Guest guest8040

Guilt

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    Guest guest8040

    We're on the final laps and have a case officer and weirdly an immense sense of guilt is clouding my celebrations. My dad had a stroke 2 years ago and has been left with some disabilities. Our kids are the only grandchildren on both sides and now it's becoming real, supportive parents are saying how hard it will be and family who haven't supported us still aren't really. I've been so positive about it all til now but I'm panicking about everything and questioning our decision now, is this normal and will it pass? Having said that I've gone ahead and got our medicals booked today!

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    Guest AngPhil

    I know where you are coming from. The feeling of guilt about leaving my parents is hideous, my Dad has been great, but my Mum is devastated. We are a really close family and I feel like I am ripping her heart out.

     

    They can afford to do a parent visa, just, and we keep saying that they should not rule it out. My Mum is adamant that it will never happen (as I have a sister who lives in the UK).

     

    When we activated our visa last year, the trip was the best and really brought home why we are doing this. Both my youngest son and I cried when we had to get on the plane back to the UK.

     

    We are just getting ready to book our flights for August, but I am dreading telling my Mum that we have a date to go as I know how devastated she'll be.

     

    Just think, nothing is permanent and if you don't try it you'll be wondering for the rest of your life. We keep saying it is our mid-life crisis!

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    Guest Paula H

    We are living at my mums at the moment until we go in September. They have helped me bring up my 3 children whilst I work full time and we are so so close. The thought of leaving them breaks my heart to the point where I can't think about it. They are trying to look into coming out with us but visa restrictions/fees are proving too much. I love the, to bits but we are doing this for our children's future and their children's future, that is what keeps me going, well that and the fact that they are coming out for frequent long breaks.

     

    It is normal to have the fears and doubts but you just need to remember why you have done it in the first place.

     

    Best of luck. Xx

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    Thanks for sharing your worries - we got our visa grant in Feb and we are now just waiting on someone buying our house before making the final plans and everything is telling me this is the right thing for us to do, but it means leaving my mum behind (dad died 3 years ago) and she is pleased for us but clearly deeply distraught that we are going. I am not sure how she or I is going to deal with it but we'll just have to cross that bridge when the time comes.

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    I know what you mean but it is your life, your dream live it.

    We have been here 7 months now and our 11 year old daughter has stated she would not like to return to the uk.

    It has offered her a much more interesting lifestyle,she has come out of her shell and participates in everything the school has to offer.

    Especially with the sporting side she has swam in the schools competitions finished second in the schools athletics and is getting ready for the cross country.

    We have all made good friends and found employment. We live pretty much on the beach and enjoy it.

     

    I no longer feel guilty about improving my childs life or mine but do miss my family all the same.

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    Guest Team 'W'

    Hi Guys

     

    We have been here nearly 21/2 yrs now and love it still , the guilt never goes away you just have to deal with it ,dont dwell on what iff,s and maybe,s ..

     

    What you have to say to yourselves and to the folks /family is that your gonna do a two yr stint and see what happens , and believe me two yrs goes SO DAM FAST its unbelievable THEN this gives you a bit of lea way and the family some time to get used to it ..

     

    Skype is great also to keep in touch ,the first few times is the hardest cos you just want to grab them thru the screen and the tears will flow BUT again it gets easier ...

     

    Nobody knows how they are gona feel till they get here and its a rush of adrenalin for a few weeks when you land sorting a house out ,jobs to go for [if not got them already] schools to look into,finding a car where you wana be based , so ye there is loads to do to keep you occupied for a good few wks oh and the jet lag to get over ..lol

     

    So in a nut shell it isnt easy BUT it will be worth it !!

     

    Lots come AND lots go back for all sorts of reasons sometimes its even out of their hands ,so what will be will be .....JUST LIVE THE DREAM !!!

     

    Good luck and best wishes to all that are in the middle of it all and to those on their way GO FOR IT !! IT MIGHT BE THE ONLY CHANCE YOU GET ...

     

    Elaine

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    Speaking for the other side (parents) - It always a tough one "The feeling of guilt about leaving my parents is hideous, my Dad has been great, but my Mum is devastated." I was also the Mum left behind who found it a terrible experience but we were lucky enough to be able to come here for visits every year and made the one-way trip 5 years later. I know its not an option for most people but I felt so much better after the first visit to see them all in Australia and Skype was invaluable.

     

    If parents can visit - even only once - it makes a huge difference. Once they can see their children happily settled and see for themselves what a great lifestyle you have and what a great future their grandchildren could have it all helps with accepting the descision. Deep down, they really want what is best for you but it is hard and takes time to cope with the grief and loss

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    Guest Team 'W'

    jtct you are so right , my father in law wanted to come out to oz all those yrs ago to be a ten pound pom but due to his wife being an only child she felt she could not leave her parents,so it never happened , so when we decided to do it he was all for it TILL the time came for us to leave ,my children are the only granchildren so it was mega hard for them to loose being able to see the kids grow up BUT we did it and came ,they came out to visit in sept last yr till dec so it was super having them over for three months , they couldnt believe how much the kids had changed and his last words to me was :Lainy dont take this the wrong way ,but now we see what you have and how happy the kids are [we have also just set up a business ] we dont want you too come home ...we was laughing at this but i new what he meant [he hadnt got the chance to do it so we was living the dream for him too ] he seen how happy the kids was he seen how hard his son was working at trying to get his business off the ground [he was so so proud of him] but we know they are a hundred % behind us AND IT MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE !!

     

    Just got to get my mum over now !!

     

    Its great to hear the other sides story for once , THANK YOU for putting this on ..

     

    Elaine

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    Guest AngPhil

    Thanks jtct and team W. My parents are both fit and well and will definately be coming over to Australia for some long holidays. You have given me some hope that my Mum will come to terms with us all going if she sees us happy.

     

    Thank you

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    Thanks for this thread thewhitehouse, we are flying out in August with our two boys, and my Mum and Dad have taken it very badly.

     

    Not only are they heartbroken but they think we are doing the wrong thing. My husband's parents are devastated but support us all the way. In a way the difference in support makes it even harder, as I keep thinking, why can't my parents just support our decision?

     

    My parents visited yesterday and they didn't mention anything about Adelaide or the move the whole time. It's like they've decided it will go away if they don't think about it. They know we have booked the flights but haven't asked the date.

     

    My Mum basically told me this was all a pipe dream, this is without knowing a single thing about where we are going or the preparations we have made, or even how hard we are finding life here right now - it's my own fault I guess as I try not to worry them so I always give them a rosy picture.

     

    Can anyone give me advice on how to deal with this? We have 17 weeks left here and I want to be able to enjoy time with our extended family and get everything organised and look forward to the move, without this hanging unresolved over me. At the moment I just keep thinking about it and it's driving me crazy!

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    Guest MrsC

    You're not on your own, we are due to leave Aug/September this year, our family are supportive which helps, as the weeks go by its starting to become more real for everyone around us and my dad has just been diagnosed with terminal cancer, however he continues to support us and says 'enjoy every minute while you can' although now I have to come to terms with the fact me may not beable to visit. At the moment my husband works away and only gets to see his little girl one day a week and the opportunities in Oz are going to be beneficial for all of us. Its nice to see that everyone has ups and downs to deal with and we are not all going crazy on our own thinking.... is this the right thing, we know it is and the kids are gonna love it! good luck to everyone.... and seeya all on the other side! xx

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    Guest pixie7

    Guilt= completely normal! It defo clouded us leaving- we are very close to my family and also OH grandparents are 84 and 92- very hard leaving- felt sick and sobbing leaving house and saying bye to parents and oh grandparents and then my brother, sister-in law, nephew and niece and cousin insisted on taking us to the airport! So that meant all of us standing sobbing and hugging at 5am in Manchester- on the brght side we got through with extra luggage probably because we were making a scene lol! Honestly it is normal to feel guilty and it does subside when you are here- skype is great too :)

    My advice- close your eyes and grit your teeth you are going through the hardest time right now but will come out the other side and all will be good! Good luck x

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    Guest moonraker1959

    You have to live in the moment and do whats best for yourselves and what makes you happy.No one owns their kids,and you can't control either where they'll decide to live!For all the people leaving parents,the reality is,they're not going to be happy for you.No one who loves their kids would want them to be living 10,000 miles away.I had to recently leave my 80 yr old Mum in Adelaide,and to see her crying at her garden gate as I pulled out the driveway still haunts me.Nope it does'nt feel good.Even though you're excited to be leaving the UK,I would tone it down when visiting parents/inlaws,just to really show some sensitivity.To the OP,I'm really sorry to hear about your Dad,and I do understand how you would feel about leaving him.I'm sure though if you changed your minds and stayed just forhim,he would'nt be happy either!Best of luck,and here's wishing you future happiness.

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    Guest Paula H

    You have to remind yourself of why you are doing this in the first place.... and for most of us, it is for our children and their future. My OHs parents have never flown, they hardly talk to us about our move. My mum and dad have supported us the whole time even though it breaks their hearts that we are going and taking their most loved 3 grandchildren with us.

     

    You cant live your life for your parents, you have to do what is best for you and your family and if that entails going on an adventure, then so be it.

     

    YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE

     

    :)

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    Guest guest8040

    Thanks everyone I feel better now. It's a real dilemma as we have 2 kids who are the motivator for it all and our lives are utterly miserable here, we've been struggling financially for 4 years (I dont believe it could be worse) and have loaned the equity in our house to make this happen. My husband struggles as his mam and sister don't talk about it and he tries to get them to come round to it which annoys me as we get little support with anything from them and they just dont acknowledge how tough things are for us here and why we are trying to change things. My parents were divorced and my mam decided to take my dad in after his stroke so that's complicated to say the least! My impetus to do this was watching my 30 year old brother and only sibling, die of cancer 4 years ago, wishing he'd done many things before he got the diagnosis and news he had 6 months to live. however it's a double edged sword as I'm now leaving my parents with noone and probably as my mam recently said its going to feel like a bereavement. Argh!

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    You cant live your life for your parents, you have to do what is best for you and your family and if that entails going on an adventure, then so be it.

     

    YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE

     

    :)

     

    Hi Paula,

     

    you've hit the nail on the head there! That's so so true! Okay teeth gritted so for the next few weeks....

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    Guest Paula H

    Its the hardest thing to do is leave loved ones, and they shouldnt be selfish and make it hard for you as leaving, starting a fresh is hard in itself. I would rather be skint over in oz than skint here. Just tell them you are going to try, then there is no definate not coming back etc, maybe that will help a little.

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    Guest AngPhil
    my mam recently said its going to feel like a bereavement. Argh!
    I've had that too, I felt like I had been shot when my Mum said that. However, we are going to be booking our flights next week and I have had a good chat with my Mum today. She is still gutted and has said missing her grandchildren is the biggest issue. BUT she is coming round a bit, she wants to know when we are going so she can prepare for it. My family have all rallied round and have booked cottages for Christmas which has helped. I am preparing for the actual leaving when I know it will be hideous, but I hope everyone is right and it does keep getting better. Good luck :)

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    I'm from a very close family and I know my mum is really upset that we're leaving the UK. She's very supportive though and has never said a word to try to put us off.

     

    However, even though we haven't yet left the UK my parents have already booked tickets to come and see us in 9 months time - they both work in schools so know well in advance when they can get time off.

     

    Ever since they booked their tickets my mum's perked right up and now seems almost as excited about us leaving as we are!

     

    For anyone with worried/upset parents it might be well worth looking into arranging a trip to see you - even if you can't book flights yet just making firm(ish) plans of dates for a future visit might change their attitude completely and give them something to look forward to!

     

    Granted, this won't be possible for everyone but it certainly does take away the "forever" aspect of the move that seems to dominate parents' minds...

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    Guest Paula H

    True

     

    my mum & dad are booking their flights next week to come out next Jan

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    Guest leeannekays

    I'm finding it bit unsettling at the moment. First my mum wouldn't talk about the move, then suddenly since Christmas it has been discussed however the last 2 weeks she seems really sad and quiet. We fly next Sunday an I do know she will miss us terrible and the grandchildren but I don't want our last week with he to be sad and gloomy. She said to me that she can't get her head round it and suddenly were just going to be gone. I said to her we are not doing it to upset her and make her sad. It's another chapter of our lives as a family. I do hope she will be ok once we have gone.

     

    Leeanne x

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    Most parents will get over your departure but it IS like a bereavement (particularly if they are unable to travel and visit you in Oz) Therefore many of them, while dealing with the 'loss' in their own particular way, will go through these emotional stages .......

     

    Denial (They can’t go, its the wrong thing to do,)

    Anger (I can’t believe they are leaving me, doing this to me, taking my grandchildren away)

    Bargaining (Guilt making questions and statements - temporarily make them feel better putting the blame on you rather than dealing with their feelings)

    Depression (What is the point of carrying on? I'll never see them again - voicing that REALLY makes you feel bad doesn't it?)

    and finally Acceptance (I’ve lost someone I love but I know I can move on ... eventually).

     

    The timescale varies so much and some parents will hide their true feelings from you (and maybe themselves for a while) and say they are happy for you and support you but they too have to deal with the loss in their own way.

     

    Good luck on your 'journey' - you will all get there. Its just that some SEEM to cope better than others

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    Guest Team 'W'

    Hi Leeanne

     

    Yes i had that with my mum too , she was in denial for months ,wouldnt accept it , would not speak about it at all ,which really bothered me .. even the last wk before we came out we had a party for everybody to say our goodbye,s and the day after she went off to her caravan for five days knowing that that would be the last days of being with the kids [AND THAT HURT ME LIKE HELL ] but people deal with it in different ways and i understood why she did it ,but it still hurt me !! gladly the kids were to young and too exited bout going to oz to have bore the burden ...

     

    Maybe in a way it made it a little bit easier for me too cope with [i dont know ]

     

    And now i still get little digs at me and it upsets her that the kids are growing up and no longer want to get on skype for hours ,but sometimes i feel like it,s all one sided, like she had the chance to come out last yr but put it off for all kinds of excuses , she wont come on her own , she has a dog that will have to go into the kennels [he is her baby ] ,plus other complications with other half [which i dont want to go into ] so ye she still isnt happy at us being over here and has actually said in a way she was hoping it wouldnt work out for us so we would have to go back [selfish i know ] but now as time has gone on and she sees the kids and how happy they are them feelings have subsided somewhat ...

     

    And as im sat here posting this i am missing her so much BUT i know why im here for my husband my kids [the dog ] AND ME !!!

     

    Best Wishes to all , hope it works out and you get the best out of life !!!

     

    We all desreve it ..

     

    Elaine

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    Most parents will get over your departure but it IS like a bereavement (particularly if they are unable to travel and visit you in Oz) Therefore many of them, while dealing with the 'loss' in their own particular way, will go through these emotional stages .......

     

    Denial (They can’t go, its the wrong thing to do,)

    Anger (I can’t believe they are leaving me, doing this to me, taking my grandchildren away)

    Bargaining (Guilt making questions and statements - temporarily make them feel better putting the blame on you rather than dealing with their feelings)

    Depression (What is the point of carrying on? I'll never see them again - voicing that REALLY makes you feel bad doesn't it?)

    and finally Acceptance (I’ve lost someone I love but I know I can move on ... eventually).

     

    The timescale varies so much and some parents will hide their true feelings from you (and maybe themselves for a while) and say they are happy for you and support you but they too have to deal with the loss in their own way.

     

    Good luck on your 'journey' - you will all get there. Its just that some SEEM to cope better than others

     

    Great post, made me look at my situation a completely different way! I was feeling dreadfully hurt but now I realise the way they are acting is just them coming to terms with it.

     

    Now I just have to figure out what stage my parents are at in the process - I'm afraid it's still denial though!!!!

     

    Thanks Jane & Clive

     

    Sinead

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