Guest suttons

am i being selfish to live in Adelaide

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    Guest suttons

    I wonder if anyone has been in the same situation and could give me any advise on how to handle the situation.

     

    I have always lived close to my family, and will miss my mum dreadfully once we leavein a few months, but she has been very supportive and has promised to come and visit as have both my brothers. This has been an ongoing process for the last few years, visas etc so it has come as no surprise to anyone and now after deliberating about alll the pros and cons we have decided that unless we come out and give it a really good try the we will always have the 'what if' mentallity. I still have doubts about leaving the family and hoping that this really is the best decision for the children, i know our reasons for coming out mainly for the quality of life as a family and they havent changed.

     

    My problem is that we are now putting the house on the market and a few weeks ago my sister stopped talking to me completely. She emailed me to tell me i was being selfish, and why did i think it was ok to take the children away from the family, the email became abusive ending with telling me to have a nice life and she hasnt spoken to me since, i have tried but she doesnt want to know. SHe has since told my brother that i have proved in the last few weeks that i dont care, and that i can manage very well without them. I understand that she is upset that i am moving and that she wont spend as much time with the children but i cant change my plans because of emotional blackmail can i ? but i feel we are going to be getting on a plane in the summer without even saying goodbye, im not sleeping very well and crying alot. x

     

    Thanks for any replies.

     

    Shona x

     

    Shona (37), Ian (37), Elisha (12), Mitchell (9), Ty (3)

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    Guest Gertrude

    You are not been selfish wanting a better future for your children. I left the UK 17 years ago with my 13 & 14 year old sons, leaving my 20 year old to live with his grandma. It was the right thing to do. My sons here would never go back to live and my eldest one is hopefully coming over in near future.

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    Simple answer - NO, you are not being selfish (but your UK family are)

     

    Don't give in to emotional blackmail but try to remain civil and keep in touch however much it hurts at first. Just try to keep the communication lines open - they'll get used tot he idea eventually.

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    You are not being selfish.... dont give in to their behaviour!!! You are trying to find a better future for you and your family.

    I would email her back explaining the reasons why you are going and how much it means to you.... dont lose contact with her over this...

    I hope you get it sorted..

    jules x

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    jelousy brings out the worst in people.

    We to are leaving in a few months time. It will be hard the last few days.

    But if we dont do this now we never will and you only live once.

    And if it doesn't work then it wasn't for the lack of trying.

     

    I think your sister will come round eventually she can't be mad forever.

    Good luck and live the dream.

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    I wonder if anyone has been in the same situation and could give me any advise on how to handle the situation.

     

    I have always lived close to my family, and will miss my mum dreadfully once we leavein a few months, but she has been very supportive and has promised to come and visit as have both my brothers. This has been an ongoing process for the last few years, visas etc so it has come as no surprise to anyone and now after deliberating about alll the pros and cons we have decided that unless we come out and give it a really good try the we will always have the 'what if' mentallity. I still have doubts about leaving the family and hoping that this really is the best decision for the children, i know our reasons for coming out mainly for the quality of life as a family and they havent changed.

     

    My problem is that we are now putting the house on the market and a few weeks ago my sister stopped talking to me completely. She emailed me to tell me i was being selfish, and why did i think it was ok to take the children away from the family, the email became abusive ending with telling me to have a nice life and she hasnt spoken to me since, i have tried but she doesnt want to know. SHe has since told my brother that i have proved in the last few weeks that i dont care, and that i can manage very well without them. I understand that she is upset that i am moving and that she wont spend as much time with the children but i cant change my plans because of emotional blackmail can i ? but i feel we are going to be getting on a plane in the summer without even saying goodbye, im not sleeping very well and crying alot. x

     

    Thanks for any replies.

     

    Shona x

     

    Shona (37), Ian (37), Elisha (12), Mitchell (9), Ty (3)

     

    I told my parents last week, it was hard as they both love there grandsons ben age 3 and luke 19 months. they where a little taken aback . they dont want to talk about it, but they do except our reasons for us wanting to go. not spoken to my sister about it as yet but ready for her, as last year she only saw us once that was just after xmas. they dont phone or go out there way to visit. so i dont have any probs with leaving my sis. my parents yes it will be hard but i have my family to think of now. so no your are not been selfish your sister is. chin up you are doing the best thing you have your own family unit to think of.

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    Guest Adelaide_bound

    I think we let families get away with a lot due to the fact we are related by some quirk of natural selection and nature. Would you be ok with a friend acting like this to you? How about a collegue? Then why is it ok for a family member?

     

    She is being completely selfish herself, at the end of the day, now you are married and have children, your first priority has to be the kids, not her, thats not being selfish its called being a good mother (and I wish more were!). The fact that you have doubts about going yourself, but want to do this for your family proves it is not you being selfish.

     

    If she doesn't want to talk to you, its upsetting (I know, we are in a similar position, but luckily we don't care two jots), but her loss, not yours. What a shame she won't benefit from the options and experiences you are opening up to everyone in your family (your extended family by enabling them to take cheaper holidays Down Under and experience it).

     

    Keep your chin up and happy in the fact you are doing the best thing for your family, sour grapes are horrid, hopefully she will grow up and get over herself at some point in the future.

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    No-one here is going to say you are being selfish! But you can receive encouragement to go through with the move and many of us have similar stories of family reactions by the look of it. My parents took it hard, and my sister also used the opportunity to rant and say some things. But I think that this is just the way she has chosen to react to you, can't handle the news and it's come out this way. Don't take it personally and also give her some space to deal with it and come back to you. Keep the door open to communication - maybe send her a message saying that you are sorry she feels so bad about your leaving, it's a difficult decision but feels the right one for your family. Tell her you love her and you will be ready to chat to her more about it when she feels able to discuss it amicably.

     

    Then you have done all you can do. She can either take you up on that offer, or doesn't have to. Just make sure you are right in your own head about it - meaning, you know why you are coming, and you are not leaving with bad blood. She'll come round. Mine did. Never apologised, I didn't expect it, and things are as fine between us as they ever are. ANd my parents have said many times how well we are doing here, and how settled we are. They are sad, but have accepted it.

     

    My best advice to you about how to handle attacks about your decision is just keep turning it back on to the person doing the ranting. Tell them you are sorry that they feel this way about your decision, sorry you see it like that, sorry you feel that way, sorry it's hard for you, etcetc. You can just repeat it till they run out of steam. That's what happened with my sister. She rang and told me how terrible my parents had felt and how mum hadn't got out of bed for 2 days (she was ill, but that's beside the point!!!) and I just said "well I am really sad to hear that but that's not what they've said to me, I can't deal with it if they don't tell me how they feel" and then all the "sorry it's hard for you" thing that I was just suggesting above. It fizzled out, she eventually got bored with not getting a reaction out of me.

     

    The minute you begin justifying your decision to people who just want to have a go at you, you start a battle you can't win. THEY can't win if you don't rise to the bait.

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    I don't think you'll be changing your plans. This isn't just about you, its your husband and children also.

     

    I think your sister sounds like she perhaps never really thought it would come to this and now it has, she has found herself ill prepared for the feelings she is experiencing. And so has lashed out and perhaps now either doesn't wish to talk to you because she knows she was out of order or perhaps just needs time to cool down and let her emotions stop running away with her.

     

    I certainly don't think you should be crying yourself to sleep about this, although easier said than done. She is your sister and you are obviously close or get on well. But you cannot stop living your life because of things she has said. She is the one cutting you off right now, not talking to you. Just keep channels open with the rest of your family and let them know you have no hard feelings and that you hope she'll get past this soon. Perhaps write her a letter, just a short one to let her know there are no hard feelings and you will be more than happy to talk to her if she changes her mind. Leave the door open for her.

     

    I don't think for one second you are being selfish as such. Its a big move, not one you've taken lightly and you've certainly been open about it from what you have said. And as you mentioned, you don't want to live life and wonder 'what if'. At least being able to give it a try for a few years you'll find out. And if you decide to come back because it didn't work for you then so be it. I am sure your family know this is also something that might happen.

     

    I do think your sister is hurting at you leaving and has lashed out and used your children and taking them away from the family because she knows it will hurt you. But to change your mind now, based on this behaviour from her would I think be a bit of a disaster as you, your husband and kids may end up resenting her or worse. So go, for you, your hubby and your kids. Embrace it, have an adventure and all being well it'll be a great one. If not you know you can always return. Better to try than to wonder I reckon.

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    Just one thing, does your sister have children of her own? The way you write it sounds almost like she might not. But again, you cannot stop living your lives as you feel you need to.

     

    If your family are focusing on the positives like being able to visit for holidays then thats good. Also get them used to Skype before you go and really embrace it. We do and its been a revelation to use instead of phone calls. Our son really interacts and its a casual thing. Heck, we even attended a baby shower (sort of) all the way over in Adelaide via Skype today. All the family were there so they called us on it, we chatted with different people for an hour, heard about the baby shower and so on. It was a lovely way to start the day :D

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    Guest guest3462

    I think in many families there are similar reactions. There certainly was in ours. My sister did not speak to me Fu tbs and accused me of child abuse for taking "her" children away from her!!! My mum ad dad were sad but supportive though my mum is still difficult about the fact we love it here. (she decided not to love it when she came whether she actually did or not!) and Richards mum spent every day of the first 6 months we were here in tears asking us if we had booked our flights home cos she was dying inside!! She then came out to see us, loved it here and is coming again in 2 weeks and again in October!! My sister did get over herself eventually but not before she almost destroyed our relationship with nasty actions we are now almost back to normal after I went back to the uk to see her.

    You are not selfish at all to want better things for you and your family. You ate courageous and adventurous and should be praised for giving your family what you think is best. I take my hat off to all who jump into emigrating and I'm sure you will be just fine when the time comes to move.

    talk to your sister by what ever media methods available to you anduse your more supportive family members to your advantage for support. Best of luck to you, try not to lose sleep over it, you have enough on without that as well.

    Julia x

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    Guest leeannekays

    Us planning to move to Oz is causing abit of a "atmosphere" with my mum. She will not discuss it therefore makes it hard for me.

    She lived her life exactly the way she wanted to and that is what keeps me going. I have to think of my OH and our 2 young children. I dont know what she would be like if we got the actual visa! Scary

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    Guest suttons

    thanks to all the replies, such as great response from everyone and just confirmed what i was feeling inside really. I know i have no reason to feel guilt. I did email after the first email to explain to her our reasons for going etc, but i think the fact that my hubbys sister is in Adelaide is what causes some of the jealousy maybe that she wont be the closest auntie anymore, i think.

     

     

    In answer to one of the questions, she has one son who is 15 and pretty much has a great social life with his friends and so is not at home much. I do think part of this is a little bit of not feeling needed anymore too.

     

    I will do as advised though and continue to keep lines of communication open, and possibly write her a letter nearer to us leaving. Hopefully she will come out and see what a great life we have (fingers crossed) and realise we did do the right thing for the children.

     

    thanks again everyone xx

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