My wife doesn't want to go and needs encouragement

[Guest daveblade178]

Hi, My wife Joanne doesn't really want to go, however after years of moaning from me has finally agreed. Can any of you guys give her some encouragement that it is the right thing to do. I would me most gratefull as her face lately since i lodged my skills assessment with the TRA is like a bag of spanners.

many thanks Dave

[Guest Roo1]

Hi Dave,

 

Unfortunatly thats true to life when sometimes one partner wants to emigrate more badly than the other.

How about you guys come to a compromise? Maybe agree to give it 2 years out here. If she still doesn't like it, then at least you can say you've given it a go.

 

J x

[Guest mOZzy]

hi dave,

 

unfortunately there is nothing i can add to this!

if you are not in it 100% it won't work!

it's stressfull enough as it is and you need all your strenght to settle down in your new surrounding! -

 

is there something in particular she resents? or is it 'just' the thought of the big (far) move! - have you got kids?

 

yes, i'd say a compromise is the solution. either way if you go she won't be happy - if you stay you won't be happy. if you go for say 2 years at least she tried and you can't fault her on that one!

 

hope it works out for you

[ianb]

Hi, My wife Joanne doesn't really want to go, however after years of moaning from me has finally agreed. Can any of you guys give her some encouragement that it is the right thing to do. I would me most gratefull as her face lately since i lodged my skills assessment with the TRA is like a bag of spanners.

many thanks Dave

 

Dave,

 

Have you been to oz before? If not it may be prudent to do a reccie or holiday, i know it costs but may give both you a sample of what it is like. If it turns out from a from a visit that its not for you at least it would work out cheaper than going through the whole process.

I agree with whats been said that to make it work everyone needs to be 110% sure. Yes you can it a go and see how it goes but the pressures you will be put under could cause you both more problems that could ruin a relationship.

Chat about ti and see what the issues are and see if these can be overcome. But no one should be made to go as it could cause alot of resentment.

 

What ever happens good luck and best wishes

[Guest Django]

I kept raising the idea of moving to Oz on and off over the years. Tracey kept brushing off the idea. Now I reckon she is more keen than I am.

 

However, unless she really wanted to go there would be no point. If it is to work you must both be 'up for it' or you will back before you know it or your relationship will suffer badly. My advice is if she doesn't want to go then don't. It's not like the move is to the next town. Sorry to be negative but thats the reality in moving to the other side of the world.

[Guest dglamoore]

Can only agree with what everyone else has already said - it is a tremundous strain moving so far on any relationship and if one of you feels pushed into it things will be sooo much harder when you get here We have seen couples split over moving here - not rosy I know but real.

 

I wanted to move for years and the time was never right, eventually Greg agreed but it has still been hard. Now he is as glad as I am that we made the move but both of you really have to have your hearts in it.

 

Lisa:jiggy:

[Guest smit]

If she doesnt want to do it ...........then dont. Too much stress..........its not easy when you first turn up in astrange land and all youre get is " I told you" and shell be on a plane before you know it.

 

Smit

[Guest Devon]

Can only agree with some other people I'm afraid so hardly the encouragement you want to hear but it is best to be honest. Australia can be pretty lonely for the one who doesn't want to go. Friends of ours agreed they would give it 2 years and then go back if she still wasn't happy. She hated it so much during that 2 years - unfortunately he and the 3 kids love it and refused to go back. She has just made the heart breaking decision to stay in the Uk whilst back on holiday and seperated a family after 15 years of marriage - her OH and the children aged 10 - 16 are staying in OZ!

[Guest Trakki]

I totally agree with everyone else I'm afraid. Pete (Django) as he said has talked for years about going and I wanted to but couldn't face leaving my family here but then I lost my dad at the age of 57 to cancer and decided that life was too short so decided that I would give it a go. I am now really excited about going and just want to be there. If Pete had pushed me and I had gone I probably would not have made the most of it and resented him for it. We have agreed however that whether we like it or not we will stay for 5 years get citizenship for us and the children. Then if we do come back the children have Aussie citizenship and can go back whenever they want with out having to go through the stress of visa.

 

Sorry I have not been much help but maybe a compromise is the way to go but I think alot of discussion needs to take place before you commit to moving to the other side of the world.

 

Tracey

[Guest lastboyscout]

Put your foot down Dave, tell her you are the boss and your decision is final, tell her to get back in the kitchen and make some dinner

 

Only kidding

 

If one of you has reservations about going then you should talk it out more or even go on a visit , then she`ll see what a wonderful place it is and want to move there immediately

 

Thats why we made the decision- never been there in our lives, can`t afford to either, but anywhere is better than this country at the moment, the weather is shite, houses are ridiculously expensive, you get taxed on just breathing here, and there is absolutely nothing for our kids to look forward to in the future, who knows Adelaide might not be the answer to all our problems but at least we won`t be thinking `I wonder what life would have been like.........` if we didn`t go on this amazing journey..... TOGETHER:)

 

If all else fails buy her some flowers !LOL

[Guest Martin and Val]

Hi Dave,

All I can say is try before you buy. We went over for a month earlier this year and are going back again Jan and Feb 2008. We sat down many a time with my wife in tears as we talked about this big move.

I will be giving up a very good job and my wife hopes to semi retire. (You must consider this in your decison)

We have decided to go for it and if either one of us says it is not for them then we both come back together regardless of how the other feels about staying. We will however stay at least till we get citizenship as we have heard of people coming back to England regretting it and then going back to Aus again. (A very expensive way of doing it!)

Our children have all grown up and have set up homes of their own now, so we will always be returning for visits which will make it easier.

We think it is a great place but you both need to be sure about this.

If you have family or friends over there it wil help.

Regular phone calls and a web cam are also a good idea.

Hope this has been useful.

Martin

[cormcvcr]

Hi Dave,

 

for some it's an easy decision and for others it's not, you have to weigh up your options and talk about why you want to go so much and what difference it will have for you, but also listen to find out your wifes concerns and see if they can be overcome.

 

Definately go on a reccie and see if you could settle and it's everything you thought it would be, it would be a real shame just to say no without going and having a look, but also it would be a shame if after all the hint dropping over the years that you go and don't like it!

 

We made a list of all the things that were important to us and if we could still achieve the same in Oz, that way there were going to be a few extra pro's in there as well.

 

Best of luck with whatever you both decide and never regret your decision either way!

[Guest Django]

The only thing I would say to your wife would be this....... Regret the things you don't do rather than the things you do. I also have a saying that I use quite a lot and that is 'don't knock it 'til you've tried it'

 

I really hope if you decide to go for it your wife will love it out there. The only downside to reckies are that you tend to be on 'holiday mode' and living there will be a different circumstance.

 

Pete

[Guest sarahsmartiepants]

Hi, My wife Joanne doesn't really want to go, however after years of moaning from me has finally agreed. Can any of you guys give her some encouragement that it is the right thing to do. I would me most gratefull as her face lately since i lodged my skills assessment with the TRA is like a bag of spanners.

many thanks Dave

Well Dave I can only hope for both of your sakes you didnt word that too well! I have read it a few times and am not sure if you are serious or not? But I will answer as though you are.

There are lots of people who come here when one of the partners dont want to, then live to regret it. It is also all very well making the promise of going back if the other still doesnt like it, but how will you know for sure that person will go back if they love it here?

There is nothing I can say that will give you encouragement, sorry. If her face is still like a bag of spanners, if she, after like you say, "has finally agreed", then what makes you think she is going to change her face after getting here???

Good luck

sarah

[Lazy Cow]

There are lots of people who come here when one of the partners dont want to, then live to regret it. Good luck

sarah

 

I agree with Sarah. I think it can be all to easy to give in for an easy life/'cos you love the other person, then regret it. Unless you're both really committed to the idea, the potential for it all to go wrong must surely be huge. (But what do I know?!)

 

For my part,my OH wanted to emigrate for some years before I decided to give it a go. He didn't try to persuade me or keep on about it, I just knew how keen he was to come and eventually things changed and we emigrated two years ago.

 

We had a great life in Tonbridge, and have a great life here. I'm glad we made the move, but I realise it isn't for everyone and it must be easier if you are both determined to make a success of it and able to view disappointments or setbacks with optimism and positivity.

 

So I guess I'd say...be gentle, patient and give her time to make emigration her own decision, and who knows?

LC

[Guest Diane]

Hi there

To add my two penn'orth.... I don't know whether you and your wife have kids, or whether your wife would be looking to work here, but in my experience, the families that find it hardest to settle here are those where one partner is working, and thus building up a circle of friends, and the other is at home, with all the household chores still to do (the ironing, the shopping, the cleaning) and no support circle around him/her, such as family, friends etc. Even those people who are both dead keen on coming here often 'hit the wall' after a few months, once the initial excitement of the move, and holiday feel to the trip has worn off.

Only you as a couple can decide if coming here is something you want to try, but if you DO come, I would strongly advise you get your wife onto a forum such as this one beforehand, get her to go along to meet-ups once she's here, if she's not working, or looking for a job, to do some voluntary stuff, or evening classes, daytime studies or something, so that she can get to know people as quickly as possible. We often underestimate how big a part our friends play in our life, and being separated from them by distance is sometimes like a bereavement so building up support circles is essential.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Diane

 

 

www.h2h.com.au Home2Home Settlements: professional and friendly settlement assistance

[Guest Django]

if you DO come, I would strongly advise you get your wife onto a forum such as this one beforehand, get her to go along to meet-ups once she's here, if she's not working, or looking for a job, to do some voluntary stuff, or evening classes, daytime studies or something,

 

Absolutely spot on advice. Where are you at the mo? There is a west mid meet planned and the north west are up to something too. If you are nowhere near them then lets organise a meet nearer to you so that she can talk to others making the move. It can only help and she can talk through her doubts and worries.

 

Pete

[Guest ali@51]

Us up to somthing Never! All of us in the north west are complete We will however be having a very serios :biglaugh:sensible:biglaugh: non alcholic:p meet up @ Muscrat Manor on 11/11/07 @2pm. It is just of J21 of the M6.

 

 

 

 

 

[Guest louiesmum]

Hi

 

Well we are in the process of emigrating but luckily for us we both want to go, I'd agree with the others give it a go & dont live to regret not trying, but I also do think you need to find out why your wife has reservations & try to work out ways of over comming these. We have set all our close family with web cams so we can keep in touch, & I'm very new to this site but it seems a good way to meet people that have been through the system.

 

Good Luck

[jim and adel]

Hi, My wife Joanne doesn't really want to go, however after years of moaning from me has finally agreed. Can any of you guys give her some encouragement that it is the right thing to do. I would me most gratefull as her face lately since i lodged my skills assessment with the TRA is like a bag of spanners.

many thanks Dave

 

 

Perhaps she doesn't need encouragement, maybe she simply doesn't want to go! Emigrating isn't for everyone and Australia isn't for everyone. From the brief description you give it sounds like you've worn her down with 'years of moaning', and her agreeing is the outcome of this attrition, nothing more. If she's depressed at the idea then that's not a good way to begin the process. Ultimately, if she doesn't want to go, she doesn't want to go and moaning or the encouragement of strangers isn't likely to change that. If she WANTS to meet others making the move, then great, but it sounds as if she needs some space to think and a say on where she lives her life.

 

Sorry to be blunt (and I recognise that I might have misinterpreted this not knowing any of the detail).

 

All the best, Jim

[Guest Rachel & Jeff]

Dave

 

The next West Mids meet is on 4th November 2pm at The Marlbrook, 462 Birmingham Road, Bromsgrove, B61 4HR.

Try and bring your wife along to this and it might help if she can chat to people who are going through the same thing.

 

Rachel

[Guest Martin and Val]

Hi Rachel and Jeff,

Can you post some more details about the meet in Nov please? If I can get off work that day we may be interested in coming along if thats OK.

Cheers

Martin and Val

 

PS: Dave this would be a great chance to meet others and talk through your worries getting that valuable advice and opinion of others.

[Guest Django]

 

Can you post some more details about the meet in Nov please? If I can get off work that day we may be interested in coming along if thats OK.

 

See thread http://www.pomsinadelaide.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1609&page=2

[Guest Martin and Val]

Hi Pete,

Thanks for the link I will try and get the time off work.

Martin and Val

[Guest daveblade178]

Hi, thanks for your thoughts and suggestions (even the blunt ones). I registered on this forum particularly to get my wife involved with meeting other people in the emigration process, and even to meet people when we arrive. She has promised to look on the forum tomorrow. I hope she will go the the meet on Nov 4th and we have since agreed to visit Adelaide in January before we continue with the visa application.