Tamara (Homes Down Under)

British / Aussie humour

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    One of the best things about living here is the humour. It's typically British.

     

    It's uplifting to have a laugh.

     

    Feel free to share a joke:biglaugh: Some may be a little corny and others...a little rude!

     

    A priest and a farmer from Australia participate in a TV game show.

    After answering all the questions, there is a tie. So both are given one final assignment.

    It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu".

     

    The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration:

    "I was a father all my life, I had no children, had no wife,

    I read the bible through and through on my way to Timbuktu ... "

     

    The poem makes a great impression, and the priest smells a sweet victory.

    But then comes the Aussie farmer, with his winning masterpiece:

     

    "When Tim and I to Brisbane went

    We met three women cheap to rent.

    They were three and we were two,

    So I booked one and Tim Booked Two ... "

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    An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.

    On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

    The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

    Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. O.K., thank you," said the American. He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.

    The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to AUSTRALIA to see if Australians had the same phone. He arrived in Australia, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40 cents per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.

    Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

    The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Australia now, mate - it's a local call".

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    Sheila walked into the kitchen to find Bruce stalking around with a fly swatter.

    "What are you doing?" She asked.

    "Hunting Flies" He responded.

    "Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

    "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

    Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

    He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

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    Someone must have something to say? At least about this one!:biglaugh:

     

     

    Men are like ... Laxatives ...They irritate the crap out of you.

    Men are like ... Bananas ... The older they get, the less firm they are.

    Men are like ... Vacations ... They never seem to be long enough.

    Men are like ... Weather ... Nothing can be done to change them.

    Men are like ... Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

    Men are like ... Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

    Men are like ... Coffee ... The best ones are rich, warm, & can keep you up all night long.

    Men are like ... Commercials ... You can't believe a word they say.

    Men are like ... Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

    Men are like ... Government Bonds ... They take soooooooo long to mature.

    Men are like ... Mascara ... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

    Men are like ... Popcorn ... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

    Men are like ... Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

    Men are like ... Parking Spots ... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

    Men are like ... Snowstorms ... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

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    What??? Men are like Government Bonds.......They take sooooooooo long to mature, total rubbish, I'm planning on maturing in the next 5-10 years or so, I'm only in my mid forty's for crying out loud!

     

    Funny reading Tamara thanks.

     

    Ps Change your popcorn, lol.

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    [TABLE]

    [TR]

    [TD]HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN

    Wine her,

    Dine her,

    Call her,

    Hug her,

    Support her,

    Hold her,

    Surprise her,

    Compliment her,

    Smile at her,

    Listen to her,

    Laugh with her,

    Cry with her,

    Romance her,

    Believe in her,

    Cuddle with her,

    Go shopping with her

    Give her jewellery,

    Buy her flowers,

    Hold her hand,

    Write love letters to her,

    Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.[/TD]

    [TD]HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

    Arrive naked.

    Bring Pizza & Beer[/TD]

    [/TR]

    [/TABLE]

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    Three Aussie guys, Shane, Ricky and Jeff, were working on a high-rise building project in Wagga Wagga. Unfortunately, Shane falls off the scaffolding and is killed instantly.

    As the ambulance takes the body away, Ricky says, 'Someone should go and tell his wife.'

    Jeff says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

    Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.

    Ricky says, 'Where did you get that, Jeff?'

    'Shane's wife gave it to me.'

    Ricky continues, 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?'

    'Well not exactly,' Jeff said. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Shane's widow".'

    She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

    And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are.'

     

     

    aussie_gentleman.jpg

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    Someone must have something to say? At least about this one!:biglaugh:

     

     

    Men are like ... Laxatives ...They irritate the crap out of you.

    Men are like ... Bananas ... The older they get, the less firm they are.

    Men are like ... Vacations ... They never seem to be long enough.

    Men are like ... Weather ... Nothing can be done to change them.

    Men are like ... Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

    Men are like ... Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

    Men are like ... Coffee ... The best ones are rich, warm, & can keep you up all night long.

    Men are like ... Commercials ... You can't believe a word they say.

    Men are like ... Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

    Men are like ... Government Bonds ... They take soooooooo long to mature.

    Men are like ... Mascara ... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

    Men are like ... Popcorn ... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

    Men are like ... Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

    Men are like ... Parking Spots ... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

    Men are like ... Snowstorms ... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

     

    :shocked:

    Women are like public toilets, the best 1 is taken the rest are full of cr@p :wink:

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    [TABLE]

    [TR]

    [TD]HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN

    Wine her,

    Dine her,

    Call her,

    Hug her,

    Support her,

    Hold her,

    Surprise her,

    Compliment her,

    Smile at her,

    Listen to her,

    Laugh with her,

    Cry with her,

    Romance her,

    Believe in her,

    Cuddle with her,

    Go shopping with her

    Give her jewellery,

    Buy her flowers,

    Hold her hand,

    Write love letters to her,

    Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.

    [/TD]

    [TD]HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

    Arrive naked.

    Bring Pizza & Beer

    [/TD]

    [/TR]

    [/TABLE]

     

    No need for the Pizza, just make sure the beer is cold and the woman is hot!

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    :shocked:

    Women are like public toilets, the best 1 is taken the rest are full of cr@p :wink:

     

    That is so funny :biglaugh:

     

    Do you ever wonder who loves you? Your wife? Your dog? You think they love you, but how do you know if they really do? How can you be sure? There is a way to find out and have peace of mind and it only takes one hour.

    Simply open the boot of your car, put your dog and your wife in there, close the boot, grab a couple of beers and watch the footy on the telly for an hour or so. Then go back to the car, and open the boot.

    Now, who is happy to see you?

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    A kiwi was attenting a test cricket match In australia (Aus vs. Kiwi), and was feeling a little crook so he went to see and Aussie Dr. The Dr. said that he had some bad news and that he would have to remove his testicles. The kiwi said ay, no mate na get stuffed. So he went for a second opinion from another Australian dr. He said the same thing and the same reaction came from the Kiwi. So he went to the test match and decided to go get a third opion from a kiwi dr. He said, Na no good mate, we gonna have ta chop ya balls off. The kiwi then said, thank God for that, them Aussie dr. wanted to remove my test tickets!

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    One for you Keith:smile:

     

    In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and barbies. He created night for going prawning, sleeping and barbies. God saw that it was good.

    Evening came and morning came and it was the second Day.

    On the Second Day God created water - for surfing, swimming and barbies on the beach. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Third Day.

    On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide tobacco, malt and yeast for beer and wood for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day.

    On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fifth Day.

    On the Fifth day God created a bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Sixth Day.

    On the Sixth Day God saw that this bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good blokes. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Seventh Day.

    On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes, smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God saw that it was good. well almost good. God saw that the blokes were tired and needed a rest.

    So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, bear children, wash, cook and clean the barbie. God saw that it was not just good, it was better than that, it was bloody great! IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!

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    Having lived in both the UK and Oz, I find that Australian humour often tends to be very poo orientated 😂

     

     

    Teacher asks Little Johnny to use the word 'definitely' in a sentence

     

    Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"

     

    The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny,"

     

    To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely **** my pants then..." :biglaugh:

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    The most politically correct joke ever!

    In today's day and age you can't poke fun at a particular ethnicity or minority, so here we deal with all of them!

    An Aboriginal, a Pom, an overweight Yank, a NZ Maori, a Kiwi, a Tasmanian disabled person, an elderly person from Latvia, a Swedish blonde, a German, an Italian, a drunk Irishman, a Pole, a Greek, an Indian, a Canadian politician, an Afro-American, a Mexican, a Dutchman, an arrogant Frenchman, a Brazillian, an Ethiopian, a Turk, a Jap, a Chinaman, a Russian, an Indonesian, a Malaysian, a Cambodian, a Birmese and a Vietnamese all went together to an upmarket nightclub.

    The bouncer said, sorry guys, I can't let you in without a Thai.

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    Prison vs. work

     

    IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell.

    AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.

    IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day.

    AT WORK...........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

    IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.

    AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior.

    IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

    AT WORK............you're often required to carry a security card and open all the doors yourself.

    IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.

    AT WORK...........you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

    IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet.

    AT WORK..........you share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.

    IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.

    AT WORK............you're not supposed to even speak to your family.

    IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers.

    AT WORK............you pay all your expenses to get to work, and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

    IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.

    AT WORK ...........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

    IN PRISON .you must deal with sadistic wardens.

    AT WORK...........they're called managers.

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    Aussie BBQ procedure:

    1 - The woman buys the food.

    2 - The woman takes a cold beer from the fridge and takes it to her husband who is talking about footy to his mates, and then she makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

    3 - The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - and gives him another cold beer.

    4 - The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the discussion of cricket, footy, cars, fishing, and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

    5 - The man places the meat and snags on the BBQ plate.

    6 - The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.

    7 - The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he turns the meat

    8 - The man takes the meat and snags off the plate and hands it to the woman.

    9 - The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table, with more beer for the man and his friends..

    10 - After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

    11 - Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking efforts that made this barbie a great success.

    12 - The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

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    advice1.gif

    Tony Abbott asks the Queen, “Your Majesty, you run such an efficient government.

    Are there any tips you can give me?”“Well,” said the Queen,

    advice2.jpg

    “The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.”Abbott then asked,

    advice3.jpg

    “But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?”The Queen took a sip of champagne.

    advice4.jpg

    “Oh, that’s easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle, watch”

    The Queen pushed a button on her intercom.

    “Please send Prince Charles in here, would you?”Prince Charles walked into the room and said,

    “Yes, Mummy?”

    advice5.jpg

    The Queen smiled and said,

    advice6.jpg

    “Answer me this please Charlie.

    Your mother and father have a child.

    It is not your brother and it is not your sister.

    Who is it?”Without pausing for a moment, Prince Charles answered

    advice7.jpg

    “That would be me.”“Yes! Very good.” said the Queen.

    advice8.jpg

    Tony Abbott went back home to Australia by Qantas

    advice9.jpg

    He decided to ask Joe Hockey the same question.

    “Joe, answer this for me.”

    advice10.jpg

    “Your mother and your father have a child.

    It’s not your brother and it’s not your sister.

    Who is it?”advice11.jpg

    “I’m not sure,” said Hockey.“Let me get back to you on that one.”

    He went to his advisors and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.Frustrated, Hockey went to the toilet, and found Clive Palmer there.

    advice12.jpgJoe Hockey went up to him and asked,“Hey Clive, see if you can answer this question.”

    “Shoot Joe.”

    Your mother and father have a child and it’s not your brother or your sister.

    Who is it?”Clive Palmer answered,

    advice13.jpg

    “That’s easy, it’s me!”

    advice14.jpg

    Joe Hockey grinned, and said,“Good answer Clive, I see it all now!”Joe Hockey then went back to find Tony Abbott.

    “Tony, I thought about it, and I have the answer to that riddle.”

    advice15.jpg

    “It’s Clive Palmer”Tony Abbott got up, stomped over to Joe Hockey, and angrily yelled into his face,

    advice16.jpg“No! You idiot! It’s Prince Charles!”That’s the way it always is in Canberra. You want an answer? Ask someone in the toilet.

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