Feeling very undecided at the moment

[Beanbear]

Hi,

 

For those prepared to read and offer any thoughts, I am grateful in advance as I am at a bit of a loss as to what to do. I'll start with some background:

 

We arrived early January 2008 and hit the ground running! We had three weeks of sorting ourselves out and then my OH got a job very quickly, albeit one with a big commute, and I started the process of getting my teaching qualifications recognised. It was a stressful start in that a few weeks after our arrival we lost my OH's step-father to cancer and his mother didn't cope at all. Relations with her have been strained ever since.

 

We have 2 kids and they were both young primary at the time of our move. They adapted well, although of course missed family (I have a large and fairly close family). They have both done well at school, one plays for a soccer club and the other a rugby club and the elder is doing well at High School, whilst the younger one will start there in February.

 

I have a number of friends of different ages, some ex-pat and some Aussies. I am in a choir and work full-time, so it's all pretty busy really. My OH is now studying for a double masters and is working from home whilst doing this. He will qualify next July and then will look for a job. It seems likely that he may not get one in Adelaide, which would mean upheaval for the kids. But as we have talked about the possibilities it has become more and more apparent to us that we want to consider a move back to the UK. I think that perhaps I have never fully settled, despite my parents begin very supportive and spending lots of time with us each year. We have only been able to go back to the UK once - last year - and that required a loan - it is hard to save up $10000 isn't it?

 

I am so unsure as to whether this would be a selfish and stupid thing to do. We have spent a lot on our house so we don't have a vast amount of equity and the kids are at quite critical ages - mostly my daughter who will be in year 10 next year. We also have a dog.

 

I have been reading lots of posts of people who have ping-ponged and reckon that moving back to the UK was not great. I do know there are lots of problems and I think the winters would be horrific, but at the same time I know that as the years go on we will have responsibility for ageing parents etc and that will be difficult. I want to enjoy time with them before they're very old - plus my OH's Dad is currently undergoing treatment for a serious condition, that touch wood will turn out okay, but what if...?

 

Forgive the long ramble. I can't concentrate on much else at the moment, even though we are nearly a year off him finishing his course.

 

Any thought, experiences, ideas etc would be welcome. It's all a bit difficult having to make decisions like this.. again!

[Guest BurgessFamily]

Quality of life includes time spent with family. You have to weight up which country provides the best quality of life for you and your family. Either way, you'll be losing out on something, but you'll hopefully have the better life with whatever decision you make.

 

For me, Australia has great weather and beaches etc..., and the UK has diversity and history right on your doorstep.

 

Don' forget ...the grass is always greener ...blah, blah.

[Ktee]

Hi Beanbear

Firstly, please realise you are not alone and many people cannot settle for one reason or another. Have you managed to get citizenship yet as personally I think it is great to fall back on if you go home and decide to become a boomerang pom.

My next answer would be to go back for a holiday but you say you went last year, how did you feel, did it feel like you were returning home or were you wanting to get back. I think like you said the expense of going back puts it out of the reach of many people, I know for us when we priced up flights to go back in July next year it was coming back at around $15,000 then we would have needed spending money, car hire etc, so well over $20,000 just to sit with my mother and have a coffee and listen to the latest gossip (no thanks).

[DougM]

You don't say as to whether you like Australia or not. Taking family out of the equation, which country would you prefer?

 

Another way to look at it, put your kids first. Your relations in the UK have had theirs lives, your kids are just starting their. Which option is best for them?

 

Are you being honest with yourself? Is it really that you are the one with the problem?

 

Think very carefully about this as it will have huge repercussions on you and yours.

[Keith & Linda]

Hi beanbear, as Ktee says you are not alone here, and I think it is 'star123' on this forum has already decided to head back, and after over 14years here my wife would go back tomorrow. The one comment of yours I picked on " I think perhaps I have never fully settled" this is a negative thought which has been with you since you arrived and everything will revolve around this way of thinking, any drama's in your life, large or small, either here in OZ or in the UK straight away you will be thinking maybe I should not have come, when in reality these are all part of life It just happens that some are far away and we feel bad that we are not near at the time. But as Doug says your relatives and friends are living their lives and I do not expect they are queing up to come out here and support you! more likely they are somewhat envious, maybe even jealous of what you have so bravely done. Again as Doug says you really need to concentrate on your family and what is best for you all, there will have to be some sacrifices made either way.

If as Ktee says you have citizenship then this will give you options, but should not be used as a basis for making a discission alone. Regarding holidays, really that is what they are and we tend to see things through rose tinted spectacles. But I can only say it will, financially, get easier in time, when it will only be you and hubby going. We were here 5 years before we were able to get back, and we generally return every year now to see the grandchildren and other family ( a big draw for Linda wanting to return). May I suggest that just you yourself go back and then you will not be in family holiday mode, and check out the realities of life as they are now and if your family would be able to slot back in!

Our thoughts are with you and wish you the best whatever you decide.

Keith & Linda

[Beanbear]

Thanks for the replies. Just to answer some questions, we do now have citizenship, so that is a bonus for the future. When I said I have never settled, I think I may have given a false impression in that I have lots of friends, have had great times and have never talked of going back previously, nor do I imagine it to be a piece of cake returning - indeed we will have less equity than we started with and many things will be difficult in the uk. I do think though that with family going through hard times and with a need to feel like properly putting down roots, it was time to reassess and all this comes at a time when my OH will finish his course next year and will need to get a new job anyway. But it's still hard with the kids.

[Anne B]

Have you looked on pomsinoz ? There are a lot of threads about moving back to the UK, reading through them may help clarify your thoughts (or confuse you even further). It's a difficult call if you have kids, it just makes everything much more complicated as you have to consider their feelings and their education, although the children of many families get moved around from one place to another through work or being in the armed services, and nobody really thinks anything of it. There are many categories to consider - which country makes the best sense financially, which is best work-wise, which is best for healthcare, for retirement, for the future, for your kids, for their education and job prospects, for your wider family, where will you be happier? We went back to the UK last month and the overwhelming feeling was 'why did we leave?' - even the children said this, although one doesn't want to move back. It's a hard decision, both countries have good and bad points. If you don't feel you have settled now, then I don't think you ever will. What made you want to move here in the first place? If you decide to move back you need to be sure that you won't feel like that again. I think it was easier in the old days when the boat/air fare home was too expensive for most people to afford - moving back wasn't an option for most people! Good luck.