Homesick after just one week - is this normal?

[lucy52]

I moved to Adelaide a week ago from the UK with my fiance who is originally from here. On paper it looks great, we both have good jobs where as in the UK he was recently made redundant but im incredibly homesick after only a week and am really worried this is how its going to be long term. I miss my family terribly and feel like a fish out of water. Would be nice to hear some reassurance that this is normal as at the minute im starting to think ive made a huge mistake. Any advice/thoughts/personal experiences gratefully received.

[snifter]

Totally normal. Especially after only a week. I think its bound to hit you hard at first. If you've never been to Adelaide before, or Aus, then you have to adjust to things for a while. Even if you have been there before, the reality of living there is going to feel very different to holiday mode. I think you are probably feeling rather overwhelmed about the move and therefore its adding to the feelings of homesickness. If you were only there on holiday you'd not be feeling that way I'd wager.

 

I think once you get your bearings, find your way round, make a few friends and start to explore a bit you'll feel more settled. Don't dwell on this move being forever or spend too long bringing yourself down with the 'what have I done' thoughts. Try to focus and be positive, give things a chance and don't allow yourself to wallow in the homesickness too much, otherwise it just takes over and then you are on a losing one IMO as once you let the rot set in, it rarely then finds a way to be stopped as things fester and can just seem worse.

 

Were you close to your family and friends in the UK? If so, again, big adjustments to be made and get used to. It all takes time. Sort out Skype so you can do that once a week and then there is FB and emails also. But don't rely on them too much or make it the be all and end all. Sometimes if you spend too long hankering on what you left behind, you end up losing sight of all the reasons you made the move.

 

Talk to your partner, let him know how you are feeling and give yourself a chance to just get over jetleg and adjust to the differences.

 

Were you totally committed to the move? Or were you wavering and have given it a go to see if you like it? I think moving anywhere overseas takes a big resolve on occasion and determination and sheer bloodymindedness thrown in. Its not going to be like the UK and there will be some things that will jar and other things will feel more natural and more comfortable. But try to go with the flow, relax a little and don't fret that just because its all been rather overwhelming the first week you are always going to feel that way. It could take a few months, 6, maybe a year before you truly find your feet. if you like Adelaide, can find positives and work is good, give things a chance and allow yourself time to build a life. It doesn't happen overnight and takes real time and effort to get a foot in the door. Be persistent and accept there are going to be some tough times and some good ones.

 

If things really don't work in the longer term for you in Aus, you can always look into moving back to the UK in a year or two, but give yourself a fair chance to make a go of it there, especially if your partner is from there as I am sure he'll help you find your feet. My hubby is from Adelaide and we are moving back soon. We are both really happy to go so its not an issue for me, moving there and starting over. I know what to expect in terms of how I'll cope and feel as I've lived overseas for a long while in the past and know how I get on with it.

 

Deep breaths, relax and try to not focus on what you've left behind but what is in front of you. Feel free to PM if you ever want to chat

[Guest sasha willis]

Hi Lucy

 

shame we are not there yet we would have come round and took you out for dinner and cheered you up , chin up lucy thing will be ok im sure

[wizzywozza]

I'm still homesick.

 

 

I've been here 21 years.

[Guest Tina P]

Me to - I've been here 4.5 yrs. It was terrible when I first arrived but I know its better here for my daughters, if we didn't have kids I'm not sure if we would have stayed ? I look back and know I was awful to live with, my hubby and kids also remember it - I was so nasty.

 

Making friends did help a lot though.

 

No one can describe how it feels, especially someone who hasn't felt it. I do hope it gets better for you.

 

Tina

[Guest ladyarkles]

Don't be too hard on yourself.

Like Snifter says, give yourself a bit of time to adjust.

You may well still be jetlagged; they say it takes one day to recover for every hour's time difference.

So, after 10 and a half days (?!?) you should start to feel better.

 

Go and do some nice stuff for yourself; get to the cinema, have a pedicure, come and sit down by the beach and have an ice-cream.

You are not on holiday, it's true, but that doesn't mean you don't need to treat yourself to a couple of nice experiences.

Most importantly, do tell your partner how you are feeling, get it all talked out between you. That way you can support each other during the bad days.

 

Hope you start to feel less disorientated soon.

 

~ Rachel xx

[Guest cazzie]

Totally, totally normal for some of us. I felt exactly like you and reading your post brings it all back. I was desperately upset and wanted to go home and almost booked a flight home a few times. However, two years down the line, you will probably feel quite at home but you have to give it time. When my OH came here 20 years ago, he felt at home immediately and never missed the UK for one second. I did not feel anything like that.

I would advise you to go out there and get to know the area well, enjoy the sunshine and beaches while you can and get out and about meeting people. There will be plenty of meet ups on here and people your age to befriend. Try to be positive and these feelings will gradually change. Good luck.

[Sallyh]

Firstly I would say that jetlag can do funny things to you emotionally and some of the fish out of water thing may be still getting over the jetlag. I'd say drink lots and lots of water, get lots of fresh air (and sun, when it comes out again!) and look after yourself physically. Moving takes so much out of you.

 

Then I will say that the first time I came to Adelaide even for a holiday I also felt like a fish out of water. Hard to explain written down but I know exactly what you mean. Go for lots of drives around, exploring, try going up in the Adelaide hills for a drive, see more things that put the city and suburbs into context.

 

I don't think I have ever been "homesick" - been here 3 1/2 yrs and my DH is from adelaide and we have both had to get used to slotting back in with family etc - a family that closed up the gap that DH left when he came to England for 10 years and its still really hard - we still feel like outsiders. But I regularly used to have "Australia tantrums" !!!! I have sworn I won't have them any more because they don't make life easier for us and it can drag DH down even though on paper he is officially "home". But when life is hard, things go wrong, or we are sick - its hard without our own support network, the one that we had in England and based our married and family life around. THat has changed gradually. I think this third year was the one where there has been a bit of a changeover -we now have a good support network (mainly friends with a bit of family thrown in) and that is something that "grows" rather than appears overnight.

 

I don't know if you go to church, or would ever consider it. THat is a great place to be accepted immediately and have emotional and practical support offered in a way not many other groups of people will. Also PIA may well net you some good friends in similar circumstances who have all been through similar feelings moving home.

 

Be kind to yourself, don't feel as though you have to put a brave face on it and bottle up how you are feeling, but look at the same time for practical things you can do and ways you can try to counteract the feelings. I'd say you need to think in stages - have goals and things you are working towards, and reassess periodically how you are going. Maybe set yourself a goal of 3 months to look again at how far you've come, and what your goals will be for the following 3 mths.

 

Has your fiancee got old friends he can reconnect with? How long has he been away? Its going to be a different and difficult road for him too, as it has been my DH, but there will be old friends who will instantly become really brilliant friends once more, and other old friends who he will realise are not going to be close friends for the future. We've taken about 3 years to get to the place where we have worked all that out, and its been a brave decision to let go of some, and others (female friends he had at school) who I've nicked off him and who I talk to almost daily!

[soo_the_panda]

Totally normal!! Dont' be so hard on yourself - a week is nothing!

And let me know if you fancy a coffee or wine and a chat sometime - I'm in Glenelg xx

[Sallyh]

oh and where are you based? PIA members may be able to make suggestions for you about what's round and about / could arrange a meetup.

[Guest ladyarkles]

Yay! Glenelg sounds good.

We could all go for a lunch or something if you fancy it, Lucy.

 

There's all kinds of places to eat down here and during the week it's pretty quiet.

I love the Surf Club and find it really good value.

[Sallyh]

DH's comment (remember he's Australian!) when I said I'd written on a thread where someone was homesick and had been here a week.

 

"Try 3 years". (He had a smile on his face!).

 

Looks like I need to do a bit more encouraging in this house too!!!!!

[Guest Lizzy]

Hi Lucy,

 

I've been here about 2 months , was fine, & all that you've said has now just hit me . I'm totally missimg my Mum I've also left a 21 year old son back in the Uk ! - what was i thinking ? I would be happy to meet you for a chat /coffee but don't know if i'd be more of a hinderence than a help ! but actually this seems a really good site & everyone else has been lovely & understanding & you realise you are not alone ! I'm hoping I don't still feel like this in a few months , but as we've rented our house out in the Uk til November am determined to hang in there til then ! by the way i'm in Hallet Cove - where are you ? Good Luck ! send you a big hug !!

[Guest steveygee]

Yeah I felt like that too, still do to some extent but slowly getting there and I'm officially only here for a year(although it'll probs end up being longer if I can help it). Don't throw in the towel just yet! I have a few friends here I could hook you up with if you want to expand your circle They are a good bunch

[Royd]

Absolutely to be expected. I got off the ship as a 15 year old (I was transported out here by my family, I did not volunteer) and it took me probably two years to get over the homesickness. It was very alien in 1965, trust me, the word "backwoods" comes to mind. But people were very friendly and as soon as I got into sport (a must for a young bloke in a country school) I was quite happy. But even now, many years later, I still get the pangs but they're not as deep as they were. Main thing is to understand that it is - as everyone has posted - very, very normal and it is not a personal or character deficiency. Eventually you either settle or you simply have to return and that's probably a decision that makes itself. Anyway, best wishes to you and I hope the pangs do quieten down for you.

[lucy52]

wow - i didn't expect such a response. Thank you - that genuinely helps. Some really good ideas but mostly its nice to hear other people have felt the same thing. Thanks guys. xxxxxxxx

[lucy52]

Thank you for taking the time to send such a long and thoughtful message. I think part of the reason im struggling was that my heart has never been in the move. My other half is Australian and although he certainly hasnt forced me here or anything but he wanted to move as he had no job security over in the UK whereas i wasnt that long into a promotion id worked really hard to get. Im going to give it a good shot but I feel bereft and im struggling to remain positive which is completely unlike me normally. I'm going to try and use this site for advice/pick me ups/reassurance - thanks again for your thread :-) x

[snifter]

Thank you for taking the time to send such a long and thoughtful message. I think part of the reason im struggling was that my heart has never been in the move. My other half is Australian and although he certainly hasnt forced me here or anything but he wanted to move as he had no job security over in the UK whereas i wasnt that long into a promotion id worked really hard to get. Im going to give it a good shot but I feel bereft and im struggling to remain positive which is completely unlike me normally. I'm going to try and use this site for advice/pick me ups/reassurance - thanks again for your thread :-) x

 

The thing I've learnt in relationships with people from other countries is that unless you are totally committed to the move then usually things falter. Its very hard to move to a place for love if you at least don't like where you will be living, or if you are not really wanting to be there. Moving just because its where the other person wants to be is often hard work. You really do have to be able to like or love where you both live. If you are not happy with where you are living it can have a huge impact on other areas of your life, including your relationship.

 

It doesn't mean you won't come to like Adelaide a great deal in time but it might be hard work for a while. The shock of living somewhere else you didn't really want to be is a tough one to get over.

 

I'm lucky in that both hubby and I are equally at home between the UK and Aus. He's lived elsewhere overseas before we met, as did I. So we both know how it goes and what is involved in a Aus/UK relationship. We talked long and hard before we committed to each other and what it might mean for us in the future as a couple. And we agreed to support each other and decide what was best for us as we needed to. But we are both open to living in the others home country and don't struggle being away from our homes. Ultimately, unless you choose to live in a country not native to either of you (and this often works well I've found from experience) there is often one partner who will always have to be the one to move away from their home country to live in the other persons. Sometimes neither can agree and its very tough for both people. Other times, the move is made for whatever reasons.

 

It sounds to me that your partner needs to be in Aus atm for various reasons. Doesn't mean he is going to want or need to stay there forever or long term. He may be happy in a couple of years to head back to the UK or elsewhere. You may find you settle and adapt well and are happy to stay longer term. Don't treat it like this is it forever or else you'll make it all feel so bleak. Look on it as a bit of an adventure, life experience and something to try for a couple of years supporting your OH and his needs/wants. And encourage in him a bit of give and take thinking and the understanding that couples from different countries may move around between them and not to close the door on the UK in the future.

 

Please feel free to drop me a PM to chat anytime

[Guest loopylisa]

Very normal. I was depressed for weeks when I got here. Hated our house. No job. I moved here to be with my partner who would never move to the UK. It was very tough on our relationship but things are much better now I am working and we are in a new unit. Allow yourself time to orientate. You have to learn lots of new things and this takes lots of mental and emotional energy. One thing that helped me was finding places and things I liked, like finding a nice salon to do my nails. My situation is a little different as I spent some time here when I was younger but Adelaide still sometimes feels like a shoe half a size too small. I don't know when it will be different but I take it a day at a time. Pm me if you need to chat:)

 

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