carryon

A little disappointed!

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    Spoke to my mum last night and was informed by her that She and my Dad will not be coming to visit us ....ever!!! Mmmm, well i knew she had doubts but this is quite a shock, last year they were looking into re-newing passports as my cousin had helped them fill the forms in, she said they have never really been ' Travellers'' and it's not really them. Now i understand they are old but i would have thought that seeing where your son and Grandchildren live would be quite an adventure, we even said we would pay for the flights, but it seems by the way mum spoke that they are not very interested, she said we have never been an emotional family and that a phone call once a month will suffice, I told her we might go back for a visit in 2011, but its hard for us with 2 kids and it seemed that she even tried to put me off doing that, she said it would be a lot of hassle and we would have to find hotels and stuff to stay in. The thought of not seeing my parents again is not one i want to contemplate, and we will be going back but not sure when, she asked me to take some photos of the area we live and send them, like thats good enough. I'm quite upset and peed off to be honest, i know they would love it here and we have plenty of room in the house!!!!!!

    Maybe i'm being a bit harsh but a little bit of effort on there part wouldn't go amiss, i know my Dad is a real man of habit and likes routine but surely you would of thought they would want to come out here.

    This decision dosen't change a thing about how i feel about coming here, i wouldn't change that the anything, My mother in law had a quiet word with them and got the same excuses....ah well!!!!!!!!

     

    Simon:sad:

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    Guest Im Here

    Give them time they could change their mind. They might be angry with you that you made the move i don't know but they might be feeling left out of things at this moment in time. My dad told me he would never come over to see us and i accepted this but my mum and sister have been.

     

    It's hard when your family act like they don't care (which i'm sure they do) but at the end of the day you can't force them to come.

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    Guest kangomik

    It's a hard one, you can take a horse to water and all that.

     

    My mother wasn't going to come till she was 60, then we bought a house and she figured "ahh well they won't be comming back" so she booked the flight and arrived. Like you say the house is big enough, hell thats why we had the extra bed room! We didn't realise it was so big that she kept getting lost in it!!!!! (no it really is not that big - but compared to UK standards!)

     

    I have a Cousin out here, and her parents had no intentions of comming what so ever. A death in the family this week has changed things, and within three days of the death her father is now due over by September.

    So i guess never say never.

     

    I know stories of people who have never travelled outside the UK before, but have made the trek out here to see family, and yes it is an adventure for them, deffinately something to talk about when they return.

     

    Good luck mate, fingers crossed for you.

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    Guest JulieG

    I know how you feel. My Mum been, but thinks it's now our turn to visit her. My Dad wont come. I can't believe he doesn't want to see how we live our new lives, how the kids are doing and where we live. He keeps saying ' when we've settled in' well we've been here over two years now and are buying a house! Families - sometimes think we're well out of it.

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    Been here nearly 4 1/2 years, and i am still waiting for my parents to even call me!!! Get the odd email...couple of lines if i am lucky....they wont even get broadband, to make it easier to talk via the net etc...said their usage doesnt warrant the cost....

     

    My kids are their only grandchildren...

     

    As for a visit? Think that is highly unlikely....lol

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    Guest angiestaff

    blimey and i thought we were having trouble in getting my mother-in-law over here!! lol....'

     

    when we left she was absolutely certain that she would never come over here, and i kept telling my hubby 'u never know, it's easy for her 2 say that after waving u off, give her 6-7 mths and she may change her mind'.

    well it's make ur mind-up time now, her sister has planned the trip (for july/august...she need cooler weather due to health) and is paying for it and has stated that she'll some on her own if need be (i can't see my m.i.l letting that happen!). so we wait and see.........

     

    ange x

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    Guest kangomik

    Lorluc

     

    Talk talk did phone and internet packages for £25 when we left. I know it was a huge effort to get my mum to change, full broad band an free international calls, i think it worked out 3 quid extra than the phone line off BT, and she still wanted email billing to save a quid!:arghh:

     

    But she has been over, uses the phone to call the kids whenever she feels like it, and we use SKYpe once a week so they can chat via web cam.

     

    I had to set the lot before leaving the UK, now she panics, if something goes down and she cannot chat!

     

    She used to spend a lot of time with the kids, and it's great to see them chat and have word competitions on skype, encourage your parents to spend a little, to enjoy a hell of a lot, the worlds a smaller place now.

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    Dont be too harse.Our parent's are mid 70s-early 80's.The very thought to them of coming here is just too enormous for them to even contemplate.To some older folk the distance is just a bridge too far.Brought up in a different era and all that!:)

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    Guest clare

    Families eh they do an say some weird things have you tried 2 tell them how your feeling ive found an weve not even left yet that people have started 2 push us away really feel for you i really do. you want to show ur parents what youve acheived an what kind of lovely life you have try not 2 let it get 2 you too much!!:arghh::arghh:

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    Guest Lyndie Loue

    I think its almost a form of bereavement to them, if they can let go now then they can deal with the distance. Having said that, as a parent there is absolutely nothing on this earth that would stop me getting to my children. And one day we may be lucky enough to be grandparents so the kids better have a spare room for us!!

     

    Seriously though, use your time & energy to focus on your family unit & any thing else is a bonus. You can never change them, you can only change the way you deal with them. Look forward & not back, call them regularly so that you know you have done all that you can. take it from me, been there got the Tshirt when it comes to families!!!

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    Guest moonraker1959

    It must be a hard thing to grasp!Do you think she is being like this because they are just hurting?On the other hand Australia does'nt appeal to everyone for a holiday although I think they should make the effort to just come over and see you.Hope they change their minds!

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    Cheers guys, just felt quite upset when Mum told me, i really thought they would come over, they are 75 and 82 years old but age really isn't a reason, they were both fully behind our move 100%, we didn't see them that much really, about 4 times a year, so i suppose that i must resign myself to the fact that they will never visit, i will just have to start taking loads of piccys and send them.......if only they had internet!!!!!!

     

    Simon

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    Hya Simon,

    think it's very sad, that your family have no interest, in coming here to see your way of life, the older generation are definately more stubborn and set in their ways.

     

    When we came out here, we thought our family wouldn,t come in a million years and they were devasted when we said we were emigrating, happy for us but sad we were going.

     

    We've been here a year this week and my inlaws and sister inlaw & my daughters friend have all been out already and absolutely loved it, we are going bacin May to see my parents because unfortunately since we've been out here my Mum has had a stroke (she only 59) and its unlikely she will ever be wel enough to travel out.

    My gran how-ever used to come to Oz to visit her relatives every year travel by herself up until the age of 80, so I'd say age is no barrier.

    My parents are doing the skype and facebook thing, got them pc friendly atlast and we post loads of photos so they can track what we doing which is better than nothing, so I think you've got to take anything you can get, just try and keep in touch with them.

     

    Be nice if you can change their minds Simon if not get them on skype and give them the guided tour.

     

    Take care

    x

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    Guest JoTanCalOwen

    Hello Simon,

     

    I am sorry to read of your upset. We are not out there yet and we have had mixed 'feedback' as it were, my mum wouldnt / couldn't visit due to ill health and a very bad mental attitude, very negative person, when we told her of our decision she was not happy for us but worried about my sister, how she would take it as my sister and i are close, my sister has said go for it and is planning to come out with her family to visit. My dad (mum and dad divorced) however cannot wait to come out visit us and hire a camper van and then sod off and leave me !!!! lol

     

    I do know that from 75 years on insurance can be extremely expensive too, I am hoping that your family change their mind, but as has been previously said, it can just be their safety net and way of coping with missing you and your family. My mother in law has the British stiff upper lip, but wants us to go to Australia, and has said she will visit although now sadly, it will be alone, she is now 72 and looking forward to going to Sydney in December to see her daughter.

    Be ever hopeful try not to be too angry with them, as they have not given you a true reason it seems. After all parents are our parents no matter what they do.

     

    Good luck mate, and hoping it all works out well for you :wubclub:

     

    Tanya

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    dont be too hard on yourselves my parents are similar ages to yours and i know it would

    be too much for them .dad has aged so much in the last 3 years

    and mum just battles on ,its such a big trip and very daunting for them.

    i bet they think about you and your family constantly,just cant put it into words

    all you can do is ,keep the contact up from this end

    good luck

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    Thats really sad for you!

     

    My mum died just 4 months befor we came over here; and the decision to come was very hard......leaving my dad and brother practically "all alone"...........but they were determined to have us make the move, and here we are, 14 months later, loving it!

     

    My dad, not the best flyer in the world made the trip alone last year; next monday both he and my brother arrive, and im sooooo excited. Mainly because my brother has NEVER flown befor, is terrified of the journey, but is making it for ME and his nephews and neice.

     

    My in laws, the rotten lot, have not even once contacted us since we've been here to see how things are.............the best we got was an e-mail from the company accountant!!!! Nice.

    Maybe one day, when they are in a better place, they will be in touch for genuine reasons...........................

     

    Im sure your parents love and miss you very much, like you do them.............give it time, and send the photos, it may help them to realise how marvellous it would be to see you all.

     

    Big hug

     

    Jane

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    Guest mimasawrus

    Its hard I know, but acceptance really is the key, if you accept that you cant change what they feel and do or do not do it will cause you a lot less heartache and your relationship with them will be better and in time they could change their mind and then you will all be comfortable that it is their decision and they will be happy with it. Concentrate on your goals and dreams it gives you so much more pleasure loads to talk about when you speak to them and in turn may make them want to come over

     

    Good Luck Be happy

     

    Laura x

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    Guest guest3462

    Hi there, I can totally empathise with your situation, our parents all said they would never come out to see us here in Oz, but in the 14 months since arriving in Adelaide both sets of parents have been here. My parents came here with a definitive idea of hating it and they did, my mum says it will be a long time if ever til they return she is stubborn and at the mo is even making it difficult to contact her at all (setting skype to offline not answering calls & txts etc!) then saying we are denying them access to the grandchildren by not ringing!!!!!

    Rich's mum and dad came reluctantly and enjoyed it, but then said they wont come again as it takes up too much of their precious annual leave and anyway, we should save up and go home..... she didnt want us to come out hee and still doesnt understand love that we hold for this wonderful place.

    I agree with the many other posters who say to keep trying with lines of communication and do all you can to keep in touch, hopefully they will change their minds and book a visit, but if not, do not make yourselves so upset that you feel that you have to go back to the UK or you could end up making drastic decisions which you will regret. You must enjoy your lives here and live your life to the full. You and your family made the decision to come here to make a better life for your kids - the same as us, and you have to live for you now.

    Be strong and be happy, the rest will eventually fall into place. All the very best and I hope things work out for you

    Julia x

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    Guest Messua

    I'm sorry to hear your parents feel like this. My own parents have only been here once and it satisfied their curiosity. I really don't see them ever coming again, as they showed little appreciation for the place but at least they came once. Although extended family is important here, for now, we have decided that the 5 of us are the "family" and everyone back in Blighty are the relatives. Write letters and enclose photos. Talk about how the children are changing and growing. I've never known a grandmother not want to see the grandchildren. I think as soon as they can afford it, they'll be on the plane.

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    Just hang in there, they may change their minds. My mum and srepdad came over a 6 weeks ago, first thing they said when we got them home from airport was, "never coming back, too far and flights were too hard". After 3 weeks living in our guest room, driving around doing a lot of the things Adelaide has to offer, meetings our friends, and spending time with their 3 grandchildren, they loved it. On the last night here, some of our friends down visiting for drinks and to say bye, they came out with the "well it's ok, we'll see you all in October when we come back again"! Blew us away as she had never mentioned it. They have now booked business class flights, as they reckon the money the spend on the 2 trips to Spain each year is same as business class flights and 4 weeks here. They have even asked us to look into sponsoring them for retirement over here when we get our citizenship. So just say you never know, it took them almost 3 years to get here, now looks like we will struggle to get them back to UK!!! lol

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    My mum and I were so close and I was her carer,as she has MS. We arrived nearly 7 yrs ago and

    she has flown 4 times to visit,I have gone back twice. Give them time. It's hard when you're going to lose your Daughter/Son and grandchildren. However there's always the phone I have phoned everyday since being here.

    Elaine

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    Thanks again, some very good words of advice there! i think what got to me most was the fact that Mum thinks that i'm not really that bothered about seeing them, thats so untrue, its the way she resigned herself to the fact that if she never saw the grandchildren and us again it was no big deal, both my parents are very philosophical about things i have to say, even when family members have died its all very '' Ah well''....which in a way is good i suppose, unfortunatly for me i am the emotional one in the family!!!!

    My cousin is visiting the UK soon from NZ, she is going to have a word with them, but realistically i dont hold much hope. But we never know do we?

    Cheers .

     

    Simon:unsure:

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    Guest mimasawrus

    Hang in there and live your dreams it will work out in the end !!!

     

    Laura x

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    Guest nishman

    I think it is for oldies - especially if they've never been jet setters... My MIL has now been over 4 times now on her own and is a pro. But the first time was nerve-racking for her, even though she had done a bit of flying in her formative years.

    We were asked by my brother if we'd come back and visit, as his missus wouldn't fly (and hence, he wouldn't). I get the occasional few lines email/text in response to photo's / journals that we've sent back - nothing reciprical in terms of "news" (maybe they don't have any).

    And don't get us started on phone cards. They must only sell them in Oz, as no-one in the UK has ever bothered...

    Families eh - sometimes you realise why the decision to come over here wasn't as hard as you'd thought it might have been!

    I think when you've been here a while, you start to accept that people move on...

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    Hello Simon

    I have read all through this thread and would like to tell you how I feel.

    I am one of the parents left behind in the UK.

    My daughter and her husband emigrated to Adelaide two and a half years ago.

    As a parent I know I should be happy for them in their new life but I cannot accept that they choose to live their life without their family. They went alone, my daughter left her grown up daughter here. I supported and helped them all the way through the slow and sometimes painful emigration process.

    They needed a lot of support and encouragement in the beginning but slowly settled. They bought a house and we visited when they had been there eighteen months. They financed the trip, it was my first ever flight and I found it all very traumatic.

    We enjoyed our time with them in Australia but somehow it seemed to change our relationship. Within a short time of our visit they moved again and bought a dog and it became obvious that they were staying forever.

    I had always secretly hoped they would come home but all hope is gone.

    I am a mess, I can't communicate with them without being upset. Every update about their life makes me want to scream - how can you be so happy without us.

    I have now asked my daughter not to communicate with me as I can't spend my life in tears. My theory being - if I don't know what she is doing then it can't upset me.

    I know I am being a bad parent and not acting as I should and I suppose it is my defence mechanism. Build a wall, block them out then they can't hurt me.

     

    I wonder if your parents feel a little like me and my explanation will help you to understand how they feel. If they are like me then you will never be far from their thoughts.

     

    I hope this may help you a little.

    A heart broken Mum

    Carol

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