Guest Madge

Sick Parent back in the UK-Elderly Parents the guilt the stress

    Recommended Posts

    Guest Madge

    Hi

     

    I am a newbie here so please be gentle, I also wasn't sure where to post this so apologies if I should have put it elsewhere.

     

    I am really after some support from others who have been in a similar situation.

     

    My dad is currently in hospital in the uk he is in his late 80's and in shocking health, this is his second admission this month. My mum is 79 and fairly fit but dosent cope well without dad around. At this stage I don't think his illness is life threatening but at that age who knows.

     

    I am just trying to cope with the stress of remotely managing them, my sister is in the UK but is a fair distance from them. I call mum everyday but still feel tremendous guilt that I am not there to help out

     

    How do I make the decision of when/if I should go back to see them? I dont want to go too early and end up having to go again. My DH is keen for me to go by myself when I decide the time is right but I feel that my two children aged 5 and half and 2 and a half are too little to be left without me but can also see that taking them isnt really the best option. Has anyone left their children to do a mercy dash home, how long did you go for?

     

    Anyone?

    Share this post


    Link to post
    Share on other sites
    Guest Nick11

    Sorry can't help...some folk I know went straight away..some left it it for a while and then went...others waited til it was too late.

    If only we had a crystal ball to tell us.

    My sympathies go out to you...you are caught between the devil and the deep blue sea.

    Share this post


    Link to post
    Share on other sites
    Guest MrsHills

    I actually discussed this with my parents (who are roughly the same age as yours), they both said, if they are too poorly, dont go as they dont want to be remembered like that, dont go with the intention of staying until they die, as they may go on for a while, and you can bet your bottom dollar when you get on the plane to come home it will be the day they do die! and they both said, why would you go for the funeral, is it to impress people into saying 'oh what a wonderful daughter/son they are coming all this way to the funeral!! (these are ALL my parents words not mine!!) I KNOW when the time comes and mine are ill/dying I will be going through the same feelings sick with worry/guilt that I'm not there. So sorry no help whatsoever, but my thoughts are with you and do what YOU think is best!!

    Share this post


    Link to post
    Share on other sites

    Could you make a trip back with your youngest and leave the 5 and a half year old with your OH? The reason I say this is that my Dad has always said "don't fly home for my funeral because I wouldn't know you were there anyway!" so if you went now, your Dad and your Mum would have your support when they need it, and your baby being there may actually help take your Mum's mind off the stress and worry about your Dad.

     

    Not a pleasant situation all round, and I really feel for you, having parents of a similar age - it's something I dread.

    Share this post


    Link to post
    Share on other sites

    When my Dad was ill I had to make a simular descision, I wanted to wait till July time but my hubby talked me into going sooner (Feb) so that I could spend quality time with my Dad before he got too bad. As it was, he was bedridden. I was so pleased I went earlier as he died in the May. I didnt go back for the funeral as funds just wouldnt allow me to. I took my 2 younger children aged 3 and 1 with me as my Dad had never met the younger one, and left the older ones here with their Dad, they were 5 and 8. I was gone for 4 weeks but felt that it was too long away from my other children, I think 2 weeks would have been enough.

    Share this post


    Link to post
    Share on other sites

    I think only you can decide on what time os the best and wgo if anybidy should go with you.

     

     

    I feel for you at this bad time....and hope it all turns out as well as can be expected...

     

    HG

    Share this post


    Link to post
    Share on other sites

    When you THE CALL its bloody awful my mrs wenbt back for here nephews ( 18 ) funeral its when that stuff happens is when youe realise how far away you really are..thankfully we have a great circle of friends whom are mnore like family know...they helped us heaps and continue to do so....ther same goes both ways....

     

    The guys on here are very friendly and helpfull just holla if you need anything.

     

     

    HG

    Share this post


    Link to post
    Share on other sites
    It has to be the worst part about being so far away.

     

    Too true. I'm an only child with a single parent so I imagine it will be quick difficult as my mum gets older. We're going to need to plan ahead, and I'm just grateful we're at least 10 years off, fingers crossed, getting to the point where she may not be independent. My sympathies....I'd be going when my mom was ill and then would have to go for an extended period to finalise the estate.

    Share this post


    Link to post
    Share on other sites
    Guest moonraker1959

    Firstly I do hope your Dad will be ok,must be very worrying for you.I'm in a similar situation as you,except my Mum is in Adelaide and I'm her only sibling in the UK.I've come to realise that you cannot live your life on a guilt trip.My Mum is'nt in the best of health,and my sister told me a few days ago that Mum won't be around much longer.For one she does'nt know that for a fact,my Mum does have health issues but she is in a reasonable condition,and for all we know,she could be around for a few more years yet!Whatever happens with your Dad,whether you're with him or not,you would of made the best decision for yourself,at that time ok?There is never going to be an ideal time.Not sure what age you are,but I am nearly 50,and yes its a worrying time re our parents,due to their age group.I am concerned about my Mum,but I don't sit here stressing everyday.What will happen,will happen,regardless of how much worrying I do/don't do.Re your kids,I am guessing you would'nt be gone too long,should you need to go,so please rest assure that with your husbands help,they will be fine,and you may be able to speak to them via skype anyway.

    Share this post


    Link to post
    Share on other sites
    Guest cornish Busdriver

    I know exactly how you feel and what ya going through.

    My mum last year ended up in hospital with water on the lungs and then had a heart attack.

    She said a few months before when she was here that never to go back to the UK again if something ever happend to her as she would prefer me to remember her as she was here.

    Luckly she got over it ok and now on some sort of medication and already planning her next trip back out here when i buy my own place.

    I know it must be frustrating not being there as i wanted so bad to go back and see her but held to the promice i made her about not going back, luckly though i do have a lot of family and friends back there who all kept me informed and still keeps an eye on her for me.

    Share this post


    Link to post
    Share on other sites

    I know exactly how you feel - my dad went into hospital on christmas eve - sudden illness - he's 77 this year. We have been back twice since coming in 2006 - and have seen my parents well & happy. If we had not - I would've gone back ASAP - the decision is yours - the children are so young for this journey, it would make sense to go on your own - but that's your call. I would go on my own in your position.

     

    We have made the decision that we have been back regularly and seen people well & would not therefore go back for illnesses or funerals.

     

    Good luck - my dad got better & is back to his old self. Yours is a little older , but may make a similar recovery. I hpe that's the case. Best wishes for a happy outcome.

    Share this post


    Link to post
    Share on other sites

    Create an account or sign in to comment

    You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

    Create an account

    Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

    Register a new account

    Sign in

    Already have an account? Sign in here.

    Sign In Now