I say, I say, I say..

[Guest Cadas]

Yorkshire farmer sat in a pub looking downcast (more than normal anyway) when the barman comes over and asks "watsup...?"

 

"Got to get a new donkey....ungrateful animal"

 

"Why..?"

 

"Cos I have spent months teaching it to eat nowt and the buggers gone a died on me"

[Keith & Linda]

It's Friday so lets have a little fun:biggrin:.......................What is a mainland Aussie blokes idea of fore play?.......... a slap on the ar$# and saying "hey darl' you awake".....

What is a Tasmanian blokes idea of foreplay?.......... a slap on the ar$# and saying "hey mum you awake":biglaugh:

[Keith & Linda]

Ladies, do you want to know how to get a man to wash his hands after he has been to the toilet?............................................................................................

 

 

[Keith & Linda]

The train from Birmingham to London Wembly carrying West Brom fans is fully booked!

[Guest oztostay]

[emmie]

There was a cruise ship that was going through some rough waters that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small abandoned island.

 

There where only 3 survivors, 2 guys and a girl.

 

They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.

 

After several years of intimacy all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having relations with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.

 

It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it.

 

Well, time went by and of course the guys still had their 'needs'. But after a couple of years they began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

 

So... they buried her.

[Keith & Linda]

A guy is marooned on a deserted island, after many years a Blonde beauty in her wet suit swims ashore and greets him, she undo's a zipper on a suit and pulls out a can of beer and gives it to him, she then undo's another zipper and pulls out a packet of chocolates for him, she then undo's another zipper and pulls out a burger, the guy is overwhelmed with delight, the blonde beauty says to him "it must have being very lonely for you" and as she starts to undo another zipper says "would you like to play around?" gee says the guy, have you got a set of golf clubs in there too?

[Keith & Linda]

Well it's Friday again, time to lighten-up for the weekend . so I have a couple of stories with morals!......................................................................

 

1) A turkey was chatting with a bull and says "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree" sighed thr Turkey "but I haven't got the energy", "well why don't you nibble on some of my droppings, it's full of nutrients" replied the bull. So the turkey pecked at a lump of the bulls dung and found he had the energy to got onto the 1st branche. The next day after eating some more dung he managed to get to the second branch, finally on the fourth day the turkey was able to sit proudly on the top branch, where he was promptly spotted by the farmer, who then shot him out of the tree!

MORAL of the story:- Bull**** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there!

 

2) A little bird left it a late to start it's journey flying south and it was so cold the bird half froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While he was laying there a cow came along and dropped some dun on him. As the warm dung began to thaw the bird out it made him so happy to be warm again he started to chirp and sing for joy. A passing farm cat heard the singing and followed the noise to the cowpat where he promptly dug the little bird out and ate him.

MORALS of the story:- (1) not everyone who craps on you is your enemy. (2) not everyone who gets you out of the crap is your friend. and (3) when your in deep crap, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

 

Have a great weekend all:smile:

[Keith & Linda]

Two blondes talking, " what's hubby getting you for your birthday?" "roses and that's a given" " why what's wrong with that?" " well he has expectations when he gives me flowers, and I don't fancy laying on my back with my legs in the air for 3 days" "don't you have a vase?"

[Keith & Linda]

Warning!- the following content might offend certain people.

 

I got a new puppy dog at the weekend he's so cute and has lively colourings, mainly black and tan with a small white area, we call him Birmingham!

 

I have just had some strobe lights fitted in the bedroom, makes it look as though the wife is moving when we make love!

 

My horoscope for the year said 'I would come into some money' well would you believe it, but last weekend I had sex with a girl called Penny!

 

I once met with a couple of Thai girls they said they can make me think I had won the lottery! they were right, when we all stripped off I was shocked to see we had six matching balls!

[BillyJo]

What does a cow with no lips say?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ooooooooooooo!

[BillyJo]

What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe?

 

 

 

 

 

Roberto

[Toni]

11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE

 

 

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter..

10 men and 1 woman.

 

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all so they decided

that one had to let go, otherwise they were all going to fall.

 

They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a

very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of

the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up

everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and

was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

 

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping . . .

[jtct]

A little bit naughty but I couldn't resist it

 

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!" The pastor fainted.

[Guest Guest75]

The tax office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an auditor to investigate him.

Auditor: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bundaberg rum and a dozen Crown Lagers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally."

Auditor: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one."

Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know?"

[Keith & Linda]

Dear Mr. Jones

Many thanks for your letter, suggesting your ex-wife as an ideal candidate forour new quiz show.

I have reviewed the qualities you describe of her, and agree that she maypossess the attributes we are looking for in the show's contestants.

However, before we take this any further, I must point out that the name of theshow is actually " Fact Hunt ".

In light of this, please let me know if we should proceed and contact the ladyconcerned.

Yours,

Charles Knight,

Light Entertainment,

BBC Television Centre,

London.

[Keith & Linda]

Thereare two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.

They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when oneday an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the twoto life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundredblazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutesto do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. Afterfifteen minutes the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to doit again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?'

She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time,I'll hold the pigeon down and you s#!t on its head.'

AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?

[Guest Guest14361]

One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.

 

 

"Hello," he starts, "I’m doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?"

 

 

"Yes. My husband and I use it during sex," she answers.

 

 

The researcher is taken aback. "Um, er, I admire you for your honesty," he continues. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?"

 

 

"Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can’t get in."

[Ktee]

*Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**

**'Hello?'**

**'Hi honey.**

**This is Daddy.**

**Is Mommy near the phone?'**

**'No, Daddy.**

**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Gabe.'**

**After a brief pause,**

**Daddy says,**

**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Gabe.'**

**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**

**Right now..'**

Brief Pause.

**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**

**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**

**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**

**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**

**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**

**A few minutes later**

**The little girl comes back to the phone.**

**'I did it, Daddy.'**

**'And what happened, honey?' **

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**

**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**

**And now she isn't moving at all!'**

**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Gabe?'**

**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**

**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**

**And into the swimming pool..**

**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**

**Last week to clean it.**

**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**

*****Long Pause*****

*****Longer Pause*****

*****Even Longer Pause*****

**Then Daddy says,**

**'Swimming pool? ...............**

**Is this 486-5731?'*

**No, I think you have the wrong number........*

[Ktee]

I was listening to the radio this morning when the Host invited callers to reveal thenick-names they had for their wives.

The best call was from a brave chap who called his wife, "Harvey Norman"

The Host asked him why that name?

He replied: "Absolutely no interest for 36 months."

[Ktee]

A man goes into a doctor's office feeling a little ill

The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.

It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.

There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth..'

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.

Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35.

Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320

Then he gets the full house and wins $5000.

Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting $780,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,

'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card.

You must be the luckiest bastard on Earth!'

'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24'.

'Sod me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the meat raffle as well !!!