English for the verbally insane

[Guest Guest75]

Thanks to Bernadette for this.

 

I love word play

 

 

................................

 

 

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,

But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,

Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,

Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

 

If the plural of man is always called men,

Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,

And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,

Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

 

Then one may be that, and three would be those,

Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,

And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,

But though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,

But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

 

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;

neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England .

We take English for granted, but if we explore its

paradoxes, we find that

quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,

and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

 

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,

grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of

all but one of them, what do you call it?

 

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a

humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking

English should be

committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

 

In what other language do people

recite at a play and play at a recital?

We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.

We have noses that run and feet that smell.

We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.

And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the

same, while a wise man and

a wise guy are opposites?

 

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a

language in which your house

can burn up as it burns down,

in which you fill in a form by filling it out,

and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

 

And, in closing, if Father is Pop,

how come Mother's not Mop?

[cormcvcr]

Very good Tyke,

 

I enjoyed that!

 

It is the simple things like why is there no ham in hamburger that usually come from childrens mouths.

 

My son when he was 4 years old, said that jesus was a zombie, when we asked him why he thought that, the reply was this:-

 

The only things that can rise from the dead are zombies, so jesus must have been a zombie!

Cos' it happens on Scooby Doo!!!

[Guest soggy]

I have just printed that, I will give it to my wife to read, she is Chinese and taking English lessons at the moment, i'm sure it will help her out a great deal.

 

Simon

[Guest Django]

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,

But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

 

I laughed at this bit big time. Sophie, our 5 year old always says 'shes' instead of 'her'. You can say 'where's Niamh' to her and she will say 'playing with shes toys'. I have noticed a lot of children her age doing the same. Reason 1,279 for moving.

 

Fabby stuff though makes you wonder how anyone not born here can learn english. Because a lot of it doesn't follow any rules.

 

Pete