Guest ajwilko

homesick

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    Guest ajwilko

    hey guys. well been here about 4 months now and still feel homesick. not sure on wether to go back home. my bf doesnt but i still miss home soo much, does it get ne easier?? we have jobs and r looking for a place, staying with his dad at the mo, but oz doesnt seem that fanatstic. i love having the beach and having stuff to do all the time and most things r chepaer but am still stuggling. sorry just need some advice how long does it take to settle?? thanx

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    all I can say how long is a piece of string!

     

    It really depends on your individual situation. I think you have to try and get involved in all the stuff you like gym , sports or other hobbies and socialise etc.

     

    We have been here 4mths also but I have the kids and that helps as you can meet people at playgroups etc. I am sure there will be stuff for you to do and maybe once your in your own place things will be easier as it probably feels like your just on hols at the moment.

     

    If you tell us a bit about yourself and where your staying I am sure people on here wil be able to help.

     

    Try not to think contstanly of the UK and think of the future you want in Adelaide if thats what you want if not talk about it and if you have tried everything then maybe look at going back if thats what you want.

     

    wishing best of luck

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    Guest ajwilko

    yea i think its more of we dont know where to start. its so so different here compared to what i am used to. we are now living at west lakes and thinking we will prob stay around the area as it is v nice. thnx for the advice i do think about the uk alot and it does still feel like a hol, missing all freinds and family. but i think ur rite not to do that.

    its just tuff and hard not to. i think we miss the socialising the most as we dont no many people here either.

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    I am further down south but heard west lakes is good.

    Do they have a SLSC as they usually have stuff going on down there.

     

    I am sure things will improve for you just need to decide what you want to do. Try surfing take up lessons or bike riding etc the list is endless there are clubs for just about everything.

     

    Good luck

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    took me a good 18 months+, it does get easier as things become more familiar and you develop new routines.

     

    If you want to, hang in there and it will get better. There is a ladies lunch in Glenelg in a few weeks, are you going on that? good way to meet people and you may stay in touch with some of them. Keep checking out the social section for things that may suit you.

     

    Don't think of being here as forever, simply take each day as it comes, that makes it easier and less scary I think.

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    Guest ajwilko

    yea i may try that thanx. yea trying to look at it that way and take each day as it comes !!

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    Guest Stacey

    Hi

     

    It is really hard when you move here becoming familiar with everything and sorting everything out, you are pretty much starting again. I agree with Foxychick that it took me a good 12-18 months to feel settled and to be in a routine.

     

    Things start to become familiar and you get to the point where you aren't looking around at things anymore because it's just "home". You know the kind of thing where you drive home but don't actually remember driving passed things cause you are that familiar with your route (not that I am an absent minded driver lol!!)!!

     

    This site is fantastic and everyone is so friendly and helpful there are always meet ups and events going on, try and get involved where you can cause you will probably meet a lot of people feeling the same as you and having the same doubts and questions.

     

    After all your effort to get here and all the work you have put in to make a new life I would give it at least 12-18 months to see how you go and how you feel then..you may find you feel completely different and at least you can then say you gave it a good shot and know it isn't for you.

     

    Good luck

     

    Best wishes

     

    Stacey

    x

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    ((((ajwilko)))) hugs first!!

     

    Do you have family here, is that what you mean by your post, you are staying with your bf's dad? Is he Aussie or another English migrant?

     

    Have sympathy for you, my homesick experience has been a bit weird. Not obviously missing UK at all, just at times, things have seemed hard (we do have children, and we do have more family around us here than we ever had in UK cos we didnt live near my family and all DH's family are in Adelaide as he was born here and only came to the UK 10 years ago).

     

    Even with all our family around us we have still missed little things or just felt like throwing it all in when times were hard or we felt a bit put out about family sometimes - but knowing we won't and can't for different complicated reasons, we know we are definitely meant to be here. Doesn't make it easy tho and I can really really see your point of view.

     

    IMHO materially and all those other things, Australia may well be a better place for all of us. But I think moving countries is a really really big thing and superficial reasons can get us here, and keep us here for a while - but for it to work, there has to be a deeper satisfaction and reason for staying.

     

    I think Michelle you are right - what we have to do is to get out and do the things we like to do to meet people and eventually make friends.

     

    Isn't making new friends hard? I mean, its easy to meet new people, and not that hard to have chats, etc, even arrange to see people for coffee. But to make new friendships that are in time going to grow into the equivalents of those we had at home- that takes a fair bit of hard work and its easy to feel discouraged. Especially when we start from a base level of knowing absolutely no-one (which thankfully was not the case with us, but I think that came with other issues).

     

    Take us for example - we have loads of friends in Adelaide that DH left behind when he moved to England, and we have stayed in touch with most of them (because of how school / uni tends to work here as opposed to England, most of those friends were from his school days) and I have met them and got to know them over our 10 years of marriage so far.

     

    But for us to move here, it has been hard work because all the time we have been gone, they have understandably closed up the gap, got on with their lives and we can't just expect to slot back in. They have their things they do with the people they normally do them with! We have gradually got back up to speed with them but meeting new people has been similar - you get to a certain level on meeting people, but they already do have their family and social network and it takes a while for you to naturally become part of theirs. Occasionally we hit it off amazingly with someone and it goes from 0-60 in ten seconds and for those flash friendships I have been really grateful.

     

    Of course the hard thing with family is that just as friends close up the gap quite naturally, so do family. So we have had to try to get back up to speed with family in a new way as the dynamic changed too. I'd say 18mths in we are almost where we want to be with family, but it has taken a lot of effort and patience on our part. Finding ways to help people, visiting and going out of our way to help, sending casseroles when someone is ill, that sort of thing.

     

    I think in some ways having children makes it easier... and harder. In my darker moments I feel isolated and housebound, but on the other hand it is an easy way to connect with people at least at the first level of getting to know people. And it gives you more reason and opportunity to visit others / send them food etc.

     

    Just as an aside and the flip side of the coin - I remember when we were first married in the UK and we were formulating our plan for coming here. I was itching to move but DH didn't want to come back for a few years, because he still felt that he was settling in there. At first all our friends were 'my' friends and he felt displaced, like he was an addition to my life but hadn't made his own contacts. Gradually that changed over time and then we were meeting new people together and at some point our friends were more 'our' friends, 'my' friends and 'his' friends. I have heard it said that to settle and feel settled here can take around 3 years. I think it was actually about 3 years in the UK before Matthew felt it was really his home.

     

    Now of course coming back to Adelaide, he feels just like me except I think it is harder for him. He's come back to what he knows, but it isn't as he remembers it. We've changed in 10 years and so has Adelaide / family / friends. I am glad and grateful that we know our reason for being here, and can see objectively why we should and will stay, because like I said, even after 18mths there are still times of doubt and hardship, though thankfully they pass quicker and we have friends here and even family sometimes who we can tell how we are feeling. As long as you don't deny those feelings, and find a way to work through them, being honest and asking for help, making meaningful and 'real' friendships without the need to put a brave face on it, I am sure you will do really well. I think we are more likely to fail if we deny the feelings, because one day it will come crashing down like a house of cards.

     

    I hope I don't come across as pessimistic. Not trying to be, just trying to encourage you with understanding of how you are feeling, you are not alone, and the way you are feeling does not necessarily mean you will decide to go home. But if after time you feel you are truly better off in the UK, you shouldn't feel a failure either. You would know that you did it, were true to yourself and honest with yourself and others, and have made a balanced decision after giving it a go.

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    Guest ajwilko

    i think making friends and finding friends is the hardest part. my bf dad is a nother migrant to and coming here with no1 i no except my bf, as i had neva met his dad b4 moving out here is tough. i do enjoy it here most of the time lol, i think u r rite and we do need to go out and about more and meet people its just hard to no where to start, if that doesnt sound stupid. ive taken everyones advice on board and it has been a gr8 help. hopefully i will soon get to love it here like most people do, but i dont think it will eva be home, and the tv sucks here lol!!!!! i do miss my english soaps. but i spose its a blessing coz we try and find other stuff to do apart from watch tv lol

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    Hey,

     

    We have a meet arranged in Glenelg at the Watermark on 27th Feb form 7pm onwards....hopefully will be lots of newbies there to talk to!

     

    My number is in my sig if u ever fancy a beer another time.

     

    Dan

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    Guest mayjess

    Hi there

     

    I really feel for you, as that was me in 2006,I didnt settle at all, loved Adelaide, the beach etc etc but didnt slot in at all, cried everyday, in the end I talked my hubby & girls into coming bk the UK, I knew it was wrong as soon as i was on that plane, then we tried to settle in here in the uK,but we are heading bk to Adelaide in April, I have done tons of work on myself, CBT mainly (cognitive behaviour therapy) and now feel ready to give it a better shot, you say it can never be home, I disagree, you are not allowing it to be home, thats the difference. Change the way you are thinking and your feelings/behaviour will change, you are out of your comfort zone, which is good, go with the flow, face the challenges and you`l be ok in the end.

     

    I agree with the other posts, get out,and talk to ppl,if you treat ppl how you like to be treated, you cant go far wrong.

     

    Il be there in April if you need help with the homesickness, pm me anytime

     

    Mayjess

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    Poor You,

     

    Ive been here a year...............and having had just 1 good cry about being away from "home"...........i realised, Adelaide is my home, i chose it, and i am so very glad that i did.

     

    It isnt easy, no-one would suggest that it is, or that your feelings are unusual.........because they certainly are not that out of the ordinary, right guys??

     

    As mayjess says, it takes time and effort, how much really depends on you, and your bf!!

     

    I do hope you feel more "at home " soon.

     

    Jane

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    Guest cunnah10
    hey guys. well been here about 4 months now and still feel homesick. not sure on wether to go back home. my bf doesnt but i still miss home soo much, does it get ne easier?? we have jobs and r looking for a place, staying with his dad at the mo, but oz doesnt seem that fanatstic. i love having the beach and having stuff to do all the time and most things r chepaer but am still stuggling. sorry just need some advice how long does it take to settle?? thanx

    For some it is easy & they settle & love it from day one...but this is sadly not the case for all of us...Take it a day at a time ..I think this is the best way to deal with it & remember that nothing is set in stone & nothing is forever ... who knows what is ahead of any of us ! I hope you feel happier soon xx

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    Hiya

    I think it is different for everyone. It kind of frustrated me to hear of people settling straight away because I wanted that too and it didnt happen. I dont know exactly what did it, but it came around the 14 month mark and I think it may have Christmas/ New year time, when I realised we had a fabulous social life here and met many great people. Having a permanent job helps, but I think friends mainly make the difference.

    Dont throw the towell in just yet, it does take time. What you have done so far is just amazing.

     

    Good luck

    Carole

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    Guest mayjess

    I would love to start some kind of get together with help/advice for all of us who suffered/suffer homesickness, I would have loved a good network of friends who would have listened, not judged me or told me to sort myself out!

     

    I have my diploma in CBT which I dont mind using on new immigrants wanting to settle all in good time, it would be a free service just like a coffee morning type of setting.

     

    what do you think?

     

    Mayjess

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    Guest Langers

    My advice would be not to do anything drastic, too soon. We moved to Sydney in 2006 and struggled to settle, came home in 2008 and have regretted it every day. From my experience you look at the UK through rose tinted glasses whilst in oz and only remember the good points, forgetting why you moved there in the first place. We are now making plans to return this year (ASAP!!!). We have decided to try Adelaide this time as it seems much more family orientated.....if you can hang in there and stick with it..all the best

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    Guest cunnah10
    I would love to start some kind of get together with help/advice for all of us who suffered/suffer homesickness, I would have loved a good network of friends who would have listened, not judged me or told me to sort myself out!

     

    I have my diploma in CBT which I dont mind using on new immigrants wanting to settle all in good time, it would be a free service just like a coffee morning type of setting.

     

    what do you think?

     

    Mayjess

    I think that would be fantastic & so thoughtful of you Deb...I'm sure you would have a "full house" at each of these Coffee mornings...... When is the first one ???? xx

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    Guest cunnah10
    My advice would be not to do anything drastic, too soon. We moved to Sydney in 2006 and struggled to settle, came home in 2008 and have regretted it every day. From my experience you look at the UK through rose tinted glasses whilst in oz and only remember the good points, forgetting why you moved there in the first place. We are now making plans to return this year (ASAP!!!). We have decided to try Adelaide this time as it seems much more family orientated.....if you can hang in there and stick with it..all the best

    I can so RELATE to this .... & totally agree!!

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    Guest kangomik

    It is difficult, and affects people in different ways. I guess it's all about effort and making plenty of it.

    When you have that circle of friends like you had in the UK things were easy and just a phone call or two had the weekend sorted.

    Here they do different things to begin with, so you have to find something you enjoy doing, or think you might and find a circle of friends around that.

     

    I guess it's back to the old saying "Accept every invitation, no matter how small".

     

    It does take a while, and a long while for some, but i hope you get over the feelings soon:wubclub:

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    It is difficult, and affects people in different ways. I guess it's all about effort and making plenty of it.

    When you have that circle of friends like you had in the UK things were easy and just a phone call or two had the weekend sorted.

    Here they do different things to begin with, so you have to find something you enjoy doing, or think you might and find a circle of friends around that.

     

    I guess it's back to the old saying "Accept every invitation, no matter how small".

     

    It does take a while, and a long while for some, but i hope you get over the feelings soon:wubclub:

     

    You are right, it does seem slightly different, and I am not quite sure exactly how, haven't put my finger on it... In some ways over the past 10 years of being married to an Australian there have been subtle cultural differences we've discovered and found interesting, and had to either of us do something slightly differently.

     

    I can't really compare neighbourhood behaviour here because my street in England was a lovely old fashioned terraced street in Norwich, where many of the residents had lived there for 50 years, some of us moved in and embraced the "each others' washing lines" type community sharing, and they still knocked on the door collecting when someone in the street died - and everyone watched as you got in your car to get married... So I know many streets are not like that any more anywhere, never mind here. It was close to town though so we would bump into people on foot a lot more.

     

    But I thought I'd make an effort to get to know the Avon lady this week - had to make a big effort to find some stuff in the catalogue to order, but just saw her with her daughter etc collecting the catalogues and she seemed nice so I thought I'd make an effort - she's an Indian migrant I think.

     

    Anyway she's just phoned... turns out she lives in my street about 5 or 6 houses down - I didnt know, and I've had to order Avon to find it out! I will probably have to keep ordering Avon to get to know her a bit. Found putting an order together from the last one hard enough! Made sure I kept something back for next time though :)

     

    Meanwhile last year I needed to do stacks of launderette washing and knew my next door neighbours were in - I needed change - but I couldn't make them hear because their door didnt even have a bell... They always say hello when we see them, but because of course what most people do is get straight in their car and go somewhere, you don't get the stopping on foot business very often.

     

    Thankfully we have a foodland in our street, or just off it, so we do occasionally bump into neighbours there, and we've been in this house a year and are gradually having more conversation with people past the first few pleasantries.

     

    So you are completely right, kangomick, I hadn't heard that saying before, but I'd even stretch it to even being prepared to order Avon if it gets you a conversation with a neighbour...!

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    Guest mayjess
    I think that would be fantastic & so thoughtful of you Deb...I'm sure you would have a "full house" at each of these Coffee mornings...... When is the first one ???? xx

     

    Hi Gill

     

    Soon as I have a house to live in haha, I dont mind starting it off, it will have to fit round me when Im hopefully working, but I have no probs sharing my CBT stuff and having some laughs with like minded ppl.

     

    Mayjess

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    Home is always where the heart is. However get on the internet and watch some local news on the net from where you came from. Then watch the news from London, then you will hopefully swallow the home sickness and bare with it.

    I still miss home but have not forgot why I came here.

    Balance and for everything else there is a Corona.

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    I dnt suffer from homsesicknes i get down and teary when i think about the peolple i have left behind, them being my mum....and my sister but the hardest piece of living here is missing my little boy back in the UK...Ryan he would be 12 now and i do talk to him quite regular.

     

     

    but i can tell you this its the hardest thing i have to do....i am a big mess of tears after i have spoken to him....but then when i dnt speak to him i beat myself up....its so hard...

     

    We have settled here and this IS home its just those 3 things that affect me more than anything else about living here.

     

    HG

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    Guest cunnah10
    I dnt suffer from homsesicknes i get down and teary when i think about the peolple i have left behind, them being my mum....and my sister but the hardest piece of living here is missing my little boy back in the UK...Ryan he would be 12 now and i do talk to him quite regular.

     

     

    but i can tell you this its the hardest thing i have to do....i am a big mess of tears after i have spoken to him....but then when i dnt speak to him i beat myself up....its so hard...

     

    We have settled here and this IS home its just those 3 things that affect me more than anything else about living here.

     

    HG

    didn't realie that you had a 12yr old son in the uk still... we have a 22yr old with our 2 grandaughters & that is hard enough...it must be SO hard for you & you are very brave to do what you have done!!!!!

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