Guest Drumms

Funny post on British Expats!

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    Guest Drumms

    Not sure how many of you have seen this. First the OP on their reasons for not coming to Australia. Then a response from a poster. Made me giggle!


    Original Post:

    I've been in Melbourne two months, my experiences:


    1. Customs & Excise charge the earth for inspection and do not do their job. They are trying to charge me $850 for destroying a plastic bucket that they say contains "traces of chemicals" - it's detergent you morons!!


    2. Job agents are the worst I have ever encountered, bad manners is just one of their traits.


    3. Tram inspectors behave like The Gestapo and are racist, they bully old people and are afraid of youths who DO evade paying.


    4. The train operators cannot even gets their clocks in synch let alone run a service!


    5. An internet connection is the most expensive of any of the 6 countries I have lived in.


    6. The Govt allow a duopoly for the supermarkets, therefore any item is twice the price it should be.


    7. Every public official I have had to deal with wants money to do their job.


    And I haven't even started on the cost to live here....



    Australia - great place to holiday a nightmare to live, I'm off and so is my taxable income.


    Posters Response:


    May I suggest that you fly home B.A. ?


    They have a great reputation. Here's a cut and paste from their latest company promotion......


    G'Day ladies and gentlemen and welcome aboard B.A.'s ( Boomerang Airways ), direct flight from ****ville to Ukopia.


    Please refrain from shouts of "Oh ****ing hell, fank ****ing gawd we're ****ing out of that ****ing place", until the pilot has advised that the aircraft is out of Australian airspace.


    Please be advised that all our toilets are fitted with smoke detectors and the burning of Australian passports in the toilets is a federal offence. If any of our guests have a pressing need to destroy documentation, please contact the cabin crew who can provide a shredder for your convienience.


    As soon as we reach cruising altitude the cabin staff will be serving refreshments. A fine selection of real beers, with Irn Bru and Tizer for those who have been away from the homeland for an extended period, and are having trouble getting back into the habit of getting totally legless on international flights.


    Once drinks have been served we will be serving dinner. Real fish and chips, with a compote of real mushy peas and a side serve of HP sauce Jus with brown vinegar highlights. (The aircraft's air conditioning system prevents us from serving neat brown vinegar as it effects the head on the real beer ).


    International fire safety regulations prevent us from serving this delicacy in it's traditional exotic newspaper wrapping but BA are happy to serve it on paper plates with real plastic knives and forks, to make you feel more at home.


    Our in flight movie's will be Zulu, Tunes of Glory, The Dam Busters and Mrs. Brown. Audio channels will provide the listener with an extensive collection of recordings from The last night of the Proms.


    In the morning a real egg and bacon butty will be served, with real fatty bacon on real white bread. Those passengers who are travelling in first and business class will find that the crusts have already been removed for their convienience, and they will also have a choice of individual HP or Heinz tomato ketchup sachets.


    Before landing, a complimentary 'Welcome Home' kit will be issued, it contains a plastic mac, a disposable scraper for removing chewing gum and dogggy poo from shoes and a selection of popular welfare benefit forms.


    Once we land, you will once again be back in God's own country and obviously in no further need of this airline's services, so we thank you for flying BA and watch out for the ice out there, apparently it's deadly.


    For those of traveling on to other destinations, we wish to advise that due to inclement weather, ours was the last flight able to land and the airport is now closed. The roads are also impassable and all rail services are apparently having severe delays due to snow on the rails.........welcome home



    (if you want to follow the post - heres the link - Don't Come to Australia : British Expat Discussion Forum )

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    Guest allie

    lol cant believe the OP!! sounds like someone has had a good old moan!


    ......but i must say that the mere mention of irn bru would be enough to get my OH on that flight (well maybe not!):biglaugh::biglaugh:

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    I love the way is goes totally off-topic and turns into a rant against whether the Welsh are a race or not! The dark side indeed!!

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