I say, I say, I say..

[Guest Cadas]

A man walks into a bar and orders three pints of beer. He then takes them all to a table in the corner and proceeds slowly to drink each one in turn. He does this a couple more times, buying three pints each time and then leaves.

 

After doing this every night for a week, the barman finally builds up the courage to ask why.

 

'Well' says the man, I live here but I have two brother, one in America one back home in Ireland. Every night back home we would always have pint together, so we carry on the tradition now we live apart'.... So mystery solved, and this goes on for a few weeks.

 

One day however, the man came in and order two pints only, taking both to the table in the corner and drinking quietly.

 

And the next night. And the one after.

 

Concerned the barman asked quietly if something had happened, were his brothers ok.

 

'Oh yes' came the reply, 'they are fine, but I have given up drinking for lent'

[Keith & Linda]

Why do Italian boys grow moustaches?.................................................................................................. so they can look like their mother!!

 

How do they seperate the men from the boys in Greece?...........................................................................with a crow bar!

 

What do you call a beautiful woman in Russia?.........................................................................................A tourist!

 

The Irish went to help out with war in Iraq, they sent 2 ship loads of sand and 1 loaded with cement......... planning a mortar attack!!

[Ktee]

A blonde tourist walked into Harvey Normans and asked to buy a PM radio. Thinking this must be a new kind of radio overseas, the salesman said, "What does it do?" She replied, "It plays at night. I already have an AM radio for the day."

[Ktee]

Q: Why was the blonde tourist so pleased with

herself when she finished the jigsaw puzzle

of the Sydney skyline?

A: It said 3 - 4 years on the box and she

finished it in 6 months.

[Ktee]

One night, Mrs McMillen answers the door to see her husbands best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep.

"Hello Paddy, but where is my husband? He went with you to the beer factory"

Paddy shook his head. "Ah Mrs McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the beer factory, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness stout and drowned"

Mrs McMillen starts crying. "Oh don't tell me that, did he at least go quickly?"

Paddy shakes his head. "Not really - he got out 3 times to pee!"

[Ktee]

An Irishman was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large mall's parking lot.

"Lord,"he prayed,"I can't stand this.If you open a space up for me,I swear I'll give up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday."

Suddenly, the clouds parted and the sun shone on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man said,"Never mind,I found one."

 

[Ktee]

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

[spanners]

The only joke I've ever remembered - and to make it better (to me) it follows in the true DaDaist / Billy Boloski / Alexie Sayle tradition. My wife doesn't think its funny but I do.

 

Bethoven was so deaf he thought he was a painter.

[Keith & Linda]

John. Pete & Mick work on a building, john falls off the scaffold and dies, pete and mick toss a coin to see who goes to tell john's wife, Pete loses so off he goes to tell johns wife, an hour later he returns with a six pack of beer, mick asks where did you get the beers pete? Johns wife gave them to me he replies, how come asks mick, well says pete when she answered the door I said are you Johns widow? she said I am not a widow! so I said I'll bet you a six pack!!

[Keith & Linda]

As it's Yorkshire day (white rose rules ok!) a rose joke------------------------------ What is better than roses on your piano?--------------------

Tulips on your organ:notworthy:

[Ktee]

As it's Yorkshire day (white rose rules ok!) a rose joke------------------------------ What is better than roses on your piano?--------------------

Tulips on your organ:notworthy:

 

[Ktee]

During the War of the Roses, in a village near the border of Lancashire and Yorkshire, the villagers hear the cry "One Yorkshire man is stronger than one hundred Lancashire men."

 

The village is on the Lancashire side of the border. Offended, the angry villagers run towards the voice of the arrogant Yorkshireman, but none return.

 

The next day, in a village further along the border the same cry is heard. The villagers ran out to try to find the offensive Yorkshireman making such a bold claim, but again, no one returns to the village.

 

The next day, in another village on the Lancashire side of the border, the same cry is heard. But before the men of this village set off running, they are stopped by a lone survivor of the previous episodes. He runs towards them shouting 'Stop! Don't go! It's a trap! There's TWO of them!"

[Ktee]

Bloke’s missus deed. So, ‘e ‘ad funeral ti sort oot. Talkin’ ti t’undertecker, lewkin’ at ‘eadstoans an’ all.

 

“What inscription dis tha want?” asks undertecker.

 

“Oh, nowt special,” sez ‘e. “Costs too mich, tha knows. Just “Ere lies...”, an’ all.”

 

“Ah’ve gorra special this week – free extra inscription – summat from t’Bible, mebbe. It’ll cost tha nowt.”

 

“Nowt, eh? Well, reckon a can afford un, then.”

 

So, undertecker shows ‘im some examples, an’ ‘e decides on, “She was Thine.”

 

“Aye, that’s a good ‘un,” sez undertecker, an’ tells ‘im to come back next day ti see t’result.

 

This ‘e dis, an’ ‘e reads inscription. It sez, “Ere lies...”, an’ all, an’ ends, “She was Thin.”

 

“Ere, that’s neah good!” sez ‘e. “Tha’s missed out the E – learks tha!”

 

Undertecker looks, sees ‘is misteck. “Give us a couple ‘ours, an’ ah’ll sort it out fer thi,” sez ‘e.

 

Feller comes back later. Reads inscription: “Ere lies...”, an’ all... “Eee, she was Thin.”

[Ktee]

Lancashire man, Londoner, Brummie and Yorkshire man are all in a private jet. Soon the aeroplane runs into difficulties and the four men all draw up an agreement that whoever died, each of the survivors would put £200 each into the dead man's coffin to help him on the way to the next world.

 

Sure enough, the Londoner dies and the Lancashire man, Brummie and Yorkshireman all agree to putting £200 into the Londoner's coffin. The Brummie puts in his £200 in £20 notes, the Lancashire man puts his £200 in £10 notes. They leave the Yorkshireman to put his money into the coffin - the Yorkshireman writes out a cheque for £600 and takes £400 change.

[Ktee]

Two Leeds fans talking. The first guy says: "Did you hear about Bert? 'E were found shagging a sheep behind the barn last night?"

"Female sheep was it?"

"Course it were. There's nowt queer about Bert!"

[Ktee]

A tourist in Yorkshire sees a man bent over a sheep.

"Are you shearing?" asks the tourist.

The Yorkshire man replies "No, get your own, there's one over there."

[Ktee]

"Hellooo I would like som de-odorant please."

"Certainly sir, ball or aerosol?"

"Neither, I want it for my armpits."

[Keith & Linda]

"Hellooo I would like som de-odorant please."

"Certainly sir, ball or aerosol?"

"Neither, I want it for my armpits."

 

My wife had to take our Schnauzer dog the the vets as it had a hearing problem, the vet found it had a lot of hair growing and getting clogged up, so he clips the hair and tells the wife to get some 'Nair' hair remover and apply regulary and that should solve the problem. So of she went to the chemist and asks for the 'Nair" hair remover, and the chemist offers some advice to her, " if your using this on your armpits then do not use deoderant for a few days" I'm not using it on my armpits she says, "well then if using it on your legs then do not use body lotion for a day or two" (you all know where this one is heading don't you?) I'm not using it on my legs either she says, and if you really want to know I am using it on my Schnauzer, " well, say the chemist, in that case don't ride a bike for a week!":biglaugh:

 

Ktee, do you think we tell everyone the name of our book?

[Ktee]

It took me a while to get this one, probably being blonde doesnt help.

 

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together. A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people the four men can't see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks: ''Can you see me now?'' The four men answer: ''Yes.'' ''Oui.'' ''Si.'' ''Ja.''

[Ktee]

An antarctican goes into a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. She looks on the side of her cup and finds a peel-off prize. She pulls off the tab and yells, "I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home! I WON a motor home!"

The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!"

The antarctican replies, "No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!" By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor homes because we didn't have that as a prize!"

Again the antarctican says, "No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!" She hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."

 

[Ktee]

FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

 

FIVE MINUTES

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

 

NOTHING

This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

 

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

 

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)

This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

 

LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

 

SOFT SIGH

Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

 

THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

 

GO AHEAD!

At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

 

PLEASE DO

This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

 

THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

 

THANKS A LOT

This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

[Keith & Linda]

Got it, but i'm grey! (natural)

[Ktee]

It's all in the punctuation:

An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing."

[Ktee]

MAN:

1) Pull up to machine

2) Wind window down

3) Insert ATM card, enter PIN

4) Retrieve cash

5) Drive away

 

WOMAN:

1) Pull up to machine

2) Open door (too far away from machine)

3) Search through all of the 112 compartments in handbag for ATM card

4) Do make up, apply lipstick, fix hair

5) Insert Card

6) Remove card

7) Insert card the correct way up

8) Search for piece of paper with PIN on it

9) Enter PIN

10) Enter correct PIN

11) Retrieve cash, put in bag

12) Drive off

13) Reverse back to machine

14) Retrieve card

15) Drive three miles away

16) Release hand-brake

[Ktee]

A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."

The next day he received a hundred letters.

They all said the same: "You can have mine."