Hello. I am new :-)

[Mims33]

I registered for this site a while back but haven't used it really, so just wanted to say hello and I hope to be using this site alot more.

 

I am having a bit of a predicament and could do with some advice. Maybe noone can help, and only I can answer this but I feel I need to write out how I feel.

 

I am 34, my husband is 37, our children are 12, 10 and 8. We live in the UK. My husband is a Quantity Surveyor in the construction industry. He has had the dream of moving to Australia for a long time, I feel I hold him back as I have always said I can't go and leave my family. Well 2 years ago something happened with my violent brother and he scared my children when he arrived at our home and hit my husband for no reason at all. He has mental health issues. A year later he came after me and tried to hurt me too but was arrested. He has since apologised but I don't want him in our lives. Since then my mother and sister have almost abandoned me. I started suffering from high anxiety and agoraphobia last year after all the stress. I am now getting out more and life is a little better but I am unhappy living 10 minutes from my family, we don't have a relationship anymore and I see no reason to stay here feeling this unhappy. My husband thinks a fresh start away from the family that have hurt me for most of my life will be the best thing and I agree with him but I am worrying what if it makes my anxiety, more to the point how will I get on the plane. My agoraphobia is much better but I admit the thought of it scares me, it's a long flight.

 

I want to give hubby his dream, I want a better life for my children away from the horrible memories and a fresh start for my lovely family. I just need a kick up the backside and stop letting anxiety prevent me. I am here in the UK really unhappy, with no family keeping me here. It's been 20 months now since all of the upset and I am feeling so unhappy as is my husband.

 

Sorry, I just needed to get it all out. I know noone can help me decide. I just wish I didn't suffer anxiety, even though it's much better now. I hate how i let it stop me doing things to make my life better.

[barbaitch]

I feel so sad for you, Mims, and wish I knew the answer. However, I'm sure some lovely PomsInAdelaide friends will be along soon with good advice to help you on this difficult road you're on. My personal view is to say: Come to Australia as soon as you can. Adelaide is a great place to live and bring up the kids. You deserve to live a happy, fulfilled life with your lovely husband and family, so I say give it a go. What's to lose - and life is so short? Please don't give up, girl. There's so much good stuff to enjoy here; not to mention the fab friends you'll make along the way. And the weather is what dreams are made of!! x

Edited June 3, 2014 by barbaitch

[Mims33]

Thank you so much for your lovely reply.

 

I have had a tough life because of my volatile family, and it has caused me anxiety issues most of my life. It came to a head 2 years ago and I walked away from them but I find it so hard living here remembering how i have been treated, seeing them together some times all close and happy... it's really hard to see.

 

My husband says the same thing, life is too short and we are unhappy here so what's to lose? We could go to Australia and wish we had done it sooner.

 

Yesterday it was my sons birthday, family coming to visit him was too much for me and caused me great anxiety :-(

 

I said to my husband I would go tomorrow if I could just wake up there, all that freaks me out is the flight ;-)

 

I feel so sad for you, Mims, and wish I knew the answer. However, I'm sure some lovely PomsInAdelaide friends will be along soon to help you along this difficult road you're on. My personal view is to say: Come to Australia; Adelaide is a great place to live and bring up the kids. You deserve to live a happy, fulfilled life with your lovely husband and family, so I say give it a go. What's to lose - and life is so short? Please don't give up, girl.

[Rachiegarlo]

The planning may help you focus on something other than your troubles. The hardest thing people find is to leave their families, so maybe you are ready to give it your all when you come here and if you no longer had that anxiety about your own family your husband and kids may also have a fresh start if you come.

 

Regarding your anxiety over the flights, you could either bite the bullet and just fly straight through, or you could stop off along the way to break the journey. Singapore is nice, it is a clean safe place to visit with lots of things for kids. It's cheap to get around and the plus side it's in the same time zone as parts of Australia so you could get over your jetlag there and adjust to the heat and stronger light and chill out before all the busyness that starting somewhere new entails.

[Mims33]

Thank you for your lovely reply.

 

I think we all deserve a fresh start. My children really do get upset about my family, my eldest had to have counselling after he witnessed my brother hitting his dad. It was so out of the blue we had no time to keep the children out of the way :-( I just want them all to have a fresh start, my husband says we all deserve it. My family ruined my wedding day (my mum), again she ruined the day I bought my first home, announced my pregnancy..... awful people. I just want to start new memories and be happy.

 

Great idea re flying. I am not good at all with flying, I can manage an hour maybe lol!! I guess once you are there it's done ;-)

 

The planning may help you focus on something other than your troubles. The hardest thing people find is to leave their families, so maybe you are ready to give it your all when you come here and if you no longer had that anxiety about your own family your husband and kids may also have a fresh start if you come.

 

Regarding your anxiety over the flights, you could either bite the bullet and just fly straight through, or you could stop off along the way to break the journey. Singapore is nice, it is a clean safe place to visit with lots of things for kids. It's cheap to get around and the plus side it's in the same time zone as parts of Australia so you could get over your jetlag there and adjust to the heat and stronger light and chill out before all the busyness that starting somewhere new entails.

[engrauyon]

Be courageous. Telling the forum this things while your bitter experience is flooding you takes a lot of courage. So I think you are brave enough to cope with your flight. You shall also have the strength to bear all the struggle when you think your children will be happy and will get a better future. So concentrate on bright sides and you will find the worries are going away.

 

Besides Singapore, Kula Lampur is also a good mid-stop.

 

Best of luck for your new endeavor.

[Blossom]

Welcome to the forum. :-)

 

First off, have you checked if you are eligible for a visa? There have been a few changes in the last few years, so it's worth double checking.

It certainly doesn't sound like you have anything to lose by coming to oz. :-)

[Guest Guest75]

Welcome to the forum, nice of you to take time to introduce yourself!!!!

Most just barge in with questions!!

 

It's been a terrifying ride for all of in one way or another - it's normal!!!

[soo_the_panda]

Hi Mims, really sorry to hear what you've been through. I want to throw in a few perspectives that may or may not help. Firstly, I will say that whilst Adelaide and/or Australia may be the perfect fresh start you need, you could also have a fresh start without moving to the other side of the world (eg somewhere else in the UK). I'm not trying to put you off at all - personally I say go for it - but it's something to think about.

 

I think quite a lot of people who emigrate are running from something - that's not meant to be a negative judgement at all, I know I was one of them! All I will say is that whilst physical distance from issues can feel like a comfort, issues will also never go away just because you're a long way from their physical source. Again, I don't mean that to sound negative - and in your case it does sound like physical distance would be wise - just some food for thought.

 

I think Adelaide is a great place and I love the lifestyle here.

 

I really hope you and your family can find the best solution and you feel peaceful and happy Also, don't be scared about the flight - I used to hate flying but my feeling is 'once you're on, you're on!' so just sit back and try to make the best of it. Good luck with everything.

[jim and adel]

Writing a post about your troubles is such a brave thing to do - good on you.

 

I've often written on here that those in the UK with good jobs, close families, nice lifestyle etc should think long and hard before making the move because it's tougher to land a job at the moment here and things aren't as cheap as they once were. In your case, I'd not offer the same advice - I'd be on the next plane out of there ... well, the next plane once the visa has been secured! I don't know where you are with skills assessments, visa applications etc. If you haven't started the process, perhaps throw your energies into that to take your mind off your family (and for what it's worth, I think the only family you should be concerned about is your husband and kids - sounds like the further away from the rest, the better).

 

I'd say consider moving elsewhere in the UK for a fresh start if you're too anxious to make a long journey, but given it's your husband's dream to come here and it sounds like he's endured a fair bit, I think going for it fully and getting on that plane is the thing to do!

 

Your anxiety might well temporarily go higher if you decide to make the move, but it will be for the right reasons and I reckon it will settle to a lower level than it currently is once you're here and living your new lives.

 

Good luck!

[Mims33]

Thank you all so much. Lovely to meet such lovely people :-)

 

The way hubby and I see it is we have nothing keep us here anymore, we have lived this life of constant stress and nastiness from my family, and even my husband has a tough relationship with his mum and it's got us down for years. The final straw was what my brother did to me, my husband and my child. I decided I had to get away but then I suffered agoraphobia and anxiety after what he did so I decided to forget moving for now. Now things are a bit better, and I really don't want to stay here with family close by, horrible memories and hurt of how I have been treated, I think I am ready to take that step. Some may say it's running away but it isn't, it's just we deserve a fresh start, we have been through hell in the last few years thanks to those that were supposed to love us. I hate seeing my children unhappy too. My friends and family I do have tell us to get away from here, fresh start and never come back because we deserve happiness. My family have made my 34 years hell and i need this move, I just have to tell my anxiety to bugger off and let me do it because it can't be as bad as staying here and feeling as alone and anxious as I do everytime I have to see family.

 

Also my husband is a Quantity Surveyor and he has been having a tough time here work wise the last 5 years. He can't seem to get jobs that last more than 2 years and it's getting him down and stressed as he knows friends of his have given up on the UK and moved to Australia and have 10 year contracts. It is also his dream to live there and I really want to give him that because he deserves it, he has been my rock the last 20 months when I couldn't go out and was so anxious.

 

My daughters friend from school moved to Adelaide 2 years ago and they love it, they won't be coming home they have said. We talk to them on Skype often and they are so happy out there. I have cousins in Brisbane and friends in Perth that i went to school with. Adelaide just jumps out to us as a lovely place to bring up children.

 

We haven't applied for anything as yet, we are eligible for a visa, my husband has looked into it plenty ;-) I guess we have little to lose by just going for it.

 

Thanks again everyone, your replies made me smile and almost feel excited about this ;-)

[sinob]

Hi there!

I agree with what everyone else has said - life is too short.

With regards to the anxiety, you don't have to suffer alone. I'm not suggesting medication at all, but maybe counselling? You've been through a lot. Also counselling can give you coping strategies for the anxiety. From personal experience, sometimes the fear of anxiety is worse than the anxiety itself!

[Mims33]

Thanks Sinob

 

I'm on medication, have had some counselling last year to talk it out and now having CBT to help with the anxiety and the way I think about things. Not sure meds are helping but the CBT has helped alot.

 

I agree, worrying about things, worrying about the anxiety and panic is much worse than the actual events.

[candt]

You are so brave to write it all on here. I've been there too, I had a lot of awful thing happen in a short space of time and the result was anxiety! Its horrible, I couldn't sleep, eat, kept feeling sick and lost a lot of weight. I felt scared the whole time.

 

My husbands dream was moving to Australia so when he got a job and it all became real, I had to think about how I was going to handle it. I hate flying too!

 

I went to see a councillor, got tablets off the doctor and it all made me worse!

So I stopped taking the tablets,( I'm not advising that is the best option, for everyone) but they made me alert and unable to sleep, I stopped seeing the councillor, I visited him one day in my worst state of anxiety and he didn't have the answers. Instead I got some sleeping tablets from the pharmacy ( non prescription) had a couple of good nights sleep. That made me feel so much better, then I got my appetite back.

 

I decided to look to the future instead of sitting in the past, my husband and family mean the world to me, so I focus on them.

We fly over in 3 weeks, sure I'm nervous but my head is so full of arrangements for the move, that I don't have time to focus on the things that make me anxious.

As for the flying, I'm just going to think about finding our dream home while I'm on the plane and our new life in the lucky country.

 

Good luck to you and your family, just go for it :-) don't let anxiety win.

[KennyKen]

Like I keep saying "YOLO" it.

[Mims33]

Thank you for your kind reply.

 

I do think living there would be the fresh start I need, we all need. I just wish I could push through this and say so what anxiety, you can come with me.

 

Wow, that's amazing. You should be so proud of yourself. I hope all goes well for you :-) :-)

 

You are so brave to write it all on here. I've been there too, I had a lot of awful thing happen in a short space of time and the result was anxiety! Its horrible, I couldn't sleep, eat, kept feeling sick and lost a lot of weight. I felt scared the whole time.

 

My husbands dream was moving to Australia so when he got a job and it all became real, I had to think about how I was going to handle it. I hate flying too!

 

I went to see a councillor, got tablets off the doctor and it all made me worse!

So I stopped taking the tablets,( I'm not advising that is the best option, for everyone) but they made me alert and unable to sleep, I stopped seeing the councillor, I visited him one day in my worst state of anxiety and he didn't have the answers. Instead I got some sleeping tablets from the pharmacy ( non prescription) had a couple of good nights sleep. That made me feel so much better, then I got my appetite back.

 

I decided to look to the future instead of sitting in the past, my husband and family mean the world to me, so I focus on them.

We fly over in 3 weeks, sure I'm nervous but my head is so full of arrangements for the move, that I don't have time to focus on the things that make me anxious.

As for the flying, I'm just going to think about finding our dream home while I'm on the plane and our new life in the lucky country.

 

Good luck to you and your family, just go for it :-) don't let anxiety win.