only in australia

[Guest ali@51]

I think this has been on here a while ago but I have slept since then and it made me laugh again:wacko: so thought I would pass it on

 

 

 

 

>>The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They

>>were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the (sometimes

>>brilliant) answers are the actual responses by the website officials,

>>who obviously have a sense of humour.

>>

>>Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on

>>TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).

>>A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching

>>them die.

>>

>>Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

>>A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

>>

>>Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad

>>tracks? (Sweden)

>>A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

>>

>>Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)

>>A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

>>

>>Q: Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in

>>Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

>>A: What did your last slave die of?

>>

>>Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?

>>(USA)

>>A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.

>>Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does

 

>>not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in

>>Kings Cross. Come naked.

>>

>>Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

>>A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here

>>and we'll send the rest of the directions.

>>

>>Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

>>A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

>>

>>Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

>>A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which

>>is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday

>>

>>night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

>>

>>Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)

>>A: You are a British politician, right?

>>

>>Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year

>>round? (Germany)

>>A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk

>>is illegal.

>>

>>Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense

>>Rattlesnake serum. (USA)

>>A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-i-ca which is where YOU come from. All

>>Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and

>>make good pets.

>>

>>Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget

>>its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

>>A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out

of

>

>>Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You

>>can

>

>>scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out

>>walking.

>>

>>Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)

>>A: No, WE don't stink.

>>

>>Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can

>>you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

>>A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

>>

>>Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population

>>is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

>>A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

>>

>>Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

>>A: Only at Christmas.

>>

>>Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I

>>dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)

>>A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

>>

>>Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

>>A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

[Guest ems]

Lets just say i've had a S**t day so far. At least i've been able to sit here laughing to myself whilst reading this. Cheers Ali.

Emma.

[Guest The Pottertons]

ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC!!!!!! Thanks Ali!

[Guest bev_stef]

Great

[Guest caoimhe]

Tears are running down my o/h face, he loves anything that shows americans for what they are!!!

 

 

 

 

 

[Guest suejohndan]

Hi Ali,

 

Fantastic they are sooo funny.

[Guest cornish Busdriver]

I like it.

 

Heres one i was sent by a friend, a speechmade by the EX Prime Minister John Howard -Australia (taken from a newspaper report)

 

Muslims who want to live under Islamic Sharia law were told on Wednesday to get out of Australia , as the government targeted radicals in a bid to head off potential terror attacks.

Separately, Howard angered some Australian Muslims on Wednesday by saying he supported spy agencies monitoring the nation's mosques. Quote: "IMMIGRANTS, NOT AUSTRALIANS, MUST ADAPT.

Take it Or Leave it. I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Bali, we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Australians."

"This culture has been developed over two centuries of struggles, trials and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom."

"We speak mainly ENGLISH, not Spanish, Lebanese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society . Learn the language!"

"Most Australians believe in God. This is not some Christian, right wing, political push, but a fact, because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented.

It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our Culture."

"We will accept your beliefs, and will not question why. All we ask is that you accept ours, and live in harmony and peaceful enjoyment with us."

"This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE, and we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this. But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about our Flag, our Pledge, our Christian beliefs, or our Way of Life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great Australian freedom, THE RIGHT TO LEAVE!"

"If you aren't happy here then LEAVE. We didn't force you to come here. You asked to be here. So accept the country YOU accepted."

 

Maybe if we circulate this amongst ourselves, British citizens will find the backbone to start speaking and voicing the same truths.

If you agree ... please SEND THIS ON.

[Guest hel&sam]

wow, cant wait to live where poitical correctness has never been heard of. Can anyone imagine Gordon Brown saying that there'd be a riot in parliament. Great stuff. That'd be really funny to watch on news at ten.

[Guest The Pottertons]

I like it.

 

Heres one i was sent by a friend, a speechmade by the EX Prime Minister John Howard -Australia (taken from a newspaper report)

 

Muslims who want to live under Islamic Sharia law were told on Wednesday to get out of Australia , as the government targeted radicals in a bid to head off potential terror attacks.

Separately, Howard angered some Australian Muslims on Wednesday by saying he supported spy agencies monitoring the nation's mosques. Quote: "IMMIGRANTS, NOT AUSTRALIANS, MUST ADAPT.

Take it Or Leave it. I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Bali, we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Australians."

"This culture has been developed over two centuries of struggles, trials and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom."

"We speak mainly ENGLISH, not Spanish, Lebanese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society . Learn the language!"

"Most Australians believe in God. This is not some Christian, right wing, political push, but a fact, because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented.

It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our Culture."

"We will accept your beliefs, and will not question why. All we ask is that you accept ours, and live in harmony and peaceful enjoyment with us."

"This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE, and we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this. But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about our Flag, our Pledge, our Christian beliefs, or our Way of Life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great Australian freedom, THE RIGHT TO LEAVE!"

"If you aren't happy here then LEAVE. We didn't force you to come here. You asked to be here. So accept the country YOU accepted."

 

Maybe if we circulate this amongst ourselves, British citizens will find the backbone to start speaking and voicing the same truths.

If you agree ... please SEND THIS ON.

Mouth open-shocked with a slight smile on my bemused face. Guess we are not used to such open and honest thought living in the UK. But totally agree with the statement to be honest. Accept the way of life- to not do so i feel is arrogant anyway! No matter what your religion or background, Yvonne x Ooooh to be a fly on the wall!

[Guest paul_smart]

Yeah, when i was in OZ 2003, I actually liked listening to the politics on the radio while I worked, the opposition leader was digging out howard about raising children saying that the best thing parents can give their children was the abilty to read and write, and JH didn't go along with that, John Howard stood up and said "your right, I think the best thing a parent can give their child is love" and sat back down again, the place was cheering and clapping it was so funny. another day an MP took an apple in to show support for the teachers union, the speaker told him food was banned from the chamber and to remove it, the MP said no it's not food it's a symobol, the speaker said it's not allowed in here and an argument ensued, after a bit of tooing and froing, the speaker quite calmly instructed the security to escort the MP out of the chamber and banned him for 9 months after ramping it up from 1 day, when the MP kept answering back, he was a front bencher and couldn't believe he was banned, the opposition party lost their minister of education and were stunned, john howard just carried on without mentioning the whole incident, which lasted about quater of an hour all in, like nothing had happened, very smooth, it was the only time I ever enjoyed listening to poilitics, they just say it how it is!!

[Guest cornish Busdriver]

Like you i like listing to Aussi style politics on the radio.

Australia is where they tell it as it is with no bells and whistles to make it sound better.

When we were on our recci the car radio was tuned into Triple M and holy christ i never had such a laugh listing to the radio and listing to the poms complaining and whining about everything and the DJ realy winding them up even more.

http://www.triplem.com.au/adelaide/listen/

Glad i found it on the net so i can keep listing and laughing.