Diary of a Pom in Mildura

[Guest Guest75]

Sent to me by a good Aussie mate.

 

Hope I've crossed out all of the swearing in this Mods

 

Quite relevant at the moment with this heat;)

 

 

 

Diary of a Mildura Summer, By a POM.

August 31st:

Just got transferred with work to our new home in Mildura.

Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset from a deckchair on the verandah. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

September 13th:

Really heating up.... got to 35 today. Not a problem.. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive in an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun like this everyday. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.

September 30th:

Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

October 10th:

The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's kind of windy though. But getting use to the heat is taking longer than I expected.

October 15th:

Fell asleep by the pool today. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

October 20th:

I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the car at lunch, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $3,000 leather upholstry. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Wiskettes and cat ****. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.

October 25th:

This wind sucks. It feels like a giant f****n blow dryer!!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the blink and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.

October 30th:

Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $300,000 house and we cant even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

November 4th:

It 38 degrees. Finally got the ol' air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but the bloody humidity makes the house feel like it's about 30. Stupid repairman. I hate this stupid f****n place.

November 8th:

If another wise arse cracks "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to ****in throttle him. F****n heat! By the time I get to work the car's radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet and I smell like baked cat!

November 9th:

Tried to run some messages after work. Wore shorts and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my f****n arse was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my f****n arse. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat.

November 10th:

The weather report may as well be a f****n recording hot and sunny............hot and sunny.......hot and f****n sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this f****n place? Water rationing will be next, so my $2,000 worth of plants just might dry up and blow into the f****n pool. Even the palms can't live in this f****n heat.

November 14th:

Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 41 today. Now the air-conditioner's gone in my car. The repairman came to fix it and said "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend $2,500 mortgage payment to bail my arse out of jail for assulting the stupid f****r. F**k Mildura!!!! What kind of sick demented f****n idiot would want to live here?

December 1st:

WHAT!!!???????? This, is the first day of Summer???? You are f****n kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Guest Nicky&Andy]

guess he's finding it hot enough then!!!!:biglaugh:

[Guest dave&jacky]

Nice one tyke that gave me a good laugth.

[Guest jd*]

Hi

 

reminds me of living in Whyalla, mind you Adelaide's not doing too badly just lately - I'm considering a trip to Tassie!

[suzer]

lol I have a friend moving to mildura who is now living in n'ern ireland...will have to forward this. check out this if you want to read something about yanks going to the uk:

 

http://www.soshesaid.com/britishconsulate.htm

[Guest Libby1971]

:biglaugh::biglaugh:

[suzer]

Oops I was thinking of this one (but that other think is a riot too):

 

Day 1

Dear Diary, Scotland just takes my breath away. It is truly one of the most beautiful places on earth. The buildings are older than anything we have in America. I am surrounded in culture and history and I’m loving it. I can’t understand the accent here very well, but I know I’ll catch on. This is going to be great.

 

Day 5

My things don’t fit into my new place, but I can downsize. I got to wear my new rain coat because it’s raining again and I must say I looked great waiting for my train. It was a bit wet and cold, but I feel like I’ve stepped into some romantic Lifetime movie. It took me 30 minutes to get my hamburger at Burger King, but I don’t mind. The pace of life is much slower here, unlike the rat race in America. I’m hanging my laundry outside to dry so I can help conserve energy and save the environment. I feel so proud to be doing my part.

 

Day 14

My bathroom is charming. It is very small and I have to close the door so there is room for my knees when I sit down on the toilet, but it’s so adorable. I don’t have a stand up shower, but it’s relaxing to sit down in a warm tub after a long day. It only adds 20 minutes to my daily routine to take a bath. It’s so cute how none of my rooms have closets. I feel so European. I can’t wait to tell my friends back home. I had to bag my own groceries at the supermarket tonight and I couldn’t find any Oreos or pickles, but that’s ok. I think I’ll find another grocery store that carries these things and also bags my stuff for me.

 

Day 17

I’ve had 12 cups of tea today. Maybe I should switch to decaf. I would sure love some Oreos. Maybe I’ll check some other stores to see if they are in stock. I’ve lost 5 pounds from all this walking, and I’m nursing a cold from standing in the rain at the station every day. I can’t find anything familiar to watch on TV, but I did find a soap opera to watch where everyone is extremely dramatic — you know, depressed and crying a lot in every episode.

 

Day 19

I’m having PMS. Where the hell are the goddamn Oreos? Screw the tea, I want a Mountain Dew and some Doritos. It took so long to take a bath this morning, I missed the train. I’m feeling as depressed as those actors on TV. My panties blew off the clothesline into the yard of the old man next door. I am too embarrassed to go pick them up.

 

Day 27

Who designed these godforsaken homes? If the walls weren’t made of brick, I’d have knocked out a wall to make room for a frickin’ closet. If it doesn’t stop raining soon, I’m going to build an ark. I broke down and ordered Oreos online. It’s only going to cost me $43 dollars to have them delivered to the house. Sounds reasonable.

 

Day 32

My spouse got the bill for the Oreos and punched a hole in the kitchen wall. I asked him to punch a few more holes because it makes the place feel a little bit bigger to have the extra inch of space. He told me that if I don’t straighten up my whiny American attitude, he’s calling immigration to have me deported back to the US. He also wants to know why the old man next door dropped by to return my panties.

 

Day 35

The Oreos arrived today. Ahhhh. Scotland just takes my breath away. It is truly one of the most beautiful places on earth, isn’t it?