Need to talk

[Carol]

Hello everyone

 

I have been reading this forum for a while looking for answers but still haven't seen a discussion about my problem.

 

My daughter and her husband flew to Adelaide and their new life five weeks ago.

 

I am so sad I am finding it really difficult to share their excitement and happiness.

 

I have no wish to put a damper on any ones hopes and expectations, I think you are all so brave.

 

What I need is someone to talk to who understands how I am feeling.

 

So if anyone has a parent back in the UK who might like to share their feelings and thoughts with me please pass on my email address to them.

 

Thanks

 

Carol

[suzer]

Sorry to hear you're feeling like this Carol. I would suspect many of our parents are. My mom is coming to visit us in NZ in a couple of weeks. I've been gone from home now about 8 months and my mom has gotten herself involved in a lot of things in order not to get overly sad about me being gone...she's workin gpart-time (she was retiring), which helps too I'm sure. Hope you feel better in time.

 

Suzer

[Guest ali@51]

Hi Carol,

I'm not sure I can be much help but I wanted to say I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so down. Speaking as a daughter who is leaving her mum I'm sure she didnt do it to hurt you. It is really hard even thinking about going so far away and I wake up at 3 in the morning a lot of the time worriying about what we are doing to our familys. I'm sure she wont have taken the disicion lightly and I hope you feel better soon.

[ianb]

Can only agree with whats been said. I know when we finally go my mum and rachels mum and dad will be upset but so far they have been very backing towards it as they know why we want to and can see the hopes we have for a better future for our family.

Perhaps when the down under crew start waking up from the ozzie wine induced sleep someone with more experience of leaving parents behind will offer some advice.

 

Hope things settle down for you soon

[Guest dglamoore]

It is hard when there is so much distance - I have the only grand child so felt very guilty when we moved. But I now talk to my parents more since moving here than I did in the uk and see them when we chat on the webcam which they never used when we were in Devon. :v_SPIN:

 

My mum says she now finds it easier knowing how easy we can keep in touch and even see us. She knows she can come over anytime she wants for a visit. But we did not live near each other in the uk so this may have made a huge difference. If your daughter lived very close and you saw each other often I can only imagine how you must be feeling

 

A lot of people who are close to families descibe it as almost grieving in feelings so just give yourself some time and I am sure you will start to see more of the positives for them

 

Lisa;)

[Carol]

Hello Ian

 

Many thanks for replying.

 

We fully supported our daughter through all the application procedure and like to think we helped both physically and emotionally. But I don't think we thought past the day they left. I didn't know it would hurt like this.

 

Everyone says it's still very early days, I really hope they are right.

 

Carol

 

Hi Carol,

I'm not sure I can be much help but I wanted to say I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so down. Speaking as a daughter who is leaving her mum I'm sure she didnt do it to hurt you. It is really hard even thinking about going so far away and I wake up at 3 in the morning a lot of the time worriying about what we are doing to our familys. I'm sure she wont have taken the disicion lightly and I hope you feel better soon.

Hello Ali

 

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

 

My daughtersays exactly the sam, she didn't move to hurt me, only to have a better life.

 

Thank you for your best wishes.

 

Sorry to hear you're feeling like this Carol. I would suspect many of our parents are. My mom is coming to visit us in NZ in a couple of weeks. I've been gone from home now about 8 months and my mom has gotten herself involved in a lot of things in order not to get overly sad about me being gone...she's workin gpart-time (she was retiring), which helps too I'm sure. Hope you feel better in time.

 

Suzer

Hi Suzer

 

I too am trying to keep busy, have put off retirement for now. Need to save the air fare to Oz - never been on a plane in my life but have recently got a passport. I just need to pluck up the courage.

 

A lot of people who are close to families descibe it as almost grieving in feelings so just give yourself some time and I am sure you will start to see more of the positives for them

 

Lisa;)

 

Hi Lisa

 

Grief is a good description of my feelings.

 

I am sure we will keep in touch with emails and webcam conversations once they are set up in their new home.

 

Thanks for replying

 

Carol

[Guest sarahsmartiepants]

Hi carol

I dont know what to add to what everyone else says, but I will say this..my mum is sad that we have left, but I have sooooo much respect for the way she has handled it, not saying dont go etc etc, chatting to me normally on the phone, (she is not good with comps) flying out for a month on her own (she is in her 70s). Unlike some other members of my family, who seem "Off" with me for want of a better word, which makes comunicating difficult!

Good luck carol, keep your chin up and plan your first visit, people have told me it helped my mum a lot to actually come to see where we are, and I had such a lovely time with her when she came.

sarah

[Guest donna T]

Hi Carol

 

It is hard to hear it from the other side. My parents and I are very close and lived just 10 minutes away from us and looked after both my children whilst I went to work so the bond was exceptionally close.

 

I know that they hurt dreadfully in both the lead up and after we went but they have always been so supportive.

 

They moved house after we moved here and got involved in a social club and now, 8 months down the line, have more friends than they ever had before and quite a hectic social life.

 

They are coming out in January which will be fantastic (although I am dreading them going again already). They know that we have done the right thing for our children and that there really was nothing for them any more in London so that helps too.

 

I'll pass on your email address to my Mum and hopefully she can help.

 

Donna x

[Guest ben&sharon]

Hi Carol,

 

This is so difficult for all of us, and it's good to hear the opinion from the other side.

 

My mother's in her 60s, and lives in Kent - a good couple of hours from us, but it will be just as hard leaving her. I have been through no end of guilty feelings myself, but I know that we can offer a better future to our little one out there, and that is the over-riding reason for going.

 

I have been constantly amazed at how strong and supportive she has been throughout the process - particularly now that my sister has decided to emigrate to NZ - they will be leaving next year as well. There is only the two of us, and we will be taking all three grandchildren to the other side of the world. Mum's already saving for an extended trip out there, and we think she may consider trying to emigrate as well (although she's torn between the two countries now!), but of course that won't happen quickly, and there will be a period of time when she will be on her own.

 

In the meantime, she's taught herself to use a PC and the internet, so that she'll be able to communicate by e-mail and with a webcam! Like I said - she never ceases to amaze me.

 

I'll pm you with her e-mail address - I'm sure she'd get a lot out of talking to someone in the same situation.

 

Sharon x

[The Monaghans]

Hi Carol, I have to say I got quite choked reading your post. I have left my mum in England and brought her only two grandchildren to the other side of the world. She is a widow and I have no brothers or sisters so she is now completely on her own. She is very shy and finds it difficult to make friends. She told me that she understood why we were leaving for Australia but she broke down and cried on the day that our visas came through. I hope she will find the courage to come and visit us but I'm afraid that she will be put off by the thought of flying so far by herself. I will certainly mention you to her tomorrow when I call her and I hope she will contact you. I think we all know how hard it is for the people that we've left behind, reading your post confirms all our fears. I truly hope some of the replies have brought you some comfort. Take care.

[Carol]

Hi carol

..my mum is sad that we have left, but I have sooooo much respect for the way she has handled it, not saying dont go etc etc, chatting to me normally on the phone, (she is not good with comps) flying out for a month on her own (she is in her 70s). Unlike some other members of my family, who seem "Off" with me for want of a better word, which makes comunicating difficult!

 

Hello Sarah

 

Thanks for replying. Boy, did you touch a nerve? You certainly made me sit up and take notice. I managed to be supportive till they went and never actually said don't go. But I can't talk to my daughter on the phone and I know she wants to talk to me, so my support has flown out the window. I think I fall into your category of "off" people. I need to think about that. I would like to think my daughter could respect me

for the way I have handled this difficult situation. At the moment I doubt that she could.

 

I am so glad I posted this query. The answers I have received have already helped me.

 

 

 

Hello Donna

 

Thanks for your reply, your parents sound wonderful.

 

I have replied to your pm, thank you so much.

 

 

 

Hello Sharon

 

Thanks for your Mum's email address.

 

She sounds great, I look forward to communicating with her.

 

 

 

Hi Carol, I have to say I got quite choked reading your post. I have left my mum in England and brought her only two grandchildren to the other side of the world. She is a widow and I have no brothers or sisters so she is now completely on her own. She is very shy and finds it difficult to make friends. She told me that she understood why we were leaving for Australia but she broke down and cried on the day that our visas came through. I hope she will find the courage to come and visit us but I'm afraid that she will be put off by the thought of flying so far by herself. I will certainly mention you to her tomorrow when I call her and I hope she will contact you. I think we all know how hard it is for the people that we've left behind, reading your post confirms all our fears. I truly hope some of the replies have brought you some comfort. Take care.

 

I am so sorry if I upset you, I certainly didn't mean to.

 

As I said in my original post, I think you are all so brave. I don't want to add to anyones worries about leaving the UK. The goodbyes are hard for everyone. I truly believed it was easier for my daughter as she had her new life to look forward to and all I had was a big gap in my life. But having read all these responses from such caring people I am starting to realiise how selfish I am being. I need to put my sorrow aside and help my daughter.

 

Thank you

 

Carol

[Guest sarahsmartiepants]

Hi Carol

I hope I didnt upset you too much. You have to get past that feeling of not being able to talk to her. Tell her why you couldnt for a while, she will understand. you dont sound selfish to me Carol, being hurt by this sort of thing is so normal, you need to put your sorrow aside so you can help each other.

SArah

[Guest ali@51]

Hi Carol

I just wanted to add to what Sarah said I dont think you are being selfish either. Emigrating is hard for people on both sides of the fence and I think you are right that as hard as it was for your daughter she had new things to think about and do but youwill quite natrualy be focusing on your loss. If I was your daughter reading this I would feel very proud that I had such an articulate caring mother as you. I hope that you will be able to re open comunications with her soon.