I say, I say, I say..

[Keith & Linda]

Paddy O'Murphy's wife gave birth to twins and he demanded to know who the other man was...

 

He's actually married to my blonde sister and with me in mind they named one Denise and the other Denephew!!!

[Keith & Linda]

If you weigh a whale at a whaleway station then where would you weigh a pie? answer will follow shortly. Don't, if you already know, spoil the fun by posting the answer too soon.

[Keith & Linda]

Another poser which I think will be OK on this thread! There is a brothel on the top of a hill, there is a man on his way up to the brothel, there is a man on his way down from it and there is a man in the brothel, now what are the nationalities of those 3 men? Again if you already know the answer do not post just yet, let the grey matter in others get turning! answer to be posted soon!!

[Ktee]

If you weigh a whale at a whaleway station then where would you weigh a pie? answer will follow shortly. Don't, if you already know, spoil the fun by posting the answer too soon.

Come on some of us are falling asleep waiting

[Ktee]

A blonde goes to the doctor with both of her ears and her right hand are burned. "Sit down and tell me how it happened," says the doctor.

 

"I was ironing my clothes when I received a call. Instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and burned my ear."

 

"'What about the other ear and your hand?"

 

"I tried to call for an ambulance."

[Ktee]

An old couple celebrates their 50th wedding anniversary in their home.

 

 

"Just think," the old man says, "we were sitting here at this same breakfast table, naked as jaybirds, 50 years ago."

 

 

"Well," the old lady snickers, "what do you say -- should we get naked?"

 

 

The two immediately strip to the buff and sit back down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady says slyly, "My breasts burn for you now as they did 50 years ago."

 

 

"I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!"

[Ktee]

A woman meets with her lover, who is also her husband's best friend.

 

 

They make love for hours. Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

 

 

"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Love you, too. OK. Bye-bye."

 

 

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

 

 

"Oh," she replies, "That was my husband telling me about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

[Keith & Linda]

Come on some of us are falling asleep waiting

 

No one has had a guess yet!! think its boring or just too hard!!! clue--------Wizard of OZ

[Guest Claire-n-tel]

If you weigh a whale at a whaleway station then where would you weigh a pie? answer will follow shortly. Don't, if you already know, spoil the fun by posting the answer too soon.

 

Over the rainbow

[Guest Claire-n-tel]

Another poser which I think will be OK on this thread! There is a brothel on the top of a hill, there is a man on his way up to the brothel, there is a man on his way down from it and there is a man in the brothel, now what are the nationalities of those 3 men? Again if you already know the answer do not post just yet, let the grey matter in others get turning! answer to be posted soon!!

 

the one arriving is russian

the one leaving is finnish

the one doing the deed is himalayin.

[Keith & Linda]

A woman meets with her lover, who is also her husband's best friend.

 

 

They make love for hours. Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

 

 

"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Love you, too. OK. Bye-bye."

 

 

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

 

 

"Oh," she replies, "That was my husband telling me about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

 

Your last few are good Ktee but afraid heard them all we must have read the same books!! here's one for you girls to tell..... They say that sex is one of the best forms of exercise! now correct me if I am wrong, but 2min 15sec every 3 months his not going to shift that beer belly!!!

[Guest Claire-n-tel]

Didn't want to spoil you fun too quick Keith

[Ktee]

Your last few are good Ktee but afraid heard them all we must have read the same books!! here's one for you girls to tell..... They say that sex is one of the best forms of exercise! now correct me if I am wrong, but 2min 15sec every 3 months his not going to shift that beer belly!!!

 

Every 3 months??? You are lucky

[Keith & Linda]

Over the rainbow

Well done, did you know it or work it out?

everybody else if you are still not sure then try singing the song from Wizard of OZ 'some where over the rainbow.......................

[Ktee]

They say an Englishman laughs three times at a joke. The first time when everybody gets it, the second a week later when he thinks he gets it, the third time a month later when somebody explains it to him.

[Keith & Linda]

Every 3 months??? You are lucky

 

But I have not got a beer belly!!!!! :wink:

[Ktee]

Well done, did you know it or work it out?

everybody else if you are still not sure then try singing the song from Wizard of OZ 'some where over the rainbow.......................

 

Told you I'm a blonde I didn't get it until you just explained

[Ktee]

And for the tightfisted Yorkshire Men out there

 

Stanley decided to lookup his friend Alf, who was a tight-fisted Yorkshireman. He found Alf at his bungalow in Leeds stripping the wallpaper from the dining room. Rather obviously, he remarked, "You're decorating, I see." To which Alf replied, "Nay Stanley lad, I'm moving 'ouse to Bradford."

[Keith & Linda]

They say an Englishman laughs three times at a joke. The first time when everybody gets it, the second a week later when he thinks he gets it, the third time a month later when somebody explains it to him.

 

I will mark the date on my calander!!!

[Ktee]

Monty Kelly, a rich man who lived near Darwin, Northern Territory, Australia decided that he wanted to throw a party. So he invited his buddies including Darel, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.

The party was held around the pool in the backyard of Monty's mansion. Everyone was having a good time dancing, eating prawns, oysters and drinking and flirting.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 16ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'

The words were barely out of Monty's mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Darel in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and choke holds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Darel and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Darel strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.

Darel then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. The Monty says, 'Well, Darel, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.' 'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Darel.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about a new car?'

'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Darel.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Rolex watch and some stock options? Again, Darel said "No."

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Darel, then what do you want?

Darel said, 'I just want the b****** who pushed me in.'

[Keith & Linda]

And for the tightfisted Yorkshire Men out there

 

Stanley decided to lookup his friend Alf, who was a tight-fisted Yorkshireman. He found Alf at his bungalow in Leeds stripping the wallpaper from the dining room. Rather obviously, he remarked, "You're decorating, I see." To which Alf replied, "Nay Stanley lad, I'm moving 'ouse to Bradford."

 

Yorkshire men are not tightfisted, we are very generous indeed, well with the things we don't want, for example I would give anybody the smell of a fart!!! Also contrary to common rumour it was not two yorkshiremen whom invented copper wire when fighting over a penny!! it was two Scotsmen!! and it was also a Scotsman whom dropped a penny and it hit him on the back of the head when he bent down to pick it up!!

 

Gee I can see whats going to come my way now!! well wait for the welsh ones, there coming soon!!!

[Ktee]

Bloke from Barnsley with a sore arsehole asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"

Chemist replies "Aye, magnum or cornetto?"

[Ktee]

I've got a Chinese neighbour, bless her she religiously puts her bins out on collection daqy but last week she missed it.

 

 

I saw her that evening and said 'where's your bin'

 

she said 'I bin Hong Kong'

 

realising she misunderstood I said 'no wheres your dustbin?'

 

she said 'I dust bin Hong Kong'

 

 

in a final attempt to make myself understood I said 'no --- where's your wheely bin'

 

 

she said' I dust told you I wheely bin Hong Kong'

[Keith & Linda]

An Englishman an Irish man and a Scotsman, walk into a pub the barman says what's this some type of joke!!

 

The local shop ran out of milk but fortunately for me my elderly neighbour Ethel has plenty stacked up on her doorstep!

 

In Bradford last night a Muslim was shot with a Starting Pistol, the police are certain its race related!!

 

I went to the local chemist for some condoms, the assistant said they haven't got any and have I tried Boots, I said yes but it leaks out of the lace holes!!!

 

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest but explaining thay were not a dating agency!

 

Things were bad when I was a Kid the older boys used to cover me with cream and chocolate and put a cherry on my head..... yes life was tough in the Gateau!!! chringe

Edited July 8, 2013 by Keith & Linda
spelling mistake

[jtct]

I'll probably get banned but I couldn't resist these

 

Some of these are rather risque and they're certainly not politically correct- but a lot of them are rather funny!

 

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do

was eat, drink and be Mary.

 

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a

turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

 

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself

next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it

home safely.

 

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said,

"Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

 

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to

hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

 

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window.

If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

 

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be

honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

 

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women

happy.

Nothing.

 

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can

supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change

supplier I think.

 

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said

white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.

 

I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.

 

 

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

 

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .

Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...

 

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's

Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.

 

ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"

And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another

Thai Brothel!!!

 

Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.

Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!

 

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver,

bronze, copper & lead.

 

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a

Middle aged couple from Weymouth.

 

An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan ! He is

making land Mines that look like prayer mats! It’s doing well!

Prophets are going through the roof!!

 

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast,

they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

 

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'

Granny replies, f@@k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!

 

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.

Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'

Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.

Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'

Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'

 

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look

horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'

He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

 

 

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face

or my sexy body?'

Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!

 

An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife

leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what

do you think I should do?'

He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'