Guest caoimhe

A Laugh while you wait on that Visa

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    Guest caoimhe








    An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

    Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?


    Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.


    Older Woman: Oh, I see.


    Officer: Can I see your license please?


    Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.


    Officer: Don't have one?


    Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.


    Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.


    Older Woman: I can't do that.


    Officer: Why not?


    Older Woman: I stole this car.


    Officer: Stole it?


    Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

    Officer: You what?


    Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see


    The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.


    Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.


    Older woman: Is there a problem sir?


    Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.


    Older Woman: Murdered the owner?


    Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.


    The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.


    Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?


    Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

    The officer is quite stunned.


    Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.


    The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.


    The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.


    Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.


    Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

    Don't Mess With Old Ladies

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    Guest Django

    Hope you won't sue for copyright 10_1_102v.gif


    My lawyer tells me that I haven't got a leg to stand on as I pilfered it from another forum. 4.gif



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    Guest leemi1

    Classic sporting quotes...Enjoy



    Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male

    astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:

    'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only

    come in his shorts.'



    Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny

    Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:

    'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'



    Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:

    'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'



    Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World

    Superbike racing:

    'Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a =ard on now.'



    Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on this Morning:

    'She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night.'



    'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's

    formidable lead:

    'Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees.'



    Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond:

    'Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg.'



    Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe:

    'With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off.'



    Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:

    'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.'



    James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked:

    'What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by barrichello?'



    Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:

    'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69.'



    The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath


    'My word,' he said. 'Look at that magnificent erection.'



    Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said:

    'They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions.'



    Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live aid:

    'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'



    A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:

    'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?'


    Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!



    US PGA Commentator:

    'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ... Oh my =od!!!!! What have I just said? !!!!'



    Metro Radio:

    'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'



    Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977:

    'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew.'



    Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator:

    'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'



    New Zealand Rugby Commentator:

    'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'



    Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator:

    'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

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