who i can and do rely on.....we have met some people we havent got on 'as well' with and may not see as much.....we have even took time to meet people who then decided they didnt like us and just ignored us even though we lived in the same street!!!

 

Making friends is a hard job and i have found perseverance to be the key!! Please dont give up!!

 

Dan

[Guest Nick11]

It takes time...lots of time.

I have met lots of new people in the pasyt3 years...mostly poms trying desperately ..like me...to find friends.

Many have fallen by the wayside..no reason as to why...we just are different..some have their own agenda and take advantage of hospitality and your willingness to go that extra mile whilst bitching about you behind your back .. and a few have become die hard forever there friends.

It takes time..don't give up. Your best mate just might be around the corner.

[Moosh]

This is extremely common I'm afraid. Unfortunately, forums like this is not one I recommend to find friends either. Out of the 8 years that I've been here in Oz, I've only ever met two friends that I'm still in touch with socially from these websites. Friends you make on here are stepping stone friends so good for a while and then they or you move on. I do find this unfortunate because I have met many nice people on here but never stayed in touch. Such is life.

[Guest the4hopes]

I have met 3 families on here at a meet up on Henley Beach nearly 2 years ago, they are now my best friends, maybe I am lucky! I also have made friends at other meetings on here, who I do not really get time to keep up to date with, but I know we could contact each other at any time for a chat.

Its not always best to have just your childrens friends mums as friends, you may only have the children in common, not a good base for a friendship. It can turn out that if the children fall out, parents can as well, unless they are sensible enough to rise above it.

I would advise you to try some meetings on here as it has turned out well for me.

[Diane]

I have found that the best friends you make here are people who have moved to the area from elsewhere, as those that have spent years here already have established groups/networks. I have one wonderful aussie friend who moved here from Melbourne, and a couple of good pommie friends, who I've either met through get togethers organised on here, or who are friends of friends.

 

I'd be the first to say don't just socialise with other poms but sometimes, they're the only ones in the same situation as you, so maybe go along to one of the nights out/coffees advertised on here and see how it goes. Yes, there'll be a few that you don't like, a few you have nothing in common with, a few who you see again a few times but then fall out of touch with, but it's the scattergun principle - if you meet enough people, one will hopefully be the one you click with.

 

It is really hard though, and to be honest, you do have to force yourself to be self sufficient and sometimes just accept that you'll never have the same kind of closeness with friends that you've left behind. A very wise lady I know who spends half her year in Aus and half in the UK said it best "old friends are gold, new friends are silver".

 

Which area are you living in? I'm in the Northeast and we get often have get togethers - details are posted up on here but I also have an email list that I send out details to if I see something, so if you'd like to be added to that and are over this side of town, feel free to PM me your email address. Last week for instance a few of us went along to the Rhino Room in the city to support a friend who was doing a stand-up gig (she was brilliant!).

[Guest Chandan]

perhaps a PIA night out should be organised... who organises that? I wouldnt mind meeting some new friends...

[Guest katsmajic]

What alot of people forget is the true friends they had in the uk took years/time to build up to that strength/quality friendship.

To start with it is just socialising and getting your face out there, meeting folks with something in common - the move etc, however your fortunate if you make real friendships at these 'some what un natural' gatherings - un natural as in you'd never meet up with these folks if it wern't for the 'big move' topic...if you do hit it off with some folks then its great, and something to build upon, but its not the only outlet/source of friendships.

 

We've been incredibly lucky and have made some great friends off here - but just as many not off here too....

 

You'll pick plenty of bad apples before you find one you want to eat - same goes with friends - loads of 'mates/aquantances' etc but true friends are hard to come by.

[scooterdan]

We had a PIA in Glenelg night the other week and only 6 people turned up.....

 

Any one feel free to organise the next one!!

[coolerking]

It takes time...lots of time.

I have met lots of new people in the pasyt3 years...mostly poms trying desperately ..like me...to find friends.

Many have fallen by the wayside..no reason as to why...we just are different..some have their own agenda and take advantage of hospitality and your willingness to go that extra mile whilst bitching about you behind your back .. and a few have become die hard forever there friends.

It takes time..don't give up. Your best mate just might be around the corner.

 

You gave us this advice when kindly invited us around when we first arrived - we will get around to returning the favour shortly! Wise words Nick, as always.

 

OP, I hope you meet some good, reliable friends soon.

 

Me, no one likes me, except Heaps Good as he still thinks I'm a Man U fan:shocked:

 

Cooler

[Guest Deborah5]

hi

This is the second time I've moved continents. And hopefully the last.

 

With the first move I was stressed, annoyed, worried (the whole host of emotions) about friends. It wasn't nice. A close relative had warned me that it would take ages.

 

This time I realise, from experience, that everything just takes time. A whole lot of time. Years and years.

 

Best advice I can give is to just relax. Enjoy the weather. Enjoy the fabulous, friendly Australians. Do not try and make friends frantically. The more you relax and enjoy your life - the more people you will attract. Do not compare new people to your old friends. There is no comparison.

 

It's hard, but hang in there and pm me if you fancy more of a chat

deb xxxx

[Guest katsmajic]

shhhh i pay you good money!!!

 

 

 

Me, no one likes me, except Heaps Good as he still thinks I'm a Man U fan:shocked:

 

Cooler

[jo_marnes]

It's always difficult to find new friends. I have been lucky and met so many lovely people through this site and also so many others via school/ kindy etc. I have several people here I would call true friends (we've been here 18 mths) and I met them all one way or another through this website. I still try to make an effort with new people too to help them settle in, but honestly, for me its all about having the time to see everyone! Which is a lovely position to be in. Don't get me wrong, I've met people who I haven't got on with so well, or met once and didn't have much in common with, but thats the case all over the world, not just here. I would hate it if someone thought I was ignoring them or being rude by just being busy - try not to read too much into it. I'm sure you'll find some great people to get on with soon. xxx

[Guest Bluenose]

Hey there.....

 

Don't ever think you're the only one thats been in this situation....you're not diseased or boring (jesus, I'm supposed to be making you feel better here ) Anyway....what I'm trying to say is that it happens to us all.....I've been here 24 years and it's taken me that long to find ppl that I call friends. Oh I met a shed load of ppl and like you and many others was constantly amazed at how I was picked up, put down, used...or totally ignored at a moments notice.

 

I went through the "up yours" stage...spent countless hours wondering what I was doing wrong.....tried to change and fit in.....all with varying degrees of success. After all the ups and downs I came to this conclusion.....

 

First and foremost....be yourself (as long as you're not Dexter ) in which case it might be best to keep that secret locked in the cupboard. Secondly, put yourself out there.....but with the understanding that you're not going to keep flogging a dead horse. Look at what you get from it....friends suit different purposes...some are good time friends.....some are small talk friends...some are ppl you connect with and they "get you".....they'll be the ppl who will be there through the good, the bad and the ugly. Don't be afraid to move on if someone isn't meeting at least some of your requirements of what you need in a friend.

 

Sometimes I'd put so much energy & time into things that weren't working that I'd miss other chances of meeting new people. It's a bit of a cliche but as one door closes another will open more often than not....but like I said the problem is keeping the faith and to keep plugging away.

 

No one is going to say it's easy...because it's not.....friendships need constant work and attention....thats just the way it is.

 

Keep the faith and stay positive and you will start to meet ppl.......jesus wept...if I can then......ha ha

 

Cheers

 

J

[Guest Guest75]

Hey there.....

 

Don't ever think you're the only one thats been in this situation....

 

J

 

 

I'm in this category as well - sick of having folk use us or always turn up when WE have a BBQ!

 

Filtering now and have had a couple of lovely surprise moments recently.

 

It all takes time though I'm afraid.

[Guest Bluenose]

Hi Tyke

 

Yep..you've got to sift through the ****e to find the diamonds......

 

It's not easy to do.....but it needs to be done!

[Guest Guest75]

Hi Tyke

 

Yep..you've got to sift through the ****e to find the diamonds......

 

It's not easy to do.....but it needs to be done!

 

Harder for you to find friends though - there are only about 7 people live in Gumeracha!!:biglaugh:

 

Sorry - could not resist!!!

[Guest Bluenose]

it's 10 ppl so get ya facts straight.

 

Actually we have around 400.....

[Guest Sachertorte]

Hello guys

 

thanks for the kind words- I am in hospital to look after my yongest girl with a nasty vomiting bug

I really had some food for thought from your replies....I thought kids could be a vehicle to making new friends (although I am not trying frantically, believe me) and on reflection I do take your point that in fact it might well not be!

I am emigrating abroad for the second time and I have been here for over a year- I suppose I was expecting by now to feel more part of the place!

 

I think Aussies are probably not as friendly as they might look- they are affable, approachable and egalitarian- but won't let you so easily into their lives! I agree with Tyke- if you have a BBQ they do show up

I found South Aussie are actually quite reserved, in a British sort of way. And they are content with their lot- so you might not be perceived as needed as they are happy with the friends they already have and see you as an element that could jeopardize the status quo (the proverbial resistance to change!)

[Guest Guest75]

Hello guys

 

thanks for the kind words- I am in hospital to look after my yongest girl with a nasty vomiting bug

I really had some food for thought from your replies....I thought kids could be a vehicle to making new friends (although I am not trying frantically, believe me) and on reflection I do take your point that in fact it might well not be!

I am emigrating abroad for the second time and I have been here for over a year- I suppose I was expecting by now to feel more part of the place!

 

I think Aussies are probably not as friendly as they might look- they are affable, approachable and egalitarian- but won't let you so easily into their lives! I agree with Tyke- if you have a BBQ they do show up

I found South Aussie are actually quite reserved, in a British sort of way. And they are content with their lot- so you might not be perceived as needed as they are happy with the friends they already have and see you as an element that could jeopardize the status quo (the proverbial resistance to change!)

 

Similar to what you say on the Aussies.

I've plenty of Aussie mates.

They come later down the track,most of them already have a lot of friends so may not appear as eager as incoming Poms for friends.

2 of my closest friends are Aussies

[coolerking]

I'm in this category as well - sick of having folk use us or always turn up when WE have a BBQ!

 

Filtering now and have had a couple of lovely surprise moments recently.

 

It all takes time though I'm afraid.

 

You're having a barbie mate?

 

Just let us know the details:biglaugh:

 

OP, I am very gregarious (Tyke said I am a nutter, so that could right!) but can take or leave having friends. I guess that means I am careful who my friends are.

 

I think that when you're an adult, you probably look for friends that are more reliable and trustworthy so that can take longer to see if someone fits that criteria for you. Many other friends come from our youth so that can mean that some traits that don't annoy you too much with them, can be a real turn off if you see that in a potential new friend.

 

Cooler

[Guest kfoley0681]

we can simpathise with you.i personally have made lots of friends through school and kindy but on very few i class as good friends. my husband on the other hand said he doent feel that he has really made any friends. i was talking to one of my "good friends" who is australian and born and bred in south australia and she said dont take it personally but in general its hard to make true friends with south australians as the majority are back stabbers or out to get something out of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this took me by supprise as she is a local so it wasnt a pommy having a bad day! we spent 5 months travelling when we first arrived around australia and everyone we met said dont go to sa what do you whant to go there for? they are a breed of there own!! after hearing many pommy experiences about probles with making friends i wonder if this is what the rest of the country has against sa!!!!! we are now looking to move upto queensland we absolutly loved it up there it was the tropical paridise i dreamed of when emigrating and also we have made friends when travellng uo there that have now become very good friends regular calls and we go up there to visit! thats the home calling for me! but all that aside thats my personal experience some people love sa and make good friends maybe there not need ing as good friends as others or aybe there lucky. hope things work out for you.

[Thorpe1]

Funny I feel more like the OP during winter, Not sure if thats coz I hibernate a little.

 

We have been here for nearly 3 years and have settled in really well but I totally understand how the OP and others feel. I love entertaining but I do get a bit fed up when I seem to do ALL the entertaining. It gets to a point where I stop inviting certain people and wait and see if we get an invite back........It sometimes doesn't happen and then I resent them. I hate how that makes me feel but I just cant help it !!!!

 

I have tried to make friends with my daughters friends parents but even that can backfire, especially when the kids fall out !!!!!

 

Still summer is on its way (ha ha ha I hear you say) and hopefully we will meet some more people.

[Guest mlissiman]

Hi Sachertorte

 

I'm sorry that you are feeling a little lost on the friends front. It is hard to make new friends in a new country. When we first got here (2 years ago) I felt that I did'nt have a friend that I could really confide in, someone who understood me and knew my history (and I still do feel like that on occassions). I don't have that person to moan to when I'm down who will be understanding. But you know what? Sometimes that's not such a bad thing as I plant a smile on my face and go out into the world. I'm sure that if I did have someone to moan to that it would make me feel worse, somehow.

 

As others have said on here, you can't always rely on making friends through your children's friends.

 

Also, I find that during the winter months alot of people do hibernate (me included!) and we don't see people as often as we do during the summer.

 

If you do feel that you need someone to chat to - drop me a PM and maybe we can meet for coffee and cake sometime?