phil&Sue

when uk family get ill .......

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    found out this week, my father in law, having tests on pancreas n liver, SO DIFFICULT OUT HERE, when family get poorly, we are awaiting results, but all things considered, don't think it is going to be good. The distance and cost of trips really hits home. Hubby and I are still in casual employment, and been here just TEN months, much as we enjoy the lovely sunshine, friendly people, think it is going to be a tough one, cos u instantly wanna pop round for a cuppa when things get tough.....

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    Sorry to hear. Hope there is some positive news somewhere for you.

     

    It is difficult no doubt. Sitting tight and waiting to see what the news is and if a trip back is needed sooner rather than later, tense days, weeks or months. I, we (myself and hubby) have been in this situation a few times while living overseas. Keep talking to your family and try not to panic or fret. Until the results are back there really isn't much you can do, wait till they have news and you can make a fully informed decision as to what you do next.

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    Guest Nick11

    So sorry...this is one of the few times you wish you were back in the uk. Wait and see what the results are first..then you can decide.

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    Guest Guest75

    Sorry to read this guys.

     

    It is not easy and there is not a lot you can really do about it.

     

    We went through this twice with our Mums.

     

    You do cope with it somehow.

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    We are in a similar position and it's so difficult.We have only been here 3 months and in that time my mum has been diagnosed with cancer in her kidney,She has had the kidney removed and her thyroid and then got shingles.She is now having treatment and waiting for news as to whether it spread anywere else.What made it worse was we hadn't spoken for 6 months before we left because they called us selfish for leaving them when they are old!I have been racked with guilt since we left and now it's 100% worse.My mums last words to me were in a text the day before we left that just said,what comes around goes around.So I can't give you any advice but just to let you know I know how you are feeling.x Sharon.x

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    Guest Nick11
    We are in a similar position and it's so difficult.We have only been here 3 months and in that time my mum has been diagnosed with cancer in her kidney,She has had the kidney removed and her thyroid and then got shingles.She is now having treatment and waiting for news as to whether it spread anywere else.What made it worse was we hadn't spoken for 6 months before we left because they called us selfish for leaving them when they are old!I have been racked with guilt since we left and now it's 100% worse.My mums last words to me were in a text the day before we left that just said,what comes around goes around.So I can't give you any advice but just to let you know I know how you are feeling.x Sharon.x

     

    That's awful . Have you tried biting the bullet and getting in touch. If you get it thrown back in your face..at least you can say you tried..which may ultimately bring you some peace and closure.

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    That's awful . Have you tried biting the bullet and getting in touch. If you get it thrown back in your face..at least you can say you tried..which may ultimately bring you some peace and closure.

     

    Yes.I rang them sunday.My mum didn't want to speak to me but had a quick chat with my dad.It made me feel slightly better because like you said,at least I have tried.Pretty sure I will still be the blame for it all though!:dull:

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    Yes.I rang them sunday.My mum didn't want to speak to me but had a quick chat with my dad.It made me feel slightly better because like you said,at least I have tried.Pretty sure I will still be the blame for it all though!:dull:

     

    Its good your Dad is talking to you. I can only think your Mum is hurting about your leaving. Hopefully she'll soften.

     

    The thing is, even if you were in the UK, there may not be much you could do in terms of helping or anything. It can often be more just the physical closeness and being an ear or a bit of support. Hopefully your Mum will talk to you on the phone or Skype soon. Perhaps write her a letter about how things are going for you over there. Don't talk too much about the personal stuff between you and her, just keep channels open and show her you can still take the time to keep in touch. Letters can really mean a lot to a person.

     

    And please know none of her illness is your fault. Although I am sure you know that. But its not easy to have someone you love being angry or upset with you for something. Its a shame she wasn't able to be more supportive of your choice. Moving over there it isn't something any of us take lightly.

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    Its good your Dad is talking to you. I can only think your Mum is hurting about your leaving. Hopefully she'll soften.

     

    The thing is, even if you were in the UK, there may not be much you could do in terms of helping or anything. It can often be more just the physical closeness and being an ear or a bit of support. Hopefully your Mum will talk to you on the phone or Skype soon. Perhaps write her a letter about how things are going for you over there. Don't talk too much about the personal stuff between you and her, just keep channels open and show her you can still take the time to keep in touch. Letters can really mean a lot to a person.

     

    And please know none of her illness is your fault. Although I am sure you know that. But its not easy to have someone you love being angry or upset with you for something. Its a shame she wasn't able to be more supportive of your choice. Moving over there it isn't something any of us take lightly.

    Thankyou Snifter,We had some wise words off you when we were initially making the move.I went out and picked up a postcard of a koala and it's just sat here waiting for me to put some words on it.It will be in the post tommorow!

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    Guest Nick11
    Yes.I rang them sunday.My mum didn't want to speak to me but had a quick chat with my dad.It made me feel slightly better because like you said,at least I have tried.Pretty sure I will still be the blame for it all though!:dull:

     

    It is not your fault.

    Do you have any brothers or sisters you can talk to?

    Either your mum is hurting terribly and too proud ..or...is she the unforgiving type/holds a grudge forever and ever.

    If she's hurting..then maybe it is worth swallowing your pride and going back to see her.

    If she is the other...well maybe you are in the best place and should stay well out of it til she calms down.

    Time can be a great healer.

    x

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    Guest scmercer

    Hi Sue

     

    So sorry to hear about your father in law. It is really difficult when family get ill and you are so far away. Only a couple of weeks ago my sister had emergency surgery and it was so hard being this faraway and not really knowing what was going on. I hope everything is Ok.

     

    take care

     

    Sheila

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    Guest Martin and Val

    So sorry to read your news and sorry I can't really offer you any advise other than my own recent experience and feelings.

    On 27th November at 4.30am I received the worse possible phone call that my father had died suddenly while taking an afternoon nap. He wasn't unwell and was so looking forward to his holiday over here. He and Mum should have been here for the last four weeks on holiday but when this happened Mum canceled her flights.

    I couldn't get a flight in time for the funeral so I never managed to say a proper goodbye. We are going over to see my Mum in May which will be great but all so hard with Dad not sitting there. To be honest I still haven't got over this and blame my self daily for being so far away although it's now to late.

    We will never know what is around the corner so we must do as much as we can each day and always have time for regular phone calls and skype if possible.

    Hope all goes well for you.

    Martin

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    I am so sorry to hear the news....there are lotsa people on here who have been in the same situation....they are always willing to help and offer some advice on how to deal with this sort of thing.

     

     

    Its times like this when you really realise how far away from family and friends we really are...

     

    You know where we all are....

     

    HG

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    Sorry to hear this - My Mum passed away last year, I was on the phone to doctors/nurses anyone who could help me, as it all happened soo suddenly whilst in hospital :(. Family & friends were very supportive at the time, both here & in the UK

    Going back was incredibly hard, no-one ever prepares you emotionally for losing someone soo close to you.

    But going back for the funeral was definitely the right thing to do for me. Sadly sometimes its not always possible but I would urge you to consider going back if its at all possible.

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    Guest Martin and Val
    But going back for the funeral was definitely the right thing to do for me. Sadly sometimes its not always possible but I would urge you to consider going back if its at all possible.

     

    Well said, my thoughts exactly.

    If you can, you must go back. I couldn't get flights as it was Christmas and not seeing my Dad or attending his funeral plays on my mind daily. He always told me never to come back for a funeral and I think my Mum dealt with things asap to ensure I didn't. The only flight that was possible for me arrived on the morning of the funeral and only gave me two hours from the plane to the funeral, just wasn't enough although now I wish I took the chance.

    Martin

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    Another wk/so, till we find out results, it is tough whilst u r waiting... , with 4 stone weight loss too, don't think things sounding too good...

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    Hi Sue

     

    So sorry to hear about your father in law. It is really difficult when family get ill and you are so far away. Only a couple of weeks ago my sister had emergency surgery and it was so hard being this faraway and not really knowing what was going on. I hope everything is Ok.

     

    take care

     

    Sheila

     

    hi sheila

    thanks for the message, sorry to hear about your sister, i hope she is ok, gd to chat too, tk care,

    Sue

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    Possibly not. But this at least gives you and hubby a chance to talk things over, see how both of you feel about things and to have a few possible plans/options re going back that you can easily have the groundwork laid out for (researching cheap flights, talking to boss about time off work and so on).

     

    Once you know exactly what is what you can decide then to take a longer extended trip with both of you, or one of you, or a shorter visit from you both with another trip able to be made later on. It might be that hubby goes back for a short visit and then if and when, you both go back for a visit a bit later on. Going back indefinately might be something you want to consider but realistically even for those in the UK, day to day life has to go on.

     

    Try to have quality time over quantity time is my way of coping and dealing with this situation. I'd rather have a few days, a week, of really good quality time than pop in and out for an hour a day for weeks on end. While I was overseas living I had my own mother suffer a serious illness (thankfully pulled through) and my best friend sadly lost her fight with cancer. Both times I went back when things were really not looking good and spent that quality time with both and it really was a wonderful thing to do and to have that precious time. It wasn't all doom and gloom when we spent that time together, we chit chatted, swapped stories, talked about the future a bit and we just enjoyed our time together as much as possible. That is me and I realise it won't work for everyone, to do as I did. Find what works for you, but don't place a massive expectation on yourself or beat yourself up for whatever you want to do or not do in terms of going back. Your family know you love them, doesn't matter if you are there right now or not. They know and I am sure they understand.

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