The Nightmare of having Friends Come to Stay!

[Anne B]

I had my in-laws from Adelaide come and stay with us in England for 2 and a half months once !!!

 

I was dreading it, but we set out the ground rules at the start with the MIL as she tends to fuss and interfere a bit. The agreement was that I did all the cooking / housework etc (she's a hopeless cook) as long as she did all the ironing (I hate ironing). They contributed to the cost of food and paid for things whenever they could.

 

It worked out really well and at the end of their stay I felt I'd got to know them a lot better and liked them a lot more too!

[Guest Fancy a Beer]

If the friendship is strong enough then I would suggest talking about it and airing your views. I know that's what I would have done. I wouldn't let a 17 year relationship go down the tubes because of politeness. I say tell her how you feel and see what happens if she doesn't realise she has been "selfish"..then yes...by all means..good riddance but I just wouldn't dismiss it as quickly as that.

 

Maybe I'm more tolerant and willing to work through things though..each to their own ..we're all different at the end of day and it would be strange world if we weren't.

 

I've had similar situations..a cousin who basically didn't do a hands turn..nor her kids..so what did I to..told her I was at work all day so would appreciate if she could at least make the dinner and then the days I was at home got all her kids doing stuff about the house. If they don't like it..tough..they don't come back..their loss.

 

But that said I still talk to my cousin she's planning on coming over..I didn't take the quick route and dump her, could easily have..but didn't

 

 

I missed that bit out of my original post, I did say something about her daughter and well was very diplomatic but it didnt go down well, huge row and left feeling sooooo uncomfortable in my own home!! Decided to bite our tongues after that!!

[Guest Fancy a Beer]

Saying goodbye is always hard although maybe not in your case !!

So would you have them back again ????

 

 

 

 

 

Ermmmmm NO!!

[Guest guest569]

:biglaugh:Life is full of learning and i feel you won't be bitten twice. Good luck with your next arrivals.

[Guest Fancy a Beer]

My mother on the other hand was a right bitch and didn't speak to me for most of her stay not even our wedding day!!! So we were so glad when she cut her visit short but has told everyone we were horrible to her:err: we waited on her hand and foot and all she did was moan and was very rude about everything. when we droped her off at the airport our son said thank god she's gone so even he noticed. Which was sad as I didn't want him to pick up on her feelings. Family back home knows she can be moody and sulks so have taken no notice but its still not nice that you have gone out your way for them and thats how they repay you and that the only payment we got from her, only thing she paid for while she was here was the trip to the cinema didnt even get a wedding present.

 

 

Sounds like your Mum and Mine should be best mates, mine was exactly the same!!

[Guest sandar1]

Little lesson to you all. Having lived in Washington for 20 years my home became the Australian drop off spot for one and all, lots of all we didn't even know. It became standard for anyone who knew we lived there to suggest to their friends that they could come to stay with us, consequently we ended up with a bunch of strangers and family staying over time. We had a beautiful enormous house, and the number of times we received the comment that the house was too large and jealous jibes I could not count. Often people became friends, some of which are still steadfast friends, but often they would lob up, expect us to collect them at the airport, ferry them around, and they wouldn't even put their hand in their pocket for a beer, let alone a meal. In laws came for a minimum of four weeks, some staying for up to six months with us. Some of them helped with the household costs and chores others didn't. MY MIL complained that all she got to do was look at the shops, after being taken everywhere, friends inviting us around to barbys etc. Could not win. My parents were fantastic, I would leave home at 7.00am and did not return most days when working until after 7.00 at night, loooong commute. When they were there Mum would have the dinner on the table, house in order and kids doing homework, such a huge help, I would take a few weeks off with them, but they would come for a couple of months. Great for the kids and they are both so close to their grandparents having spent lots of quality holidays with them. With other guests, our way of coping with the tourist guide syndrome in the end was to give them a map, a pile of brochures on local attractions, and lists of day tours, and we would drop them off in town, and tell them we would see them at the same spot in the afternoon, or they could catch the train home and we would collect them at the station. Now this either meant that they became independent, or decided life wasn't quite as cushy and would move on. DON'T become what I became the local hotel, and believe me if you allow it everyone's happy to go along for the ride. It is disappointing when lets face it you are a little homesick and really do look forward to a visit and then at the end, you feel used and when comments are made about your new life and how they wouldn't want it, you feel like slapping them up the side of the head. Hey it's natural jealousy. Having said that my American friend has just been for a visit, we had a ball, and she sent me to a day spa for the day it was wonderful, she is coming back in a couple of months and I am so EXCITED.

 

Enjoy yall and have a good weekend.

 

Sandra

[Guest salisbury massive]

Oh you poor love. What a disaster. Still we had much the same for the Easter holidays with my sister and her tribe coming over. 5 people to cater for and look after is certainly a lot harder than the normal 2 visitors we usually get. My 9 year old neice was an absolute nightmare, horrible to Hayley all the time, sulked and whinged when she didn't get what she wanted. We went to the Natural History Museum in the City and she came out declaring that was the MOST boring place she's EVER been. Towards the end I was getting very short with her. We all did the same, kept our mouths shut and we all cheered when we got back in the car after dropping them off. Its amazing how one small child can ruin the joy of seeing my sister.

 

One thing for sure, I won't be moaning about Hayley's behavior for a while. She was an angel in comparision.

 

Jo

[Guest marty]

I always make any freinds who just decide to come to Aus fro a few weeks stay in a hotel, I tell them that we are busy and if I was to come to the UK to see them I bet they would not give up the time they expect us in Aus to give up, and if that does not suit them well their not welcome, I have adopted this practice without exceptions and it works well

[Guest Fancy a Beer]

Just wanted to say my "friend" did smoke outside but the way our house is designed it wafffffted in the house all the time, I have fumigated her bedroom for two days to get rid of the smell of smoke and she didnt smoke in there!! Just goes to show!!

 

It is great to get comments and support from others having been though the same or similar situations! We were talking earlier today to a couple at Football Practise (well soccer) his parents had their best friends come for a 8 week trip, they ended up leaving after 3 weeks and bang the 30 year friendship was gone!

 

We have taken a lot of advice and also from our experience and decided the following

 

1) We will discuss money PRIOR to their arrival and incorporate the costs of food, diesel & Electrics ie washing machine use etc

2) We will NOT take loads of days off work

3) We will advise on day trips places to go and point them in the right direction

4) We will limit stays to a max of 7 nights and then encourage guests to go to Kangaroo Island/Melbourne/etc etc for a few nights, I mean why come all this way to Oz and only see one place?

5) Smokers are welcome but only if they smoke well away from the house

6) Kids with a really **** attitude are NOT welcome under any circumstances!!

7) We are not a hotel simply a family that moved to a great place and whilst willing to share it with anyone and everyone will NOT be taken advantage of ever again!!

 

Could add another 10 points but think that covers the major bits!!

[Guest ben&sharon]

The funny thing about all this is that whilst I'm sure I shall be sharing all of this pain before too long, we've been on the other end of it as well, and that's not too nice!

 

We were collected from Perth airport for a six night stay with some family on our way to Adelaide last year and were subject to a long winded complaint about how some previous visitors had not paid their way within minutes of us getting in the car (after a 26 hour journey, not what we needed!!) It goes without saying that we had every intention of sharing ALL costs, but this started things off on the wrong foot - we didn't feel comfortable for the rest of the week; watching what we ate, drank and used, and this is with the family that stayed in our house for a week before they emigrated.....

 

Seems like the best idea IS just to make everyone use hotels! Although we're even starting to look at houses with granny flats, in anticipation of these problems.....

[Guest brandyslad]

We aren't even there yet and this has come into my head. I keep thinking it will be like centuries ago when two irish people landed in New York and next thing there were thousands of them!!!!!

 

I have two brother in laws and partners wanting to come over, one set I think I could manage to tolerate for a week or two (even though they are as miserable as sin, money wise) and as for the other couple, I told the OH when they come I am going to Tasmania for a month.

[Guest The Pottertons]

I thimk amidst all of these posts we may be able to collate a "Survival Guide" I did say to hubby a while back we need to think of an action plan from the start as i too love my space and can get easily irritated!!! other peoples disrespectful kids tho.......thats a whole other challenge! Im sure you now need a holiday to get over their holiday!!!! Yvonne x:arghh:

[Guest rowy]

Oh my God! I am not giving anyone my address! Infact I am going to say am moving to NZ so they cant find us!!

[Guest sandar1]

Hey Ben and Sharon, do not and I repeat do not buy a house with a granny flat just so others can come and stay, buy something that suits you and your family everyone thinks that granny flats will be handy when there are teenagers around NOT AND I REPEAT NOT, its a great little retreat for them to hold their boozy parties and to slip out of during the night when everyone's asleep (believe me I have been there). If friends come to visit they have to fit in with you, as I mentioned before it is great if you can get them to some websites which show other things to go and places to visit, probably a tactful way of saying well you can come but not for the whole time to stay with us. I agree also it gets b..........y expensive having to feed everyone else as well as your lot.

 

Anyway happy house hunting.

 

Sandra

[Guest ben&sharon]

Hey Ben and Sharon, do not and I repeat do not buy a house with a granny flat just so others can come and stay, buy something that suits you and your family everyone thinks that granny flats will be handy when there are teenagers around NOT AND I REPEAT NOT, its a great little retreat for them to hold their boozy parties and to slip out of during the night when everyone's asleep (believe me I have been there). If friends come to visit they have to fit in with you, as I mentioned before it is great if you can get them to some websites which show other things to go and places to visit, probably a tactful way of saying well you can come but not for the whole time to stay with us. I agree also it gets b..........y expensive having to feed everyone else as well as your lot.

 

Anyway happy house hunting.

 

Sandra

 

 

:biglaugh:Not sure how to answer that one - you haven't met my mother!! I'd love her to come and stay with us for an extended period - she's fab with my little one and I love her to bits. But the thought of having to share our sofa every night???!!! We'd kill each other. Much better if she could pop off somewhere and watch what she wanted on TV. And if she posted on here, I'm sure she'd say the same!! And we're a LONG way off the teenager stage yet - plenty of time to put in the electric fence......

 

On the serious side, though - I do get your point. My husband has a small reservation in that it might actually encourage extended stays........

[Guest sandar1]

Ben and Sharon, I agree that if its your Mum and Dad and you get along well and they are going to be supportive and be of help it makes sense, as I mentioned in a previous post my parents would come to the States to stay with us for extended periods, and they were absolutely fantastic, and it was a great bonding time for them and the kids. Just make sure if you get the granny flat that you pack it to the rafters when your parents are not there so that you can say, sorry no room, welcome to visit but you will have to stay elsewhere, or on the couch for a couple of days (if not too comfy wont stay too long is the usual answer). All the best, and everyone enjoy your parents while you can.

 

Sandra

[ShaunWilson]

Well we have father-in-law and his brother staying at ours just now. They arrived 2 weeks ago, and have got 2 weeks left. I assumed my wife would be coping with it all quite fine (as i got called away to work in Africa for 5 weeks, and left 2 days before they got here!) as we hadn't seen anyone since we made the move almost 2 years ago. However i now see that she will probably be going off her head with them being under her feet, and trying to find things for them to do, especially as i am not there to help out, and take them to the pub to give her a break. Guess i better get online flower shop and send something to cheer her up........

[Guest Fancy a Beer]

Hey Ben and Sharon, do not and I repeat do not buy a house with a granny flat just so others can come and stay, buy something that suits you and your family everyone thinks that granny flats will be handy when there are teenagers around NOT AND I REPEAT NOT, its a great little retreat for them to hold their boozy parties and to slip out of during the night when everyone's asleep (believe me I have been there). If friends come to visit they have to fit in with you, as I mentioned before it is great if you can get them to some websites which show other things to go and places to visit, probably a tactful way of saying well you can come but not for the whole time to stay with us. I agree also it gets b..........y expensive having to feed everyone else as well as your lot.

 

Anyway happy house hunting.

 

Sandra

 

 

I am totally with you on this one, DONT DO IT!! We bought and did so many things when we arrived "for when people come to stay" and we look back now and think we were mental!! (To be honest we probably were!!).

 

It will encourage not just your friends and family to stay for longer but also for them to invite their friends and their family to come and stay with you toooo, believe me I have a friend that has recently moved to get AWAY from having tooo much space in her house to stop unwanted visitors!

[Guest Fancy a Beer]

Well near on a week after they left, I today received an email from my friend, basically saying that she thanked me for everything I had taught her on her trip to Adelaide, no detail of what i did teach (to be honest wasnt aware I had become a teacher) but that she had now implimented new procedures to rectify the problems with her kids!!

 

So I guess around the houses its like a sort of appology of what went on when they were here and I guess at least she now realises how bad it was!!! She seems to think that the new procedures will sort the attitude of her daughter out, personally I am not so sure but now they are the other side of the world its not my worry!!

 

I think having had a week to reflect and discuss with mates and hubby and my kids, some of it is now funny, very funny while it wasnt at the time it has however ensured that if ever someone wants to come and stay with us again (god help us) there will be strict procedures put in place prior to their arrival!! That way we will all enjoy our time together and I wont feel like I still do today knackered!!

[Guest sandar1]

You are right once they are gone and you start to reflect upon everything, and sit around with your friends who have been through the same its a bit like a Benny Hill skit and quite funny, but at the time you feel like throttling the whole lot of them. All the best to you all. I'm trying to organize a barb at the shop great back garden on a Sunday probably in about a month, anyone interested.

 

Sandra D