Guest chippie74

made me smile

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    Guest chippie74

    I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for

    over a year, and so we decided to get married.

     

    There was only one little thing bothering me... It was her beautiful younger

    sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight

    miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when

    she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be

    deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

     

    One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the

    wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me

    that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

     

    She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and

    committed my life to her sister.

     

    Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going

    upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up

    and get me."

     

    I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood

    there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front

    door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

     

    Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

     

    With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very

    happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man

    for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

     

    And the moral of this story is:

     

     

    Always keep your condoms in your car.

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    Guest Roo1

    Ha, ha, how blonde am I??? I was actually getting excited that you two were going to get married, I'd picked out my hat and everything.....then I read the next paragraph......drrrrrrrrrr:p

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    Guest chippie74

    another one :-

     

    Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the

    coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

    After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a

    supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write

    a sexual harassment grievance against him.

    The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks

    "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair

    smells nice?" The woman replies,

     

    "It's Keith, the dwarf."

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    Guest chippie74

    1 more

     

     

     

    paddy goes to see his old mate murphy, who has broken his leg. "can i do anything for you murph" he says. "oh yes mate can you get my slippers from upstairs, my feet are getting cold" paddy runs upstairs goes in the bedroom and there sitting on the bed are murphies two twin girls, ( drop dead gorgous). quick as a flash he tells them "ye dad sent me up to make love to you both" "pixs off" they both reply. i will prove it he says, then shouts downstairs, " both of them murphy !! " "of course," comes back the reply "whats the use in fuxxing one"

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    Guest chippie74

    A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on little Johnny.

     

    ''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.''

     

    The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'' Then Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?''

     

    The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.''

     

    ''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like your thinking.''

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    Guest chippie74

    A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

     

    After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

     

    In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I''m sorry to bother you, but I''m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

     

    The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I''ve got a better idea... just for tonight, let''s pretend we''re married."

     

    The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.

     

    "Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!

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    Guest Deb17

    Chippie, very amusing. Especially the last one. The best comedy is always based on real life. That's just the sort of thing my husband would say!

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    1 more

     

     

     

    paddy goes to see his old mate murphy, who has broken his leg. "can i do anything for you murph" he says. "oh yes mate can you get my slippers from upstairs, my feet are getting cold" paddy runs upstairs goes in the bedroom and there sitting on the bed are murphies two twin girls, ( drop dead gorgous). quick as a flash he tells them "ye dad sent me up to make love to you both" "pixs off" they both reply. i will prove it he says, then shouts downstairs, " both of them murphy !! " "of course," comes back the reply "whats the use in fuxxing one"

     

     

    Now i like this one....very good!!

     

    LOL :biglaugh:

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    Guest chippie74

    Joe stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard day's work to relax. He noticed a man next to him order a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before Joe's curiosity got the best of him.

     

    He leaned over to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little ritual. Why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot and beer?"

     

    The man replied, "There's a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin' good, I'm headin' home!"

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    Guest chippie74

    A little boy, wearing a big red fire hat, was riding a toy fire truck down the street. The truck was being pulled by a beautiful Labrador Retriever. Unfortunately, the rope was tied around the dog's privates, and as a consequence, the truck was going very slowly. A man walking down the street noticed how slowly the boy was being pulled and gently said to him, ''You know, son, that truck would go a lot faster if the rope was tied around your dog's neck.''

     

    The boy nodded in agreement and said, ''But then there wouldn't be a siren.''

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    Guest chippie74

    Everyone know's about U2's Bono and his work in Africa. Last week at a concert, he told the crowd to quiet down and listen to him. He stood there and clapped his hands once every 4 seconds. He then told the crowd, "everytime i clap my hands a child dies in Africa". Someone down in the front row yelled out, " then stop f**king clapping"!!!

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    Guest chippie74

    Gonna catch some flak for this but here goes..

     

    After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one. The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, Newport, Treherbert, parts of Southern England and anywhere in Australia.except adelaide!!

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    Guest chippie74

    A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend.

     

    They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they're just lying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

     

    "Hello? Oh, hi.... I'm so glad that you called.... Really? That's wonderful.... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time.... Oh, that sounds terrific.... Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

     

    She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

     

    "Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

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    Guest Deb17
    Gonna catch some flak for this but here goes..

     

    After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one. The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, Newport, Treherbert, parts of Southern England and anywhere in Australia.except adelaide!!

     

    Ooh, I liked that one! :biglaugh::biglaugh: Notice how you tacked the 'except Adelaide' onto the end of it very sharpish...don't think it's going to save you though mate!! Too many scousers reading this forum!

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    Guest chippie74
    Ooh, I liked that one! :biglaugh::biglaugh: Notice how you tacked the 'except Adelaide' onto the end of it very sharpish...don't think it's going to save you though mate!! Too many scousers reading this forum!

     

     

    noticed i didnt put manchester on it ;)

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    Guest Deb17
    noticed i didnt put manchester on it ;)

    Quite! :biglaugh:But I for one, wouldn't have been the slightest bit personally offended if you'd mentioned Birmingham instead!

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    Guest chippie74

    A guy gets out of the V.D. Hospital and decides to a hire a hooker, since he's been without for so long. Before long, he brings one home, and they have sex four times. After it's over, he turns to her and tells her he hasn't had sex in four months because of being in the V.D. Hospital.

     

    "How's the food there?" asks the hooker. "Because I'm going in there tomorrow!"

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    Guest chippie74

    Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

     

    His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'Lets do it!'

     

    ....and she's always sound asleep

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