In the name of curiosity............

[Guest Guest75]

I have seen this before.To be honest it does not even have to be true to make you laugh and wince at the same time.

 

Also read elsewhere - honest!

 

 

My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be

something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have

outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled

in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes.

 

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my

fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought

something really cool for Toni. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I

was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came

across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For

those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a

less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an

assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you

flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no

long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time

to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed

assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering,

goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never

seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out-way too

cool!

 

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two

triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was

so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin'

directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not

create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for

effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it

against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting

back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did

so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!!

 

Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet

to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

 

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it

couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There

I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little

soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking

that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I

must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and

thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was

going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I did

want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I

wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time. . .

 

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses

perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer

in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and

disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle

spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly

make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

 

All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long,

less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two

itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"

 

Friggin' way-trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

 

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those

of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm

sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as

to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a

tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking

under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a

one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is

like hindsight-always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad

decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't

ya hate that?)

 

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY s**t!

 

DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the

front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the

carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the

fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet,

with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was

standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my

face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" (Note: if

you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution.

There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're

not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a

violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't

dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)

SON-OF-A-BITCH that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was

a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had

left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the

mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh

and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up

with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or

two, I'm pretty sure.

 

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm

offering a reward. They're round, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so

myself. Miss 'em; sure would like to get 'em back...

[Guest Libby1971]

Quite possibly the funniest thing I have read in a long long time!

 

I laughed so much by family thought I was having a seizure and rushed in the room to save me!

 

Thank you Tyke

[Guest PEZ]

I cried reading this, mainly because its sort of thing i would do.

[Guest ali@51]

 

 

 

 

 

[Guest Aussiebound]

OMG, that is so funny. Haven't laughed so much for quite a while!