Guest maybeoz

I want to emigrate OH doesn't ...

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    Guest maybeoz

    Feeling depressed today and as its emigration related I thought I would share my reasons as there may well be one or two members here who are / have been in the same position as me right now.

    About 6 years ago, after lots of discussions led by me about emigrating, we visited an emigration show and found out that OHs profession (General Electrician) was needed in SA and so decided to apply for a State visa.

    At this point I must point out that emigrating has always been my idea and passion, OH has never truly been keen of the idea – he is a very wary person who finds making big decisions very difficult, instead he’d rather err on the side of caution and not take any risks.

    Anyway, he reluctantly went along with the idea but was already starting to drag his feet over the whole thing.

    To get things moving I wrote up his TRA application myself, gaining info online etc, and he just read through it afterwards as I wanted to make sure I hadn't missed anything out! We passed the TRA but it then took another 6 months of me nagging and using my best powers of persuasion to get him to complete the visa papers for the emigration agent.

    In the meantime, we discovered that Electricians had be added to the MODL so I suggested that we consider Perth as a destination as OH has relatives there and they could help us settle and find work etc which did seem to get him mildly interested. So, all forms finally filled out, we sent off the 136 application in March 2007.

    CO appointed and then medicals requested in July 2008. There was a lot of worry over the medicals as our middle son had been suffering from a heart condition (thankfully he now seems to have grown out of it) and hubby turned out to have ‘white coat syndrome’ so his blood pressure went through the roof during the meds, which meant everything has to be put on hold again until he could get three ‘normal’ readings by going backwards and forwards to our GP; who finally put him on BetaBlockers for a few weeks so he could get a normal reading!!

    Finally hubby got the all clear on his blood pressure and as a bonus our son was discharged from the Paediatricians/Cardiologists for his heart condition so this info could be added to the medical and all the paperwork finally went off.

    Then on 8th January 2008 that golden email arrived saying our visa has been granted – I cried tears of triumph and relief ..... hubby just shrugged ... We had until September 2008 to get the visas validated so we decided to go for a hols to Perth and in July 2008 we left for a 3 weeks reccie.

    I have to say, Perth was definitely not for us. Despite my longing for emigration even I couldn’t get enthusiastic about WA. I know we went at the wrong time of year (3 weeks of torrential rain and cold accommodation like we haven't even experienced in the UK!). We cannot wait go back for a summer holiday but, for lots of reasons, WA wouldn’t be our choice of a place to emigrate to.

    I came home a little disheartened and sadly Perth had given hubby plenty of reasons why emigration was not the right thing to do :sad:

    Ultimately one thing we do agree on is that if we ever do go it would have to be somewhere other than WA. We have researched South Aus again, this time maybe Melbourne or back to our original destination choice; Adelaide.

    Sadly on a personal front while all the emigration saga has been going on our family has suffered too tragedies; OHs brother was diagnosed with cancer and died three years ago aged only 45 and last July I suddenly lost my Dad to a massive heart attack.

    In my case this has put a whole new slant on emigrating as I would be leaving my mum behind, something I am finding very hard to get my head around at the moment. In turn, although OH isn’t particularly close to his parents, he feels duty bound not to leave the UK as he is their only remaining son.

    One positive thing I have learnt from all of this heartache though is how important it is to seize the day; you never know what lies around the corner.

    Each day that comes and goes the dream of emigrating is fading away. We just exist here in the UK - due to the recession hubby has been struggling to find work for a few years now and I have five part-time jobs to fit around the kids’ school times and school holidays.

    I know in my heart that the move would be good for the boys and, I hope, good for us all as a family and I wish more than anything that OH would take the plunge and throw caution to the wind. I want us to live, not merely exist!

    Thanks for letting me get that off my chest!

    K

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    Thank you for such a personal post.

     

    I think that there may be many partners in the same situation. My OH has had periods of regret about the move here but overall it's been positive.

    In my business I meet many families and you really need to support each other to make it work. I think that a reccie to Adelaide might be a good idea (in Summer!) so that you can both make the decision either way. If you don't there will always be the "what if" and a lot of resentment when your UK life takes it's twists and turns as it inevitably does.

    I have recently met a few families who have moved back and forth beween the UK (derisively called the "ping pong Poms") and to be very honest it does take an enormous amount of partner co-operation to make it work.

    When my OH has one of his 'wobbles" and hits an Adelaide low, he still admits that he's here for the children and although his present life at that moment might not be as good as the one he left behind...the decision to move here was still the right one for the family.

     

    I really hope that it all works out.

    Take care.

     

    Tamara

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    Guest guest569

    I would say go for it and think of it as a 4 year adventure to avoid the UK recession . At the end of the 4 years get your dual citizenship for the whole family. If your not liking it go back. You would have given your kids the oppertunity to return if they feel like it when they are older. Hopefully during the 4 years you would have grown to love Adelaide and would all stay.

    Just my opinion of course.:cute:

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    It is difficult , but I agree ask your husband if he would be willing to come for say two years at least and then if it was ok another two to get citizenship. Just sell it as moving for work reasons, lots of people live overseas for a while for work and then go back home. The expats are alive and kicking in many countries. The warmer weather would be great for your parents and they could come and stay during our summer, escaping the worst of the cold weather. Australia still seems such a long way away for many people, but so did Spain 40 years ago. It's only 24 hours away.

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    If it helps at all, this wadn't my dream either.I was perfectly happy in Tonbridge - nice home, happy kids, beautiful area etc but My OH was keen to come out. I just went with the flow, let him do all the visa stuff (although I did take a few papers to the solicitors for him lol) and had faith that it would all work out because our strength is in our strong family.

     

    And it all worked out for us didn't it?! :cute: perhaps your OH could do it for you but without seeing it necessarily as a 'forever move'. You know,keep the house, follow your dreams and enjoy it as an experience for a while. If it works, stay...if not, what have you lost? The kids will learn that they can do anything, you will find out if it's as good as you believe and OH might not feel so worried. I mean, people take time out from their 'normal' lives to go on journeys with the kids: why can't you?

     

    But if he's really against it, at the end of the day this is just a place (:shocked:) and it is still life which is what we make it. Isn't it?

     

    Much love,

    LC

    Just remembered...a few years ago we made friends with the nicest family. It was his dream not hers but his wife thought she could do it for him. As it happens, she couldn't and despite finding a lovely home, great jobs, schools etc she told him she would have to go back. This was everything he'd dreamed of but he loved his wife more so approximately six months after getting here, they were on their way back to the UK.

    Haven't helped much, have I? :sad:

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    Guest kangomik

    WOW that post grabs you.:embarrassed:

     

    I have a theory in life, theres a million reasons why not to do something, you only need one to do it.:skeptical:

     

    To "make" him come would make things really hard, but could just be the kick up the backside needed for a change.

     

    He would have to resit his quals here,:sad: but apart from that if he is good at his job he should manage really well.

    The boys may just love it!:jiggy:

     

    Thanks for sharing the post with us, that took some guts.

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    How frustrating it must feel for you. I agree that it's a good idea to come to Adelaide for a holiday "with a view" as your first step. But I'd say that although the idea of giving it a go for an agreed time is a good one, even 2 years would be long (and could be detrimental to your family) if your husband doesn't want to do it. Even with half our family here, and half in the UK (we are an ENglish / Australian couple) there have been such testing times that we have struggled as a family unit and had really hard times. And that is without either of us having had doubts in the first place - something that I think could be a weakness in terms of unity (ie if one feels co-erced / talked into it)even in the strongest of marriages.

     

    I think it's easy when we want to do something to underestimate its effect on our family / children - I know cos I did. I underestimated its effect on the children, partly because they knew their family here (most of them they'd met in person) and we settled in, practically speaking, REALLY easily. It was all done and sorted for us house-wise before we got here. Furniture, food, the lot. A few weeks in we sent our son to school earlier than we'd intended cos all seemed so well. But I have to admit that even a year in, we really could see our children had different ways of dealing with the move and it affected them differently at different ages / stages. It's taken 2 years to finally see us all established (and I've finally stopped my 'Australia tantrums' as I laughingly call them!!!! - and I wanted to come here probably more than my husband wanted to move back home!!). Both keen but I was the motivator. And I have found it hard enough even with that determination.

     

    What I am saying is, it is really hard to do, worth it if you want to make it work but I'd say you have to both want to make it work. Unless I suppose if you have enough money to call it a 2 year holiday or something -but I think the "we're still able to go home" thoughts might well prevent you all from settling down so that may not help it feel like home.

     

    I am sure I haven't been encouraging, or much help. Sorry!!! Just saying, take your husband's reservations seriously (I can see you are, and you are in turmoil over it - it's such a long process you've been through getting the visa) and if you come you need to recognise that his lack of motivation / determination for it may cause you both a great deal of stress in the harder times. ((((((hugs))))))

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    Guest guest569

    Its a very testing thing to do. I'm sure we all will agree there !!!

    How many on here actually came with both husband and wife wanting it just as bad ?? Isn't it always one person dream and as a unit give it a go and see how thing progress ??? I know with us it was my dream and my wife was devastated at leaving her parents. within 3 months i could have easily got back on a plane to the Uk where as my wife loved it from day one !!! And so did my kids !!! So i spent the first 2 years struggling thinking i made my bed so i had to lie in it !!!

    5 years on i love it !!!

    Good luck.

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    The one thing I will say (about the parents and family thing) is that we do have to recognise we can't live our lives purely for other people. And maybe moving will help release your husband from that pressure - that either he's putting himself under, or they are doing to him however unintentionally.

     

    I had so much guilt about leaving mine, and my wobbles here have been when things have gone wrong for my family in the UK (sister. parents, nephews) and I can't help them because I am here and not there. That's the hardest thing family-wise. Support becomes moral support only although there's still a lot to be said for that.

     

    Still though my parents have also recognised that despite their immense sadness we need to do what is right for our family. But you have to be in the right frame of mind for that in the first place. Hopefully your husband's family will release him emotionally to come and that will help. Also providing the money's there (or gettable) the thing about the distance is that it's only "a day away". 24 hrs and you can be there. It's an expensive uncomfortable 24 hrs but if there's a family emergency, you can ALMOST be there as quick as if you live in different parts of the UK and can't just automatically drop EVERYTHING to be somewhere.

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    Reading the above replies I agree with much of what has been said. It must be so difficult for you given the situation.

     

    A few things I'll chime in with...

     

    I agree with not living your lives or holding back because of guilt (or whatever other emotion) related to leaving your families. Perhaps I am lucky but I've never had this issue when living overseas. I was able to move quite happily and would make a trip back as and when I could afford it to see people, and this was in the days before internet/Skype and cheap phone calls. It was letters and one phone call a month or so :o I also have parents who are extremely understanding of the choices I've made in my life and who have always been the first ones to say that while they would miss us, mainly their grandson terribly they would not want us to remain in the UK out of any loyalty to them or any guilty feelings. They appreciate that in the long term, like yourselves, our prospects are so much better back in Australia and they support our moving back there fully.

     

    I know its difficult but try to get a handle on your feelings and hopefully you will also have a supportive Mum and other relatives who while very sad to see you go will support you and not make you feel bad about leaving.

     

    Next, does your hubby see your POV about why you want to move? Does he understand about prospects for his work, that you may not need to have to do 5 part time jobs and could perhaps find a single job and be around more for the kids and all that? What does he feel is important to a good family life? What are his priorities? If they are so different from your own then he'll need a lot of convincing by the sounds of it. If they are not so far from yours, then hopefully he can see your line of thought in terms of potentially how benificial this move could be to your entire family and lifestyle.

     

    I'm all for giving things a go. As has been said, make the move, agree to 2 years with a view to 4 and just see how it goes. If things are working out and after a few years you realise it isn't for you all then you can always come back. On the other hand you may find you love it and never want to return and home is Australia all the way. I think your hubby needs to commit fully to a move for it to work, being half hearted isn't going to help any.

     

    I know one evening I sat and cried and poured my heart out to my husband, not about our move to Adelaide as we are both on the same page there, but about something else very important to me and was amazed at his reaction. He hadn't realised how I felt about it and once he did he did everything in his power to try to make changes for us as he feels that we can't be truly happy as a family if one of us is unhappy in such a big way. It made him happy to be able to know that he was able to help me and supported me fully in my decisions. OK, sometimes a partner really can't support *everything* you want to do but if its something that could impact and possibly improve the lives of everyone in your family, then in my book move heaven and earth to make it happen. Its not just about living an existance, I understand that. I kind of feel I am exisiting here where we are living in the UK, even though we are happy and know our move will happen. But till then I am counting down the days and doing my best to make use of our time here and enjoying it.

     

    OK, I went off track there. Ummm. More thoughts later.

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    Guest Andyoo

    Stop dragging your feet mate,we left Eccles Manchester in 78 to come here,back in 84 ,returned in 85,Ive threatened my wife that I will have her committed if she even thinks about going back again ,even for a holiday.The tudor style Worsley stunk of curries,Eccles itself had boarded shop windows,I was told it was for security purposes, and it was like living in a 3rd country.

    Our Govt seem to be acting as the UK is at the present,LIKE IDIOTS letting so called refugees come in by the boat load.but you are better off with the kids missing out on nothing

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    Guest moonraker1959

    I always find it helpful to put yourself in the other persons shoes.If for example you had moved to Australia years ago,you were quite happy,had your family ect in Australia and life was ticking away fairly happily.and then your OH announced he was'nt happy and wanted to live in the UK,would you be willing to sacrifice your own happiness to make him happy?Have you held a family meeting about this move?I know you've validated ect but maybe its time to have a family discussion about where you all want to be?If your OH gets out voted,then maybe its time he atleast gave it his best shot in Australia.I appreciate you're in a difficult situation.If you do end up moving,like everyone has said,give it a time limit.Don't burn all the bridges,and that way either way,you'll win.Best of luck hon,and I hope whatever you decided to do works out really well for you.xx

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    Remember - it's only a day's travel away ! Recently my father was taken ill - we had been back to the UK in 2007 & 2009, so felt that we couldn't afford both the time or expense of going back to the UK. Fortunately he is fine now, and has supported us all the way in our decision to come to Australia.

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